Sirius Black kissed me. And I let him.

There weren't any fireworks, or any romantic music or even any spark. It was just me and him, together and it was amazing. It wasn't like the clichéd kiss I had read about. It was better.

We stayed like that for a long time, occasionally stopping for air. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking at all if I'm perfectly honest. I was living in the moment for the first time and it felt amazing to just be myself. I wasn't a Malfoy or an outcast or even a pureblood. I was just me.

I guess it was stupid really, letting Sirius Black take my first kiss away from me. But I don't think I would have wanted to give it to anyone else. Even so, it would have been nice to have lost my lip virginity to someone who hadn't been with more than half of my classmates. But then maybe that's why the kiss was so outstanding, because he's had so much experience with so many other girls. The thought made me feel sick. I was like them now, one Sirius Black's girls. More like one of his slut's really. I felt ashamed that I was this weak, desperate, stupid girl who had let Sirius Black use her.

He left after that, the kiss. Something about needing to see Remus Lupin I think. I was in too much of a daze to pay attention. But now I'm looking at my reflection in a little hand mirror and wondering how long this daze would last.

My reflection didn't please me. In never really did. But now I looked worse than usual, my hair still cut unevenly from the curse, my eyes even wider than usual and my lips red and swollen from the kiss.

I was deep in thought. Why had Sirius Black kissed me? I wasn't like the rest of his girls. I wasn't pretty, easy or for lack of a better word busty. I was plain and quiet and modest. Maybe he was just bored and I seemed like a willing candidate, maybe he wanted to anger Lucius or maybe he wanted to try his luck with someone who wasn't one of his bimbo's. Either way it didn't matter, for he was gone and I was in no hurry to ask him these questions. It seemed for now I was just going to have to wait, still in a rapture of confusion about my feelings for Sirius Black.

Perhaps thats why I didn't notice him, standing at the door of the hospital wing.

Lucius.

It seemed my brother wasn't too keen to do what I had asked countless times and leave me alone. He was so selfish. Why couldn't he just make this easy for the both of us? Why did he insist on causing me such unbearable pain? Was he blind? Did he not see how much I was hurting?

But then I couldn't really blame him. Had I been in his condition I would have come running. There was nothing that could stop me from loving my brother, but that didn't mean I had to like him all the time. I would never be able to forgive Lucius for what he did to me, to himself.

There was a part of me that wished he had just come to me, and asked for my help. I'm sure what exactly I would have done but I know for sure I wouldn't have let him make such a foolish mistake that he would have to pay for for the rest of his life. It hurt to think of it like that but it was true, Lucius wouldn't just get to walk his way out of this mess.

I hoped that the experience helped my brother to grow as a person and see the error of his ways. Of course this was all wishful thinking. Lucius would never learn the difference between right and wrong if he hadn't done so already.

He didn't say much, in fact he didn't say anything at all. He just hugged me to him, and I let him because he needed this and I needed my brother. He was sobbing. I always thought Lucius looked like an angel and it hurt to see him cry. Angels shouldn't cry.

Its odd really, how I managed to keep my humanity somewhat intact all these years. It was never easy but it was something to hold onto I guess. But then why would it be easy? Anyone could be perfectly humane if they have a perfect life. But my life was far from perfect and yet somehow I had managed to get by.

So why couldn't Lucius? He and I had been given similar upbringings and yet he had all but lost every shred of his humanity when he became a deatheater. Why couldn't he have been stronger? I know its selfish but Lucius could have been better, he should have been better.

I pushed him away.

I looked into his eyes, searching for something, anything to hint that my brother was still somewhere inside. I didn't what I was looking for. His eyes were empty, hollow and had a new glimmer of ice in them that I didn't recognise.

Then I let go. I let go of my last shred of family. I let go of my best friend. I let go of my protector. I let go of my brother.

I didn't feel a thing but thats what scares me.

He left after that, I think he saw it coming. He knew that someday I would see what I had been trying to avoid for so long.

I went back to sleep after that.

Sadly for me, nothing ever goes my way and I was rudely woken up by none other than Sirius Black.

Okay so maybe I'm exaggerating. But can you blame me? Here I am wounded and in pain and Sirius bleeding Black bounds in swearing about how Pomfrey hid her medicines in stupid places and whatever else.

So being the lovely person I am I took it upon myself to give a helping hand.

"What in the name of Merlin are you doing? Shut the hell up, some people are actually trying to sleep!" I all but screeched at him.

He turned around and flashed me one of his smiles before sauntering over.

"Hello beautiful, how are you?" He asked leaning in close and giving me a sweet, little kiss. Once again making me blush.

"Well I was a lot better...you know, before you woke me up." I replied.

"Sorry about that love, I was looking for some medicine to numb some pain. Wouldn't know where Pomfrey keeps it by any chance?" He said, and somehow my irritation melted away just a little bit.

"Nope, why do you need it anyway?" I was curious, as far as I could tell there was nothing wrong with him.

"I can't tell you that." He said, his voice a little more serious now.

"Sirius, if something's going on you're going to have to tell me so that I can help you."

"Look I can't tell you...Its not my secret to tell and if you know how to help then you need to tell me now."

I took a deep breath, I didn't want to tell Sirius I was an Elemental but if I knew Sirius Black at all I knew that something was seriously wrong here.

"Sirius, you have to promise that what I'm about to tell you is kept between us. I'm an Elemental Sirius. Not just an Elemental but one of the pure Elemental's. I have the power to control all five elements and I can help you. I can heal whatever injury someone has. Let me help Sirius."

"Its Remus. He's hurt." His tone was different now, he seemed in pain himself. It was only in that moment that I realised how close the Marauders really were. It was like the relationship I used to have with Lucius and I was jealous.

"Where?" I asked, feeling worried now. Remus Lupin was many things but he was not one to over exaggerate and if Sirius Black was worried something would have to be terribly wrong.

"In the Gryffindor common room, in the boys dormitories."

"Lead the way." I urged him, feeling anxious about what state Remus could possibly be in that would make Sirius Black seem so on edge.

He seemed hesitant but he helped me off the bed and took my hand. His hand was big, his fingers long and elegant yet strong and masculine at the same time. Silly as it was, I didn't want him to let go. And it was at that moment that I realised that I had a school girl crush on Sirius Black, Hogwarts' resident playboy. I felt like all my morals were just gone. How had I been so stupid? What would mother say if she could see me now. She would be ashamed of me, not that she wasn't always ashamed but more so than ever. Or so she would have said, I hardly believed it was possible for my mother to be more ashamed than she already was.

I don't know why but I trusted Sirius Black. Maybe it was my little infatuation with him that made me feel this way. Maybe I was just too trusting. Maybe Sirius was better than I believed him to be. For my sake I hoped it was the latter, I had never had a crush on a boy before and I hoped that this all wouldn't go terribly wrong as it seemed all Sirius' flings did.