Thanks for all of the support and reviews everybody! This chapter starts angsty and then gets a little sexy, but the story is not rated M...yet...maybe...if I can bring myself to actually go there. We shall see.
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CHAPTER 7
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Jackie bursts through the doors of her hotel room and heads immediately for Hyde's stash. Her head is drowning in memories and she needs a little something to pull her back up to the waterline.
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She extracts a pre-rolled joint from the brown baggie, lights it and takes a huge drag, feeling that sweet, familiar burn creep down into her lungs where she'll hold it for as long as possible.
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One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand...she closes her eyes and she's ten years old again, swimming with her dad off the coast of Cozumel. He's holding her small hand with his large firm one and she's clinging to him for dear life.
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In her memory, she grabs her father's hand and ventures out into the surf, fear coursing through every vein in her body. Open water terrifies her - - the threat of the unknown, of not being able to see what lurks beneath the surface and having to rely only on her own ability to get herself back to shore. She's so small and she suspects it wouldn't take very much for her to just float out into the abyss, never to be heard from again. And if it did happen, would anybody notice?
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Her father told her she'd be safe as long as she held onto his hand tightly. He told her not to lose his grip, no matter what. If she had known this would be the last time he was ever going to offer his hand to her, she would have tried to hold on to it forever. She never did learn how to swim. Her dad promised he'd teach her, but then again, he made a lot of promises he didn't keep.
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...ten-one thousand...and breathe...
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Red-faced and sweaty, Jackie can feel the effects of the drug entering her system almost immediately. This shit is strong, or maybe she just wants it to be. It never felt this strong when she smoked it with her ex.
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Pot can do strange things to a person, depending on their mood. When she's happy, smoking up always turns Jackie into a giggling hyena, unable to hold a thought longer than a funnel holds water. But during those other times, the darker moments when she really needs a hit, that same stash often makes her an introspective mess. Right now, she feels trapped inside her own head with the door locked and she can't seem to find the window.
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Jackie watches the paper glow and dwindle as she takes another healthy drag. She smiles and wonders if Steven ever found the gift she left behind. When she stole his stash, she didn't take it all. She hid one long, perfect joint in his room, but he probably hasn't found it yet and he's not meant to. She wants him to be desperate. If he's desperate, than he'll appreciate the grass and he'll appreciate her for showing him mercy by leaving it there, not that he ever showed her any mercy.
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She still doesn't get why she defended him to her mother. Surely, she's said much worse about him to his face. The thing is, if he's such an asshole, why can't she just move on? She hasn't seen any of the things she used to love about him in ages—it's just that even though he's turned himself into a monster, she's almost positive the real Steven is still buried deep within.
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But the man she loves is long gone for now, to her at least. She's not under any illusions about that.
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...one-one thousand...two-one thousand...three-one thousand...
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The hotel room door opens and Eric cautiously walks into the room carrying a tray with flan on it. He braces himself for a massive meltdown but is greeted instead by the loud exhaling of Jackie's smoke.
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"You're hitting it again? Already?" he asks her warningly. "You've got to slow down. You're turning into Hunter S. Thompson."
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She looks up at Forman and shrugs. "We didn't really come here to relax, Eric, you know that. We came here to forget." she says as she lifts the joint to offer him a hit.
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He puts the plastic tray on the edge of the bed and holds out his hand.
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Rolling the joint back and forth between his fingers, Hyde can't help but believe that the spliff was meant to be a sign. She'd hidden it in the shoebox he keeps under his bed, filled with the casualties of their relationship. Jackie always knew about the box and he was aware she knew, but neither of them ever said a word about it.
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She must have assumed he'd need an escape if he ever became desperate enough to reminisce, so like the forgiving soul she is, she granted him a lifeline. He would never have done the same for her.
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Hyde smiles, imagining Jackie probably meaning this to be a reward for thinking about her. Little did she know that's all he ever does nowadays. As he lights the end of the last gift she'll probably ever give him, he watches sadly as the only thing still connecting the two of them goes up in smoke.
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A sharp knock on his bedroom door snaps Hyde out of his wallowing.
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Hyde stiffens and clears his throat. "Yeah?"
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"It's me" Kelso says from the other side of the door.
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Hyde sighs. He's not in the mood to deal with him right now, but he's sure as hell glad it's not Red. He stubs out the joint carefully to preserve the rest and hides the ashtray behind a book on his shelf. "It's open" he calls out.
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"Hey man" the tall man utters with trepidation, not wanting to set his angry friend off.
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"Hey" he responds casually. "Thought you'd be halfway back to Chicago by now."
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"I, uh, I thought I'd stick around a bit, you know, in case there was news" he tells him.
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Hyde nods. "Well, I'd probably be the last guy who would have any of that for you".
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Michael nods and has a seat. "Are you toking?" he asks, sniffing the air.
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"I had a little solo circle a few minutes ago. Needed to take the edge off" he admits.
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"You got anymore?" his friend asks with itchy fingers.
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"Sorry man, Jackie pinched it all before she left" he says, nonplussed.
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Kelso laughs heartily. "Oh man. BURN! Seriously. Oh wait, you can't anymore, can you?" he lets loose a goofy smirk.
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Hyde frogs his buddy in the arm hard. The moron king is always good for taking out his frustrations on.
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"Ow! Damn, Hyde, what'd you do that for?" he frowns. "Jeez, you're always so violent" he pouts while rubbing his arm.
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"Yeah? Well, maybe I'd be less violent if a 95lb she-devil hadn't stolen my stash" he grumbles.
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"Oh, but come on man, you kind of owe it to her, don't you think?" he asks.
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Hyde looks at him quizzically. "How do you figure?"
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"I mean, I know I wasn't the best boyfriend in the world, and I cheated on her a LOT and all, but I was never mean to her. Not on purpose anyway" he says.
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"So you're saying I was?" he challenges.
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"Well, yeah. I kind of told her you would be when you guys first started up, but she wouldn't listen. She said you were different when you were alone with her. Guess she should be the one wearing the stupid helmet now" he figures.
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Hyde can feel the Jackie box grazing the back of his shoes under the bed and realizes that at one point, he was different with her. It seems like a lifetime ago, but the proof is sitting just two feet under his ass in a paper container.
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"Be my guest and give it to her, if you can find her" he says flippantly, trying hard to remain zen, despite the gnawing anxiety beginning to eat away at his belly.
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"You're not worried about her at all?" Kelso looks at his best friend incredulously.
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Hyde shrugs. "She's rich and she hot, she'll be fine. Her kind always is" he utters snidely as he adjusts his sunglasses, praying his pal won't be able to see his panicked eyes beneath the tinted lenses.
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Michael tries to catch his gaze, but is immediately shut down. "That's not exactly what I was talking about. Jackie's sensitive, man. I mean, I know it can be really annoying like when she used to make me tuck each of her stuffed animals into bed individually - but it's also pretty cool, like when she stayed in the hospital all night and read me magazines after I fell off the water tower sophomore year."
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Hyde could feel himself getting jealous. Even though she didn't belong to him then and doesn't belong to him now, he can't help but feel gutted whenever he hears details about her intimate history with Kelso. Her tenderness should belong entirely to him, as irrational as that might sound. "What's your point?"
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"I don't know, just that she feels things deeply. She's a deep and complicated woman now, which is why I had to dump her. I'm just worried she might do something stupid" he sighs.
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"Okay, first of all, she dumped you, idiot. And secondly, what do you mean 'something stupid'? I can't even begin to guess what you might consider stupid, Kelso." he remarks.
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Sensing this is going nowhere, Kelso stands up in a rush. "You know what, forget I ever said anything. I'm probably just paranoid or something. If you hear anything, it'd be cool if could call. Brooke's having trouble sleeping with Jackie missing, she's like 'hold me' all the time, but I've been getting laid a lot more because of it, so..." he considers telling him to cancel that call. "Nah, I still want to know. I may be with Brooke now, but I'll always love Jackie too."
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"You got it, man" Hyde gives Kelso a frog for the road.
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"Ouch!" he screams, then smiles. "That was a good one Hyde, I think you hit bone" he says impressed, as he walks out of the room holding his arm.
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Hyde slumps back onto his bed trying to figure out what the hell Kelso meant by 'something stupid'.
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Donna is curled up on the couch in the basement reading "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck.
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Kelso walks out of Hyde's room and plants himself on the couch next to the redhead, who looks up at him expectantly.
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"I tried" he shrugged.
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She frowns. "I kind of expected you wouldn't get anywhere, but thanks for giving it a shot" she nods appreciatively.
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"I really am worried about her, you know" he admits.
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"I am too, but she's probably still with Eric, right? I don't think he'd let anything bad happen to her" she says, trying to convince herself of their safety.
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"I don't know, he's not her biggest fan" he reminds her.
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"That's not true. I mean, it was when she first started showing up, but now he has a soft spot for her, especially after hearing about the Sam situation" she bristles at her own mention of the stripper's name. Hearing it just reminds her of how unsupportive she was to Jackie.
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"Okay, but Forman can barely take care of himself" he points out.
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"I think he got better about that in Africa. At least, I hope so" her brows furrow.
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Fez descends the steps into the basement from the inside, carrying a plate of cookies. "Miss Kitty is still panic-baking" he explains nervously. "Normally this would not be a problem for me, but as I'm sure you've noticed, I like to showcase my fantastic ass in tight pants" he tells them, pointing to the now unfastened top button on his trousers, "which is beginning to create a problem."
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Kelso leaps up and over to the stairs. "I'll help you with that little problem" he offers as he tries to grab the baked goods.
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Fez yanks the plate away and hides it behind him. "I didn't say I was planning on stopping, you son of a bitch!"
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"Relax guys, there will be more coming. Kitty isn't going to stop baking any time soon. Not until she hears from Eric, at least" she theorizes.
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"What'd you say to him to scare him off anyway? You didn't tell him you were pregnant, did you? It totally scared me off when Brooke told me that" he informs her.
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"How would I be pregnant? He only came back on New Year's Eve, Kelso" she shakes her head in disbelief.
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"Yeah, uh, exactly!" he yells at her.
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She tries to understand what he means for a moment, then gives up and puts the book down on her lap. "Look, not that it's any of your business, but Eric and I had a fight. I already feel like a big enough dillhole as it is, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd just drop it, okay?"
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"No problem. I am not interested in getting involved in anybody else's baby drama" he says to Fez while holding his hands up. "I'm gonna go see if Brooke is packed" he tells them as he heads up the outside stairs.
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"What are you reading, Donna?" Fez asks as he sits next to her on the sofa.
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"It's called "The Road Less Travelled" she informs him.
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"You're reading an Atlas?" he looks at her with bewilderment.
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Donna laughs. "No Fez. It's a self-help book about finding oneself."
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"There's a book to help ladies find their ...you know?" he wonders, grabbing the book out of her hands.
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"That's not what this is" she says before crossing her legs.
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Jackie and Eric are lying on their stomachs on the bed, eating flan and watching the end of "Logan's Run".
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Logan: NO! Don't go in there! You don't have to die! No one has to die at 30! You could live! LIVE! Live, and grow old! I've seen it! She's seen it!
Logan: Well, look! LOOK! LOOK, IT'S CLEAR! [Crowd laughs]
P.A. System: Lastday, Capricorn 29's. Year of the City: 2274. Carousel begins.
Jessica: No! Don't! Don't go! Listen to him! He's telling the truth! [Crowd laughs again] We've been outside! There's another world outside! We've seen it!
Logan: Life clocks are a lie! Carousel is a lie! THERE IS NO RENEWAL! THERE IS NO SANCTUARY!
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Jackie is rapt while watching the final scene. Eric sneaks a peek at her and smiles. Who in a million years would've figured the head cheerleader for a science fiction nerd? He kicks himself for not learning this earlier when it would've mattered more. He imagines all of the things he could've blackmailed her into doing while she was running for Snow Queen just by holding the threat of Trekkie exposure over her head.
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Jackie stands up and twists the television knob to the off position and sighs wistfully. "Sometimes I wish Logan's Run were real".
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Eric sits up. "Is that a joke?"
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"No, it's not a joke" she shakes her head. "Why?"
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"Um, because nobody in the film has any parents who raise them, everybody is murdered at age 30 and they're not allowed to fall in love with each other" he responds.
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"Well, I never had parents raise me really, so that part doesn't seem so weird. Women start looking really old once they pass 30, so if they kill me, then at least I won't have to watch myself get all wrinkly and gross. And the last one is more than fine by me. I'm done with love," she declares as she stretches out onto the bed again.
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"God Jackie, when you're at a point that you find 'Logan's Run' to be an inspirational movie, it might be time to call it quits." he says, not believing his ears. "I'm praying this is you, bottoming out" he quips, not really joking.
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Upon hearing this phrase, she tenses up. "You know what? Fuck you, Eric. It's not helping" she snaps.
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"What did I do?" he asks the universe before crawling over to Jackie, who has now curled up into fetal position and is silently weeping.
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When he sees the condition she's in, Eric feels like kicking himself. "Hey" he says softly as he pulls the hair from her face and smooths it behind her ear. "Jackie, I didn't mean..."
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She flips on to her back to face him. "It's not you, Eric. It's just, what you said was...well, it's what he said to me on New Year's, right before things got really ugly" she explains, wiping her tears. "Why does he hate me so much? I don't understand what I did. How could he become a different person so suddenly?" she sobs, letting her tears fall into the pillow she's resting on.
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Eric laughs bitterly. "I've been asking myself those same three question, Jackie, and I still couldn't give you an answer."
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Jackie sits up to face her friend. "Donna doesn't hate you. She loves you so much. I think she's just angry that you left her again."
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His brows knit "What do you mean again?" he asks.
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"You left her at the altar and then you ran off to Africa. That's twice." she enumerates for him.
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"She's mad I went to Africa?' he balks. "I went to Africa, so I'd be able to pay for college, so I could be with her!" he grouses angrily.
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"Yeah, but Eric, when you had to stay home from college after Red's heart attack, she gave up her dream of going to hold your scrawny hand in the basement. She wanted to be with you" she insists.
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"What was I supposed to do—not go?" he asks.
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"Yes! You could've stayed home and worked, or gone part time. Or hey, here's an idea—you could have asked her to go with you to Africa. Why didn't you ask her?" she challenges.
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He runs his hands through his hair as his brain whirls, trying to catch up. "I didn't think she'd go. I already kept her from college for a year and...God, I'm so stupid! Fuck!" he curses angrily. "Why do I always do this?"
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She grabs his hands and looks deep into his emerald eyes. "It's not all your fault. You both screwed up, okay? She could have told you she wanted to go with you or demanded that you stay. She didn't do either. She just sat there passively while getting angry that you were trying to make something of yourself like...well, like Steven." she says, surprised at the parallels between the two relationships.
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His eyes go soft as he realizes the commonality between them. "I'm sorry I wasn't there during the whole, um..."
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"Skanky stripper episode?" she pipes in.
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He laughs. "Yeah. That. Look, I know Hyde, probably better than anybody, and you were literally the only spot of happiness he's ever had in his life. I mean, I know he loves my family but they were never just his, not like you were" he explains.
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Hearing this explanation only fills her with intense remorse. "And then I left him" she smiles sadly as she rides out her epiphany.
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"Yeah, you did, but that doesn't excuse what he's been doing to you. You didn't deserve any of that. Hyde and Donna, the two of them are just so self-righteous! I guess Hyde conveniently forgets the time that he left you—when he cheated on you out of spite with that nurse. And I know for a fact Donna didn't lose too much sleep over running off to California or choosing Casey Kelso over me. Easy for her to forget, but not me."
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"I guess they're the only ones allowed to mess up, huh?" she says facetiously.
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"Also, you forgot that they're always right" he adds caustically.
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She sits on her knees and looks up into his sour face. "Don't do that. Don't try to make yourself hate her like that. You still have a chance to work things out."
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"I don't know about that. I'm sensing a pattern with us that I just do not like." he ruminates.
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"I know what you mean" she sighs. "At least your pattern doesn't include getting repeatedly cheated on and publicly humiliated. They both did that to me, Michael and Steven. And I was so scared of being alone that I just let them" she confesses.
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"Why are you scared of being alone? You're beautiful, Jackie. It's not like you'd ever be alone for long" he wonders.
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Fresh tears well in her eyes. "You don't understand, because you have people who love you no matter what. I've never had that and I wanted it so badly. And I thought I did have it, but it turns out I was wrong. I guess I'm just like Steven said—a desperate loser who will latch onto anybody just to be loved" she weeps into her hands.
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Eric's body burns hot with anger as he watches his once bright-eyed pixie fall apart in front of him. "He's such an asshole! You're not desperate for wanting love, he wants it too, but he's just too chickenshit to admit it. He's just picking on you for having the balls to do what he can't."
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Jackie emerges from behind her hands and smiles weakly. "Thank you" she whispers. "It's been a really long time since anybody's been kind to me. Fez tried, but he had somebody pulling his strings half the time. Guess Steven wanted me to have nobody, so I could be just like him" she muses.
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"You're not like him" he promises as he runs his thumbs down the sides of her face to wipe her tears away. "You're special. There's something so alive and magnetic about you. Even when you're being a pain in the ass, you're always fascinating. To me, at least."
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As he strokes the side of her face, Jackie can feel her body stirring and is overwhelmed with confusion. Her heart is starting to race and her face begins to flush. She tries to convince herself that she's just having a bad reaction to the bud she smoked earlier, but she knows deep down it's really a good reaction to the man sitting directly in front of her.
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Eric wonders what the fuck he's doing, but he can't seem to stop himself. She's so vulnerable and open, and he's never felt so needed or protective. Her face is perfection and her skin feels like velvet beneath his fingertips. He didn't come here for this, but she needs him so much and he just wants to make her feel better, he just wants...
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Jackie looks directly into his eyes and his breath hitches. Her mismatched orbs seem almost iridescent under the glow of the moonlight and like a beacon, they seems to be calling him in - - closer and closer. This is wrong, he knows it's wrong but he also knows he wants it. He wants her badly.
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She licks her lips as the distance between the two of them closes in. She just wants to feel good again, to feel wanted without being taken advantage of for one night. The way he looks at her with such kindness is an aphrodisiac, like a tall glass of water after coming through the other side of a desert. He doesn't think she's a loser, he thinks she's special. This is the worst thing that can happen right now, but she is powerless to make it stop.
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He cups the sides of her face and hovers his mouth over her lips that are pink and swollen from crying. There's still time to stop it if he tries. "Jackie..." he whispers, but before he can finish the word, he's already lost control.
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A/N – I know. I'm a tease, but I promise the next chapter will start off with a smutty M rating (if I can bring myself to write a sex scene), so if J/E makes you want to hurl, then look away until you see the scene break line. If you love J/E then buckle up for chapter 8.
I'm the type that gets squeamish about J/E stories, but I figured that if I could write it believably enough that it didn't creep me out when I typed it, then it hopefully wouldn't gross my fellow Zennies out to read it. You'll have to let me know by leaving a * Review *! Here's hoping the J/E shippers are digging this.
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Oh, and as I've mentioned before, they will all find their way back to the ones they're meant to be with, so do not let this worry you if you're a D/E & J/H luvah.