When the elevator had closed panic almost took the place of pain for April. Knowing Connor had seen her like that, the realization in his face that she was pregnant and the shock that she hadn't told him all seemed like it was quite possibly the worse thing that could be happening that is until she got up to labor and delivery. Immediately the ultrasound tech couldn't find a heartbeat she was going to have this baby but there would be no joy, no life, and no payoff from the pain just misery. She stayed in her bed as they monitored her bleeding and her contractions each contraction closing in the inevitable until an hour and half later she pushed out the lifeless contents of her womb. A small baby boy too fragile, too underdeveloped, and too tiny to live so small that she could only stand to look at him for a moment and then she cried into Natalie's arms soon they both were crying. An hour later Connor was in her room crying too and screaming at her for lying to him. Through his tears he'd told her that he loved her. Those words he had never said to her came out in his rage over feeling left out, lied to, and devastated over the hasty circle of life of the child he was only aware of in the course of a few hours. She would have cried more if she hadn't felt so numb.
Two days later she was cleared to leave. Maggie and Sharon had both been by to see her. To her surprise there were no big sister lectures or motherly advice and finger wags just support and information about her right to take six weeks for maternity leave if she wanted to. The idea actually repulsed April it made the reality of staying home with no baby even more heartbreaking. She felt like if she was gone six weeks it would be called maternity leave and she didn't want her colleagues knowing for a fact that she had been pregnant, too many people knew already plus a short leave would make everything seem more ambiguous. She decided on a week and a half and headed home. When she was ready to walk out there was Nat standing in the hallway in her street clothes with a wheel chair.
"Hospital policy," Natalie said in a sing-song way with a smile. April rolled her eyes with a half-smile at her friend.
"Only if we can leave the back way I don't want to be wheeled past everyone," April insisted.
Natalie nodded and they headed to the utility elevator. There was a cab already waiting at the front of the hospital. April and Natalie both got in as the car took them to Aprils apartment. Natalie walked April up.
"My shift starts in an hour, but if you like I could have some groceries delivered,or I could stop by tomorrow, you know Maggie-," Natalie was cut off by April hugging her.
"Oh thank you Nat, but I'll be okay. I think I'm going to take a nap and then maybe order in, but if it's okay I'll call you if I need anything?" April asked.
"Of course," Natalie said she gave her friend a warm rub on the back and walked out of the apartment.
Natalie wasn't even down the hall when she bumped into Connor.
"No," Natalie said succinctly at a confused Connor, "You don't get to go in there and scream at her again," his face burned a bit, "Yeah, we all heard you, everyone that was there for her when she pushed out your child…alone," Natalie hissed at him her finger poking into his chest.
"I didn't ask nor did I want her to do that alone," Connor barked back at Natalie pushing her finger back her faced eased, "Listen Natalie you're an amazing friend to her but this is between me and April," Connor said softening his tone.
Natalie pursed her lips together and let out a defeated sigh before walking away. Connor walked his way to April's door. Part of Natalie's words got to him maybe he should leave her alone but he needed to apologize. April had just changed into her bathrobe and was ready to get into the shower when she heard a knock at the door. She smiled a bit and walked over opening it quickly.
"Seriously Nat, I'm fine-," April's smile faded away as she saw her visitor.
'Hi April," Connor said breaking the silence between them all his emotions were trapped in those eyes that drew April in, the same ones that she could barely look at on the elevator or in her hospital room.
She stood there for a moment before breaking eye contact with him and moving her body out of the way to let him in.
"I was actually about to get in the shower," April said walking over to sit on her couch she was trying to hold her emotions in, they were swarming all over the place anger, rage, sadness, happiness.
She missed him and was glad he was there and she hated that he was there.
"I shouldn't have yelled at you at the hospital, I'm sorry," Connor said biting his lip and looking down, "I was worried and angry. I'm still trying to process what happened…why you didn't tell me," Connor asked moving to sit next to her. " I know I messed up, and I'm sorry April, I really am. I shouldn't have been drinking so much it was so easy to just lose my sorrows in a bottle, but I honestly don't even remember being with her," Connor's eyes pleaded with April to understand. "But as hard as it was I was still honest with you... it was easily one the worst moments in my life having to tell you that I betrayed you but I told you the truth…immediately. I just don't understand why you couldn't have done the same with me?"
April scoffed and a condescending smile made its way across her face.
"I came to your apartment after I got back from Brazil ready to be honest with you, to tell you that I was pregnant and instead you told me you FUCKED ANOTHER WOMAN!" April's voice surprised Connor as he sat there like a child in the principal's office.
She stood up and started to pace, "I was trying my best to hold it together to get through my first trimester before announcing anything to anyone. I felt dead most days Connor ...you broke my heart...," April's voice was cracking, "The only thing alive inside of me was him and I don't even have that anymore... ," April's voice trailed off as she took a breath to gather herself, "It just seemed right considering everything that had happened, I didn't want to have to deal with you until I knew how!" April shook her head at the irony.
"Deal with me?" Connor looked hurt, "But it's not just that April you didn't tell me when you took the Plan B pill, I mean I still don't understand why it didn't work? You wouldn't be honest with me about any of it! I found it in the trash! I know at the time we were new and still trying to get to know one another but I'm a doctor I know there are warning signs, symptoms, and you didn't share any of them with me. I trust you with me April, when will you admit you've never trusted me with you?" Connor's eyes pleaded with her as he stood up to face her.
"You know I love you," He said putting his hand to the side of her face cupping her jaw. "When you're ready you're going to have to make the decision about whether or not you love me too, I know you do but you have to say it...you have to mean it...to show it," he moved his other hand to her face centering it so she had no choice but to look at him, he pushed his forehead to hers.
"You have to let me in or this really is over." Connor's eyes welled with tears.
Finally he let go of her face and walked to the door he stood for a second before letting out a small sigh and then he walked through it.
April could still feel the heat on her face from his hands. She placed her own hands there and began to cry. He was right, she was hurt, hurt badly by him but still he was right. She did love him, she knew she loved him when he inadvertently picked out her favorite cartoon without knowing, she knew she loved him the first time she heard him speak Spanish, she knew she loved him when her heart broke into a million pieces after finding out about him and Sam. She knew she would have only felt disappointment if she didn't but she knew then it was love and that he had a point. She bottled everything up and she was so used to dealing with everything on her own being the good daughter that pleased her parents and everyone else no matter the cost to her. Connor offered her a place to unload and to feel safe he had told her he wanted to know her and she responded by going into April mode, so used to empty gestures, and people who were supposed to love her but never actually measuring up and when he slept with Sam it seemed as though he was fulfilling a prophecy and allowing her to excuse her lack of communication with him, her lack of trust but she had started putting up walls long before Sam.
She knew she had to put things right with Connor because she was in love him and he had left the ball in her court and it was now her move.