"Spencer I know we've failed you in the past, but please let us help. You are not just genius we use as a tool, you are dear friend and all of us care deeply about you." Emily said
"Spencer I admit that when you first joined the BAU that was how I viewed you. A genius Gideon brought in to be used to analyze information and remember facts and statistics when the team needed them. As time passed you proved yourself as an agent and as a member of the BAU. Time and again you have proved you belong on the team. You're compassion, hard work, diligence, thoughtfulness, and yes intellect have made you one the one of the most valuable members of our team." Hotch said
Reid sat their speechless then started laughing "Nice speech Aaron did you practice it in front of a mirror?"
"No I didn't, everything I said is the truth why don't you believe me?" Hotch demanded
"Because….." Reid trailed off and studied Hotch then suddenly he buried his face in his hands "I can't, I can't do this, not now." Reid stood and tried to leave but Morgan caught him and held him
"Spencer it's alright to break down, to show weakness. No one will think any less of you."
"It was nothing, it should mean nothing. Most of us hear have had a near death experience, why do I actually care?" Reid asked brokenly
"Spencer facing death changes people, just because we don't talk it about does not mean it doesn't affect us. I sometimes wake up in the night drenched with sweat after reliving some of my close calls."
"I went to mass every Sunday for months after." Rossi said
"I used to carry my gun around everywhere until Haley told me to stop. I then got my second gun and ankle holster so I wouldn't upset her." Hotch said
"I went to a therapist and I joined a whole bunch of support groups after I was shot." Garcia said
Reid sagged and Morgan drew him closer and hugged him tight. Reid started crying and Morgan just held him "Sh, Sh, it's alright everything's alright, I've got you." Reid suddenly jerked out of Morgan's arms and hurried out of the room. Morgan sighed and rubbed a hand over his face
"You did well, Reid was actually opening up." Rossi said
"I know, I want to help him I'm just not sure how."
Hotch put a hand on Morgan's shoulder, then bent down and picked up the blanket that had fallen from Reid's shoulder. Garcia took it and folded it up, and put it and the other blanket on the chair Reid had vacated. Reid came back into ten minutes looking a great dealer calmer, but was shivering slightly. JJ quickly led him to the fire, where Garcia again wrapped him in blankets. Rossi left the room, when he came back he handed Reid a fresh mug of coffee and a plate of cookies: he handed Reid two cookies and put the plate on the coffee table.
"Spencer how are you feeling?" Will asked
"I'm fine, I'm sorry about the lack of control you witnessed. "
"It's fine, you had a very traumatic experience, it's understandable that you'd break down."
Hotch, Rossi, and Morgan shared a quick apprehensive look, then Rossi left the room. Spencer had stopped talking and was drinking his coffee. However he was still shivering and was having a hard time holding the cup still. Garcia took the mug away and handed it to Emily who was sitting in a chair close by. Garcia then took Reid's hands and grew slightly pale
"Rossi?" She called
"He had to step out for a minute, what's wrong?" Hotch asked
"It's Reid his hands are cold as ice, but he's sweating. I think he's got a fever." Garcia said
Hotch got up from the sofa and went over to Reid. He went to put a hand on his forehead but Reid shook his head. Hotch ignored that motion and clamped a hand on his head.
"You're burning up; you need to go to bed." Hotch said removing his hand
"I'm fine, just a bit cold. I did take a swim today remember." Reid said
"Spencer, you need to take care of yourself. The team will leave and you can go to bed okay?" Hotch said kneeling down and taking one of Reid's hands.
"I'm feeling fine, you don't have to worry. I could use more coffee though."
Hotch sighed and stood, he held out a hand for Reid's mug which Emily gave to him. He was just about to hand it over when Rossi came back into the room looking angry and worried. He strode over to Reid, Hotch blocked him though
"Dave what's wrong?"
"I found blood in the bathroom, Spencer cut himself."
Everyone gasped in dismay and Garcia and JJ went a bit pale. Everyone grew even more distraught at Reid's response:"I thought I cleaned up all the blood." Reid said bemusedly
"Give me the knife, Spencer." Hotch said turning to Reid and holding out his hand
Reid shook his head
"Spencer you will give me the knife or I will have Derek restrain you, while I pat you down."
Reid glared at him as he stood up; he was so unsteady on his feet he had to grip the back of the chair to remain standing. Hotch and Rossi noticed a lump of cloth on Reid's arm but didn't say anything. Reid drew out a little knife that was commonly used as a bottle opener from the pocket of his slacks and handed it to Hotch. Hotch put it in his pocket and then helped Reid sit down. Rossi left the room with Emily and came back in a couple minutes with a bowl of hot water, a cloth, antiseptic ointment, and bandages. Reid had wrapped himself up again, but grudgingly dug out his arm when Rossi knelt down by the chair. Rossi unwrapped the handkerchief which was soaked in blood. Reid had reopened the cut from Saturday night. The current wound was jagged and uneven, the knife Reid wasn't very sharp and it must have taken Reid a lot of effort to cut himself.
"Spencer why did you do this to yourself? You cut so deep you hit a vein." Rossi asked examining the cut
"I needed to regain control. I couldn't break down not in front of everyone. I needed a release." Reid said
"Spencer there is no shame in letting other people see you vulnerable especially those that care about you. Hurting yourself is not a solution; it won't solve anything neither will drink." Hotch said
Reid ducked his head and didn't answer. Reid was shaking so badly that Hotch had to help hold his arm still while Rossi cleaned it. Morgan had already taken Garcia out of the room before Rossi unwrapped the wound. Will after seeing the cut gently put an arm around JJ and led her outside. It was quite as the two men worked, Emily helping where directed. The bleeding slowed to a trickle as Rossi finished and wrapped the bandages as tightly as he dared. He and Emily cleaned up and left the room, while Hotch wrapped Reid up in the blankets.
"Hotch I'm sorry I don't mean to be so much trouble."
"It's okay you're not that much trouble. Just please let us help you that's all we ask."
Reid leaned back and didn't answer. Within five minutes everyone had come back in.
"Derek could you and Dave take Spencer to his room and put him to bed?" Hotch asked
"Of course, we'll get him settled and then I'll make soup." Dave said
Hotch helped Reid stand and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. Rossi came over and put an arm around Reid and the three men left. JJ and Will also left. Hotch put out the fire and the remaining agents gathered around the coffee table. After a little while Morgan and Rossi came back.
"How is my genius doing?" Garcia asked
"He's sleeping, unfortunately we'll have to check the cut every hour so he can't sleep very peacefully." Rossi replied
"What happened? Can we trust that he'll be safe here?" Emily asked "No offense Rossi but he did sneak away from you once." Emily said seeing Rossi's face.
"None taken, he's very intelligent and a trained FBI Agent. On the bright side if you can call it that he's sick which will make it harder for him to try anything. I would like Garcia to come over every day and bring something nice and cheerful. The rest of you stay away, he opened up briefly and then forced himself to shut down. There is hope that we can reach him."
"I will give you a week Dave, but if he harms himself again I will have no choice but to send him to a Mental Hospital." Hotch said
A/N I tried to be as real as I could with the team's reactions to near death experiences I would greatly appreciate it if you would let me know if they seem genuine. Reid is starting to open up especially to Garcia he is going to open up more in later chapters. Follow, Subscribe, and I would love to know your thoughts so please write them in the little box below.