Careless

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. belong to Paramount.

Chapter 4--Chakotay

For about the thousandth time, Chakotay wondered why he was doing this. He stood uncertainly on the front porch steps of the Janeway house in Indiana, clutching his jacket tighter as the brisk wind danced around him and nervously shifting from foot to foot. His hand had strayed from his side to the old-fashioned door knocker at least a dozen times but had never completed the journey. He wanted to kick himself. When had he become such a coward?

Probably at the same moment he had become such a jerk. It figured. Once you turned from who you really were, everything else in you tended to crumble.

A sudden gust of wind tore across the yard and nearly pinned him to the door frame, causing him to knock without meaning to. He caught his balance, startled, and had barely managed to compose his features when the door swung open, revealing a petite older woman who reminded him instantly of Kathryn. The same sparkling blue eyes, the same half-defiant set to her chin, the same crooked smile that suffused her entire face.

"Mrs. Janeway?" he said tentatively. "We met at Voyager's welcome home party. I'm-" His words were cut short as she reached forward and pulled him into a fierce and unexpected hug. Before he even realized it, he was already in the front hall, and Gretchen Janeway had his coat in her hand, hanging it from an antique coat hanger that was nestled into a corner.

"Of course I remember you, Captain," she said warmly as she led him down a short hallway into the kitchen.

"Look, Mrs. Janeway—"

"Please call me Gretchen, " she interrupted firmly.

"Yes, of course, thank you, Gretchen. I…I apologize for just stopping by without calling first. I-" She stopped him with a light hand on his chest, and at the familiarity of the gesture, he felt his stomach drop through to his boots.

"You are always welcome in this house, Captain. You're family to me, and family never needs to call."

"I—thank you. That means more to me than I can express," he managed, trying to keep his voice strong. "And please, call me Chakotay."

"I know what you did for Katie out there in the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay." Gretchen's voice was quiet. "You were her saving grace." He winced and made a conscious effort not to drop his gaze.

"And she was mine," he said softly. He felt sudden hot tears rushing to his eyes and tried to blink them away. But he knew that Gretchen had seen him falter.

"Sit down, Chakotay," she said, motioning towards the kitchen table. "We need to talk about this." So he sat, and her husky voice reminded him so much of Kathryn's that he would hardly have been surprised if her next words had been, "We need to define some parameters. About us." The thought made him almost grin and almost throw up at the same time.

"Here. Have a caramel brownie. They're Katie's favorite," Gretchen said, pushing a small plate in his direction.

"I—" he began to demur but then obediently took one as he realized that her words had been an order, not an offer. Gretchen Janeway might not have been Starfleet, but she had a definite command presence.

Chakotay chewed the brownie slowly, his eyes transfixed by the complex swirls and grooves of the natural wood table. He knew Gretchen was focused on him; he knew too that, just like her daughter, she was instinctive enough, and patient enough, to let him speak in his own time. Finally, when he had run out of excuses, he met her calm gaze.

"I've messed everything up, Gretchen. I've destroyed any chance that Kathryn and I could find happiness together," he said flatly. She studied him for a long moment then nodded thoughtfully.

"She is upset." Her words were careful, and, in Chakotay's mind, a hyperbolic understatement. He knew Kathryn well enough to know that she would have transcended the category of "upset" in the first millisecond that she saw Seven walk up to him at the party.

"I broke my promise," he said.

"What promise was that, Chakotay?"

"The promise I made to wait for her." He could barely squeeze the words out through the lump in his throat.

"Chakotay," Gretchen said, her eyes piercing, "I can't imagine Katie asking you to make a promise like that, especially when no one knew how long you would be stranded out in the Delta Quadrant."

He turned his head, frustration mutilating his normally placid features.

"It wasn't a promise she asked me to make, Gretchen," he spat angrily. "It was one I made to myself."

"Chakotay-"

"How can I trust myself after that?" Gretchen's hands were on his, squeezing gently.

"Was Seven of Nine the only woman you were romantically involved with on Voyager?" Her voice was quiet but the echoes of its implications thundered in Chakotay's ears.

"No," he whispered finally. "She wasn't. I had a couple of other…flings. I wouldn't really call them relationships."

"Why not?"

"Because my heart has belonged to Kathryn Janeway since I destroyed my ship to save hers!" The words were half-yelled, and Chakotay sprang up from his chair and began pacing the length of the kitchen.

"And what about Kathryn?"

Chakotay stared at Gretchen blankly.

"Did she have any 'flings' during your years on Voyager?" Her tone was penetrating, and Chakotay looked down.

"Yes," he answered in barely a whisper.

"And?"

"They were about as meaningful as mine. It was just about getting through another lonely day in the Delta Quadrant."

"And therein lies the problem."

"What do you mean?"

"I know my daughter, Chakotay. I've seen the way she handles the challenges in her life, especially if she feels she's to blame. And stranding Voyager seventy thousand light years from home rates number one on her list."

"Yes, but-"

"No, listen to me, Chakotay," Gretchen said firmly. "Did she tell you how she felt about you? Ever?"

"Well, not in so many words, but-"

"Did she ever once admit that she loved you?" Chakotay sat back down at the kitchen table, gripping the edge in frustration.

"Aloud, no. But she didn't need to, Gretchen. It was in everything about her."

"So she never told you."

Chakotay sighed. "No."

"And did you ever tell her about your feelings?"

His shoulders slumped. "Yes, once. When we were stuck on a planet together."

"New Earth," Gretchen said softly, and Chakotay's eyebrows shot upwards.

"She told you about it?" he said disbelievingly.

"Well, not in so many words, but…Her entire being softens when she recalls that time with you. It's like I'm suddenly seeing a different person. The Katie that might have been." Gretchen's words caused his chest to ache. "But she's fought all of her life to be someone else."

Chakotay nodded in mute understanding. He had seen the way Kathryn tried to balance who she was with who she thought she had to be, eventually being swallowed up in the all-consuming persona of Captain Janeway.

"Chakotay, if you don't mind telling me, what did she say when you told her how you felt?" Gretchen was leaning towards him now, her eyes intent on his face, capturing every nuance of his expressions.

Chakotay ducked his head for a minute then came up with a rueful smile. "Well, the first thing she said was, 'We need to define some parameters. About us.' And then-" Gretchen buried her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking slightly. Chakotay tentatively reached out a hand and touched her shoulder, perplexed by her reaction.

And then Gretchen lifted her face, and he saw that she was laughing. Despite himself, he started to laugh with her.

"Only my daughter would say that." She shook her head disparagingly, and Chakotay grinned. "I probably don't want to know, but what happened after that?" The smile slid from Chakotay's face, and he clasped his hands on the table in front of him, trying to channel the raging emotions into something he could express.

"I told her…" He struggled to adequately convey all that the ancient legend had meant to him. Then he knew. "I told her she had brought me the peace I could never find in my life." He choked on the last words and felt hot tears start to slip down his cheeks. "And then I walked away from her."

"If things had turned out differently…if Voyager had remained in the Delta Quadrant…what do you think would have happened between you and Seven?" Gretchen asked carefully.

Chakotay sighed. "I don't know. Probably not much. It was already wearing on me after the first few dates. I don't think I could have gone on much longer."

"It was merely chance that you and Seven happened to be together when Voyager finally arrived home," she mused. Chakotay nodded, his shoulders slumped.

"Bad timing," Gretchen remarked.

"Yes," he agreed in a whisper.

"Why are you here, Chakotay?" her words were firm yet kind, and the abrupt question jarred him.

"I wasn't sure where to find her. Starfleet Headquarters told me she had taken a leave. I thought she might be here with you." His eyes were pleading, but Gretchen shook her head.

"To be truthful, I didn't even know she was on leave," Gretchen murmured, worry flickering in the depths of her blue eyes.

"I haven't spoken to her since the night of the homecoming celebration. I don't know what happened that night. I don't know why she…"

"Maybe she finally realized that it was okay to love you and to show it. That you were home, and she could stop punishing herself," Gretchen said. "I think when she saw that you were alone at the party, she thought that maybe things were over between you and Seven. But then…" He turned his head away sharply but couldn't dispel the mental image of Seven walking up to them. Of the biting pain in Kathryn's eyes.

"I never meant to hurt her."

"I know."

Chakotay sat silently for a moment, immersed in his own tortured thoughts.

"What is it?" Gretchen asked softly.

"She gave me her heart, and I—I…" He stopped, unable to even verbalize the rest of the sentence. Gretchen reached out and took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her.

"It's not about always being right the first time. It's about going back and fixing your mistakes." She looked steadily at him as he struggled with his emotions and finally drew a deep, shaky breath.

"I'll give you her address. She has an apartment in San Francisco near Starfleet Headquarters. I was hoping she'd buy a house and settle down, but…"

"Do you think she'll want to see me?" he whispered, the question like a stab in the heart camouflaged by the hope of butterfly wings.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes, Gretchen?"

"I hope you don't take offense to this, but what are you still doing here talking to me?" Her eyes were dancing, and a familiar half-grin was easing its way across her face. Caught by her impeccable logic, Chakotay had to laugh—and stop stalling. He pulled his large frame from the kitchen chair where he had been sitting.

"May I be excused, ma'am?" he asked, his dimples flashing.

"Dismissed," Gretchen said, in true Janeway fashion.

To be continued…