Chapter 7: Victory
"You know, you really didn't have to go to nearly all this expense for my sake, Zed."
The Doctor was currently being walked to a rather large truck, Zed walking ahead of him and an armed M.I.B agent on each side. The truck was devoid of any identifying markers or numbers, as to be expected. J was a few paces away, glancing at the scene uneasily.
"Forgive me Doctor," said Zed as the Doctor was prodded into the back of the truck "but you've proven that you are indeed worth every expense."
"I'm confused." said J, as the other agents piled into the truck. "A, what the Hell's going on, and B, since when is calling up a whole squad of the boys and making a pick up at gunpoint how we roll?"
Zed raised an eyebrow, before turning to the others in the truck. "Excuse us, gentlemen, I have to debrief Agent J on the situation he's found himself in."
With that, the back of the truck was closed, as the Agent's weapons remained trained on the Doctor. Zed motioned for J to follow him to the front of the truck. There, Zed sat in the drivers seat, but the vehicle was moving before he'd even touched the steering wheel.
"Take us to headquarters." Said the superior, a map displaying on a screen in the truck as they made their way.
"Autopilot?" J questioned, with a hint of jealousy. "Any reason my ride couldn't be fitted with that?"
"It's reserved for special cases." Zed chuckled, before quickly turning serious. "How much do you know about that man in the back of the truck, J?"
"Not much," J said after a moments thought, "aside from the fact that he's here to help."
"I'm sure he'd like you to think that. But the Doctor and the Men In Black have a history of...disagreements. He was trying to help who the Addams'? They're designated as targets, J, don't forget that."
"I got it, Zed, but we don't even have any proof they aren't humans yet. Even if they aren't, my gut's telling me we're dealing with a 'come in peace' deal."
"I don't particularly care what your gut tells you, agent. It was your job to GET us proof of their intentions. Instead you let the galaxy's biggest manipulator drag you on what's probably a wild goose chase, or a cover up. Now putting the screws to him is the only way to be sure of what's going on in that house."
J turned to Zed, feeling as of he was certainly missing out on some kind of backstory.
Upon their arrival at headquarters, The Doctor seemed no worse for wear. Zed rolled his eyes as the Time Lord shook the hands and even patted the shoulders of some of the agents who had been in the vehicle with him, giving a jovial smiled before most of them went off to their other obligations. It was then that Zed beckoned the Doctor and J up to his office. J raised an eyebrow as the Doctor seemed a bit too happy bumping into a few passing agents, before the were each states in Zed's large white room.
"So Doctor." Zed opened, staring levelly at the short man. "To what do we owe another visit to our fair planet?"
"Oh, you know, nothing particularly special is necessary to give my little blue pet project a once over, especially what with my apprentice and close friend being a native."
"Hold up," J interjected, "'pet project'?"
"Well it might as well be, with the amount of times I've helped shape it up into what it is."
"And hence the root of our problem." came Zed. "We've met nearly half a dozen times now, Doctor, and every one of your appearances seems to herald some kind of world-ending threat. Now that wouldn't be so bad, planetary-near-death-experiences come every other Thursday, but your refusal to explain your role in these instances has you on our watch list. Now here you are, again, interfering in our investigation of a whole family of potential invaders."
"Oh come off it, Zed. The Addams' aren't invaders, they've been around for generations on generations. They're harmless."
The Doctor looked between Zed and J, back pedaling slightly when he saw them both raise an eyebrow.
"Well, they're not intentionally harmful."
"I'm perfectly willing to believe that's true, but I'm not going to jump at your word until either you or they are registered with Men In Black and put under our supervision."
"Bah. The day I submit them or myself to this organization is the day I acknowledge it having any sort of power."
"Are you saying we don't?"
"I'm saying you don't. You save the world daily, and that's admirable Zed. You're good people, I think. But don't assume for a moment that your influence, or your universe, can hold a candle to mine. You're a help in the long run, but your view is too narrow for a universe so large. I've seen you in action, Zed, and you're too quick to resign, to take the cynical option, let the Earth or a single Earthling die because in the the great big galaxy what does it matter? There's a family of good, decent living beings in distress, and I can help them far better than you could if you'd just trust me."
"The MIB doesn't do 'trust', Doctor, not without a reason, it's blown up in our faces too many times."
"Hey!" J yelled, gathering the attention of the older men. "You told me to do my job, Zed, and I did it. I ran recon on that family, and the Doctor's right. They're decent people, and priority número uno should be getting them out of danger, don't you think?"
There was a silence, before Zed sighed. "If the Doctor would submit to some questioning, so we could ascertain the level of this danger-"
"We don't have time." The Doctor was quick to say, before reaching for his coat pocket and pulling out a pair of shades
"J!" He yelled, and several things happened at once. Reflexively, J reached for his own pocket, pulling out his shades and placed them on. The Doctor then pulled out J's neuralyzer, and Zed, not being quite so fast, had just risen out of his chair in time to be blasted point blank with it.
"Sit." The Doctor said, and Zed did. "Now I want you to understand something, Zed. I'm the Doctor; you didn't watch me, I watch YOU. Everything you and your little organization do is what I allow, and for everyone's best interest I advise you allow me to do MY work. And hire more Agents like J here."
Zed only nodded, as the Doctor raised a pair of fingers to his lips and whistled loudly. Any comments J had felt like making at the time (namely "What the hell just happened?") were interrupted by a sound the agent couldn't quite find the right words to describe, followed by the sudden arrival of a wooden blue box in the office.
"Come on, J." The Doctor called, walking to the box and opening the door.
"Whoa whoa whoa, hold up now!" J said indignantly, pulling out the Noisy Cricket and leveling it at The Doctor. "I ain't stepping in a tiny-ass box with the guy who just nueralyzed my boss, not without some answers."
"J," The Doctor said with an exasperated sigh, "I'm only trying to help. Zed's not being anything but an obstacle. You KNOW that, or you wouldn't have seen that coming, now get inside!"
J groaned, knowing he was right, before throwing the gun down.
"What are we gonna do with a wooden box anyway?" He asked, running into the box after the Doctor.
Needless to say, he got his answer.
"It's...it's..."
"Bigger on the inside?"
"And one smokin' ass set of wheels, Doc."
The Doctor gave a grin, before J came at him with another question.
"Where'd you get the shades from, anyway."
"I knew I would need them, so I borrowed some from your fellow Agents."
"Agents? Plural?"
The Doctor emptied his pockets to reveal over a half dozen more pairs.
"Well," he started, "I say 'borrowed'. I did mention me and sleight of hand, correct?"
At the Addams estate, Wednesday eyed the area surrounding her with a mix of caution and disdain. She had enlisted Ace's help in barricading all entrances and exits to the living room, where the home' residence were all holed up to avoid any further encounters with the dreaded Droid. Both girls had watched from the window as the Doctor and J were dragged off to parts unknown, and Morticia insisted that they would return momentarily.
"The best we can do know," she said, "Is keep our enemy outside the gates. Should The Doctor and J fail to return, we must be prepared to dispose of this assailant ourselves. Remember, first and foremost, we are Addams's, and we gladly feast on those that would subdue us."
Though Ace would gladly admit to admiring the matriarch's self-confidence, it didn't take long for her to start pacing impatiently while the men of the house all conversed among themselves just how odd this whole situation was. Gomez made a noise of disgust as he moved away from a hovering Thing, holding a box of Cuban cigars in his hand.
"Can you believe I used to smoke these things? Absolutely awful!"
He tossed the box at Thing, who jitter end in anger before grabbing it and putting it somewhere more appropriate.
"That thing is not my father." Wednesday muttered to herself, as Ace placed a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.
All activity ceased, however, as the sound of the TARDIS materializing into the room rang through all ears.
"Ace!" The Doctor shouted, tossing her a pair of shades before he and J had even fully stepped out of the box. "I have a plan."
The Fibnoan Droid was floating throughout the house, searching for further targets. In the living room, the Doctor was using his screwdriver to track it.
"It's at...that door! Ace!"
"On it Professor!"
Ace had planted some Nitro 9 near said door and blew it off, barricade and all. This proved to get the Droid's attention.
"Hey you useless bucket of bolts!" Ace shouted, leaving the room so that the Droid could spot her. "You've still got a couple of freaks left! Me included!" With that said she bolted back into the room, the Droid quickly following after her. Once in the middle of the room, she stopped in her tracks, and turned to face the robot. The Droid flashed Ace, only to turn at the sound of rustling behind it. It saw Grandma and Pugsley, and flashed them as well. A groan sounded opposite to them, and the Droid turned to flash Lurch and Wednesday as well.
A clearing of the throat alerted the Droid to the presence of The Doctor, Morticia, Gomez, J and Fester leaning on the railing a story above it. All of the home's residence were surrounding the Droid, all were flashed, and all were wearing shades.
The Doctor gave a chuckle as he descended the stairs.
"Well that's your mission done now, isn't it? You've successfully 'normalized' the entire Addams estate, visitors and all. No one in the immediate vicinity needs any more fixing." He them stopped as he was directly in front of the machine.
"But...oh, wait. There is, isn't there? There's still one being in the house that doesn't conform. You."
The Doctor stared into the Droid's glowing optic, everyone else following his line of vision. Truthfully, none of them knew if the machine could even hear the man.
"You're a Fibnoan Regulator Droid. You were programmed to operate on one species. But now, since coming to this planet you've gone against that programming. The Addams's and I were a higher priority than yourself, but that doesn't change the fact that your existence is at odds with itself. You don't serve your designated function, not to the letter. You're not normal. And there's only one way to correct that, isn't there?"
The Time Lord continued to stare down the robot, until a moment later the glow left it, and it fell with a thud to the floor. Ace walked over to The Doctor, who knelt down beside the Droid and gave it a once over twin his screwdriver.
"Professor, what did you do?"
"Nothing, Ace. I merely convinced it that it had successfully done all it could on everyone in the house. With no one else to operate on, it decided to finally correct it's own deviant programming so it could only effect Fibnoans."
"And with no Fibnoans on the planet," J said, "it shut down."
"Which gives me the perfect opportunity to do...this! Grandma Addams, Morticia, if you could remove the ray-bands from our beloved men of the household..."
The women did just that, snatching the shades off Fester, Pugsley and Gomez, all of whom had a number of questions in their lips. They never got the chance to ask, as The Doctor re-activated the Droid and pointed it at each of them in turn, flashing them yet again.
"Whoa, hey!" J shouted, as the three's eyes widened with realization, "What're you doing?"
"I set it to reverse." The Doctor said with a grin. "Regulated their Amygdalae, fixed up their memories and tastes, brought them back to Addams."
"I...I remember." Fester began, massaging his head. "I remember, being hooked up to the electric chair. Oh, it was AWFUL, no one even bothered to turn it on!"
He then gasped and clutched his head as if remembering something even worse.
"I wasted dinner! Vomited right up!" He en snapped his fingers, as if having an idea, and rushed down the stairs.
"Maybe I can retrieve it from the pipeline!" He said as he rushed, "Finish it properly!"
As he left, Pugsley looked up at the whole that remained in the ceiling, and the wreckage his bed of spikes had caused nearby.
"Wow," he said, "my surprise for Uncle Fester did more damage than I thought it would. Why do I feel like I missed it? I should set up another one."
Unable to stop herself, Wednesday ran to envelop her brother in a hug, and Morticia smiled happily at her children and brother-in-law before turning to her husband.
"And you, Mi Amor? Are you yourself again as well?"
Gomez' face of realization grew into a seductive smile as he looked at his wife.
"Cara Mia," he said, "I do believe there's only one way to find out."
With that, the man swept up his wife and the two shared a passionate kiss. Grandma Addams gave a wolf-whistle, while Ace turned to se Lurch barely holding back tears, and almost couldn't stifle her own giggling at the sight.
The Doctor held out the Droid and looked over it, before presenting it to the Addams's.
"I do believe we might want to dispose of this."
"Startin' to wish I hadn't left the Noisy Cricket at headquarters." J said.
"Fear not, man!" Gomez said, having stopped kissing his wife and shouting bombastically once again. He ran over to a nearby mantle, and pulled from it a shotgun, which he cocked with glee.
"I believe I'd like the honor for myself." He said.
Everyone stood in front of the house, with Gomez having his shotgun poised at the sky. The Doctor held his hat to his chest and whistled a version of Taps, while Ace brought her fingers to her forehead in salute and Thing provided some beats on a drum. Lurch held the shut-down Droid in his hand, ready to toss it like a frisbee at Gomez' word.
"NOW!" Gomez shouted, and Lurch tossed the machine into the air, where Go,es promptly fired and blew it to pieces. The Droid exploded, and fell to the ground in burning chunks whilst everyone looked on and clapped. Gomez tipped his head, muttering something about "a worthy opponent", before he turned to his family and toss his hands in the air.
"VICTORY!" He shouted, and his family joined him in the cheer.
"CELEBRATORY CIGARS FOR EVERYONE!"
Suddenly, The Doctor, J and Ace all had lit cigars in their mouths faster than they could blink. By the time they HAD blinked, Gomez had already moved on to giving a smoke to Pugsley, Wednesday and Thing. J gave a compromising nod before pulling the stick out of his mouth and flicking it away, while The Doctor and Ace practically spat their's out and proceeded to rub their mouths against their sleeves.
"So," J said, after the traveling duo had stopped coughing up a storm, "I've still got a report to give in to the M.I.B. I'm thinking 'completely human'. How's that sound?"
The Doctor exchanged a wry smile with the other man, turning to look at the family before them. Gomez and Morticia were kissing passionately, whilst every other family member gave a celebratory puff of their cigars.
"'Completely human' will do nice enough."
"Guess ya'll are lucky an M.I.B happened to show up when you needed one, huh?"
The Doctor gave a little snort.
"Luck had nothing to do with it," he said, holding up the pairs of shades and returning to J. "I didn't intend to just blow smoke with that speech in Zed's office, J. The only reason we were taken is because I let Zed take us. And the only reason I did that was to get my hands on these."
"You planned out this whole thing?" Ace said, exchanging a look of disbelief with J.
"Well, you were right Ace. I knew before we arrived that the Droid was here, and I knew just as well that I would need these to combat it. So, I may have tipped off the M.I.B to the Addams's existence, to get an agent over here. Once they were aware of the situation, and especially my involvement, getting to headquarters and taking as many pairs as possible would be a sinch."
J gave a low whistle, clearly impressed.
"You just done played everyone, didn't ya?"
"It's a bad habit of his." Ace said with a grin.
"Of all the Agents they could've sent, J," The Doctor said, "I'm glad it was you."
The two shared a smile, before J bade farewell to the family, and left the home.
"Yeah." He said as he called for a ride to headquarters, "I'd say this has been a 10 on the Weird Shit-o-Meter."
"We owe you our livelihood, Doctor. " Gomez said, giving him a hearty shake of the hand. "Truly it was a miraculous turn of events that you decided to visit."
"Yes, well, you'd have done the same for me and mine." The a Doctor said, looking on as Ace shared a goodbye with Morticia and Wednesday. "However, my next visit should certainly be a more natural Addams affair, don't you agree?"
"Certainly. I'll tell you what, we're planning a family trip to San Francisco on New Years. Why don't you try to swing by?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world." The Doctor said, before bidding farewell to the rest of the family.
"So, Ace," he said as the took off in the TARDIS, the family waving them goodbye as they dematerialized, "would you be up for another visit to our good friends I the future?"
Ace frowned at first, then chuckled.
"Yeah, what the heck." She said. "What've I got to lose? Just so long as I can bring my own food next time."
The Doctor shared her smile, and set the TARDIS coordinates for parts unknown.
AN: Well, there's that taken care of. I feel like this ending was a bit oddly paced, but that might just be me. Here's hoping you enjoyed this one, and if you did (or didn't) please read and review. Next time around, we'll be dealing with The Second Doctor, a colorful kingdom, and lots and lots of ice, so look forward to that sometime soon. And I swear the number of chapters was an accident, the next stories not just gonna be two chapters.