Elena's POV

The most absurd thing is happening. Time is running fast and slow, at the same time. I can see everything, but register nothing at all. My mind is blank, numb. It seems like my senses work properly, but my brain isn't able to receive the electric impulses that offer images, smells or consciousness. Shock – that's what's happening to me.

I remember Caroline giving me two more blood bags. I remember the sight of them and the fulfilling emotion human blood gave me as it run through my veins – better than any orgasm I've ever had. I vaguely remember Damon telling Caroline to stop feeding me. I remember throwing him a hateful look, while veins pumped blood right beneath my once human eyes – Damon telling me that if I wanted to see Jeremy and Bonnie anytime soon I needed to calm down, even if for a while. I remember him sitting next to me, whispering soothing words just so that I could gain some self control; Caroline giving me a clean t-shirt and whipping my face from blood before going upstairs to bring my brother to me.

Now, Jeremy is watching my every move as if I'm a ticking bomb, but with a relieved smile on his face. The kind of face that says: Now that I made sure you live, I have to make sure you don't eat me. He's on the floor, back resting on the armchair Damon was sitting in seconds before. I am placed between Caroline and Bonnie, both hugging and kissing me. I can't feel much – in fact, I can't feel anything. I see them all here, around me and I don't feel gratitude or compassion. All I know is that I can smell Bonnie's blood. That's all I'm capable of – smelling blood. I know Damon is downstairs feeding and I fight the strong urge to join him.

Stefan's not here. I don't know where he is, but I don't feel like being with him either. Maybe I've shut off my emotions, without even realizing I did it. I thought it would all be very powerful and overtaking, but there's nothing.

I push Bonnie away gently the moment her smell in my nostrils becomes too much to handle and I feel fangs appear. Before I know it, Caroline has her in the kitchen and Jeremy is on his feet, face tense.

Caroline is back, holding my face in her hands. "Are you hungry again?" her voice is small, understanding. Her eyes show nothing but love, compassion, caring.

I'm not hungry. I know I'm not. I've drank three blood bags already. It was just instinct – wanting to take my best friend's blood was just an instinct. I shudder and hug Caroline tightly.

"Oh my God, Caroline. Oh my God! I wanted to kill her. I'm a monster!"I shriek.

Tears I can't control start streaming down my face before feeling Damon's strong hands encircle my waist and his eyes demand my attention. He stares at me, his serious look enough to stop me from shouting nonsense and crying uncontrollably. He takes in a deep breath and I do the same, only to find out I don't really need air anymore.

"Listen to me." I'm all ears. "You didn't try to kill anyone. The vampire in you wanted to feed, you get that?"

"I'm not even hungry." I claim, panic in my voice again. How the hell am I going to control feeling like this, all the time?

To that, he gives me an incredulous look – one of the many he owns. "Of course you're hungry. You thought three blood bags would do the trick?" he glances at Caroline who immediately leaves. Can they read each other's thoughts now? "Elena, you have just transitioned. Blood is your body's number one priority right now."

He lets go of my shoulders and takes a few steps backwards. He gives me a small smirk. "I am proud of you."

Did he just say proud? I thought my sense of hearing would be heightened, but there is no way I got this right. "Proud?"

Jeremy chuckles behind me, probably because of my voice. I believe it's something between amazement, shock and one step away from shouting and yelling and screaming.

"The vampire in you wanted to feed and you, Elena, you pushed your friend away so you couldn't hurt her; A half an hour old vampire controlling its primal, vital, strongest instinct." His smirk turns into a genuine smile and when I turn around I see Jeremy mirrors Damon's face perfectly. "Are you sure you're not trying really hard to master self control, so I can get the hell out of town?"

He intends his last comment to be a joke, but I can sense a slight hint of hurt in his voice. His smirk is gone completely the moment Caroline storms in, another blood bag in her hands. "Here's a small reward for not feeding on your best friend."

The blood bag is dried before anyone blinks. I sit on Damon's armchair and keep my eyes closed until I'm confident the fangs are in place and my eyes have turned somewhat normal. I hear Bonnie step in and from the tone of her voice I can tell she doesn't hate me yet.

"You can all sit on the couch there." I order and point at the other side of the room. Bonnie nests her face in Caroline's neck and I can finally understand what a heroine Caroline has been from the moment she turned. Only now I can fully grasp the concept of hunger and admire her for resisting it so skillfully in such a short time. Damon's gone again and I try to catch any sound coming out of Stefan's room; once again, nothing.

"I thought I would be able to hear and see and feel everything." I say, somehow pissed. This numbness inside me is starting to piss me off.

Caroline gives me a half-hearted smile. "You are able. You just need to concentrate – try and let go of the hunger for a while."

That's not possible. It's there, it's been there from the moment the first drop of blood touched my tongue. Half an hour later and I can't imagine a time in the distant future when I won't be hungry, constantly.

I'm about to tell Caroline that letting go of the hunger will be an issue, when Jeremy's eyes turn wary. "Elena, promise me that whatever happens you won't shut off your emotions."

I know he's thinking about the option because he wanted to be a vampire once for this exact reason. Everything he'd been through – all the pain, all the loss and the tears – he would have been able to make them disappear, if only his plans in dying had succeeded. The memory of the pain and relief I felt when Stefan told me Jeremy wasn't dead, a year ago, comes crashing in now. My brother thinks I'll follow the easy way but I know for sure there is no easy way. There's the right way and the wrong way. And I plan to do this right.

"I will never, Jer." I reassure. "I'll take care of you. I promise I won't let you down."

He nods at my words and I try to do the impossible – I try to let go of my hunger and concentrate on getting my senses back. I close my eyes and focus my attention in trying to hear what's going on upstairs. I slowly catch Bonnie and Jeremy's breathing, their heartbeats, their blood rush. I catch two other heartbeats, that don't belong to any mortals. They're slow, almost bored. They belong to them. I hear a pair of footsteps pacing around a room, probably Damon's considering the position of the house they come from, and then, finally, I hear their voices.

I open my eyes, now able to take everything in without trying hard and glance at Caroline, in front of me, who is listening as well. We lock eyes and wait.

Damon's POV

I head upstairs the moment I make sure Elena is calm and capable of suppressing her needs, at least for a while. I know that if anything goes wrong, Caroline will be able to hold things off so I can storm down and take matters in my hands. I need to be firm and prepared for everything. I need to be serious about this and, for once in my life, not fail her. And I know I won't be able until I say what I have to say to Stefan.

I enter the room and see him sitting on the edge of my bed, face hiding in his hands, completely silent and still. I close the door behind me and lean against it. I see my brother's body stiffen even more – though I didn't think it was possible – and finally look up. His eyes are holding so much and I instantly know he's suffering a great deal of pain. Good.

"I know you're furious." He whispers matter of factly. "I know you want to kill me."

I let a chuckle escape my throat and glue my back on the door, so I don't lose it and give him the satisfaction of killing him. "Nah, I'm not furious Stefan." I make it sound like we're having some light argument about a movie. "I'm just trying to figure out what was going on inside that stupid little head of yours when you let your girlfriend die."

He stares at me, scared, for the first time in a very long time. He has every right to be. My voice drips danger, anger, and desire to stake him. "I don't know." he breaths slowly. "I honestly, do not know."

"This only leaves me wondering whether I should be civilized about the matter or I should deal with it like the monster you all know and hate." The smirk that takes place in my face pains my muscles and I can't help myself. I unglue my back from the door and take one dangerous, small step forwards. Stefan does nothing. He stands there, completely aware that he deserves whatever's coming for him. "Your girlfriend, you know, the one you practically murdered, taught me how to be the better man. Stake you. Yes, that is what the civilized, better man would do."

I start pacing around, mostly talking to myself aloud; considering my options, trying to arrange my thoughts. Stefan's eyes don't leave my pacing figure once. He keeps his eyes fixated on me, trying to predict my moment of explosion.

"But, then again, she's your girlfriend. Not mine." The words that come out of my mouth find their way back on my chest, like deadly arrows. They hurt. "I don't have to obey her. I am more than free to be a monster. Do you know what the monster inside me wants, Stefan?"

He doesn't say a world. He seems as if he's in a trance, following my every movement like the snake that dances for its magician. "The monster wants to plant vervain inside your stomach, take every sun ray and shove it up your ass and stake every centimeter of your body except from your heart, so I have the chance to torture you every day for the rest of eternity."

"You think I don't want that?"

"I am so very proud to say I have no idea what you want or what you think. Damn, I thought I had a sick mind and selfish temperament but you, brother…you took this to a whole, new level."

My pace speeds up along with my rage – the rage I'm fighting so hard to keep down.

"What was I supposed to do Damon? Let Matt die!" he shouts and steps forward. He's mostly screaming to himself, giving his pained consciousness excuses so he doesn't feel worse than he already does. I don't care though – all I want is for him to react so I actually have fun when I kick his ass.

"Don't you dare shout at me, Stefan! Don't you dare ask what I would have done." I yell back at his face and he falls back on the bed, limbs shaking. I know there will be no stopping now that I let out the first sparkle of angler I've been feeling. "I would have saved her. I would have taken them both out. Why didn't you get them both out?" I almost scream.

"I wasn't strong enough." He cries. His face is buried in his hands again, his shoulders shaking. "I haven't been drinking human blood."

I roll my eyes so hard my skull hurts. "On or off human blood, all you do is fucking destroy everything. Drinking it, you wanted to throw her off the bridge. Not drinking it, you let her drown. What is wrong with you?"

I'm shouting and I can't believe Elena hasn't stormed in, trying to save her precious Stefan, yet. She's most definitely listening to everything we're saying. Our voices are loud enough to be heard by human ears too.

"I don't know, Damon. I just…I didn't want her to hate me afterwards."

"You…" I mutter as I approach him furiously, while all I see is red. "You, selfish fucker!"

I give my brother a shove strong enough to land him across the room, on the wall. I feel I need air, weirdly enough, so I just breathe in heavily. "You should have thought about that before falling for her."

He lets his body hit the floor and stay there, as if paralyzed.

"It's funny, I didn't even blame you when she called to tell me 'it's always going to be Stefan'." He gives me an incredulous look from the ground. "Yeah, she did, don't act so surprised."

I turn my back at him and head at the door, panting and fighting myself for control. "How could I blame you, when the entire fault was mine?" I keep talking so I don't have to act my anger on him. "I did this to myself. She could have been mine – no sweat. But I was too busy chasing after Katherine, so I handed you Elena on a silver platter. I honestly thought you deserved her – her pureness, her gentleness, her kindness. I acted selflessly again and again and again only to have you let her die."

Tears – freaking tears. This whole emotional thing is getting ridiculous. I turn around, ready to find something pointy and wooden and stake him.

"Damon…" Stefan warns, on his feet. "Trust me, I have no specific desire to be alive right now, but killing me won't do her any good."

"Trust you?" I ask tilting my head to the side and letting vampirism appear on my face. "One summer you were gone Stefan and I kept her as safe as it gets. Now, she's a vampire. Excuse me, if I can't find it in myself to trust you anymore."

With this I rush to him in inhuman speed and pin him against the wall, my grip tight on his neck. He doesn't fight me off and I growl and howl and fight with the small voice in my head telling me not to kill my brother. But, another small voice does the trick far better.

"Enough!"

She's not screaming; she's not even trying to break my hold on him. All I know is that she's standing in the middle of my room, eyes wide, face expressionless. Caroline is one step closer, ready to take part in the fight if necessary. I relax my grip but keep my eyes focused on Stefan's. Neither one of us dares to look at her or leave each other's eyes.

"You are a poor excuse of a man Stefan." I almost spit on his face. "And yes, you should have let him die. You should have chosen Elena."

I let him go completely and look at my feet. Now she'll hate me. Now she'll completely and totally hate me. Fuck.

"Get out of my room, please. All of you."

I see Elena take Stefan's hand and lead him through the door. "Come on, we all need to get some rest. Go wait for me in your room."

They all leave except from her. She watches me with her arms folded across her chest and I decide my shoes are a good enough spot to concentrate my anger right now.

"Can I have another blood bag before leaving? I don't want to be craving any once we're home with Jeremy."

"You're not leaving. Both of you can stay here, so you don't have to worry about your little problem. And yes, you can have another one."

She doesn't object at my offer, apparently terrified at the idea of being alone with a very eatable Jeremy.

"Come with me downstairs?"

"Sure. "

I don't know why she's talking to me after what I said for Matt, but she is and I'm not going to ruin this. It's probably because I'm the only person she can depend on helping her get through this. I follow her downstairs, but not before she shoots a look at Stefan's closed bedroom door.

"I feel grateful that he found the strength to do what he did. I feel thankful that he saved Matt."

I growl and look forward to go hunting – real hunting. "Elena Gilbert, always the martyr."

"Will you forgive him someday?"

I look at her face and have the decency to lie so she doesn't get hurt. I do for her what she didn't do for me when I most needed it – lie and tell me that I deserve her love as much as Stefan does.

"Eventually, I will; only because you're fine."

"Your concept of fine is absurd, but ok, I'll take it."

"It's just a tiny little problem, Elena. You've been through worse."

The first hint of a real laugh appears on her face and I can't help but feel smug that I've always been the one to put a smile on both her human and vampire existence. We pass the parlor, where Caroline is filling Bonnie and Jeremy in and head downstairs to have a drink together.

My senses are heightened along with hers. I see her walk in front of me and I know I love her all the more – irrevocably; foolishly.

This will be one hell of a ride.

I honestly don't know if this is good enough. I just didn't want to postpone this any longer and since I'm heading to Greece tomorrow, this was my only chance. Maybe some of you will think that Damon's reaction to what Stefan did was a bit too harsh, but I honestly believe he will be REALLY pissed at him. (I also think they will get through it, together, so don't be too mad.) Irrelevant spoiler: next chapter, Elena remembers. :) And then, the fun truly begins. Thank you for reading my humble words. If you want to add anything, criticize, tell me how much I suck at this (:P) don't hesitate to review. Yours, S.