Author's Note: Sorry it's been so long since I last updated! I was a camp counselor during the past week, and I have been swamped with work since I came back home. I didn't have any downtime to write either, so I took a lot of time to refresh myself on exactly where I was in the story when I got back. I know this chapter is a little short, but I just wanted to get another one updated before I got too overwhelmed with work. Soooo…here you go!
KATNISS POV:
Peeta's hand sent electric signals down my body because his touch felt so warm and inviting. I could have lain in that spot forever with his arm wrapped tightly around me. After the night's events with Gale, security was all I needed. The hunger I felt for Peeta was always satisfied with him around, however, something new emerged in my body; a new kind of hunger stirred that consumed my thoughts and actions. I glanced up at Peeta who was intensely staring at me, waiting to begin our long and serious discussion. I gathered my thoughts and took a couple of deep breaths; this conversation could end up disastrous.
"Peeta, please don't be angry with me about the conversation we are about to have, there's just something that's been…bothering me for quite a while."
Peeta's grip around me tightened and his eyes became cold and full of alarm.
"Katniss, are you leaving me?"
My heart stopped as his words rang with terror. "Peeta! What? No! Why the hell would I leave you?"
"Well, with Gale appearing and all…"
My heart began beating again and filled up with emotions of disgust. "Don't you dare say that name around me, Peeta. You know I don't want anything to do with him. Peeta, this conversation is about you and me, and that's all."
Peeta's gaze relaxed a little bit, but his grip remained tight around my waist. I could tell he didn't believe me, so I decided I would have to show him what I meant. I rolled over on top of Peeta and kissed him meaningfully. I could feel my mouth twist in a wicked smile as I began to undo the buttons of his nightshirt. I kissed his collarbone and planted kisses trailing both sides of his shoulder. Peeta closed his eyes and looked in pain. I couldn't tell whether he knew what my intentions were, I felt like a villain twirling his mustache, waiting to attack its prey. I stopped for a minute to allow Peeta to process what was happening, and then proceeded to plant kisses down his chest.
Peeta's eyes flew open in alarm. "Katniss! What the hell are you doing?!"
Rejection washed over my body and my heart sank toward my stomach. "Peeta, we both love each other, right?"
"Of course, Katniss, but I don't understand, what are you trying to do?"
Did Peeta not understand why I was doing this? I was shocked that he didn't understand. I would have to make this very clear for him. I reached for my shirt and took it off, revealing a plain bra in sight.
Peeta's eyes grew large and animal-like. He took his arm off my waist and grabbed my face and began kissing me. Maybe I would get my way with this without having to convince him of anything. My inner hunger grew even more, and I knew this is what I needed to do to fulfill it. I reached for my pajama pants and yanked them off, but Peeta didn't notice. I reached for his waist band and began inching his pants off, when a hand grabbed mine in alarm.
"Katniss," He said forcefully. "We are not doing this."
My face fell as I rolled off Peeta. I realized I was in my underwear and I felt humiliated. Tears began to unceasingly flow down my face. I rolled away from Peeta and put the blankets over my face.
"Katniss," Peeta said a little less sternly. "I'm so sorry, please don't be offended."
"Offended?!" I began. "Peeta, I have spilled all my guts to you, and this is how you treat me?"
"Hey, that's not very fair," Peeta said. "You didn't exactly give me any warning, you just started ripping off your clothes, and next thing I know you're trying to rip mine off too!"
"So now this is all my fault?" I shouted through sobs.
"I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm saying that we need to talk about this."
I rolled over to face Peeta. I couldn't look him the eye, so I picked a spot on his lightly haired chest. Tears were still flowing down my face with rejection.
Peeta took a deep breath and began, "Katniss, it's not that I don't want to be…intimate…with you, I'm just not ready."
"I…I don't understand, Peeta. You've said for years that you love me, and I love you too. I want to convey to you that I—I'm yours…body and soul."
Peeta's arm was back around me and his other hand was wiping tears off my face. He tilted my chin up and gave me a light kiss on my lips and cheeks.
"Katniss, my love, I understand your feelings. However, this commitment is very hard to make for just anyone. You don't need to prove to me that you love me, I know."
"You doubted me all day today though about my loyalty to you. I just thought that this would really prove to you that I am yours."
"Katniss, this was not the best way to prove that to me. You had nothing to prove though; I know that you love me and that I love you too. I was feeling week today, especially after…him. My nightmares about you make me unable to distinguish from reality, and today I struggled grasping the fact that our love is reality. I'm really sorry my insecurity scared you, however, I need help sometimes being certain that I am in reality."
I considered Peeta's words and began to understand his problem. "Peeta, I understand what you're going through. However, we are in reality and we do love each other. Why can't we take the next step?"
"Katniss, we can't take the next step because what you think the next step is really is not what we should do."
"Why not? We are practically adults, do you think we're going to get caught by someone?"
"It's not that, Katniss. It's just—" Peeta paused. "This just wasn't how I was raised." Peeta looked down at himself and was embarrassed.
"What do you mean it wasn't how you were raised?" I was truly puzzled.
"I mean, I was raised to marry a girl before we ever got intimate."
"You mean… you're old fashioned?" I giggled.
"If you call it that, then sure. Most people in District 12—I mean the former District 12 were supposedly raised that way too. My parents raised me this way and I always believed in their reasoning for doing so. I never cared what anyone else did or who with, I just always stuck to my values instead of succumbing to peer pressure."
"That's really good of you to do that, Peeta. I respect that decision very much. Although, we are married."
Peeta's eyebrows rose. "What do you mean?"
"You said during the Quarter Quell interview that we were married."
"Katniss, you know that wasn't true. It would have been one thing if we had actually done it, but another for me to just make it up like that."
I sighed and said, "I suppose, though it would be a nice loophole. I've got this hunger inside that won't go away. The thought of having you on a different level just makes my heart sing more than ever before."
"Katniss, I've felt that way since the day I met you. There were times when we first started spending the night with each other that I wanted it so desperately. However, I was unsure of your feelings about me, and I knew that it wouldn't have been fair to take advantage of you. Now, with all of my emotional problems from the Capitol, I have to try harder to distinguish between two worlds. If I were to suddenly jump into this level of commitment, I would have a hard time believing which world I was in at the time. The Capitol tried to use that kind of warfare on me, believing I was married and intimate with you. It made living in this world…unbearable. It just is going to take more time to be able to let go of these things from the Capitol. Also, I want to marry you first, that is a given."
Peeta paused and allowed me to digest his words. My tears changed from tears of my own sorrow, to sympathetic tears. For the first time, my heart broke thinking about what the Capitol did to Peeta and how abhorrent reality would have been after dealing with torture warfare. I nuzzled into Peeta's bare chest and cried on him. I cried for an hour, letting out all of my emotions from the previous year out on Peeta's chest. Peeta just stroked my back the entire time; he was unsure of whether my tears were of anger or sadness. When my tears ceased, I picked my head up and looked at Peeta. My eyes were swollen and puffy and hurt to keep them open.
"Katniss, I'm so incredibly sorry. Will you ever forgive me?" Peeta asked. Guilt washed over me as I realized that Peeta thought I was still angry at him.
"Peeta, don't be sorry. I was crying out of sadness for what you had to go through at the Capitol. I only just realized how horrible and cruel their torture was to you. My tears were angry because of the Capitol, not you. Don't you see that there is nothing that you can do to change my love for you, Peeta?" I clutched him closer to my side and rubbed my cheek against his arm.
"Oh Katniss, I love you so much, I always have. I only wish I could fulfill everything you want right now. I promise you, one day, we will get there. I'm just not ready for it yet." Peeta lifted my chin and kissed me softly. He caressed my cheeks and planted a final kiss on my forehead.
"Thank you, Peeta, for sharing this with me. I know it caused you a great deal of pain. It was something I needed to know, and now that I do I won't bother you with it again. I only want to help you and constantly remind you that there is no more competition with anyone else. I am yours, and I'm not going anywhere."
The next event that happened shocked me. "Katniss, I'm going to make a little bit of your dream come true." Peeta let go of me and hoisted himself on top of me. He started caressing me all over my body. My hunger grew even stronger and with every touch, sparks shot through my body. After a few minutes, Peeta rolled back over to his side and kissed me once again.
"Thank you, Peeta. I know that must have been hard for you. I did enjoy that though, your touch sends sparks through my skin." I blushed after saying that, a part of me felt very raunchy for allowing that to take place.
"You're welcome, I guess," Peeta said awkwardly. "I'm pretty sleepy though, is it all right if I just put my arms around you and cradle you to sleep now?"
A smile broke on my face. "Of course Peeta, but only if you say you love me first."
"Katniss Everdeen, I love you more than air itself."
"I love you too, Peeta." I stretched up and kissed his lips softly and rolled into his chest and fell soundly asleep.