Part VII

-o-

She had trouble breathing. She had trouble concentrating. Everything seemed to happen outside herself, outside her control. Her body acted without permission, her mouth moved and words popped out before she had thought about what she wanted to say. She was sure that on the outside she seemed normal and impeccable; inside she was chaos however. Everything was in disorder and felt like a horrible wreck.

Sharon felt disconnected.

They were sitting across from each other – trying very hard to look anywhere but at each other. It was nearly impossible; their eyes would connect every now and then. She did not understand the look in the depths of his eyes; only she knew it was better to quickly avert her eyes again.

Her lungs felt heavy and small; two taut leaden organs that were hell-bent on making it hard to breathe without a constant reminder of the tension inside her. Her heart felt flimsy, flittering in a pattern that did not really suit her. Her mind – oh god – her mind was going in an endless circle of replaying events in vivid images to trying to repress it. It was too crowded, she felt almost claustrophobic in the presence of others; would they be able to tell she was thinking about his fingers inside her? Would they be able to interpret that the way her eyes kept returning to his and then quickly away was indicative of something deeper than a mere friendly look. Could they tell she was on the verge of breaking down?

She initiated a conversation with Sanchez beside her; thankful when Provenza and Tao came back with provisions. They were celebrating their latest case; she had invited them out. The bar seemed cozy and full of happy voices; only the lights were so different from the harsh vivid lightning at work. It was dampened, a more warm yellow than a bright white. In this lightning, she surmised, she had trouble pretending to ignore him especially when he was opposite her, so close she could reach across and touch him if she wanted. Of course she could not do that; with the rest of the team happily sitting around the table with them but he was still closer than she felt comfortable with.

It was still awkward between her and her lieutenant; but mostly it was something that hung between them, tensile and forceful. Tempting and so wrong – it encompassed her whole being; slipped under her skin and resided in her without permission. She felt ready to burst, to explode; it was like dark pressure steadily rising within her. She needed to alleviate it; only she knew she could not. Three times would make it even more awkward, she reasoned. Fucking one more time would not help; it would only make it worse.

He seemed just as tense and taut. But somehow they managed to be almost civil towards each other now. As long as they did not hold a too long conversation, it worked. Why, short monotone words worked just fine. Yes, it was dismal weather outside. Yes, Rusty was doing fine. Yes, the suspect was in the interview room. Yes, she would like takeout with the rest of the team.

It seemed more neutral now. Maybe a little bit too forced and politely neutral but it did not matter. As long as it seemed nothing was wrong between them and as long as the team no longer wondered about the falling out, it was fine. She could do politely neutral; if she forced herself.

He was sipping his soda with cranberry, long fingers around the glass. She tried not to look at his hands too much. But her gaze kept coming back to his long fingers, her body tingling. Again she was struck by a feeling of being disconnected.

She gave him a small hesitant smile when they all cheered together. His mouth turned just a slight bit crooked in an answering smile as well. Maybe they would be alright. Eventually. She hoped so.

The rest of the evening was pleasant; she enjoyed the company of her quirky team. She even made them laugh with grueling stories from FID; she had quite a few. It seemed content on the outside; normal. She was thankful they managed to behave; that they were able to function almost like nothing had ever happened between them.

However, he confronted her when she came out of the restroom later on. He leaned against the wall, arms crossed and one ankle over the other. His eyes were obscure in the darkly lit narrow hallway.

She had not expected him to be here. She stopped in her stride, surprised. He was not supposed to corner her like this; he was not supposed to be in her space when there was no one to keep an eye on them. This was too dangerous, she thought, trying to quell her anticipation.

"Lieutenant!" she greeted him, her voice sounded shaky and breathless. She felt upset she could not master her own voice; why her voice probably sounded sultry to his ears now. She wanted to sound solid, not unstable.

He tilted his head; he was filling the hallway with his tall figure. She would have to edge past him, edge too closely past him if she wanted to get back to her drink and their table. She stood rooted to her spot, wondering if she could sneak back into the restroom and only come out again when he had left. It was absurd.

"Captain," he acknowledged, his voice sounded strange, low and throaty. His eyes were still in the shadows but his mouth quirked upwards, "Fancy meeting you here." The tone was anything but subtle, anything but casual.

She rolled her eyes – was he going to seduce her right here! She found it both preposterous and captivating. Why did he step across every boundary she set up? Could he not see she was in too deep; she needed someone to rescue her not drag her further down.

But her eyes were fastened on him; however much she wanted him to be gone. God, he had taken off his suit jacket, rolled up his shirt sleeves. She watched his forearms feeling mesmerized by the sight of him.

"This is not working," he then said and the words threw her off guard; into a shuddering pool of anxiety. His voice sounded determined, resolute. It did not bode well for her; he could talk her into anything now. She was undecided about everything; the tension inside her would guide her. Why, if he stepped into her space and touched her she would not complain. She felt coiled in a too tense feeling; something was residing in her chest cavity ready to climb out between her ribs any moment now. It was like being on the edge of a cliff; she really wanted to jump but was afraid of falling and crashing.

"What is not working?" she croaked and watched petrified as he glided away from the wall and came to stand in front of her, so close she could feel his warmth and smell his scent. She imagined he was almost pulsing with warmth, ready to envelope her into his embrace and overthrow any objections she might have.

She tilted her head back to look at him but it only made it easier for him to lean down and kiss her. Soft but forcefully pulling her into his arms, his lips against hers with something that reminded her of blissful agony.

God, she melted on the spot; felt tension leaving her body in a rush – leaving behind roaring desire in its aftermath. It felt like jumping and getting caught in secure arms. She felt like melting into him, their skin molding to fit each other. It felt like being simultaneously devoured and cherished; lazy lips dancing slowly together in one moment and in the next it felt like battle of swallowing each other.

It surged through her whole body almost spine-chilling in its force, its stronghold on her feeling both darkly captivating and dizzying. It gripped her and all her thoughts dangled out of reach, her body arched and came alive within a breath.

Her hand came to rest on his neck, just behind his ear, a thumb on his cheek as she pulled him closer to her. There was still too much space between them, too much clothes. She merely wanted to absorb him, wanted to percolate into his skin and linger in every crevice. She wanted him to strip her of everything, demand she stop with all her second guessing and just let herself drown in the moment, in the sensations. She wanted to relinquish control and just let him wash over her, flood her till she felt nothing but content.

He was right. Ignoring each other and pretending nothing had happened between them; it was not working. God, denying there existed something between was ludicrous. It had obviously left her in a mind numbing state; otherwise she would not fall apart this quickly, this intensely at a mere kiss. They would crash if they kept continuing to deny it, she acknowledged, running a hand down his sides, coming around his hips.

There was something that flickered between them; sparks of electricity that spoke of something beyond her comprehension – beyond her control. It felt passionate but still wrong. It was burning her; searing and excruciating. But it kept the tension away; she felt light.

She nuzzled his lips, spoke softly, almost a whisper; "You're right. This is not working"

She half-smiled as she drew his mouth into another kiss, wondering how long it would before they would be panting and moaning. She was close to whimpering; his hands grasping her hips, coming around and grasping her ass, tugging her closer and closer till they settled against each other. She could feel the bulge of his erection against her stomach; it made her quiver.

"This is too public," he whispered into her neck, his breath tickling and his lips warm as they latched onto her pulse point. He drew her flesh into his mouth and suckled; she gripped his shoulders. He was right. This was beyond insanity. The rest of the team was a mere twenty feet away, on the other side of the closed door; they would wonder if they both disappeared for too long. Anyone could enter the hallway on their way to the restroom and find them enveloped in each other. This was reckless.

She nodded, breathless as his tongue traced slowly downwards her throat; he wouldn't be able to see her nod so she whispered a gasping "Yes," not sure what it meant; yes it was too public or yes continue licking me?

His hands were inching down her ass, on their way under her dress. This would spiral out of control if they weren't careful. But oh god she wanted his hands exactly on the destined route they were intending to go.

"Andy?" she sighed into his hair, his mouth still on her neck, "Andy – we need to stop."

His teeth were on her collarbone now, hands starting to bunch up her dress. She wanted to unbuckle him and let him enter her, wanted to feel his fingers inside her before being replaced by his cock. Her body felt trapped in a humid force; she felt restrained and agitated. Ready to combust into pleas and moans any moment now; if she went over she would not be able to stop this before it became too much. They could not have sex here; it was beyond stupidity and recklessness.

Her hands gripped his wrists and stopped them from deteriorating this situation further. He straightened and she caught the dark look of desire in his eyes.

"Not here," she told him still holding unto his wrists, feeling the strain of muscles in his arms. She half expected him to lean forward and kiss her, push her backwards to the closed door to the restroom. If he did she would not protest, she knew. She half wanted him to ignore her and simply guide the both of them into that little toilet. They could lock the door and give in.

He gave a wolfish grin; the one that fluttered her heart and flamed her core into intense arousal – the one that made her almost melt into a puddle of burned flesh. She thought he would turn his wrists free and pull her into the restroom surely, only he surprised her.

"My place," he said as he leaned forward and slanted his lips across hers, a brief kiss.

She nodded.

His grin widened. She couldn't help smiling back at him. Shit, this was absurd. This was beyond something that happened by coincidence; no more two little mistakes. This was on the way to something more, she realized. Nausea gripped her, coiling in her stomach in anticipation. She felt fluttery and half panicky.

She smoothed her dress to the appropriate length again, and smiled when he smoothed her hair into place, his fingers pushing unruly strands back into order. She placed another brief kiss to his lips – stepped towards the door into the bar.

He lingered and she walked out to their table. He joined them a minute later. Everything seemed normal; they joined their squad, joking and chatting with the others. They left separately when the others left. He texted the address, he did not need to she just followed the taillights of his car.

Her senses must have abandoned her, she reflected in her car. Common sense going down a drain; being swept aside by something she was not really ready to examine. It did not matter; she just wanted the sensation of his naked skin against hers. It was senseless to deny themselves; it did not work. It only made their relationship more strained.

They could keep it a secret, she mused.

Maybe it would less of a mess then.

-o-