A/N: I know I sound like a broken record, but holy jeez I'm seriously BLOWN AWAY by the response this fic has gotten. I'm so glad you're enjoying this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it. Thanks a bunch to my wonderful beta and friend Court81981 as always. I'm on tumblr ~ thegirlonpeetamellark :)

Don't cry.

It was her first thought when Peeta told her they couldn't keep doing this. She bit her tongue hard, so the pain would keep the tears away, and tried to keep her bottom lip from quivering.

Peeta rolled off of her to his side. He ran a hand over his face and sighed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You know how much I care about you, how much I want you. But we just…can't."

"It's fine." She forced the words out, trying to act tough. She wanted to assure him she was okay, because he did look upset, but she also wanted him to stop talking about his feelings for her. He thought that he was consoling her by talking about how much he cared for her, when really he was just making it more painful to accept that it had to end.

But her voice shook and she couldn't meet his eyes, and he could read her like a book.

"It's not fine!" Peeta protested angrily. "God, you don't deserve this. You don't deserve a guy who will just take advantage of your kindness and sleep next to you and kiss you and then push you away."

She softened a bit, realizing this was hard for him too.

"It's okay, I get it," she tried again, reaching out for his hand.

He took it, interlacing their fingers together. He closed his eyes and shook his head. "You're the only thing in my life right now that makes me happy, that makes me feel good." He laughed bitterly. "I refuse to keep you a secret though. You are way too good for me. You are way too good for a guy who will kiss you at night in his bed, but not tell the whole god damn world that you're his."

She saw the anger and self-loathing on his face and forgot about her earlier distress. Of course it hurt her for him to pull away, but she knew this situation was more complicated than it seemed. He wasn't doing this because he wanted to.

"And it's not really about Rye," he added quietly after a moment, "not in the way you might think." They both tensed at his brother's name; his presence across the hall in the bathroom could still be felt by the sound of the shower running. "I feel strongly enough about you that if things were different, I would just go to him man-to-man and talk to him." He looked up at her with an almost smirk that didn't quite reach his eyes. "I'd tell him I'm sorry, but things between us just happened. And that he needs to get over his little crush, because you're mine."

She half-smiled at that, imagining that conversation between the brothers. She knew that Peeta—and Rye—were both good enough men, and brothers to each other, that they could eventually work things out between them, and not let a girl ruin their relationship.

"But right now I just can't do that." Peeta shook his head dejectedly. "I can't add that to the pile of things between him and me. I can't give him another reason to be pissed off; he's already angry enough with me as it is. And I refuse to go behind his back or treat you like a dirty secret."

Any lingering anger towards him for stopping things between them vanished. She knew that when Peeta mentioned things being strained between him and Rye that could only mean one thing. Without even having the slightest indication of what lay in Peeta's past, she was really starting to hate and resent his mother. Whatever she had done not only continued to haunt Peeta to this day, but it was damaging his relationship with his brother years later.

"Peeta, really, it's okay. I understand." She offered him a sincere smile, squeezing his hand. "I'm not happy about it, but I get it."

"Trust me," he said ruefully, "if anyone is agonizing over not being able to kiss you or hold you in my arms anymore, it's me."

"So we just…" she took a deep breath, as if to set her resolve, "we just go back to being friends."

She realized how ridiculous that sounded the second it left her mouth. They were lying in his bed, close enough to feel each other's breaths, with a few precious items of clothing covering their bare bodies.

He laughed quietly, clearing finding no humor in the situation. "Yeah, I guess we'll have to." He reached out and pushed her hair away from her face. They locked eyes and he leaned in to kiss her for one final time, a soft peck on the mouth.

She felt the desire for him all around her as he pulled away, taunting her with the reminder of what she couldn't have. Right now the thought of being his friend and nothing else seemed impossible.

He must have read her mind because he closed his eyes and shook his head.

"This is going to suck."

Sleeping in her own bed again was awful.

Not having his warm body and hot mouth to make her nights better was hard to re-adjust to. The fact that she now knew what it was like to kiss Peeta and feel connected to him in a physical way made her longing for him even more acute. Before, she could only pine for him from afar, imagining what things could be like between them. Now she not only knew what she was missing, but she couldn't even direct her anger and frustration towards Peeta.

She understood why he was doing what he was. She completely respected the difficulty of the situation he was in. But hating his mother, a woman Katniss knew nothing about, for crimes against her son—sons?—that she could only imagine, wasn't very satisfying in and of itself.

The first week or so was painfully awkward. She and Peeta were hesitant and unsure around each other. They didn't talk much, and when they did, there was that unspoken tension of what was hanging over them.

They tiptoed around each other in the bathroom they shared, and the quiet politeness of their interactions infuriated her. She felt like not only had she lost Peeta in a physically intimate way, but she had lost him as her friend too.

And of course, because of course, Rye had just begun heating things up with Madge around the same time. He started bringing her over to the apartment more and more, looking mightily pleased with himself all the time.

Currently, Rye and Madge were sitting together on the couch in the living room, his arm thrown over her shoulder while they had an intimate conversation meant for only their ears. Katniss and Peeta were on opposite sides of the room, sitting alone in their oversized chairs, pretending to watch the movie on the TV screen.

"You know you have your own room for a reason," Peeta grumbled moodily, not even looking over at his brother, whose hand had found its way to Madge's thigh.

"You know you're right, big bro," Rye replied, keeping his eyes locked on Madge. "Maybe we'll go take advantage of that right now."

"No, please, stay," Katniss mumbled sarcastically. "We want to watch you guys suck face the rest of the night."

Peeta laughed loudly, and when she looked across the room and locked eyes with him, there was a moment of longing between them that made a couple seconds feel like forever. She missed him. She missed his lips, but she missed talking to him and the sound of his laughter just as much.

"You know, I think we have you to thank, Katniss," Rye interrupted her thoughts. "If you hadn't suggested being my wingman that one night and then promptly bailed on me, maybe Madge and I would have never hooked up."

"I think we also have alcohol to thank," Madge piped in, making Rye laugh. When he leaned in to kiss her playfully on the nose, Katniss felt a tug in her heart to be able to have that kind of easy, open playfulness with the person she cared about. She realized then and there that Rye really didn't know how good he had it. She didn't think he knew what a good brother Peeta was to him, how much he had, and continued to sacrifice for him.

She wouldn't be surprised if she were to learn that he was just as ignorant to most, if not all, of whatever their mother had done to Peeta and the pain of their family's past as she was.

"I think I should return the favor," Rye said, his arm still wrapped around Madge's shoulder. "I'll be your wingman for a night, see if I can work my magic."

"Uh, thanks for the offer, but I'm fine." Katniss replied, her heart picking up its pace and her face flushing when she realized she could feel Peeta's eyes on her from across the room.

"Oh, come on!" Rye protested. "Madge told me Gale Hawthorne basically hits on you every day. I wouldn't even have to do any work."

Katniss looked at her friend, who winced and shrugged in apology. Clearly, Madge must have told Rye that little bit of information before Katniss had admitted her feelings for Peeta to her. Madge looked quickly between Peeta and Katniss and then stared at her hands in her lap.

Katniss was afraid to look over in Peeta's direction. She wasn't sure what would be harder to handle: his anger or his indifference.

"I don't like him," Katniss managed to croak out, not meeting Rye's eyes.

Rye shrugged and grabbed Madge's hand, pulling her off the couch. "Alright, don't say I didn't try Everdeen." He tugged Madge along until the pair of them disappeared behind his closed bedroom door.

"You want something to drink?" Peeta asked, breaking the awkward silence that followed. He stood up and made his way into the kitchen, and Katniss got up to follow him.

"Um, sure, water would be good, thanks."

She stepped into kitchen, and while he opened the fridge and pulled out two bottles of water, she lifted herself up to sit on the counter across from him.

"Thanks." She smiled at him when he handed her the cold drink.

More silence followed and Katniss hated that even though he was just a couple of feet away from her, it felt like there was a huge, gaping chasm that separated them. She took a deep breath and fought to bridge the divide.

"How are you sleeping?"

He shrugged. "A lot of the same. Sometimes I'm okay, and other nights are rough."

She nodded her head in understanding. "You can still text me you know."

He shot her a sad smile. "Yeah, I know…"

Their quiet moment was interrupted by the not-so-quiet moans and grunts coming from Rye's room. Katniss' eyes widened at the very distinct sounds of a headboard hitting a wall and girlish whimpers that made her blush.

Peeta cleared his throat awkwardly and they just stood like that for a moment, neither one making eye contact or knowing what to do.

"I should—"

"I'm just going to—"

They spoke at the same time, moving across the kitchen and towards the hallway to try and make their escape, until they nearly ran into each other. They were standing inches apart, her eyes level with his chest. His hand had somehow found its way to her hip, the spot on her body it was always drawn to. They were both breathing hard, not saying anything, but each painfully aware of one another's presence.

The growing enthusiastic sounds from Rye's bedroom were not helping matters.

"Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!"

"Harder!"

Katniss swallowed, desire pooling between her legs, as she stood right in front of the man she wanted more than anything. She reached out and placed a hand flat on Peeta's chest as if to steady herself. She ran it over the strong muscles of his chest and took a deep breath.

She closed her eyes and reminded herself of the very legitimate reasons why nothing could happen between them, no matter how badly they both wanted it.

"I, um…I, uh…I'll be in my room." She turned and walked back to her room on shaky legs.

She locked her door, turned off the lights, and got into bed. She couldn't ignore it no matter how hard she tried. She closed her eyes and dipped her hand into her panties to find relief. She bit her lip hard as she came, trying to keep from calling out Peeta's name, but it fell from her lips in a hushed whisper anyways.

A week or so later, she and Rye were in the living room, eating dinner and watching TV. Since her nights in Peeta's bed sharing kisses had come to an end, one positive thing was that her relationship with Rye finally seemed to be in a good place. He was clearly very happy and smitten with Madge, and it was blatantly obvious he was more than over his little crush on Katniss.

She especially liked how shy and 'aw shucks' he got when she asked him about Madge.

"So are you guys official yet?"

"We're taking it slow," he said diplomatically, taking a bite of his pizza and flipping through the channels.

"But are you guys exclusive?"

"Um, I don't know. I think so?" he replied a little warily, suddenly frowning in contemplation. "Why? Do you think she's seeing anyone else?"

Katniss shrugged. "Who knows? But if you haven't talked about it, she would have every right to." Actually, she knew for a fact Madge wasn't seeing anyone else. She wouldn't shut up about Rye, so Katniss figured Madge wouldn't mind Katniss giving him that extra motivation to take things to the next level between them.

"Fuck, I hope not. I should go call her."

Rye was about to get up from his chair when their front door burst open and Peeta stormed into their living room with the intensity of a hurricane, slamming the door shut behind him. His eyes were wild and burning and for a second she was scared of him; she had never seen him look so intense. He looked angry and crazed and ready to lose it.

He stormed over towards Rye, who was halfway between standing and sitting in his chair and shoved him back down. Rye looked up at him totally bewildered, mouth hanging open in confusion.

"Did you call her?"

"What?"

"Did you fucking call her?" Peeta practically screamed. Katniss flinched. She was frozen in her seat, not wanting to watch this scene unfold, but helpless to do anything but sit still and quiet until they were done.

Apparently Rye didn't need any clearing up over whom Peeta was referring to. Clearly there could only be one person who could get his older brother so worked up.

"And how would I have fucking called her when I don't know her number?" Rye shouted back.

"Then why the fuck did I just see her? Why is she in town then?" Peeta was at a breaking point. He was hysterical, and it took everything in Katniss not to get up and try and calm him down. She wanted to console him, but she knew he couldn't handle that right now.

"What are you talking about?" Rye questioned, clearly confused.

"I just saw her at the gas station convenience store when I was filling up my tank." Peeta seemed to take his first deep breath since he stormed inside. The anger and fight started to slowly leak out of him. "Why is she here? How did she found out where we are?" He said the last part with such pain and fear in his voice that it nearly choked Katniss. She could see how Rye also picked up on Peeta's despair, his features softening from anger to concern towards his brother.

"I don't know, man, but I swear I haven't called her. I have no way of getting in contact with her anyways." He paused for a moment, like he wanted to say something else but decided against it. "It could have just been a coincidence."

Peeta ran his hand over his face, shaking his head as he moved towards the couch. He sat down, resting his head in his hands, clearly still shaken up.

Katniss still had no clue what to do or say. She felt like such an intruder on this obviously difficult moment for the two of them.

Rye cleared his throat and she could tell he was working up the nerve to say something. "Did…did she see you?"

Peeta stood up from the couch and faced his brother, showing Katniss his back. He still hadn't acknowledged her since he walked in. "No…she didn't. Come with me. We need to talk."

And with that, he walked past Rye and headed towards his room. Rye shot her a quick glance before turning to follow his brother. When she heard the door to Peeta's bedroom close, she exhaled, releasing all the tension she had been holding in her body since Peeta had walked in.

She took the fact that there was no screaming coming from Peeta's room as a good sign and tried not to worry about it as much for the rest of the night. She had already retired to her room by the time she heard the sound of Rye leaving Peeta's room, and the apartment was quiet for the rest of the night.

Still, she couldn't help the worry and fear that continued to gnaw at her for the next couple of days. It was scary to see how badly Peeta had reacted from just seeing his mother. Every time she saw how much damage she had inflicted on him she became more and more terrified to find out what had happened in his past.

And at the same time, part of her desperately wanted to know. She wanted to help him, console him, soothe him. She realized that maybe she was like those other girls who wanted to fix him, but she didn't want to do it for herself. She didn't want to turn him into some more perfect version of himself that she would rather have. She would take him any way she could get him. She wanted to help him because she wanted him to be happier and more at peace.

But she knew she couldn't push him, not about this. She would be there when and if he needed her, but she wouldn't try to force him on this.

She knew that would make things worse before they made them better.

It wasn't often she got to be alone in the apartment, but Peeta wouldn't be home for another few hours and she knew Rye would have class for the rest of the day and then probably head over to Madge's place.

Usually she didn't miss living on campus, or not having a girl as a roommate. But she did occasionally miss being able to walk around in her underwear, or turning up really bad pop music as loud as she wanted to and dance around.

One early weekday afternoon she happened to be doing exactly that in her room following her shower. Her hair was still wet and she had only put on her bra and cute, pink cotton panties. She was trying to brighten up her mood. Lately, when she wasn't distracted by school, she was sulking. She was either worrying about Peeta or pining after him. Neither one put her in a very good mood.

She turned on some classics—Britney, 'N Sync, the Spice Girls—and started unabashedly singing and dancing along. She figured she should clean up a bit, make her bed, and put things away. She got so caught up in the music and the mindless task of cleaning and organizing that she nearly screamed when she turned around and found someone standing in her doorway.

And not just anyone.

Peeta.

He was standing there looking at her so intently that her immediate reaction was to cover herself. Slowly, the realization that Peeta was staring at her in just her bra and panties set in and her face flamed. And not to mention he had caught her belting out "Spice World" at the top of her lungs. She was ready to die from embarrassment. She darted over to her iPod and pressed pause.

"What are you doing?" she questioned, since he still hadn't said anything.

She nearly told him to get out of her room, but the look on his face made her lower belly clench in desire. Instead he took a step toward her and shut her door behind him.

"I knocked…you didn't hear…" he mumbled. He was looking her up and down without shame, and she crossed her arms in front of her chest in a defensive gesture.

"What do you want?"

He laughed. "I have no fucking clue. The second I saw you I completely forgot whatever it was I was going to say. God, Katniss….you're…" He sighed and shook his head. "This has got to be some form of torture, not being able to have you. I mean, look at you!" He gestured to her with his hand, shaking his head in disbelief.

She stuttered, caught off guard. "I'm not…I know I don't look—"

He took a step towards her and cut her off before she could continue. He was standing close, too close. Her breath caught when she felt his hand reach up and rest on her bare hip—always her hip.

"You're gorgeous. And I have never wanted anyone the way I want you."

She could suddenly feel a lump in her throat and stinging behind her eyes. "It makes it too hard if you say stuff like that," she whispered, forcing herself to take a step back, his hand dropping away.

"I know," he conceded.

She hated being upset; she would rather be angry. So that was what she did. She got mad.

"Do you?" she snapped. "Don't make this harder than it already is, Peeta."

"I'm sorry," he said, having the decency to look sheepish.

"You know, I'm not going to pretend like it's not hurtful that you won't talk to me about certain things," she began carefully. "I realize you have your reasons and it must be incredibly difficult for you, but things will never change, I'll never be able to help you, if you don't tell me about it first."

He was silent, and she saw that he wasn't gazing at her body anymore; he was staring at the floor.

"And if not me, then at least your brother. If you talked to him about things…" she trailed off and his head snapped up, knowing she was referring to his mother and the other day.

"I've told him what he needs to know," Peeta replied stubbornly, a hard look in his eyes.

"But if you guys really discussed things, then maybe it could be different…for us." She could hear the hopeful tone of her voice and she cringed at how desperate she sounded, but she couldn't help it.

"I want more than anything for things to be different so there could be an us," Peeta replied calmly, his tone even. "But it can't be. He would never understand. I could never make him understand and I won't put him through it. He's better off resenting me and not knowing."

He stepped away and met her eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come in here."

He turned to leave, but before he could go, she reached and grabbed his arm, tugging him back to her. She wrapped her arms around him, pressing her barely clothed body against his own.

She looked him straight in the eyes, her hands coming up to cradle his head and to slip through the ends of his hair.

"Kiss me," she demanded.

His jaw tightened, but he didn't move, and that made her even madder.

She pushed up against him everywhere: her breasts to his chest, her hips to his hips. She could feel him, hard from wanting her.

She pulled his head down to her and kissed him hard. It was not a gentle kiss. It was nothing like their sweet, slow explorations they had shared at night in his bed. It was rough and demanding and the place between her legs was wet and throbbing in response. His hands dipped down to grab her ass and she moaned, pulling him even tighter against her.

She wanted him to want her. She wanted him to want to do anything to be with her. She wanted him to lower his guard for once and to let her in. She had told him not to make things harder, but here she was kissing him, because she was feeling reckless and desperate, and she knew she would regret it eventually.

She ran her hands through his hair, opening her mouth under his. He had so much power over her; she would bare herself to him without a second thought, both physically and emotionally. All she wanted was some reciprocation in return, but he wouldn't budge.

He pulled away from her and took a step back, not meeting her eyes. Her stomach dropped and she felt cold all over. He started to speak, and she stopped him before he could say anything.

"I don't want to hear it. Just go. Please."

There was a long agonizing moment of silence as she turned her back on him, but she could still feel his presence in her room. Finally, when she heard the sound of her door close, she collapsed on her bed and closed her eyes.

She felt sick and angry and disappointed. For a brief moment there she had actually gotten her hopes up that he wanted her more than he wanted to keep hiding things. At the same time, she hated feeling selfish, hated feeling that whatever it was, Peeta should just tell Rye and force him to suck it up. She hated it, because ultimately she really had no clue what it was Peeta was keeping from his younger brother. And it scared her to think of something so horrific in Peeta's past that he would go to any length to protect his brother from it.