Down to Earth

How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors?
Leading you down into my core,
Where I've become so numb.

Elizabeth came awake with a shock.

A quick glance at the clock on her nightstand told her that it was 10 AM. At first, she was unable to believe she'd actually slept that long. Then, bits and pieces of the conversation from last night came drifting back to her, and she realized it had gotten quite late for both of them. They'd talked for a very long time.

John had expressed fear of getting transferred to another post back on Earth. At her disbelieving look, he'd patiently explained to her that The Powers That Be wouldn't trust a position of great importance to a Major, and that even if it wouldn't be his rank, it would definitely be his questionable record that would soon lead to his replacement. Elizabeth had tried to convince him of his importance to the expedition – and to her, though she'd not spoken that thought out loud – but her arguments had done little to put his mind at rest.

To be honest, Elizabeth knew exactly where her CO was coming from. She, too, suspected the SGC was going to give them a hard time, though she hadn't yet considered the possibility of losing John to his commanders. What she had counted on, was the interference of the military and the IOA the moment they established contact with Earth. She'd fully expected them to take immediate control over the expedition now that it was going to be a lot easier for them to keep an eye on the city and its inhabitants. However, she knew for a fact that the SGC only wanted what was best for both Earth and Atlantis, so she would have to make them realize that John was, in fact, the best man for the job.

She and John had gotten off to a rocky start. All too clearly she could remember their first argument on the balcony only hours after they'd arrived on Atlantis. She'd barely managed to get him to listen to her concerns about provoking the Wraith. Of course, she'd respected his determination to leave no one behind, but her thoughts had been with the wellbeing of all the expedition members at the time. Over the course of the year, she'd learnt that she couldn't always play things by the book on Atlantis, for it seemed that the Wraith and the Genii and all the others hostile civilisations they'd encountered didn't exactly stick to the rules either.

She and John had soon developed mutual a respect for each other, and while they didn't always see eye to eye, they'd eventually found a way of working together that worked for both of them.

Elizabeth trusted John's leadership abilities, and the fact that he'd defended her to Everett a few weeks ago proved that John had come to trust her decision-making as well. She'd not yet forgotten about the nanites-incident, but they'd talked about the situation afterwards, and she knew that John would never undermine her authority in public again. He'd explained to her that he would continue to do whatever he deemed best, but that he would never openly diminish her orders again. She believed him.

In truth, Elizabeth silently admired John's tendency to act on his own account. That was not to say she liked people overriding her authority, but she still preferred the Major's presence to that of someone who would jump in front of a train if ordered to do so by their superiors back on Earth. She liked it when people had a mind of their own, and it was obvious that John was perfectly capable of thinking for himself. And those thoughts were remarkably clever most of the time. She'd come to rely on his guidance and knowledge, and if she were completely honest with herself, her military leader had changed her view on the military as a whole – and that was quite an accomplishment.

Knowing she was too late for breakfast already, Elizabeth decided to pay another visit to Doctor Jackson's lab. She was curious to know how far he was with the Ancient tablet. She assumed the doctor had translated most of the symbols already, for she assumed she and John weren't the only ones who hadn't slept much lately: no doubt the good Doctor had worked through a few nights as well.

oOo

"Elizabeth!"

Elizabeth turned around and watched as her CO came jogging up to her. His face was excited, and she found herself smiling before he'd even said anything.

John came to a halt in front of her, wearing the outfit he usually reserved for his workout sessions with Teyla. His hair was sticking out in more directions than usual – if that was even possible – and he held a pair of bantos sticks in his right hand.

Elizabeth allowed him a few seconds to catch his breath, but he didn't seem to need them. John was always in good condition, partially because he frequently got chased by angry aliens with pitchforks, but for the most part, his physical fitness was due to his long morning jogs through the uninhabited areas of Atlantis. She'd once asked him if he had a running partner, but he'd told her he preferred to run alone. Elizabeth hadn't asked any further questions. John was entitled to his own way of finding peace and quietness.

"I didn't get beat to death by Teal'c," John told her happily. He threw one stick up in the air and caught it easily with his left hand. At the same time, he managed to swirl the other stick around with his right hand. It was obvious he'd developed some skill.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "I'm assuming that's a good thing?" She continued to walk down the corridor and waited for John to fall into step beside her. Energy was radiating off him, and her lips twirled upward. He was acting like a ten-year old who'd just seen a horrible monster – too overcome by the coolness of the situation to be afraid. It was nice to see him lose the stiff posture he'd developed during his time at the SGC. He wasn't the Head of Military around here, and he'd been forced to quickly adapt to the strict chain of command at the base.

John nodded eagerly. "Yep. Remind me to thank Teyla when we get back to Atlantis, because I owe her my remarkably unbroken bones." He shot her a grin.

Elizabeth's steps faltered slightly, but she quickly picked up her pace again. Apparently, John was acting like the talk from last night had never happened. She knew for a fact that he was very much doubting whether he was going to be allowed to return to Atlantis.

"I will," she said slowly.

John suddenly raised his right hand, and only just managed to avoid smacking her in the head with the stick he was still holding. Elizabeth quickly ducked her head, and he smiled at her. "Nice reflex. Listen, about last night…" He trailed off for a moment. "I didn't mean to bother you with my personal issues. I mean, you looked like you had enough stuff on your mind already. So…"

Elizabeth came to a halt. "Do you want me to forget about what we talked about?" she asked disbelievingly. It shouldn't hurt as much as it did. Every time it finally started to look like she and John might get past the awkwardness they'd developed around each other on this base, one of them decided to take some distance again. Much as she tried not to let it get to her, she couldn't help but feel frustrated with the situation.

Maybe, she thought sadly, they couldn't uphold a proper conversation without standing on a balcony that was surrounded by nothing but sky and ocean.

No, she was being ridiculous. This was John, and she knew that she could talk to him anywhere.

"No, I don't want you to forget what I've said." Her commanding officer gave her a pained look. "I only wish I hadn't bothered you with my issues in the first place. But I guess it's too late for that now, er?"

Elizabeth didn't even bother to nod.

John took a deep breath. "Look, I wasn't trying to offend you," he said needlessly. "I just wanted to apologize for bothering you." He no longer looked excited, and she felt the sudden need to say something to make him smile again. Though she had to admit that John's face was always easy on the eyes, she preferred his smiling face over his other expression – and John could wear a lot of different masks, of that she'd seen more than enough evidence by now.

"Don't be," she told him. "I'm glad you let me in on your thoughts last night." And she hadn't even come close to scratching the surface of what was going on inside his head. For one, John had refused to talk about the woman he'd mentioned, and he hadn't told her what it was that was keeping him up at night. In return, she hadn't really opened up to him as well. Still, they'd talked about some, mostly work-related, things that were bothering them, and for that she was glad. She knew John pretty well, but she didn't know much about him. She didn't know what drove him, and knowing what he was thinking made her feel like she did, if only just a little.

John didn't look convinced, but seemed to be willing to let the matter drop. "Are you on your way to the Mess?" he asked casually.

Elizabeth sighed. "I guess I am. It's ironic, isn't it? I spent an entire year thinking dreaming of all the delicious things to eat on Earth, but I've only eaten more military rations since I got back here." She thought about that for a second. "No wait, that's not entirely true. I did have some amazing food a few days ago." She gave him a meaningful look.

John was silent for a moment. Then, "I could drive you over to the nearest cafeteria." He pointed at her with one of his sticks. "You look like you could use some real food." His gaze critically wandered down her body, and she raised an eyebrow at him. "And I could use some time away from this base," he continued, not the least bit embarrassed at getting caught staring at his boss' body. "I think I'm starting to understand why you dislike this place so much" He waved one of his sticks around, as if to further indicate what he meant by 'this place', and she cringed as the wood hit the wall.

The waving had been entirely unnecessary. Elizabeth didn't need to look around to know what he meant. She decided to ignore the comment about her posture, and gave him a tentative smile. "I would love to get out of here for a while." They would have to be cautious again, because things hadn't changed much since they'd first decided it was better not to be seen hanging out together after work. Still, over the past few days, there hadn't been a moment to go by without her thinking back on their day shopping together, and she'd come to realize she rather liked spending time with John out of work.

John beamed. "Judging from the way people reacted to my presence on my way here, I think I'm going to need a shower before we leave. How about we meet in the parking lot in about," he glanced at his watch, "fifteen minutes? Don't bring your purse," he warned, pointing a stick in her direction. "I'm paying."

Elizabeth sent him a smile and turned on her feet. She hadn't replied to that last comment, and she'd done so on purpose. Of course she was paying for her own meal. She wouldn't be surprised if she got paid more than John did.

Her military commander had looked a bit pale, even though his cheeks had been flushed from the exercise. Elizabeth guessed the paleness of his face was due to a lack of sunlight, which was all the more reason to spend some time on the surface. She knew that John was used to military bases, but she also knew that he was a pilot by heart – and it seemed almost cruel to keep a pilot locked up underground. A pilot needed to breathe in fresh air, be able to look at the sky. She knew there was a reason why John could often be found on balconies on Atlantis.

It would be nice to see John out in the open again, Elizabeth mused, as she reached her quarters. She also suspected the chances of seeing John smile were higher outside the base. She knew he had been thrust into a leadership position against his will, but he'd grown used to being in charge on Atlantis. Being around superiors seemed to unnerve him, and understandably so.

She opened the door to her quarters and stepped inside. A change of clothes wasn't necessary, but she would need her jacket later tonight, and she needed to grab her bag as well.

She checked whether her purse was in her bag, and sat on her bed for a moment. Feeling restless, she decided to go to her car. She was going to have to wait for John no matter what, and she'd rather do that sitting in her car than in an underground chamber.

oOo

Elizabeth didn't meet anyone she knew on her way to the elevator, and for that she was grateful. For a moment, she'd imagined running into Rodney. She liked the scientist, but it would have been downright disappointing to have him come along again. The urge to be alone with John should frighten her; yet it didn't.

She had given up on lying to herself. She could sound convincing in negotiations, and her words sounded believable to her own ears most of the time, but convincing herself of something she didn't believe in was a lost cause. She usually saw right through her own lame attempts at reasoning.

She liked John and she liked interacting with him. There was never wrong with that. They were both human beings, and human beings needed social contact.

With that thought in mind, Elizabeth stepped out of the elevator. She had to identify herself three times before she was allowed to leave the base. Considering the great amount of alien entities that had taken over the SGC in the past, the standard procedure was understandable. Considering Elizabeth's need to get outside, the standard procedure was annoying as hell.

Annoying as hell. Those three words sounded awfully familiar… She thought she'd never used the phrase before coming to Atlantis – not even in her thoughts – but she couldn't be sure.

oOo

It did not take long for her military commander to join her. She'd barely sat in her car for ten minutes when John appeared in her rear-view mirror. Smiling, Elizabeth moved over to the passenger seat. She enjoyed riding shotgun with John behind the wheel – or the controls. John's driving capabilities never ceased to amaze her.

John's hair stuck out in every possible direction, instead of being plastered to his head like wet hair ought to be. The dark locks appeared to be as stubborn as the man underneath them. Elizabeth decided his hair suited him. Of course, she'd known for almost a year now that she liked John's hair a lot. It seemed she was developing a preference for short hair. Simon's hair had grown over the past year, and she hadn't liked it one bit.

"Are you ready for some food worth eating?" John asked, as he started the engine and slowly pulled out of the parking lot. He seemed perfectly at ease behind the wheel, and Elizabeth allowed herself to sink back in her seat.

"Certainly," she replied. She spared a look sideways and frowned as a water droplet slowly made its way down John's neck. He hadn't towelled his hair; that just figured. She wondered if he ever spent any attention on his hair.

The droplet slid lower and Elizabeth stared at it, completely mesmerized. When it was about to disappear underneath John's shirt, she reached out without thinking and swept it away.

John didn't crash the car into the vehicle in front of him. Apparently, his reflexes were less amazing than hers. Or he just had a way of controlling them better.

Elizabeth quickly wiped her hand off on her pants and was happy to note that the Major hadn't taken his attention off the road. He truly was a capable driver.

Elizabeth studied John out of the corner of her eye. He was smiling and she fought the urge to smack him in the head. She'd never considered smacking someone in the head, what was wrong with her these days? Maybe John was rubbing off on her, what with his habit of playfully smacking Rodney every now and then.

"John, do you trust me?" she found herself asking. The question came out of nowhere, but apparently, she'd been dwelling on it subconsciously, because she didn't even flinch at speaking it out loud.

John frowned. "You know the answer to that."

Elizabeth regarded him silently for a while. "I thought I did," she said softly. "But now I find myself wondering whether you actually trust me. I know you've come to trust my decisions – mostly," - because the nanite-incident had shown that he preferred to rely on his own instincts - "but do you trust me as a person?"

John took a deep breath. "You do know you're essentially switching the tables, right? Last night, I asked you the same thing."

Elizabeth nodded. Maybe that was the reason why she'd been dwelling on the question. "But if you want me to trust you, I need to know if you can trust me."

"This is ridiculous. We know we trust each other."

"Enough to talk about our feelings?" Elizabeth asked. She'd come to realize that she depended on her CO when it came to work, but did she trust him with her secrets and fears as well? Last night, she hadn't felt the need to expose her most private thoughts to him. What did that say about the two of them?

They passed a nice-looking restaurant, but John drove past it. Apparently, he found this situation just as important as she did.

"I'm not much of a talker," he finally said.

Elizabeth leaned forward in her seat. "I already know that. But if it came down to it, would you talk to me?"

"Why would it come down to anything?" John asked dismissively.

She wasn't exactly sure. "Well, last night you tried to get me to talk to yo-"

"I thought you weren't coping," John interrupted her. He looked in the rear-view mirror, and turned left smoothly. "I thought I'd give you an opportunity to talk. It doesn't necessarily have to be me on the receiving end."

Elizabeth closed her mouth shut. "It doesn't mean anything to you, then?" she asked, after a while.

"I didn't say that."

Elizabeth couldn't believe it. She'd obviously misunderstood John's intentions, and it's wasn't necessarily wrong to be wrong… but it hurt. It hurt her to know that he hadn't wanted her to talk to him specifically.

"I guess there's no purpose in continuing this conversation then," she said. She turned her head to look out the window, and purposely avoided looking at John.

When it came down to it… What could it come down to? What had she meant by that? No wonder John thought she wasn't coping. She didn't even understand her own thoughts these days.

When would they have to be completely honest with each other?

When it came to work, of course - and when it came to depending on one another.

With a start, Elizabeth realized something, something she'd not dared think about until now, something she'd been careful not to think about until this very moment.

She wanted… no, she needed to be able to depend on John. She wanted to be with John, and to depend on him. The last couple of days specifically had taught her she felt better in his presence. The thought that he might be forced to remain on Earth scared her more than it should.

She wanted to be near John, near her Head of Military. She didn't just want to be with John; she needed to be with John.

Be with him in every possible way.

Now that I know what I'm without,
You can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real.
Bring me to life.

TBC…