BENSIDY APARTMENT
When Olivia woke the next morning, the sun was shining beautifully through the windows. As usual, the first thing she did was reach for Brian but all she felt was an empty spot where he should be lying beside her. She quickly opened her eyes upon realizing that he wasn't there and sat up.
"Babe?" she called out and got no reply. She could see the bathroom from bed, the door was ajar and the light was out so she knew that he couldn't be in there.
"Babe?" she called again, nervously. Suddenly, it all began coming back to her. "no...god please...please..." she whispered to herself as her tears began again and her breathing became erratic. Her heart nearly stopped when the bedroom door opened and Brian, wearing his bathrobe, rushed to her bedside. She threw herself into his arms, sobbing as he held her tight against him.
"It's okay, I got you." He soothed as he stroked and kissed her hair while she cried in his arms, clinging to him for dear life.
"Don't let go!" she cried. She'd buried her face against him, allowing the steady beat of his heart to comfort her. "You're here!" she wept.
"Where else would I be?"
"I thought...I thought you were gone."
"I'll never leave you." He promised, still holding her tight. This was all the assurance she needed that everything was as it should be and she breathed a deep sigh of relief, there in his arms as she allowed her fingers to graze over his chest.
"Bri, where is your scar?" One of his bullet wounds should be where her fingers are. He released her from his embrace and cupped her face in his hands, smiling.
"I don't need them anymore." He said simply.
"Brian..."
"It's ok Liv." He said as tears once again flooded her face.
"Please don't say goodbye, babe please! I can't do this without you!" she cried as she held on to him for dear life.
"You're stronger than you think."
"No! If being strong means that I have to let you go then I don't want to be strong, I can't..." she couldn't breathe through her sobs. "Please don't leave, please! Just...just stay with me, Brian please just stay with me!
"I can't" he whispered, those softly spoken words unglued her and she cried even harder against him. "listen to me, I will never be far from you, I -"
"Stop!"
"I don't have long..." more tears came and he again took her head in his hands and kissed her tears. "Remember my birthday, when you told me that it felt like we'd already made a lifetime of memories? You remember that?" she nodded as her tears continued to fall. "You have to keep em with you." He said, wiping her tears.
"I don't care about memories, I just want you back!"
"it'll be ok. I promise." He said before putting his hands to her belly. "I'm right here, remember?" he kissed her belly. "I love you Liv. Nothing can change that... nothing!"
"Brian, I..."
"Shhhhh! It's ok." He then caressed her face and leaned in to her, taking her lips to his and kissing her with every ounce of the love he felt inside. When he finally pulled away, she was calmer but her tears still fell in torrents. "I gotta go..." he whispered, his head pressed to hers.
"I'm not ready."
"You can do this."
"I don't want to."
He smiled, trying to fight his own tears but losing as they rolled down his face. "Hey; you and me, we're unbreakable. Us against the world; remember?"
She held his hand as she caressed his face, her lips to his as she whispered against his mouth. "I love you! ...always." lips trembling from the sobs she tried to hold in.
"...Forever." he promised. "Don't let him forget me." His hands were on her belly as he placed his lips to her forehead and kissed her there as she closed her eyes and a sob escaped her lips; when she opened them, it was still night and he was gone.
"Brian... Brian... Babe, please..." she cried frantically, alone in their bed. "don't go..."
From her living room, it sounded to Nick like she was having a nightmare and he quickly got up and rushed to her bedroom.
"Liv, I'm coming in!" He announced before opening the door. It broke his heart to see her with her face in her hands, sobbing as her body shook. Not knowing what else to do, he sat beside her on the bed and put his arms around her; they didn't exchange a word, he simply let her cry until she couldn't.
By the time the next morning arrived, Nick was thoroughly exhausted. He hadn't bothered sleeping. After Olivia had finally worn herself out from crying last night and gone back to sleep, he wanted to make sure that he would be there if she needed him again, so he got a book from the shelf and made himself comfortable on the couch. He was afraid for his partner; afraid that she would eventually shut down again. Just how much is one person supposed to take before it all becomes too much?!
Over the three years that they've been partners, she's learned to trust him. It was only after she did begin trusting him that he learned why it had been so hard for her in the first place; her entire life she had gone through hell and he had come in on the back-end of what, at the time had probably been the worst of it - Then Brian came along, after the way things had ended so abruptly with Haden, and though Nick had to admit that he hated the guy for a long time, his feelings changed when he saw the way Brian had stepped up and was there for Olivia after the actual worst hell she'd ever go through. Seeing the way he cared for Olivia, Nick found a new respect for the guy and from that, he'd managed to put aside whatever differences he felt and he and Brian had managed to actually become friends, bonding over the one thing they held in common - their love for Olivia.
But now, Brian was suddenly gone and Nick knew that it was his duty to look out for her, especially while she's so consumed with grief. She wasn't herself right now and he doesn't know the full impact that this will have on her; usually, Olivia would refrain from showing emotion, no matter how bad she was hurting but this - losing Brian was too much and she lost it in front of everyone.
Last year when they'd found her in that house, and seen the horrors of what that animal had done to her, he had no clue to how she'd even physically survive it, let alone mentally. He'd felt the bile rising in his throat when he saw her bloodied, burned and broken body; there wasn't an inch of her that wasn't covered in remnants of some trauma he'd inflicted. Nick thought for sure that it would break her emotionally, but miraculously, and thankfully, he was wrong. Now, he was hoping that that he was wrong about this too. He prayed that she could, once again summon the strength to pull through but Brian had been her anchor then, and Nick was afraid that without him here...
"Why do you always do this, Amaro?" he asked himself out loud. "Why do you always think the worst? She's strong, even if she doesn't know it right now!"
She has the baby to think about; reminding himself of that assuaged his fears because he knows that her child is everything to her and that she would do whatever necessary to protect it and make sure that it was ok. He'd watched her last night, literally forcing herself to eat because it was what her baby needed - even if she did throw up most of what she ate, she'd made an effort for the baby's sake. He looked at his watch; 8:37am. She should be waking up soon he thought as he got up and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for her. After finally falling asleep after that dream, she'd slept through the entire day yesterday. He'd wake her up a couple of times to feed her but aside from that, he didn't bother her; just kept a close watch in case she needed anything. Her mother-in-law would be arriving later this afternoon; she'd taken somewhat ill after hearing the news from Olivia and had to be hospitalized overnight. He knew that this would be an added stress for Olivia.
Olivia did not have the best relationship with the woman. Of course, they'd kept it civil for Brian's sake but it was strained at best. Mary thought that Olivia should play a more traditional role in her son's life ie, staying home, cooking, cleaning and catering to his every whim; the "The three C's of being a wife" as she called it. Mary didn't understand that who Olivia was, independence was in her blood. Her mother had been just as fiercely independent, Serena made sure that Olivia never needed or wanted for anything growing up and she did it on her own, without anyone's help while teaching her daughter that same self-reliance. Olivia didn't need a man to take care of her financially and that was a foreign idea to Mary.
He had called Fin to come and stay with Olivia while he ran home for a change of clothes. Cragen had given him time off without him even having to ask for it, he knew that Olivia would need someone and knew that she'd want Nick near. The ordeal she'd survived had changed the DNA of her relationship with Nick. He was no longer just her partner, someone she could confide in. No, he had become the person she trusted most in the world, even before she'd learned to trust Brian. Nick had been the one to find her, to put an end to what Lewis had put her through and in doing so, he'd seen her at her most undignified yet still managed to look her in the eye with respect. That meant more to her than he would ever know. For the first time since he and Maria Divorced, he was glad that he didn't have Zara right now. He wasn't sure how much of this she'd be able to understand and she'd grown to love Olivia so much, it would break her heart to see her this way, though he had to admit, spending time with Zara had helped a lot during Olivia's recovery last year. Zara's innocence and pure, unspoiled outlook on life was like a breath of fresh air to Olivia. As excited as Zara's been about the baby coming, she would be calling demanding to talk to Olivia and Nick had no idea how he was going to explain her sadness to his daughter, but he figured he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.
He had washed his hands and was slicing fruit when the doorbell rang. He wiped his hands and went to open it.
"Hey, Fin, man thanks for coming over." He greeted as Fin entered the apartment.
"Don't worry about it man. How's she doin?"
"She's still asleep right now, but...not good."
"I can't even imagine what she must be goin' through, but you now Liv, she's the strongest person any of us know; she'll be alright!" Fin said as he picked up a strawberry from the bowl on the counter and ate it.
"That's what I keep telling myself...but right now, I'm not so sure I believe it." Nick said as he continued preparing breakfast. They sat in silence for a moment before they heard Olivia's footsteps shuffling from her bedroom. Fin stood up from his seat at the counter and turned to greet her.
"Hey, baby girl!" he said warmly as they stood for a moment just looking at one another, her eyes filling with tears. He opened his arms to her and she went to him, allowing herself to be wrapped in his strong embrace. She tried hard to hold back her tears but they fell anyway.
"How you holdin up?"
"I'm not." She answered, holding tight to him. Fin shot a look to Nick
"Well, we gotta change that. She forced a smile as she pulled away.
"Little one ok?" he asked, putting his hand to her belly. She nodded.
"Active." She answered dryly.
"He sure is!" Fin replied, feeling the baby move beneath his hand. For the first time, Olivia didn't offer correction. Now he was worried. He could tell from looking at her that she was tired. Her eyes were puffy and had no spark. He and Nick shot more looks at each other as Nick poured a glass of water for Olivia and brought it over to her.
"Liv, you look tired." He said as he handed her the water. She didn't answer him as she took it. "I'm almost done with breakfast, why don't you go and lie down? I'll bring it in when it's ready." Again, she gave no argument.
"Okay." Her tone was dull, barely audible and almost lifeless.
"Let me help you." Both Nick and Fin offered.
"I got it." she said before walking away, back to her room and shutting the door. Fin turned to Nick.
"She gonna be okay?"
"That's the million dollar question!" he answered and continued with breakfast.
She sat up in bed, again forcing herself to eat yet another meal that she had no desire for. She was well aware that had it not been for this child, she'd probably be on her way to starving to death. Whenever she was stressed or traumatized, her appetite had always been the first to go. During the two weeks she'd been hospitalized after her ordeal last year, she was physically unable to even look at food and as her body got weaker, not just from hunger but from her numerous injuries, many of which had become infected from lack of care during captivity, the decision was made to place a feeding tube and... she shook the memory away and instead reveled in the feeling of her baby giving soft, swift kicks from inside, a welcome change from the organ-crushers he or she usually delivered. Just a couple of days ago, the baby had kicked her so hard in the ribs she'd doubled over and cried out loud as her eyes filled with tears. She'd tried not to cry them but it hurt that bad. Simply being in her ninth month of pregnancy was taking a tremendous toll on her already exhausted body, not to mention her emotions. She couldn't take it anymore and was a total mess by the time Brian had run into the kitchen and she remembered sobbing "I want this over! I don't want to be pregnant anymore!" but right now, sitting here in bed, her hand roaming gently over the area where her baby was kicking softly, she was so incredibly thankful to have him or her tucked safely away inside her where nothing could harm it.
"We won't be together like this much longer." She said wistfully. "Soon, you'll be right here in my arms. Now, you might hear some screaming on your way out; probably some decorative language too, but don't be afraid; it'll be me...unless you decide to be one of those babies who comes out really easily. Of course, being half me and half your daddy, there's not a chance in hell of that happening! She watched her belly as the baby moved inside her and pushed out its little fist, just below the top of her swell. She traced its outline with her finger. Her tears began falling and suddenly, she was sobbing again, not even sure if it was hormones or sadness that drove her over the edge this time. She cupped her hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her sobs; the last thing she needed was Nick and Fin running in with S's on their chests, thinking she needed saving. She moved the tray away from her, deciding that she needed to lie down, barely a minute had passed before there was a knock on the door and Nick came in.
"Just wanted to see if you needed anything else before I left."
"I'm fine." He walked over to the bed and sat beside her, he could tell that she was crying even though she kept her back turned to him.
"You wanna talk?"
"No. I just wanna sleep."
"Ok." He stood up. "Oh, I found your phone in the couch. You might wanna charge it, the battery's pretty low."
"Okay." He sat the phone down on the nightstand and stood there for a brief moment, wanting to say more but respecting her space and the fact that she didn't want to talk.
"...be back soon." He picked up the tray from the bed and left the room. She turned , reaching over to the nightstand and picking up her phone she noticed that she had a ton of missed calls but only three voice messages. The first message played, it was a hang up. the second message was from Casey:
"Liv, oh my god, I just heard, I'll be on the first flight out tomorrow morning, stay strong, love you!"
She deleted the message, making a mental note to call Casey later. The automated voice came back in her ear. Next message, received Thursday 10:57am
"Hey Liv"
She froze. "Bri?" she cried, sitting up as the message continued
"I guess this phone thing's not working for us today which kinda sucks since I haven't talked to you all morning. I hate that I have to cut this call short but, hey, duty calls right?"
She smiled, her tears flowing. There was a lengthy pause and then:
"I don't know if I say it enough, but I love you and I love the life we have together..."
"Babe, I love you too!" she cried.
"...you're everything." another brief pause. "Anyway, I gotta go, Luke's bein an ass as usual!"
She laughed through her tears, knowing the camaraderie between Luke and Brian. She could only imagine how Luke must have been teasing him.
"I'll be off in time to pick you up, I love you babe!"
The message ended and for a long time she simply sat there and cried, replaying the message until her battery gave out.
ONE WEEK LATER...
The week that followed was a difficult one. With having to plan Brian's funeral, and deal with Mary, Olivia found herself completely overwhelmed. Normally, she was great at holding her own against Mary's overbearing personality, but in her current mind state, she didn't argue or even disagree with anything Mary said, even when it came to the decisions about Brian's funeral. When choices were put in front of her, Mary would usually voice her opinion before Olivia could even open her mouth to speak and Olivia would acquiesce with "okay" and leave it at that. She'd completely taken over Olivia's life! When she wasn't dealing with the funeral arrangements, she did nothing but sleep day and night. She wouldn't talk to anyone except the baby. She wouldn't come out of her room. She simply retreated into herself, feeling angry at the world and everyone in it.
The day of the funeral was the hardest. Her tears began the very moment she opened her eyes. She didn't know how she was going to get through it. She groaned and slowly pulled herself into a sitting position, the baby was already on a painful kicking spree.
"Please baby, mama needs you to settle down! She said through ragged breaths as she rubbed her belly trying to calm her child. She was exhausted. There had been so much to deal with this past week and now, today she would have to bury her husband, say goodbye to the man she loved for the last time. She had no idea how she was going to get through it.
She got out of bed and arched her aching back; God, it hurt so badly! Between that and the insane pressure that was now constant in her abdomen since her belly had dropped, she was in continuous discomfort round the clock. She walked over to the armchair where her uniform was laid out; she hadn't worn one since attending the funeral of the young officer that Lewis had killed last year and now, here she was putting it on for Brian's funeral. She reached out and fingered the many decorations she'd earned that adorned her jacket and for the first time in her 20-plus years with the department, she thought that none of it meant anything. Her husband had been just as decorated an officer as she and today he would be buried with full honors, NYPD sparing no extravagance to tribute one of their most respected who had fallen in the line of duty. But right now, as far as Olivia was concerned, it was all just pageantry; it wouldn't change the fact that her husband was dead or that she was now left alone and pregnant to raise their child who would be here any day now. She wondered how she would get through the delivery without him there; if she was sure of anything it was that she would need him when the time came. He'd know what to do if... she quickly dropped the thought.
"Ah!" she cried and drew in a sharp breath through her teeth as a pain shot through her abdomen. She gripped the chair with one hand as she clutched the underside of her belly with the other and slowly blew out a deep breath. The pain lasted for a good 30 seconds before it went away and just as soon as it was gone, she shrugged it off. She had experienced false labor pains before and she was sure that this was all it was - another rehearsal for the big event.
1 month ago, 35 weeks...
"If these are just warm-ups, how bad is the real thing gonna be? Owww!" she cried from where she lay in their bed, curled on her side. She was having another contraction and it hurt like hell! The doctor told her that it was most likely just false labor and that she should wait to see if they came closer together before coming to the hospital. Though they had begun drifting further apart, as the doctor predicted they would, it had been two hours since they started and there was nothing false about the pain she was in.
"Babe, I know it hurts but try to relax." he said soothingly into her ear. "Doc said they should stop soon." He was holding her hand, trying his best to comfort her while he lay beside her, his body curved protectively around hers.
"Soon isn't coming fast enough!" she groaned while slightly shifting her position.
"I know, but it shouldn't be much longer." He reminded.
"I hope you're still this calm when I'm in real labor!" she breathed easy as the contraction finally stopped, relaxing her body against his.
"I'll be as calm as you need me to be. Besides, you'll breeze right through it!"
"You're way too confident."
"That's because I learned a long time ago that I should never underestimate my wife; she's a total badass!" She looked over at him lovingly and smiled as he raised her hand to his lips and kissed it.
She wiped a stray tear as she snapped out of her reverie. No tears, Olivia! She told herself. Today she would keep it together, today she would be strong. She had cried non-stop for the past week; she could not, would not appear a weak blubbering mess in front of the entire department. She would not have them pity her; she would be strong because she knew that the best way to honor her husband's memory was to not fall apart. She'd come completely undone this past week but today, she would pull it together and she was determined to make him proud! She kept that thought in mind as she headed to the bathroom for a shower and to march into what would be the hardest thing she'd ever have to do!
She thought she could get through today without crying, but she lost that battle the very second she saw the number of Police officers who turned out for the funeral, there were literally thousands of them lining the streets for the procession; she couldn't believe her eyes! It was as if every cop in the entire tri-state area had shown up to pay their respect. Upon arriving at the cathedral, she was greeted by the Mayor and the Police commissioner, both of whom would be speaking at the service today and who offered their condolences.
The service was beautiful, hearing the people who knew Brian have such wonderful things to say about him warmed her heart but did nothing to dull the ache inside it, everything seemed like a blur. Luke got up to give the eulogy before the final prayer, she was worried because he hadn't been able to pull it together the entire time but when he got to the podium, he looked at her, then took a look over at Brian's coffin and he somehow summoned the strength to do what he had to do. His speech was a beautiful tribute to the man who was both his partner and his friend and by the time he was done, there was not a single dry eye in the entire building, even Fin had been reduced to tears!
After leaving the church, the procession made its way to the cemetery where amongst other honors, there was a flyover, 21 gun salute, bagpipes and dove release before the last radio call was performed. She choked back sobs as the police dispatcher made the live call over the air and she waited, almost expecting to hear his voice come over the airwaves but instead there was a lengthy silence as the dispatcher repeated the call and was met with more silence. Finally her tear-filled voice came over the air for the final time:
Detective Brian Cassidy ended his watch on Thursday, August 4th 2014. Gone but not forgotten. All units, break for a moment of silence.
Olivia's sobs came spilling out of her so powerfully, her body shook. Alex hadn't let go of her hand since they'd gotten here, Casey was an even bigger mess than Amanda was, and Mary, in a sincere display of affection, put her arms around her daughter-in-law and held her. Olivia's squad stood by, again, annihilated at seeing their leader so broken. They all wept openly and unashamed, as did every officer there. After a moment, Olivia managed to compose herself somewhat; no longer sobbing, but still in tears. Finally, after a few other traditions and more words, the flag that draped Brian's casket was removed and folded before being presented to her by the honor guard. And after a long, yet beautiful ceremony, on a beautiful summer day; Detective Brian Cassidy was laid to rest, his casket lowered into the ground as his Wife, Mother, Friends and NYPD family looked on solemnly.