Ch 6- Be Brave, Part I
Elsie could only think of Charlie and his baby as the train sped ever steadfastly toward Argyll and her new life. After receiving the ring her worry faded to awe. She slipped it onto her finger and just stared, finding that it made her feel washed anew, like she was someone she'd always wanted to be.
"Elsie Carson." She whispered slowly, her tongue handling the name as if it were too precious to be considered aloud.
Elsie wondered how this would all work out. How Charlie would manage to marry her, and if she might bend the truth a bit and pretend that she was already Mrs. Carson. Part of her found it dishonest, another part thought it right and fair. He'd already taken her as his wife after all… well, in a biblical sense anyway. She sniffled, tears of joy sliding down her cheeks at the thought that her deepest desire was coming true. She only wished he were there to slide the ring on to her finger, to ask her, his breath on hers, to be his. One day, before they finally made it official, she'd ask him to say the words. Until then, thought of the words he'd written: I'm ready when you are, would carry her through. It wasn't the most loving or romantic thing he could've said, but it reassured her, making her wonder if he was as eager as she.
Then there was the baby. Elsie would've been excited about the child no matter what happened between her and Charlie, after all, that had originally been the point. But now that they were going to be wed she had to admit that she was reveling in the idea of a whole family of her own. She'd long ago given up the idea of her much-wanted husband and baby. For years they'd existed only in the depths of her fantasies. It was there that they lived just a short walk from Downton Abbey in a little cottage with a picket fence, with their three little lads (Charlie, William and James) and much younger baby daughter (who had been a surprise for her parents). Elsie wondered if she might choose to use the name of one of her imaginary children, but then abandoned the thought, quickly deciding that a name they chose together would be much better suited to such a treasured, wanted babe.
Elsie placed her hand over her still flat middle and pressed into her stomach gently, hoping to feel anything there but the child was still much too small. She closed her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks, totally overwhelmed that she wouldn't have to forego her fantasy along with her life at Downton. Charlie had made a promise with his ring and his child, and somehow, she'd get to live it.
"Oh my little wee babe. Mummy loves you very much. So very much, and she will do everything she can to love and protect you all your days."
…
Elsie had no idea that Charlie harbored the same fantasies about life with her and was in equal disbelief about the fact that he was soon to be a father because of her. Soon a week's time had passed since she'd left and naturally, he'd yet to have a reply to his proposal. The idea made him nervous, especially with the unromantic way he'd gone about it, but he knew deep inside that she would never say no, especially with the baby on its way.
"Making plans?" Beryl asked, knocking on the door with her foot, a tray in her hand.
Ever since Elsie had left, Carson and Mrs. Patmore, (both lonely and missing Mrs. Hughes), had started taking evening tea together in his pantry.
"Yes. Do come in."
Despite missing Elsie so much that he ached, Carson had maintained a composure that was far jollier than his usual demeanor, something, which, frightened the majority of the staff, intrigued the family and made Beryl warm to him in a way she never had before.
"Your transforming into a proud da very quickly." She said, shutting the door with her foot.
"Well… how could I not? You've been knitting." He accused.
"It's just a gift." She shrugged. "Although I do wish I could manage a visit when you do."
"It would be too much, someone would find out."
"You know, there's no harm in the family knowing is there… if she's your wife?"
Carson sighed. "I'm unsure. I have to give it a lot more… thought. And surely, I couldn't say anything without her approval."
"But you do have a plan?" She raised an eyebrow.
"A plan?"
"To bring her and the baby home!"
"Well, yes you could say I'm trying to do my best to formulate one Mrs. Patmore. It's not life in service that's a problem, so much as that matters with her sister won't make it easy." He admitted. Beryl nodded sadly. "Mrs. Patmore." He swallowed hard. "I'm afraid she'll say no."
He paused, his heart racing, the moment feeling very poignant to him. It wasn't often he confessed his feelings, let alone his fears.
"What are you, daft?" She spat, her eyes widening when she realized that speaking to Daisy like that was one thing, but using that language with him was more than out of turn. "I' .." She said quickly.
He smiled and put his hand up, accepting the apology and starting to sip the tea she'd brought. "I can only hope you're right."
…
Home. It'd been so long since Elsie had been back here, maybe two or three years. Everything had changed for the worse in that time. Her mother had grown old and had not kept things up, the village and surrounding farms had fallen into a similar state of disrepair, and yet she was surprised to find that the word home still resonated deeply with her: in everywhere she looked, in every smile, every memory and even in the very air she breathed. In some odd way, it was a relief to her that she would be giving birth there, a kind of ultimate comfort.
Even so, she was faced with Charlie's beautiful eyes every time she closed her own and wasn't sure she'd ever felt more at home anywhere else in the whole of time. It was at that realization that she began to pray that the babe inside her would have its father's lovely eyes.
Many weeks passed quickly by and the postal service could barely keep up with the rate of Carson and Elsie's correspondence. Each wrote back to the other the moment the mail was received, each eager to devour the other's news and earnest declarations of love. Elsie thought her favorite letter was his most recent. The one where he'd made her another promise: that when they wed, he would find a way to bring her and their baby home to Downton. While she could feel in every breath that some piece of her still loved Scotland she wasn't that farm girl anymore and after a few days had passed, deeply desired to return to Downton and Charlie.
Carson treasured every bit of contact he had with Elsie, but was torn on which letter was his favorite. It had to have been either the one where she wrote back, very simply: Yes! Yes I'll marry you… you old boobie. Or the one where she'd told him she could feel their child start to grow and that she wished he'd been there to share it.
But that, in its self presented another problem for Elsie. The baby was growing and her mother was still alive. Elsie had been more than happy to have gotten there before it was too late and care for her mother in her final days, but was discovering it was already becoming too difficult to conceal the barely showing child. She had yet to tell her mother about the baby and was still confused as to whether or not she should even do it at all. She didn't think her mother could ever understand her position: that this Charlie was a good man who was going to marry her, or that she'd wanted to become a mother no matter what Charlie did.
She couldn't stand the thought of hurting or shocking her mother, but knew she'd never feel at peace until she told her the truth. So Elsie waited and prayed for a sign, hoping something would simply give her permission to tell her news, but no such sign materialized, and no clarity of mind on the subject came to be.
"The glow within you." Her mother finally observed one evening as Elsie stoked the fire.
Elsie froze, afraid she'd been found out but didn't turn to face her mother. The old woman lay in bed, watching her daughter knowingly, fearfully, wondering what she'd done and worse who had done it to her.
"I know that glow." She said.
Elsie turned around slowly, deciding not to deny it. She could feel Charlie's ring (kept on a string around her neck) shift under her dress and fall over her heart.
"Whatever it is, please don't keep it from me. I already know, I saw it in you from the moment you walked back into this house."
The elder Mrs. Hughes was crushed and had been for weeks, thinking that after all these years in service her daughter had been brutalized or worse. Elsie calmly sat at her bedside and tucked her in before pulling the necklace out of the top of her collar. She smiled, holding it in her hand. The elder Mrs. Hughes noticed immediately that it was not a simple band, but a ring complete with a diamond. It was modest by modern standards, but entirely lovely, and far grander than anything anyone in their rural farm community had ever hoped to see let alone receive. The elder Mrs. Hughes was stunned, unsure if the selection made her feel more alive than ever before or if the shock was hastening on the end her time on the earth. Who was this man who could give her daughter such a ring?
Elsie smiled, not knowing how to begin, relieved that she'd get to tell her mother the best news she'd ever received. "His name is Charlie Carson." She said quietly. Mrs. Hughes said nothing, noting the joy that emanated from her daughter's face, just in the thought of this Mr. Carson.
"He is the butler at Downton Abbey, the man who gave me this ring… and the father of my baby." Elsie was relieved. She couldn't say how good it felt to say it, almost like a confession.
The elder Mrs. Hughes was stunned. A million questions swam through her mind. First of all, how could she have done this? She hadn't raised a daughter who would so willingly give her virtue to a man who'd not married her. And second, how would she survive, unwed, out here all alone with her sister and a babe she couldn't support. The idea terrified her.
"How did this happen?" She brought herself to ask, trying to check her displeasure with this news.
Elsie paused, unsure what she should say. Something inside sought to defend Charlie and his honor in that moment and she almost found herself angry with the idea that she could view him as anything but simply wonderful.
"For a long time." She began, deciding to start with the truth. "For a long time, I wished I'd gone another way: had a husband and wee ones. And for a long time, I'd liked Mr. Carson: very much. Very, very much. But none of that is allowed in service."
"As it shouldn't be."
"A few months ago I asked him if he wished he'd gone another way. It's been something that's been on my heart. The night I found out I needed to come to you as soon as I could, well… I asked him to go another way with me."
"YOU asked him?" She was surprised.
"And he accepted."
"Of course he accepted my girl, he just wanted to have his way with you!" She warned. "And now you're ruined!"
Elsie paused, her mother's anger giving her a headache. The older woman was right. She was surely 'ruined.' But then again, that had been the whole idea. Elsie thought back to all the blissful nights she'd spent in bed with Charlie and wanted to weep, not out of shame, but because the mere thought made her miss him so much.
"Well mam that was the general idea at first, to ruin me so that I might be with child. And that idea was all mine." Elsie admitted, the look on her mother's face making her feel like a naughty child.
"What?! Why would you do such a thing? I didn't raise you to... "
"I wanted a babe, so much more than my honor mam. Who here would ever know the difference anyway? He'd always wanted to be a da… The idea was for us to go another way, in a way that would be allowed. For me to have my babe, to not be alone here, and for him to be a father on terms that would be allowed."
"That's disgraceful."
"Yes. But we both love the babe that much, that we don't care how disgraceful it was: and then it turned out he'd been as…" Elsie laughed. "Infatuated with me as I'd been with him."
"He is a man." She pointed out.
"Mama he is the most proper of men. And handsome of men. And loving of men. And faithful of men." She almost swooned. "I assure you. He was offended when I asked, but then caught my arm as I turned to leave and said yes. I know you're worried about me, but don't be. He and I are apart but we're together. He loves me you see. He's a wonderful man. He writes every few days. He's going to be a wonderful father and he'll be here when it's born and as often as he can be." Elsie reassured, her mother still didn't say anything.
"I didn't go into this looking for a marriage proposal. I went in wanting to be a mother, the kind you were for me."
The elder Mrs. Hughes smiled faintly for the first time since her daughter confessed, glad that if anything, her daughter thought she'd been a good mother: she didn't feel like one right then.
"I went in, wanting a piece of a man I loved to keep with me and I've come away with so much more than that: with a man who wants to support me and love me the rest of my days. And mam after all this time … I'm going to have a wee babe of my own, can you believe that?"
"She's held you back." She reflected.
"Hmm?" Elsie questioned.
"Becky." She whispered.
"Oh…" Elsie paused, believing this was true but not wanting to say it. "I wouldn't say that."
"She has and I'm sorry."
"Mama. Mama I know you feel you've done something wrong, that I might go and do this to myself. But it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm in love with my babe and my Mr. Carson. Whether Becky's held me back or not, she's my sister and I love her and I'm right where I'm supposed to be."
The elder Mrs. Hughes took her daughter's hand and squeezed it tight, taking in a shallow breath.
"I just worry…"
"I know but you don't need to. I will be cared for and so will Becky."
Elsie paused when her mother reached out and rested her palm against her middle, just holding it there as if to feel for something she could not. She did not realize her mother was praying.
"We'll be alright." She promised, tears in her eyes.
"You have my blessing: you and your Mr. Carson… and grandbaby."
Elsie smiled brightly, almost squealing as she leaned down to kiss her mother's forehead. The future Mrs. Carson paused, realizing that her mother's breath had become slower. 'No, not today.' She thought.
"I love you." She choked. "And Becky and baby too… and I hope this Mr. Carson is as good of a man as you say."
Elsie started to cry, knowing what was happening. "Oh mama how I love you." She held the old woman's hand tight, kissing her again.
The elder Mrs. Hughes raised her hand, cupping her daughter's cheek in her hand, wiping away the tears. "You've always made me proud lass."
"You've always shown me the meaning of love."
And so it went on like that through the night, till the last breath.
…
Downton Abbey: Three days later
Beryl dropped the pan she was holding and cried out in agony, covering her mouth as she wailed, causing Daisy and Miss O'Brien to look up at her with wide, horrified eyes.
"What?!" Daisy cried.
Beryl wailed, beginning to cry as she clutched the letter. She didn't answer and without hesitation, made her way upstairs to where Carson was serving in the dining room. She didn't care how it looked, or sounded, or even how she'd be received. She was too overcome with worry and guilt and so many other things, namely the idea that she'd have to tell him. Mrs. Patmore burst through the dining room doors, catching Carson's eye so quickly that he didn't even protest before going to her and escorting her out into the hall.
"What's the meaning of this?" He asked, seeing her upset. He was trying not to be angry and at once, worried about how upset she was.
His heart began to pound, noting her tears and the letter in her hand. He moved to take it from her, noting her hands were still soaked in dishwater, but she yanked it back.
"What is it?" He swallowed hard, his mind insisting that it had nothing to do with Elsie. "What's wrong?"
Mrs. Patmore paused, her eyes welling with tears as she looked up into his frightened brown orbs. How could she tell him such a thing? How was it even real? She let out a choked sob as she moved to speak, extending the letter to him finally, her heart quickening.
"It's the baby."