Meanwhile Shizuo had found a well-equipped gym in the basement and unceremoniously dragged Shizzy there. Shizuo found the smoke detectors and smashed them with the sign post that he had picked up somewhere along the line.
"This is what I don't get. How did you become a pussy?"
Shizzy tried to gather his bearings.
"I'm a civilized person! Unlike you people that go around destroying other people's property!"
Shizuo handed him a cigarette.
"That louse must've stolen your balls. What a disgrace. I'll have you know that a real man smokes. So we'll start with that. Smoke."
Shizzy looked at the foreign object.
"Smoking's been outlawed, I've told you this alrea-"
Shizuo put an end to the rest of the complaint by shoving the cigarette into Shizzy's mouth, keeping it closed by applying a strong hand to his chin. Shizuo was very close as he snarled,
"A real man doesn't give a damn about that. You're gonna smoke, whether you like it or not."
He lit the cigarette. Shizzy was spluttering and coughing in no time, swallowing smoke as he tried to get some air into his aching lungs. Shizuo shook his head.
"This is what happens when you let Izaya get to you. Pathetic."
Shizzy wiped tears from his eyes. This was awful.
"He's Izzy, not Izaya-"
"Izzy, Fizzy, Dizzy, I don't give a shit. Hit the treadmill now."
Shizuo roughly pushed him into one of the many treadmills and set it on maximum right away while he enjoyed a cigarette himself. Shizzy nearly collapsed as the floor ran under him.
"Hey! Not so fast!"
"You got all these fancy gym thingies and you can't even handle them? Just how pathetic are you?"
Shizzy had no time to answer, Shizuo kicked him out of the machine and tossed a barbell in his direction. Shizzy grabbed it and right away he was knocked down by the weight.
"You're trying to kill me!"
"I'm turning you into a man. Now lift!"
Once Shizzy focused, he had no problem lifting but he still wished this psychotic clone-like person was not here glaring at him.
"You should really give yoga a go."
"Shut up. With so many people why did you have to choose Izaya? It's already bad that you're a homo but fucking Izaya? You're lucky he hasn't slit your throat open in your sleep yet."
"Izzy would never do that. And how can you accuse me of being a homo when you're rolling around with Izzy's lookalike!"
Shizuo waved his cigarette as close to Shizzy's face as possible without actually burning him.
"Now you listen, and you listen good. I'm not a homo. I suppose there's nothing wrong about fucking Izaya every now and then since he's a slut anyway but if I was to do him on a regular basis, I wouldn't let him go about all happy go lucky. If anything I'd make him my bitch."
Now that he thought about it, this was not a bad idea.
"I beg your pardon?"
"What do you suppose the Izayas are up to now?"
"I don't really know, buying sex toys-"
"Bloody idiot. They're probably putting those to good use. On each other."
Shizzy froze. This had not occurred to him.
"Izzy wouldn't do that."
"Like hell he wouldn't. Izayas are sleaze balls. All of them. I bet they're eating each other now like the sluts they are."
Shizzy blinked a few times. The mental picture caused him to forget about the treadmill and thus he landed on the floor. He picked himself slowly.
"You know- that is…that is actually kind of hot…"
"Shit's messed up. So messed up it's not even funny."

As it turned out, the Izayas were parked on a backstreet.
"I don't think Shizzy would approve of this…"
Izzy lied on his back on the plump backseat of the Ferrari and Izaya hovered above him.
"It's okay, it's all good. Think of it as masturbation."
Izzy was puzzled by this. His pants were riding low, Izaya casually touching the hip and pulling them down.
"Masturbation?"
Izaya nodded.
"You see, Izzy…I am Orihara Izaya and you're Orihara Izaya. So if I touch you it amounts to masturbation, doesn't it? I'm sure Shizzy wouldn't oppose that."
The more Izzy considered this, the more sense it made. It only went to show what Izaya knew to be a fact: he was a genius.
"Oh, yeah…"