Another chapter - I hope you enjoy reading it and, as always, any feedback would be greatly appreciated...
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Fifth consultation with Timothy Speedle - Initial hypnotherapy session.
Tim improving medically. Has remained afebrile over previous 24 hours with intravenous antibiotic treatment continuing. Aim for switch to oral antibiotics tomorrow and potential discharge home with support. Pain being well managed with paracetamol and occasional codeine.
Tim states he had a better night sleep last night and feeling rested today. Good success with relaxation breathing technique and alprazolam 0.5mg. Continues to be wary with regard to hypnotherapy but states is happy to trial it.
Hypnotherapy session - introduction
Tim induced into hypnotic state using Staircase Method after failed attempt with Standard Relaxation Method II.
Deep hypnotic state achieved within initial 5 minutes.
Tim able to recall snow mobile trip and gave specific details using visualization technique. Described layout of accommodation and details regarding actions before the snowmobile accident.
States he had spent approximately one hour snowboarding during the morning before deciding to borrow snowmobiles and journey to the back country around Ben's grandparents property. Tim states it had been his idea to go snowmobiling and that Ben had agreed. They had borrowed the snowmobiles from a neighbor when Ben's grandparents had gone into town for supplies.
He talked through how they had chased each other through a wooded area and described how he had found his friend unconscious on the ground immediately after the accident.
At this point, I asked Tim to describe, very specifically, the events up to the point where he went to get help.
Transcript:
"...I came around the the side of the tree and saw him lying in the snow. He was unconscious and was lying kinda at a funny angle. I killed the engine on my snowmobile and ran to his side and was yelling his name and telling him to open his eyes. I shook him by the shoulder and his head just kind of just rolled to the side. I rolled his head back up and it just rolled straight back again. I felt for a pulse in his neck but didn't really know where to feel. Then I noticed his whole body was shaking - not a lot, but his legs and arms were definitely shaking. He was making a sort of snorting sound when he breathed so I rolled him on his side and tilted his head back again. I panicked. I rolled him on his side without even thinking about spinal injury. I didn't even think about it until I had already done it. I rolled him and tilted his head back so he could breathe easier...and his arms and legs stopped shaking. There was no-one around and I knew I had to get help, so I checked he was still breathing, jumped back on my snowmobile and raced back up to Ben's grandparents place. They weren't back so I ran to the neighbors house and was screaming at them to help. While Mrs Jacobson called an ambulance, Mr Jacobson got on he back of the snowmobile and I took him back to where Ben was. He was still unconscious but was still breathing. Mr Jacobson took off his jacket and lay it over Ben to keep him warm and we sat with him until the ambulance arrived. They asked me if I had moved him and I said I just turned him on his side. I didn't tell them I'd rolled his head. I knew I should, but I didn't want to get in more trouble.
[What happened then?]
The paramedics fitted him with a spinal collar and strapped him to a stretcher and got him stable for transport. We waited for the medical helicopter to arrive and, just as they landed, Ben's grandparent's arrived home. His grandmother was screaming and his grandfather was having to hold her back. The police arrived and took Ben's grandparents to the hospital and another car took me to the station to give a statement. They asked me all the same questions. What were we doing before the accident. Had we been drinking or taking drugs. Did I move him. I had to sit at the station for hours answering questions and waiting for my parents to arrive. The police officers were nice enough. They gave me something to eat and drink and kept asking me if I was alright, but they kept saying I couldn't go to the hospital and that I had to wait for my parents. They wouldn't tell me how Ben was - they wouldn't even tell me if he was still alive. They just kept telling me to wait for my parents. My Mom never came. She stayed at home with my little brother. My Dad came though. He came into the interview room and just stood and looked at me for ages. The police officers left the two of us alone and I remember thinking I just wish they would stay. My Dad just kept looking at me. He blamed me - I could see it in his eyes that he thought I'd screwed up again. Only this time I'd nearly killed someone. I'd nearly killed Ben. It took him ages to say anything, but I'll never forget it. He said 'Tim, what have you done. What the hell have you done'.
[Tim started to become very emotional at this point. Used staircase method to lighten the hypnotic state momentarily before going deeper again].
That was all he said to me. He turned around and walked out again. He signed the forms and the officers said I was free to go and they would be in touch if they needed any more information. I really wanted to go to the hospital but Dad wouldn't let me and he drove me all the way back to the city without saying a word. I always knew my father didn't love me, but that was the first time I actually realized that he didn't even really like me. I was nothing but a massive disappointment.
[When did you get to see Ben after the accident?]
They transferred him back to New York once he was stable and my Mom took me to see him a few days later. She dropped me off at the hospital on her way to work and I went to see him by myself. My parents could barely look at me and, to be honest, I could hardly look at myself. Ben's parents met me at the hospital and his Mom pulled me into a hug and thanked me for saving his life. They didn't blame me at all. If I hadn't moved his head around, he might have been alright - his legs had been moving before I did that. And they thought I'd saved his life.
[Tim became emotional again but able to continue without intervention]. [How did you feel when you saw Ben in hospital?]
He had been into surgery again the day before and was still sedated so I couldn't talk to him or anything. He was just lying there in bed and was covered in tubes and monitors. I felt sick. I wished I could go back in time and change everything. And part of me wished it had been me instead of him. Ben had so much potential and his parents had been so proud of him. I kept thinking that, if it had have been me...maybe it wouldn't have been so bad for everyone. I know it would have impacted my family, but we were never a close unit - not like Ben's - and I figured they would move on a lot easier than his family would. Instead, he was confined to hospital and rehab wards and I went off to college like everything was normal.
[Did you keep in contact with Ben's family after that?]
Yeah. I went to college and started pre-med. I chose Columbia because of its strong medical focus and research departments. My plan was to switch to a biology degree and to become a neuro-scientist and specialize in spinal injury. It was the least I could do for him. It was my fault he was stuck in that life and it became my mission to find a cure for paralysis. I was obsessed with it. I was getting involved with research programs at Columbia in my freshman year just to get a foot in the door for later on in my career. Most weekends I would go to the hospital and spend time with Ben. His Mom always encouraged me to keep in contact and was always real nice to me. His Dad was a lawyer and would get me to talk him through anything new in the research arena. They were more supportive than my own parents. My Mom and Dad were happy to send me off to college - particularly when I said I wanted to go to Columbia but never spoke about what happened to Ben. Needless to say, I never went on any more trips.
[How long after the accident did Ben pass away?]
2 and a half years. The accident happened half way through our senior year and he died at the end of my second year at Columbia. I had just finished my exams and was enrolled in a Summer research program. He had been in hospital for 9 months and then had been in a rehab centre. His family home wasn't able to be set up for his needs so his parents had bought a small unit and had it fitted out. He'd been living there with a full time team of carers for almost 9 months when he had to go back into hospital for more surgery to re-stabilize his vertebrae. The surgery was a success but he developed pneumonia and became really unwell very quickly and, with his chronically compromised immune system, he died before the antibiotics could get on top of the infection. It was a horrible time. Even though he had been so sick for so long, nobody thought he would go like that. His parents were devastated. They had two daughters, but Ben was their only son. The accident had devastated their lives.
[What impact did Ben's death have on you?]
My life ended as well. Ben had been the only real friend I had ever had. I could talk to him about anything. We'd laugh and joke around all the time - life was always good when he was around. He was one of those people that you just knew would be your friend forever. We would go to college, get jobs, get married, have kids but we'd always be best friends. Even though the accident had changed our friendship and changed our future, he was still my best friend. When he died, it was like I was back to being completely alone in the world. Nothing was important to me anymore. There was no point in continuing with my degree - the only reason I had wanted to do neuroscience was so I could help Ben. I got through his funeral, then went home for a few days. I was supposed to start the research program the following week but realized I couldn't live that life anymore. I needed to get out - out of college and out of the city. I couldn't cope with seeing his parents anymore - they were self destructing as well. I heard that their marriage broke down and that one of their daughters dropped out of school and got involved with drugs not long after. Their whole family disintegrated and it was all a result of the stupid accident. One mistake and I had ruined an entire family and killed my best friend. I've had to live with that every day since and I knew as long as I was in New York I would never be able to move on with my life. So, I dropped out of college. My parents were furious and threatened to disown me, but I had to go. I knew they were going to cut me off financially, so I withdrew as much as I could from the bank before that happened, bought a second hand motorcycle and left.
[Where did you go?]
Everywhere. I rode until I got tired and, if I liked the place, I would pick up casual work where ever I could and hang around until I was ready to move on then start all over again. I did that for a little over a year until I ended up in Florida. I'd had good memories from a couple of trips Ben and I had taken to St Pete to stay with his uncle so I thought I'd drop in on him and see how their family was going. I ended up staying there for 8 months. Uncle Michael was a great man. He took me in, gave me some home truths and gave me some direction in life. If it hadn't been for him...I really have no idea what would have happened to me. But I know it wouldn't have been good.
[And are you still happy in Florida?]
It's my home. I can't picture myself anywhere else. I don't want to be anywhere else.
[And your family?]
My family are all here. Not my biological family - but my spiritual family. For the first time in my life, I have more than one person as a true friend. I have people who care about me and who I would do anything for.
[How long has it been since you've spoken to your parents?]
A couple of years. Alexx got me to call a couple of years ago when I came off my bike. I don't think she really
Tim was brought out of the hypnotic state easily using the backward count method and remained aware of our conversation.
On termination of the hypnotherapy session, Tim stated he felt 'weird' and described the sensation of being able to hear himself talking and remembering events he thought were long forgotten, but feeling relaxed and in control throughout. He stated that he feels rested and as if he had just woken from a good nights sleep.
Tim moved, as if uncomfortable, however states was simply feeling 'a little strange' talking about such personal information and feelings. States he is not someone who usually talks about his feelings and obviously very unaccustomed to sharing personal information with anyone.
Talked about why he believed he was personally responsible for Ben's accident. Tim stated it had been his idea to go snowmobiling and, therefore, he felt it was his fault that Ben was paralysed. Talked through irrational versus rational thinking and reinforced that Tim's decision making on the day were made with a 'teenage' brain and the outcome was to have fun - not to cause damage to anyone or anything. Reinforce the notion that accidents are not planned and that, as a result, no-one in this situation was logically responsible for the outcome. Tim stated that he understood it had been an accident and that the rational part of his brain knew that he had not intended for Ben to be injured, however he could not overcome the feeling that he was responsible.
Taught simple counting reinforcement technique to use until next session.
Plan: Continue on current medication regime.
Tim to continue with relaxation techniques prior to sleep
Tim to practice counting reinforcement technique regularly until next consultation to deal with negative memories.
To follow up next Monday in rooms. Scheduled appointment 1430.