Hey, Hey, Hey!

AH! I'm so sorry I haven't uploaded a chapter lately. I've been so busy with fanfiction contests, school, acting, gym etc. that I've made no time for my fellow fictionites!

I've had really bad luck over the past couple of weeks. Firstly I dropped a huge Apple monitor onto my foot when I was getting it out to sell on eBay. Don't worry, it's still sellable. Then I turned my neck the wrong way so now I'm stuck here with my neck attractively tilted to one side. Woo freaking hoo.

What else…we had the school Father Daughter Mass. That involved my dad attempting to sing really deeply and really loudly. WitAngerandBravery also sung beautifully because she seems to have an annoyingly amazing voice which I am deeply jealous of. She shall be dead by the morning, I say!

Yes, so life is pretty eventful for me. NOT.

WARNING: House song and Sorting Hat may be offensive…

Lots of love,

HelloHogwarts

PS: /\/\/\/\/\ means that long, horizontal line that separates text. It doesn't show up on fanfiction.

Hogwarts was a freaking castle.

It really was. I thought the assembly hall in my old school was large, but this…damn, it was a thousand times bigger.

"They don't call it the Great Hall for nothing!" Julia chirped.

"No…they…don't," I breathed as my eyes attempted to adjust to the surroundings. There were floating candles, tables that went for miles, and enough space for the world to fit in.

People, sorry, wizards were running to each other, the boys engaging in classic uncomfortable half hand shake, half hug sort of thingy-ma-jig, while the girls ran towards each other, squealing and hugging, then scoping the room for potential boyfriends.

Julia and I just stood there awkwardly. Well, I stood there awkwardly. Julia was subtly bouncing, smiling up at the sky and waiting either for me to say something, or for an opportunity for her to say something to me. I tried my best to pretend I didn't notice her, but I swear I could sense her bobbing up and down, her mustard colored scarf flinging from side to side. She glanced at her matching watch.

"Ooh! Elizabeth, the sorting ceremony should begin soon!" She just couldn't contain herself.

"Uh, sorting ceremony?"

"Elizabeth, are you seriously being serious with me here?" She asked, followed by that tut tut tut noise that teachers love to make.

"Uh huh. What's the sorting ceremony?"

"The sorting ceremony decides what house you're in!"

"Um, doesn't the school pre-determine that according to how many kids there are?"

"No, silly billy! Hogwarts chooses your house based on your aspects!"

"So, there just happens to be an even amount of students in each team?" I asked suspiciously.

"Indeed, Elizabeth," she replied intelligently.

"Okay then."

"So," she began. NO! I thought this conversation had ended. Apparently not. "There are four houses. There's Slytherin, that's for all of the meanie beanies, there's Gryffindor, which is for brave waves, there's Ravenclaw, they're smart hearts, and then there's my incredible ledable, HUFFLEPUFF! We're kind and gentle and-"

"ATTENTION, ATTENTION!" An old man boomed. The rowdy crowd of students immediately stopped talking. "My name is Albus Dumbledore! I am the headmaster of Hogwarts! I am also extremely awesome, and have achieved many great things such as releasing my own album covering Justin Bieber songs, defeating The Dark Lord-"

"Didn't Potter kill him?" A short, chubby boy asked.

"Yes and no, for the answer remains a mystery for the life of achievement and no value for the love and passion of happiness." Dumbledore said wisely.

The boy looked confused "What the fu-"

"What was I saying? Oh yes, that's right. Well I am very amazing. I have been resurrected-"

The chubby boy snorted. "Hehe, erected!"

Dumbledore turned to chubby boy, who was standing a few metres away from me. "Will I need to invite you to come back to Hogwarts next year, Mr Dickson?"

Now it was my turn to laugh. "Hehe, dick!" I giggled childishly.

The chubby boy suddenly frowned. "Hey, shut up!"

"I shall pretend that never happened," Dumbledore nodded. "Could all first year students step forward?"

"THAT'S YOU, ELIZABETH! THAT'S YOU!" Oh, wow, Julia, if it wasn't for you I don't know how I would remember a thing. Chubby boy also stepped forward.

"HOPE YOU'RE IN HUFFLEPUFF!" She smiled.

"Me too…" Not Hufflepuff, Not Hufflepuff, dear help me God…

"Attention, all students! LET THE ANNUAL SORTING CEREMONY…BEGIN!" Dumbledore screamed. "But we couldn't do dat all wiv out da help from nun uda dan da shorting hat!" The school went mad, chanting and screaming. Dumbledore suddenly sounded like a rapper with a lisp. "Let's hear da house song, Sorta!" He began to beat box.

A platform slowly started to rise, in which an old witch's hat sat on. It was dressed in bling, with the gold chains drooping down it's point and a mini cap that was backwards. It began to sing the house song:

"Uh, yo, yo. Whaaaaa?

Me is da Sorting Hat,

Me like ta sort,

You bitches into houses,

You neva even thought.

There's da Slytherin,

Uh, uh, da Slytherin.

Slytherin is da house,

Full of nasty bitches,

There's cocky wizards,

And some slutty witches.

There's da Ravenclaw,

Uh, uh, da Ravenclaw.

Ravenclaw is da house,

Full of smart movva fockers,

They hack into ya Facebook,

They break into ya lockers.

There's da Gryffindor,

Uh, uh, da Gryffindor.

Gryffindor is da house,

Full of good little shits,

They fight all da dragons,

Day neva eva quit!

There's da Hufflepuff,

Uh, uh, da Hufflepuff.

Hufflepuff is da house,

Full of loser-ish crap,

Day say dat day are loyal,

But what day need is a slap.

Dat was da house song,

Of Hoggy-Warty-Warts.

So come to our skool,

Unless you money short!

Cuz dis skool is expensive bitch!

WORD!"

The school broke out in chaos. People were standing on tables, beating their chests. Was no one offended by that song at all?

"Okays," the sorting hat began to speak, "So me is da gangsta shorting hat shawtie - and dis is ma crib! I love hot bitches-"

The Slytherin girls purred.

"-yeah, dat means you smexy ladies. I love bad ass punk bands like My Chemical Romance and I love to partayyy at da clubs. Anyways, todays me gonna be shorting you's, so let's get started."

The Sorting Hat went through each nervous student.

"Waz youw nayme?"

"S-Sarah."

"And youw last nayme, bitch?"

"A-Adams."

"What house do you really not want to be in?"

"S-Slytherin…"

"SHE'S A SLYTHERIN!" The hat confirmed.

One by one, I watched as people were confirmed into their houses. Chubby was a Gryffindor. And finally-

"Hillz, Erizabeth!" The hat called out.

I stood up and nervously sat next to the hat.

"Well, poot me on yo head, fo gods shake!" It yelled. I hastily shoved it on my scalp.

"Ow-kay, you seem to be very interestin- oh you Irish, girl?"

"No, I'm not Irish."

"Scottish?"

"No."

"Turkish?"

"No."

"Romanian?"

"No."

"French?"

"No."

"Damn gurl, I need to study up on some geography! Woah…woah..wait a minute…ah no da perrfext house fur you!"

"Uh, what?" I asked.

"You're a-"

Ah! Not a very good chappie, but anyways, I hope you enjoyed? What house should Liz be in. I had it all planned out but then it didn't really happen. R & R xx AU