"Do I look okay?" I inspected myself in the hotel room mirror.

Derek didn't even glance at me. "You look fine."

I frowned and held in a sigh. My new dress was emerald green – the standard color for redheads, I guess, but also his favorite color on me. He didn't seem to notice or care.

"So is your speech all ready?" I asked, attempting at conversation.

"Yes." He was struggling with his tuxedo tie.

"Here, let me." I walked over and did it for him.

I kept my hands on his collarbone for a few seconds longer, our faces close together. "I really want to make this work," I said softly.

"I know," he admitted.

God, his blue eyes were gorgeous. McDreamy indeed.

"I feel like you're not even trying. You're shutting me out just like you did before."

He looked away. "I don't have a lot of reasons to trust you."

"I wish you would stop acting like everything's my fault," I retorted, and instantly regretted it.

He stepped back, looking disgusted. "Right, Addison. Because it was obviously my decision that you have an affair."

"Did you ever think that maybe if you had talked to me once in awhile I wouldn't have had to go to him?"

"We weren't in a perfect place, I know. We were a little messed up after… it happened. But I didn't go out and fuck someone," he shot back.

"It had been two years, Derek," I said, struggling to keep my voice calm. "Two years since she died and you wouldn't even look at me. If I hadn't… if I hadn't done it we'd probably be in the same fucking place, sitting there and being miserable and not talking about her or it or anything."

He closed his eyes momentarily and the room was so silent I could hear the clock's second hand ticking.

One… two… three…

"Don't you think that's where we're heading back to now?" he asked quietly.

- - - - -

The second we stepped into the ballroom for the benefit, we snapped into the roles we'd perfected so long ago. We were successful doctors who knew how to work the room. We kept bright smiles as he slipped his hand across my waist and laughed and greeted the VIPs. We didn't miss a step.

Oh, shit. Miranda Bailey was heading over with the posse of interns. I saw Derek's smile slip a little when he saw Meredith.

"Miranda, you look wonderful," I said smoothly, leaning forward to air-kiss her.

"Thanks," she said dismissively. "Shepherd, I wanted to hear your speech."

"You don't trust me?" he asked.

"To save a life? Sure. But a speech I want to hear."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"I'm trying to teach these people – " she jerked her head towards Alex, George, Izzie, Meredith, and Cristina – "how to schmooze at things like this."

I saw where this was going, and I was not going to spend the next four hours with them. "I have to go talk to someone, I'll be back," I said brightly, and walked away briskly.

Babysitting duty – avoided. Good.

I tried to forget how Derek's eyes had scanned up and down Meredith in her little black dress. She kept her own eyes shyly on the ground. I wondered if she felt as pained as I did when she looked at him.

But hers was just heartbreak. Mine was guilt… and maybe a little heartbreak, too.

I was talking to Preston when Derek found me a few minutes later.

"Hey," he said, taking my elbow.

"I can't stand it when you look at her like that," I said flatly as Preston discreetly slipped away.

He looked impatient. "How am I supposed to look at her? Like nothing ever happened?"

"How about like you're not in love with her," I said, and gulped down the rest of the champagne in my glass.

"I'm not," he retorted, his voice rising. "How the hell am I supposed to prove it to you?"

I held his gaze steadily. "Derek, I know you. Are you forgetting that?"

"Well maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do. You don't know who I've been for the past six months. I've changed. It's all changed."

"You don't have to tell me that."

"Well then I expect you to understand that it's going to take some time. I can't just move in with you and act like we're the same people we were."

I felt stupid and angry. I knew what he was talking about, but at the same time I didn't.

"I'll see you later," I said, turning on my heel.

"What are you going to do, go drink all your problems away?" he asked spitefully.

"Fuck you," I mumbled under my breath as I made my way to the bar.

Fuck him for being right and knowing me inside and out.

I sat down on a bar stool – not comfortable in a skintight dress and stilettos. "Gin and tonic," I called to the bartender.

The girl next to me snapped her head up and I found myself staring at Meredith Grey.

"Hi," I said. What else was there to say?

"Hello," she said slowly. She was already drunk. "Addison Mc… Dreamy." Very, very drunk.

Suddenly my drink was in front of me and I gulped it quickly. What had made me think it was okay to come here? Everyone here hated me. Especially the girl sitting next to me.

"Having fun?" I asked. What the hell. Might as well make small talk.

"Not really, you?"

"Not really."

"Another drink over here!" she called to the bartender, and then glanced at me. "Make that two."

"You ladies having a rough night?" he asked as he handed us our drinks. Probably wondering why doctors were alcoholics.

Oh, aren't we all?

Meredith nodded her head towards me. "She's his wife," she said, as if that explained everything.

He nodded knowingly. "Ah."

"He's doing the right thing," she said to me, stammering her words together. "He always does the right thing. He's a good man."

"I know."

"Except for not telling me about you," she went on. "That was dumb."

I nodded, feeling the familiar lightheadedness and welcoming it. "That was dumb," I agreed.

"He never told me about your daughter either," she went on.

My stomach clenched.

"I bet he was a good father."

I forced a nod. Another sip. "He was."

Derek held onto her hands as she toddled across the thick living room carpet. He let go of her chubby baby fingers and I cried out – don't let her go! But he just smiled and said – watch, Addison. So we stood back and watched and she walked a step forward by herself. No hands. Then another. Baby's first steps. She looked up at us and grinned – chubby cheeks and bright blue eyes. Derek put his arm around me – I told you she could do it, he said.

I shook my head. No more memories. No more. Another drink.

"It sucks to have people find out stuff," Meredith said contemplatively.

"What?" I asked distractedly.

"Everyone knows my mother thinks I'm eight," she answered morosely. "It sucks."

"I used to work with your mother." I squinted at her, my vision starting to blur.

"Good for you." She sighed into her glass, looking like a heartbroken teenager.

She was only five years younger than me, but I felt like I'd been alive for a lifetime longer.

"I lost her. I lost her and I lost him and I don't have anyone else. I lost her to a disease and him to his perfect wife."

God, the girl was really talking. I wondered how we would both feel about this little bonding session once we were sober.

"I lost her, too," I said quietly. "I lost her to something I should have caught and fixed. And when I lost her I lost him."

And I lost myself.

"You d-didn't lose him," Meredith said. "Lucky bitch."

We smiled at each other for a second.

Maybe she wasn't so horrible. Or maybe it was just the alcohol talking.

"This music sucks," she said, making a face. "I'm gonna go find a bathroom."

I nodded and watched her leave.

Interesting.

Suddenly I heard the song playing – Bryan Adam's Everything I Do.

Our wedding song.

I ordered another gin and tonic and downed it in one gulp.

Look into my eyes… you will see what you mean to me.

"Hey." I felt a hand on my back and turned to see him.

"Hi," I mumbled.

"Good song."

I managed a nod.

Search your heart, search your soul. And when you find me there you'll search no more.

He held out his hand. "Dance with me?"

I was sure I'd misheard him. "What?"

"Come on." He took my arm and helped me off the chair. I almost fell over. "You're drunk, Addison." He sounded more amused than mad.

I straightened and held onto his arm tightly. "Maybe."

Don't tell me it's not worth trying for… you can't tell me it's not worth dying for...

He just laughed and led me out to the dance floor, sliding his arms around me comfortably. It was so easy… when had been the last time we danced? Three years, at least.

You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you.

God, what had I done?

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "For everything."

He looked sad. "Me too."

I would have given anything to know what he was thinking.

"You look beautiful, even if you are the devil," he said with a smile.

"Thank you."

He was so good. So perfect. I didn't deserve him. I was just a lying, cheating wife.

"This is so hard," I said softly.

He smiled again, sadly. "I've done harder things."

I felt my heart drop. Oh my god, he was talking about Meredith. He was going to say that breaking her heart was the hardest thing.

But then he said it.

"The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave you."