Lightning's Thoughts

On Losing Serah

Serah . . . I'm sorry. Lightning lay, trying to get some sleep, with her arm draped over her eyes. Why did Pulse have to be so big? If it wasn't, then maybe they would be back on Cocoon by now and wouldn't have time to rest. If she didn't have time to rest then she didn't have time to think, but she did and so her memories kept her awake.

She kept playing it over and over again in her head. How could she have thought Serah had made it all up? Who would make something like that up? But then, how could her sister of all people have become a l'cie?

Lightning abandoned her, when she needed her, she made her cry. Again. There were too many times she let her sister down.

Serah couldn't even look at her when Snow told her what happened. She had known that Lightning wouldn't listen. That was the worst of it, knowing she had let her down to the point where Serah couldn't even come to her with something. Lightning was supposed to be her home, but she felt she had to run from it.

And yet, so quickly she had become so forgiving and understanding with Hope? In a way that she must have never been with her actual family?

Lightning loved her sister, more than anything. She would do, and had done, anything and everything to keep her safe. She joined the army, gave up school, killed people, gave her a roof over her head and food on the table, found her calling among the Guardian Corps and then gave it all up again. When was the last time that she did something for herself?

Serah knew all that. She knew how much Lightning cared for her, she knew the things she had done and everything she gave up. Because she knew all of that, she was desperate for Lightning's approval. Since Lightning had done so much for her, she had to make her proud, right?

But Lightning, she wanted Serah to be proud of her. And how could she be?

Lightning remembered the first time she shot someone, the first time she killed.

Lightning felt the recoil, jarring her arm. She stumbled backwards, but felt numb. The body fell as if she were seeing it in slow motion. Her eyes widened, as gasp hanging in her throat. He was dead before he hit the ground.

Her gun fell from her outstretched hand.

The first thing that came to her mind was not that she had taken a life, or that she had protected herself, but that she could never look at her sister the same way again.

Lightning fell to her knees, wanting nothing more to lay there and die in the man's place.

How? How could she face Serah? Her sister's smile was burned into her mind. How could-?

"Get up Farron!" She could barely hear her superior officer shout as he ran after her. "There's still more!"

Indecently, the first time she killed a man was also the first time she had been shot.

It hit her hard in her chest, piercing into her collarbone. The pain, at first she barely felt it. Then it felt as if it were burning, followed by a sharp pain where her bone had broken. She didn't even hear herself scream, her mouth forcibly forming a wordless cry. Lightning clutched her shoulder, doubling over on the ground.

Her heart raced, pounding in her ears and drowning out the struggle around her. It felt like everything was falling apart. She never wanted to be a killer. She never wanted to take a life. All she wanted was to protect her sister, give her a home.

How could a murderer be home?

"Lightning!"

"Farron!"

She felt her superior take her by her good shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Lieutenant?" She glanced up at him but quickly crouched over again, vomiting.

"The first time is hard on everybody," Amodar muttered.

Now, Lightning didn't even bat an eye.

She remembered pleading with the lieutenant to not send her home. The mission was supposed to last a few days longer, Serah wouldn't expect her to be home. She hadn't wanted to worry her for being injured. She didn't want to face her with blood on her hands.

Rather than give in to her request, Amodar saw that she was sent to first aid and escorted back home. Lightning would never forget Serah's face when she was escorted to her front door three days early, out of uniform, and bandaged up.

"Lightning!" Serah gasped. "What happened?" She demanded the information from her escort, whom didn't know much from the situation at all.

"I-I messed up," Lightning managed to choke out, letting her help her inside.

"Serah . . . Can you forgive me?"

Lightning watched the stars, trying to stop her thoughts from jumping around and going were she didn't want them to go.

It wasn't fair. She did all she could, gave all she could give, and still fell short of what her sister deserved. She worked too much, she never took a day off, she began to barely see Serah. It wasn't as if she could stop, she had to help Serah through school and through the university she worked so hard to get into.

And then she started hanging around Snow. Her time with her sister became even more limited than before.

When she saw her sister that day, how she looked ashamed, that there was something she had to tell her . . . Lightning feared that she was pregnant. Then Snow showed her the brand and Lightning tried to deny it, despite that she knew the truth the second she saw it.

Of course Serah hadn't wanted to tell her, how could she make her sister proud as a l'cie? How could she not be mad, when Lightning had begun to get mad at almost everything she did in the past few months. Most of it stemmed from Snow, the elusive boyfriend Serah had that Lightning had yet to see. Either it was grades, chores, or her general absence around the house, she found something to antagonize her and the mystery man she spent so much time with.

She remembered one particular time where it escalated too far. Despite her desire to stop thinking and sleep, the scene played over in her head.

Lightning had come back from an overnight mission that lasted about a week. She knew it the second she entered her home, someone else had been there.

"Hey Light!" Serah hurried to greet her at the door. "Welcome home!" Something about her seemed off or on edge. Lightning narrowed her eyes and started off past her. "Aren't you going to rest a bit?" She had been suspicious for a while now, every time she had to leave for an overnight mission for the past few months, she would come home to that feeling.

She went straight for their room. He had been there, she was certain of it, and might still be.

Serah knew right away what she was looking for. "He's not in there you know," she spoke, anger filling her voice. Lightning forcibly pushed open the door anyway, finding the messy room void of human life. "Seriously, Light?" Lightning tried to ignore the venom in her sister's voice as she scanned the room for any evidence with her gaze. "The second you come home, you go snooping around assuming I've done something wrong?"

Her exhaustion from the week made for a lack of judgment. "Maybe if you weren't so secretive about everything, then I wouldn't have to!"

"Secretive?" Serah scoffed. "I'm not being secretive."

"Well for one," she couldn't stop the words from spilling out, knowing she shouldn't use such foul language with her, "I think I have the right to know the name of the guy screwing my sister!"

"Lightning!"

Serah fumed, but Lightning brushed past her to the kitchen. She did not want to argue with her sister first thing upon getting home. All she wanted was a cool glass of water and a place to sit. Serah stormed after her, not about to let the harsh words go.

She opened the cabinet for a glass, finding that they were all dirty and lying in the sink. The table also had breakfast still sitting out, set for two. Lightning clenched her jaw, trying to control her extreme frustration. "All I ask," she chose her words carefully through gritted teeth, "is that when I'm away, you take care of things around the house for me."

Serah glanced away, opening her mouth to say something. "Light-"

"But apparently you're too busy playing honeymoon with your boyfriend!"

"Light," Serah started, "you know I can't sleep by myself."

A stupid excuse. "So instead you're just going to mess around with some guy and skip class?" Serah's eyes widened. "Yeah, didn't expect I'd notice that one, but turns out I pay more attention then you think. School doesn't let out until," Lightning glanced up at the time displayed on the stove, "over an hour from now."

"It's not like that-!"

Lightning slammed her hand down hard on the table, causing Serah to jump. "How is it "like" then! Because I can't see how it isn't what it looks like!"

Serah seemed to shrink under her sister's words. "You just don't get it," she muttered, clenching her fists. She took a step forward, closing the space between them. "You base all you know about relationships from assumptions, maybe you'd get it if you weren't nearly twenty-one and never had a date!"

Her words stung. Serah was being a childish brat, hitting a nerve that she knew would hurt. "And why do you think that is, do you honestly think that's what I want!" She could feel the sting trying to well up in her eyes and betray her emotions. Lightning bit it back with anger and retort, the only thing she knew how to do. "You go off, running around, and I'll be left having to take care of another stupid, irresponsible child!"

Tears built up in her sister's eyes. "You're the worst!" Serah shouted, turning on her heel and slamming their bedroom door behind her.

She knew it, even as the words came out of her mouth, that she had gone too far. Too much too far. Lighting started to the door, "Serah," she grabbed the door handle, but she felt Serah push it back.

"Leave me alone!"

Both Lightning and Serah knew that she could easily overpower the latter and force open the door, but Lightning knew that it would only make her more angry. Instead she tried to calm herself, taking a deep breath before speaking. "Serah, please let me in."

"No!"

The thin shred of patience she had mustered up disappeared in seconds. Lightning pounded her fist against the door. "Open this door right now!"

"Or else what Lightning? You'll kick me out?" Serah choked on her words, struggling to speak through her tears. "You've already made it clear I'm just a nuisance!"

"Stop being immature, that's not what I meant!"

"Oh, I'm immature? Who's the one who changed her name to "Lightning?" real mature, Claire."

"I'm trying to apologize, Serah!" Lightning couldn't take it anymore, she was trying to stay calm and apologize, but Serah was making it so hard not to simply bust in there and start the shouting match all over again.

"Well you're doing a wonderful job with it," Serah muttered sarcastically, voice cracking, "add that to all the other things you're so great at!"

Lightning slammed her fist into the door as hard as she could. She was so frustrated that she barely felt the pain in her knuckles from the metal. She turned away, pacing the hallway. There wasn't anything she could do. She felt powerless.

Noticing the dirty dishes, she stalked over and started moving them into the sink, only to grip a glass too hard and shatter it. "Damn it!"

She crashed around shouting profanities until she made her way outside. The only thing Lightning could think to do was chuck rocks into the water, letting off a little steam.

Eventually her throws became skipping of rocks as she calmed herself down, beginning to think of what she should say. "I'm sorry that I'm not the best sister to you, but I just worry because- no, that's not right."

"But I do worry. I do care, you are not a nuisance to me. I shouldn't have said that…"

"And I'm sorry, you know I don't mean that."

Lightning sighed, sitting down on the beach underneath the shadow of her home. She laid back, resting her arms over her eyes. Tears streamed down her face.

"I am the worst."

Lightning rolled over onto her side. She kept her eyes closed, hoping that if she could just fall asleep, then it would stop. Her fingers toyed the grass just before her. It gave her something to focus on.

She heard light footsteps, one in the grass near her stomach. Her ears perked, focusing intently on whoever it was. She felt the person place something rounded and cool in her hands. "She wants her sister tonight," it was Snow's soft whisper, that meant . . .

Lightning grasped her sister's crystallized tear and pulled it close to her heart, curling around it.

Thanks, Snow.

Turns out I can't sleep by myself either.

A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing! :D