The Drama Of Being Happy
A/N-Thank you to my new Beta Shallotpeel.x
Chapter 7
Kate checked the bag again, knowing the search would be fruitless. She could have sworn...She had definitely picked up the taggy before she left the house, she had checked, more than once. Had she put it into the pram? Kate checked the blankets around the screaming Flora once again, causing more fury in her daughters cries. Kate pushed the pram back and forth a little, to no avail.
Should she take the route back through the park, the way she had come and check if it had fallen out on her way round? Or should she just cut her losses and get home as quickly as possible? She supposed she could have left the small square of material that Flora cherished, at home. She doubted it.
She felt panic in her chest as Flora cried on and she felt completely unable to make the decision. Wholly inadequate. She stood still, her daughter screaming, and suddenly began to cry herself. The cries quickly becoming noisy sobs that rivaled her daughters for volume. Flora, hearing the foreign sound, began to listen and her own screams finally died down.
"I'm sorry." Kate sobbed into the pram.
"Kate? Is that you?" A voice came from nowhere and everywhere.
Kate jumped, but couldn't cover the latest sob, her hand going to her mouth anyway.
"Kate! Whatever's the matter?" Judith asked, startled at the sight of this women unraveling before her.
Kate shook her head and suddenly found that Judith had reached out to her and Kate had thrown herself fully into the virtual strangers arms.
"It's alright." Judith said as she held on to Kate. "Has something happened. Do you want me to get someone? To get Caroline?" She offered as she pulled just slightly away.
Kate shook her head. "No! No, don't." She begged.
Judith nodded and held Kate close for a moment longer before digging in her pocket for a tissue.
"Can I do something?" Judith offered weakly.
Kate pressed the crumpled tissue to her face and scrunched her eyes shut in a pathetic attempt to trap her tears.
"Let's get you home." She decided as Kate continued to snivel and Flora, recalling her own dissatisfaction, began to cry again in earnest.
Xxx
"I'm so sorry." Kate said for the umpteenth time as she held both hands around the mug of tea that Judith had supplied her with on returning to the house. Instant remedy for any and all ailments.
"Please stop saying that. I'm just glad I bumped into you." Judith shrugged.
"Really? I bet you wish you'd gone the other way!" Kate said, looking mortified.
"It'll be hormones. You know. They effect you for ages afterwards ...and sleep...I bet you haven't been getting enough sleep!" Judith made the excuses for her.
Kate nodded yet seemed troubled. A heavy sigh. "I don't know if it's something more than that..." She admitted.
Judith brushed away the idea. "Every woman goes through it. It's completely normal. You'll be fine after a good nights sleep..."
"I broke down after watching an advert on the T.V yesterday, for the RSPCA, there was a tiny kitten in a box and it was mewing with the tag line "Somebody help me find a home!" I cried for about an hour." Kate revealed. "That can't be normal, can it?"
A moments thoughtful silence and Judith shrugged. "Sounds perfectly reasonable to me." She declared easily.
Xxx
"Hello darling."
"Hi."
"Can you talk? You're not feeding or anything?" Caroline checked.
"No. I 've just changed her. She seems content for a moment. I'll put you on speaker phone. I think she likes to hear your voice." Kate informed, doing just that.
"Ahh. I miss her too." Caroline replied. "How is everything?"
As Kate expected, Flora kicked her legs at the sound of Caroline's voice and gurgled in a way which Kate assumed must mean something good.
"Fine yes. We're having a good day. I thought I might head out to the shops and pick up something for dinner." Kate suggested hopefully.
"We have plenty in" Caroline assured. "We had a delivery yesterday didn't we?"
"Yes, I know. But I thought I might get something special. I might cook something for you." Kate explained coyly.
"Oh, well in that case..." Caroline began. "I'm glad you're feeling better. You seemed quiet last night?"
"Just tired." Kate dismissed, she hadn't told Caroline about the incident in the park yesterday. "How are things at school?"
"Same old dramas." Caroline moaned. "Everyone is missing you though."
"Yeh sure, I bet they haven't even noticed I've gone!" Kate said, a hint of dejection.
"Oh, they've noticed! They keep asking when are you going to bring Flora in for a visit. There's a group of year 10 girls who are particularly insistent. They managed to persuade me to show them some pictures on my phone..."
"I'm sure they really had to twist your arm! I've seen you with that thing, flashing pictures at anyone in the neighborhood who makes eye contact." Kate teased.
"That was Mrs Edmunds, She's lived down the road for years and she asked to see a picture..." Caroline protested.
Kate laughed and Flora kicked harder against the plastic of the change mat.
"It's been odd at school, there has been a definite change, not just with the kids but with the staff too." Caroline mused aloud.
"What change?" Kate asked.
"I don't think they're scared of me anymore. It's like they think I've gone soft." Caroline stated, indignant.
"Well, we can't have that!" Kate announced in mock horror.
Caroline sighed her defeat. "Maybe their right." She said quietly. "I'd much rather be home with you than bawling out 9F."
"You say the sweetest things!" Kate's short burst of laughter ceased and an emotional silence filled her heart and the phone line.
"How about it anyway?" Caroline asked, more lightly.
"What?" Kate managed.
"Bringing Flora into School. We could have lunch and show her off a bit..." Caroline couldn't hide her enthusiasm for the plan.
"Sure. One day soon." Kate agreed.
"How about tomorrow?" Caroline pushed.
"Perhaps tomorrow." Kate indulged.
Xxx
"It's hard to imagine really."
"What?" Kate inquired. She had been surprised today, by how pleased she was when Judith had popped in to check on her.
"Caroline. You and Caroline..."
"Probably best not to try and imagine that.." Kate's smile twitched cheekily.
"No. I mean. When I was with John, he used to talk about her. Bloody insensitive git that he is, he used to drone on about her, Caroline this, Caroline that. He didn't paint a very nice picture of her. I always thought she was a cold controlling bitc..."
Kate flashed Judith a warning look.
"...That's to say, I didn't have a very high opinion of her. When I finally met her, that night, She was nothing like I 'd imagined. I mean. A little. I was quite pissed but I still remember her as being a little superior, at first. But then she was...well she was quite kind to me on the way to hospital. I was scared and she made me feel... better..."
Kate smiled more to herself than to Judith. "She likes to take care of people. Whatever John says, she took care of him for years." Kate shrugged as she added another folded item of Flora's wardrobe to the pile of things she had already outgrown.
Judith knelt beside her and took another vest from the draw, checking the label for the size and placing it in the appropriate pile.
"She takes care of you and of Flora." Judith commented. It wasn't exactly a question, more Judith getting things straight in her own mind.
"She does." Kate agreed thoughtfully. "But I didn't want it to be like that." She stopped folding as Judith studied her patiently.
"I mean. I didn't want her to feel like we were another job she had to do. I don't want her to feel obliged. She hadn't really planned on a young family at this stage in life. I didn't want her to resent it. I think the time we had apart was good for us. She realised that she couldn't take me for granted and we both realised that we could do the things we wanted without each other but that we wanted to do them together."
"So that was why you split up? She didn't want a baby?" Judith simplified.
"It was more complicated than that." Kate replied quickly, feeling a little defensive.
"But she dotes on Flora now, from what you've said." Judith commented.
"She does." Kate remarked vaguely, gazing off into her own thoughts.
"What?" Judith asked gently.
"I feel like I have to hide how much I'm struggling...with Flora, how difficult I'm finding it. I still feel like...I don't want her to ... have regrets. This is what I chose and I don't regret it, not a bit..."
"It's just harder than you thought?" Judith provided.
Kate nodded quietly. "I can feel myself pushing her away sometimes, Caroline, but I can't seem to stop. "
A single tear fell onto the blue babygro that Judith had placed on the floor between them in order to stretch her hand out to Kate's shoulder.
"Maybe you should just tell her." Judith suggested softly.
Kate smiled and held the next tears on the threshold with a deep inhaling of breath. "Sorry." She offered.
Judith batted away the apology with her hand. "Nonsense. It's a relief to talk about someone else' worries for a change."
Xxx
Judith had helped Kate to make dinner and by some fluke or stroke of luck Flora had fallen asleep just as Kate was wondering how she would be able to get away with jumping in the shower and making herself presentable before Caroline came home.
Now Kate was clean, she had managed to style her hair, blowing and straightening it for a change and selecting an outfit she had purchased in the early days of her pregnancy, when she had only just begun to put on weight. She examined herself in the mirror and for the first time in months she was happy with what she found there.
Tonight she would make up for all the cold shoulders she'd been giving Caroline lately, for all the times she pulled away and found herself something else she needed to do. Tonight they could get back to their old selves. Kate felt a familiar excitement bubble up inside her as she thought about her wife. Everything was going to be alright.
Xxx
"You what?" Caroline barked. "You can't be serious."
"I know...me, getting wed..." Gillian said, purposely obtuse.
"No. To Robbie? I thought you'd stopped seeing him? I thought he was living with someone else?" Caroline questioned, her mouth as wide as her eyes, unconsciously strutting that much faster.
"Well, yeh, he was. But it didn't work out... And..you know...theres always been summat, between us, there always will be summat." Gillian reasoned.
"Have you been seeing him all along!?" Caroline demanded. "You have, you've been seeing him all this time, you never stopped!..."
"No! We did. It wasn't the whole time..." Gillian protested.
"Since when?" Caroline put to her.
"The wedding, Celia and Dad's wedding..." Gillian admitted. She was unsure why she felt so compelled to tell Caroline the honest truth, but she did.
"The wedding?" Caroline asked. "He was with...thingy...blondie at the wedding."
"He was. But we were all pissed, we went back to Harry's room, a group of us, to carry on drinking, he had a suite, cos he left it late to book...and anyway, Cheryl passed out pissed on the floor..." Gillian painted the picture, knowing exactly how it would look to Caroline, no room for personal interpretation there.
"So, all this time you've been taking the poor cow for a fool? I know she's a bit dim, but that's low, right under her nose like that." Caroline felt defensive, recalling how stupid she had felt, how humiliated when she had to have John's affair pointed out to her by someone she would barely call a friend. "I'm surprised at Robbie!" Caroline admitted.
"Oh, but not me!" Gillian burst, becoming angry herself now.
"Let's not pretend you don't have form!" Caroline shot back. "But aside from that!..." Caroline said over the sound of Gillian's huffing and puffing. "You can't marry him!"
"I think you'll find I can!" Gillian told her flatly.
"Really? You can walk down the aisle and look him in the eye, say I do...knowing all the while that you..." Caroline hesitated and then lowered her voice, losing non of her intensity. "That you murdered his brother? His only family?"
Gillian was silent for a moment. "I don't need your permission!" She said, convincing no one, least of all herself.
"I've got to go." Caroline said, she had reached her office and was slinging her things into her bag. "Kate's cooking and I'm already late."
"Fine." Gillian breathed sulkily, reminding Caroline briefly of her teenage son and his strops. "I was really ringing to invite you, you and Kate, Flora too. To the wedding..."
"How soon are you thinking of ...!?"
"There's no point hanging around is there? Might loose my bottle..." Gillian joked, cringing at her own poor taste. "It would be a good chance for you to...see your mum, maybe sort things out, weddings, they bring people together don't they?"
Caroline remembered the pain that had preceded her own wedding, the morning when she had woken full of so much hope and joy, knowing that this was indeed the happiest day of her life and then having it taken away by someone she loved so much.
"I don't think that would be a good idea." Caroline decided. "I think it would be a terrible idea."
Xxx
Caroline hadn't meant to slam the door as she entered the house over an hour after the time she had told Kate she would be home. The traffic had been a nightmare on top of everything else and Caroline couldn't get the conversation with Gillian out of her head. She kicked off her shoes and made her way to the kitchen.
"I hope there's some wine chilled.!" She called as she was engulfed in the warmth of the kitchen and a mixture of delightful aroma's, garlic, saffron, roasted lamb, something vaguely Moroccan. "Mmmm, smells delicious!"
Caroline looked around the empty kitchen. "Kate?" She called as she went to the fridge and pulled out the bottle of Pinot she found.
As she poured liberally into her large glass her wife appeared from the hall, Flora draped over her shoulder quietly. Kate's face reddened and creased with worry.
"Where the hell have you been? You're over an hour late. Flora's been sick, I think she has a temperature." Kate accused.
Caroline abandoned her glass and reached out for her daughter as Kate held on to her and turned sharply away from Caroline. The blonde didn't comment but put her hand to Flora's forehead. "She feels fine now." Caroline said. "Did you give her some Calpol?"
"Of course, twenty minutes ago." Kate snapped defensively.
"Well, it seems to be doing the trick." Caroline assured as she stroked a hand over the child's soft dark curls and this time Kate allowed her to pull Flora away and into her own arms.
Caroline noticed as she did that Kate's dress was stained with a milky white patch and the smell of sour milkiness mingled with the tones of her perfume, overpowering the fragrance. Kate had gone to some effort, wearing a dress that suited her beautifully, she had clearly taken time over her hair which was now scraped messily behind her ears.
"You look lovely." Caroline tried.
Kate looked down at the mess on her dress, she had given up on her smart shoes, that still felt tight on recently swollen feet and crammed her feet back into slippers and as she had paced the kitchen with a crying Flora in her arms, watching the hands of the clock ticking and listening for the sound of the front door.
She shot a scowl at Caroline but held her tongue for a moment longer. "Why are you so late anyway?" she finally asked.
"Oh!" Caroline rolled her eyes, rubbing soothing circles over Flora's back and placing her lips to her daughters brow. "Bloody Gillian, rang me just as I was leaving." Caroline moved back towards her wine glass, the mere mention of her step sisters name sending her for support. "To invite us to her wedding! To Robbie?! Of all the people, I can't believe her! She is brazen! She's been shagging him this whole time! Since Mum's wedding. Behind Cheryl's back, behind everyone's back. She said she wouldn't go there again. She promised me!" Caroline went on, knocking back another swig of wine.
"Why would she promise you that? What's the big deal? If they want to be together? I take it he has broken off with Cheryl now?" Kate checked impatiently.
"Yes..."
"Then what business is it of yours who Gillian marries?" Kate spat moodily, moving to the oven and taking out two plates which had clearly been sitting in the oven on a low heat for some time and looked a little dry.
"She was married to his brother..."
"So."
"He accused her of killing that brother, he tried to get her locked up!" Caroline argued. "Everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten that fact!"
"Is there more to it?" Kate asked suddenly with a harsh frown.
"What do you mean?" Caroline asked quickly.
"This thing with you and Gillian...why would she promise not to see him and why would you be so upset by their getting married?"
Caroline moved away from Kate so she wouldn't have to look her in the eye as she evaded the questions. "Look, I just don't think it's a good idea."
"Love doesn't really work that way Caroline, I'd expect you to know that by now." Kate sniped.
"Well, we are not going to the wedding that's for sure. She is under the misguided illusion that it would be a chance for me to forgive mum! Yeh, a family wedding is exactly the event to make me forget why we 're fighting!"
"Maybe she has a point..." Kate mumbled the suggestion, loud enough for Caroline to hear.
Caroline slammed her wine glass on the table as hard as she could without breaking it. "Are we eating or what?" She asked, sitting heavily in her chair and causing her load of sleepy child to whine weakly.
Kate brought the plates to the table and the women sat and ate in a heavy, resentful silence broken only by the small sounds made by an unhappy baby girl.
Xxx
A/N- Sorry folks, things will get better. Pinkie promise. x