Damon's POV
I was lying on the kitchen couch again, as the day before, trying to keep my attention to the TV, though I was just too tired since I couldn't sleep very much last tonight. Aunt Sarah didn't leave us for a minute these last few days and even though I appreciated her concern, she was becoming a big pain in my ass since she was annoyingly trying to make sure I was fine. She didn't let me stand up by myself, even though I assured her I can deal with everything on my own and trying to convince her that she should just go back to her house and take care of her own kids. She was constantly hovering around me and Stefan was the one left behind.
When he finally saw me the other morning he ran towards the bed and hugged me tight, he didn't want to leave me for an hour or so until aunt Sarah finally made him let me go. He was so silent and closed ever since the fight happened. I tried talking to him some, but he just responded with a short silent "yes" and wouldn't make a sound after that. I couldn't figure out if he was scared or just still startled. I told aunt Sarah to let the doctor check up on him when he comes to change my bandage since I heard him cough again last night, but she said that once he heard the word doctor he hid in the wardrobe and she spent two hours searching for him while she was going out of her mind.
I spent those few days thinking, that was when I didn't feel like someone just beat me to death. I kept trying to figure if there was a way out for us of this situation. Aunt Sarah was right-this could happen again and what if Stefan was somehow alone here, by himself. What then?
Then again our father was our legal guardian, not aunt Sarah and we needed him, even if we hated to admit it. I knew that secretly aunt Sarah was terrified that someone might call the social services, they would come here and ship us off somewhere. I knew she was afraid-even when she never said it out loud. And yet there wasn't anything she could do or more like- I wasn't sure she was willing to become the legal guardian of two more kids and take complete care of them, not that she wasn't doing this now, but that meant living together and me and her both knew that this can't happen, not right now for sure.
I knew Stefan was afraid as well, even if he wasn't exactly aware of the possible outcomes of this situation. He once asked what would happen if father dies as well, what does this means for us, would we be separated? And then I understood that he must have heard it somewhere that bad things happen to parentless children. I didn't answer him though, I only vaguely reminded him that he shouldn't be afraid and we'll always remain together. I'm not sure how much he believes people's promises anymore, I think he can't let himself be disappointed from anyone once again so he just stopped trusting them.
"Damon? You awake?" aunt Sarah's warm voice came in from the kitchen door and I tried to look at her, but it was hard to turn around.
"Yep." I responded tiredly, though I tried to pull all the enthusiasm I had in me. Stefan's little footsteps announced his presence in the kitchen as well. "Heyy, buddy!" I ruffled his hair and he gave me one of his big sad smiles.
"Come on, Damy- we're going outside." he let out happily, which made me a bit more relaxed and I tried to sit straight slowly. I felt my head spinning by the minute, but tried to hide it.
"You need to get some air, you've been lying here for two days already. " aunt Sarah said and came by my side to help me raise up. My coat was already in her hands-I couldn't even try to protest "Plus Stefan will go insane if he stays here for another hour. I called the Fells- Fletcher will bring Simon out so they could play and I'll pass by home to see how the kids are doing and then we can come back here." she laid her plans perfectly and I immediately understood why she called them-she wanted Fletcher to keep an eye on me while she's away.
"Aunt Sarah, seriously, you need to go home tonight." I insisted and Stefan threw me a hopeful glance, without even realizing it. He loved her, but I knew we needed some time for ourselves. She had two emotional states-either she was constantly yelling at us or she was annoyingly overprotective and I personally couldn't decide which was worse.
"No way. I'm not-"
"You spent nights here, the girls surely miss you. Go home, I feel better anyway, plus we'll see each other tomorrow, yeah?"
"But Stefan, he-" she tried to protest again.
"Oh, I'll be fine aunt Sarah" my little brother hurried to reassure her in his desperate attempt to convince her she should leave. She let a deep sigh out, she has surrendered and I smiled, happy that we've managed to convince her.
"Okay then, you little troublemakers." she helped me get my coat on "Damon, don't forget to take the pills the doctor prescribed and make sure he eats" she pointed to my little brother-please. He hasn't put a bite in his mouth these past few days." then she came a bit closer, pretending to be fixing my collar, but actually whispering in my ear "When you don't eat, he doesn't. So make sure you give him a good example tonight, yeah?"
"You got it."
She went on and on about how she left us food in the fridge, that Stefan needs to change his pajama, because he sweated too much last night, then reminded me for yet another time to not get myself too tired and to go to bed early-all stuff like that. I understood her-she was just too nervous lately, especially after what happened with father. I know that the next day after we fought, she and Kevin came here and talked to father. They have convinced him to go away for a while, but aunt Sarah never really said how much that a while is, which made me believe she wasn't sure when he was coming back herself and now she was terrified that he would come home, while we're all alone here and something might go wrong.
Eventually we got out, after half an hour of her constant nagging. Thankfully we separated after the next block, while Stefan and me continued walking towards the park. He was again silent, his head bent down observing his old shoes. I was hoping that Simon will cheer him up and I myself was up to talking with Fletcher some, since I've lost all contact with any human being other than aunt Sarah. Stefan seemed so sadly sweet in his dark blue coat with his new rifle on his back. He didn't want to let it out of his sight-it meant the world to him right now and he enjoyed playing with it so much. I knew he must be eager to brag in front of Simon, even though he wasn't showing it in any way for now.
I noticed Fletcher and Simon just in the right part of the park near a bunch of benches. The boys couldn't really swing now since there was some snow left, but they played around us and hid behind the trees-they didn't really need much to have fun.
"Hey, Simon, look who's coming" Fletcher pointed at us and his youngest brother ran in our direction. Stefan and him immediately started fooling around and showing each other what they got for Christmas. Fletcher greeted me warmly, as usually, and I noticed him paying attention to the bandage on my head, which was still showing even though I've tried to hide it with my hat. He didn't give me a pity look though, only furrowed his eyebrows some while shaking my hand.
"So, those two troublemakers are gonna make us freeze our asses out here, aren't they?" he asked casually as we sat down.
"You bet they are. Stefan's been too impatient lately, had to take him outside."
"Are you kidding? Simon drove us insane after Christmas. He kept going up and down with this new gun they bought him, killing everyone in the house and making them his hostages." I laughed out loud, loud because I knew exactly what he was talking about. "Dad was all good at first, but then he got sick of it and I had to take the kiddo to my room since the folks needed some rest."
"I heard your mother is pregnant so I guess congratulations are in order." I've remembered aunt Sarah telling me all about it while she was peeling potatoes in the kitchen and blabbing all about the gossips, I certainly didn't have any interest in. I wondered how they'll deal with another kid in the family.
"Thank you. We're hoping for a girl this time, but you know…after five boys." he smiled sadly " Then again, I guess you never know."
"You never do." I responded and got the hat off my head since I felt too hot with it. The day was kind of sunny to begin with and I cursed aunt Sarah for overdressing Stefan. Now he would sweat and get coldish in the evening again. "Stefan, don't run too much, okay?" I yelled at him though he almost didn't pay me attention.
"So how have you been doing?" Fletcher asked and I turned towards him a little too abruptly which cause my head to spin a little again "I heard what happened." he wasn't trying to pry, he just wanted me to talk to him, he felt I needed it, and God I really did.
"You heard that my own father beat me up or you heard the version where I tripped over and hit my head by accident?"
"The first. Your aunt talked to mom." I knew it would be like that. Aunt Sarah and the Fells were close. I didn't know what to tell him anymore so I just bent my head down and stared at my shoes for a moment, just like Stefan did not so long ago. "But seriously, Damon, how are you doing?" there was concern in his voice, but I still couldn't bring myself to meeting his stare.
I didn't like when people felt sorry for me. For us actually. I knew he only meant well, though, so I tried to calm myself down. I was stubborn when it came to other people knowing my personal affairs and feelings, I didn't like sharing, damn, I'm not sure I ever did share with someone, but on the other hand there was just so much weight inside me. Stefan was a kid-he could cry and nobody would ever judge him, he can crawl in his bed and hide from the whole world but I had to stand straight for both of us, I had to keep us safe and I wasn't neither supposed not allowed to cry or show my weaknesses. I was responsible for me and more importantly-for the motherless boy before me, who was supposed to not have a care in the world, but was instead sad, worried and constantly confused by the people around him.
"I just don't know what to do anymore, Fletcher." I silently said after a while and buried my hands in my hair "I think about it and I don't see a way out. And it's not just me anymore-"
"That's true, but" he interrupted me and put his hand on my shoulder "It's also about you, it's very much about you, Damon. You care about Stefan, but you're so recklessly blinded in your willingness to protect him that you stop thinking straight. You are a person too, you are a boy too, just like him and yes, he needs you, he sure as hell needs you, because if something happens to you he's left alone, you understand that right? But it's also about you as a person who's growing up. The stuff we see-they change us, they make us different people and one day you'll find yourself asking how did you end up like this? You get what I am saying?
I just simply nodded, without even trying to attempt to oppose him.
"He's just a kid." I said and looked up only to see them playing behind the tree in front of us. "He shouldn't have seen this. "
"What an irony" Fletcher said "You wish your brother couldn't see and I pray for the exact opposite for mine. Isn't that sad?"
"It's not sad, Fletcher. It's cruel." my intonation startled him and we stopped talking for quite a while, we only looked at the kids, jumping up in front of us .
"Why don't you come and have dinner with us tonight, huh? Mom is cooking chicken, you're gonna like it."
"No…" I shook my head "I know what you're doing here Fletcher."
"Even so" he put his hand on my shoulder again "Please say yes."
I looked away, trying to figure out a way to decline his offer, but somehow without having a explanation why I nodded my head and we called the kids back.
"But , Fletcher can't we play some mooore." Simon's sweet childish voice filled the air. Stefan wasn't even up for protesting today, he seemed a bit pale again.
"You'll play more tonight, Stefan and Damon are coming for dinner."
"What?" Stefan suddenly woke up from his trans "We are?" I nodded and a smile appeared on his face, he went up and hugged Fletcher, saying thank you about a bunch of times and we stood up , slowly heading to their house.
Stefan's POV
I was so happy when I found out that we were going to the Fells, I loved having fun in their house and Simon was even more eager than me to start fooling around all their family home, so we cleaned our plates in matter of ten minutes and silently tried to get off the table. His mother wanted to scold us at first and Damon tried to make me come back, but both Evan and Fletcher convinced them to let us go, because they were aware of the fact that we would probably keep tickling each other on if we remained there and once I broke a plate while playing like this which made me feel very bad.
We continued playing soldiers, but eventually got tired and sat down on his bed in the room he shared with Fletcher and John.
"What's wrong with your brother's head?" Simon asked me as we leaned on the wall and he turned on the barely working TV in their room in desperate attempt to find our favorite cartoon.
"Daddy pushed him and he fell down." I responded and Simon turned towards me abruptly. His eyes were so bigger when he wore the glasses and now I could see the regret in them. He felt sorry for me.
"Well why would he do that?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Because he drinks a lot I guess." I couldn't find a better explanation.
"My daddy drinks sometimes when he comes late after work. " he turned back towards the screen again "But he never pushes anyone." he concluded sadly "I am sorry, Stefan." I nodded and failed to give him a smile so I would assure him it's all fine. It wasn't all fine "Did you see it all happen?"
"Yeah.."
"Were you scared?" he asked now curiously
"Not that much at first, more like later when the doctor came. I thought he would just disappear like momma did, you know? I was terrified."
"That's okay." he reassured me and put his small hand on my shoulder "It's all fine to be afraid. I think even grown-ups get scared, you know?"
"They do?" I asked in disbelief. I always thought Damon is not afraid of anything. I wanted to be just like him, I wanted to be brave.
"Yeah, I think so. There was this one time after we came back from the doctor and later I heard mom cry and Fletcher trying to calm her in the kitchen. They didn't knew I was there. She was scared" he said trying to hide the sadness in his voice "I guess she still is, because she thinks I will stop seeing."
"What?" I asked confused "That would never happen!" I protested and put my hand over his shoulders. He was smaller than me and that was telling a lot considering how much aunt Sarah always said that I look almost invisible. I told her that she should just skip the almost-I was invisible. Simon remained silent and didn't want to face my look which made me believe that he doesn't believe my words. "Hey, Simon!" he finally paid me attention "Buddy, that's not happening, you hear me?"
"Yeah." he finally smiled and for a moment we both stared at the TV screen though I'm not sure we were watching anything at all. Both me and him were thinking about other stuff "Does your brother cry sometimes?" he asked after a while
"No" I shook my head. I haven't seen Damon cry since we were very little when he hit his knee in the table "Does Fletcher cry?"
"I don't think so. I'm not sure that when we grow up we are supposed to cry, you know?" he added with uncertainty
"Yeah, Damon always says that big boys don't cry, that they need to man up and act like they are supposed to. I still think he wants to sometimes."
"I think so too" he silently agreed with me "I think Fletcher tries to do as much as he can to help mom and dad." he took his new toy gun out of his jeans and put it on the drawer. I took my rifle away as well and we laid down, because we were both tired. "What would happen if they both go to work somewhere in the summer, Stefan?" he finally let out his biggest fear. I knew he was hiding something the whole day. Maybe that was what tortured him. "They would leave us all alone here."
For a moment I got scared that he was right, that after all maybe people really do leave us alone, even when they don't want to.
"I don't know, Simon." I yawned, I was getting sleepy "I really don't know."
Damon's POV
After we didn't hear from Stefan or Simon for about half an hour Fletcher took me to their room and we found them both asleep on Simon's bed, almost hugged in each other. Honestly they seemed so cute that it made my heart clench. Their toys were on the cupboard, the TV was on and their tired pale faces were resting peacefully. I had to take my brother home, though, so Fletcher helped me wrap him in a blanket and carry him downstairs. Stefan moved up a bit, but didn't wake up. At first Fletcher insisted that we spent the night there, but I refused all their kind invitations and they accepted my decision since they knew we would feel better in our own home.
On the way to the house while pressing Stefan's little body to my chest and hearing his slow hoarse breathing I couldn't get rid of the feeling of sadness inside me. I don't know why it was there, but it was like a weight in my chest, ready to explode, making me be so mad and confused at the same time, making me unable to be the man I was supposed to be.
I couldn't figure out what was going on inside me, maybe because I couldn't figure out why our lives were so screwed up. I didn't feel sorry for myself, I felt bad because nothing was how it should be, not only for me and Stefan, but for everyone I knew. There was Fletcher with a big family that barely supported themselves and with a youngest brother who was losing his sight. There was aunt Sarah with her unfortunate destiny to take care of kids for whom no one in this world cared for anymore and there was father, who after all was a man lost his desire to live, to move on, to make things better-who was killing himself more and more with every passing day, because he couldn't accept that his life didn't turn up how he wanted it and the love of his wife was buried in the ground under him. And we all carried our sadness within ourselves without giving it too much thought but trying to drown it, to kill it, though it just came back on the surface again. Aunt Sarah was burying herself in work, Fletcher was trying his best to help Simon see as much of the world as he could before the inevitable happened and dad was trying to forget that mom was never coming back. And I? I was deluding myself just as bad as them-I was giving the boy in my arms false hope. I was lying to him, every day, I was trying to figure out a way to make him believe so desperately, that things will work out and we all will be fine. I was a liar and I didn't even feel ashamed of myself.
Just as I was closing our front door and carefully taking my shoes on Stefan's eyes popped up and he gave me one of his genuine smiles.
"Damy?" he asked still sleepy
"Shh, Stefan, go back to sleep." he buried his head in my shoulder again
"Are we home?" he asked again as I was just entering our room.
"Yes, buddy, we are." I put him in his bed and slowly took his shoes off. As soon as I lay him down and his head hits the pillow he starts coughing and I furrow my eyebrows. For a moment I'm brought back a year ago when he was in this same bed and mom was hovering over him for nights on end while he was turning right and left, unable to fall asleep. But now mom wasn't here, only I was and I didn't know what to do to calm him down. I picked up the glass of water from the cupboard and after he took a few sips he relaxed back and cuddled himself up in the blanket.
"I'm sorry " he said silently while I was making sure he's warm enough
"Don't be" I stroke his hair and gave him a kiss goodnight. Just when I was about to stand up and get ready for bed myself I heard him say something barely audible.
"It's fine, Damon. I know you'll leave one day."
"What?" I turned abruptly and noticed that he was again giving me one of his sad smiles as he was trying to find already closing his eyes.
"It's fine. I understand." he just repeated and almost hid his head under the blanket leaving me confused in the center of our dark cold room.
I felt as if someone has just hit me with the brick of reality right in the face. The weight inside me grew and made me suffocate, unable to catch my breath. I felt a single tear falling down my face and slowly ran my hands through my hair until I reached the bandage on the back of it.
I wanted to just go back to his bed, make him wake up and tell me what the hell he means by that, because I couldn't figure it out. I was older and I couldn't figure it out. A boy at the age of five was more certain of my future than I ever will be-how could this happen? How could he just say something like this when I didn't miss a single occasion to remind him that I'm never leaving him alone.
I stood up there for about ten minutes still trying to process his words. Then I just gave up, went by my bed and slowly undressed myself. I felt like I want to just lie down and sleep for a few days.
When I finally hit the pillow I tugged myself with the blanket just like Stefan did. There were still tears coming down my cheeks and I tried to brush them away with my t-shirt, but then I just stopped and turned around towards my brother's bed.
He was sleeping peacefully and I smiled lightly to myself. I wish I could tell him that yes-I am afraid, I'm more than afraid-I'm terrified. For him, for both of us. I wish I could tell him that sometimes I'm scared out of my mind for him just like he was when he saw me hurt. I wish I could teach him that it's better to admit that you're scared than to built walls around you.
I wish I could. God, I really wish I could.
A/N: This turned out a bit more serious than I initially thought it would be. Anyway, haven't been sleeping much lately so I just thought I would write some. Hope you enjoy and give me your opinions on it. ((: