"When will I ever get over and done with these mangas?" Takano was feeling particularly irritated on a warm Sunday afternoon, typing furiously on his laptop keyboard.
It was pretty obvious why he was feeling particularly irritated. His beloved hubby was out, away, in another city, on a business trip, today, when he was supposed to be at home, eating a romantic candle light dinner and then dancing with Takano afterwards to celebrate their 7th wedding anniversary. It was no wonder that Takano was particularly pissed.
He never found out the reason why Onodera suddenly changed in terms of his attitude towards him. However, from that day onwards, he never left his side, moving into the same house and getting married shortly after. Onodera said that they had wasted 10 years and he did not want to waste any more of his life. He was determined to spend the rest of his life with the only one he had ever loved. And it was Takano. Honestly, Takano was pretty curious for the change but he was afraid to ask, for fear that Onodera would sudden return back to before that faithful day, his cold and careless treatment towards Takano.
Takano loved how his hubby Onodera was treating him everyday. Serving breakfast at 8am, strolling hand in hand to the train station and to work in the morning, waiting for him to leave the office together to go for dinner or take another stroll hand in hand back home. Onodera had also become more pro-active in his actions to show his love for Takano. Even more dominating sometimes. While Takano was afraid that Onodera would dominate over him one day and he'd be the uke, he was actually glad for Onodera's change. He had to admit that he liked it pretty much, for he had enjoyed and benefitted from it pretty much too.
Takano had failed to realize that he was smiling all the time when he recalled and thought about Onodera. It was no wonder people would say distance makes love grow fonder. Such distance they were apart from each other right now only made them missed each other more, cherished each other more, and loved each other more.
Taking a break from his work, Takano remembered he once used to enter diaries in his laptop to vent his feelings/anger/frustrations when coming across Ritsu. In the past 7 years, he did not enter a single entry because Onodera was occupying his every single day, without frustrations or anger, only filled with love, warmth and care. It was something he was hoping for all along and he had finally been able to experience it all. He was glad. And felt that the 10 years wait was worth. Thus, Takano decided to enter one last entry to tell his diary that he would be sealing it off forever, because from then on, his everyday will only be filled with nothing else but happiness and love.
Clicking onto the "For Ritsu" folder, Takano was surprised to find every entry had been edited and the latest edited date was the exactly the day when Onodera became brave enough to confess his feelings towards Takano. Curious, Takano clicked on the entries.
A/N: Sorry, it'll be a repetition here to avoid you the trouble of referring back and forth between the entries and the comments that Ritsu actually left behind on every entry that night after leaving Takano's bedroom.
ENTRY 1:
Dear Ritsu,
Where exactly are you? Why did you stop contacting me? Why do I not see you in school? Do you not love me anymore? Please contact me... I once told myself to not fall in love with anyone as I grew up in the environment where my parents no longer loved each other, so I knew that love is painful, it will hurt. But yet, when you came along, I couldn't refrain myself from falling in love, and to fall only deeper in love. When I did finally convince myself to love, to be loved, you disappeared. I am unable to find you anywhere, you had just vanished without a trace... How could you do this to do? You were the one confessing your love courageously, and now you had lost all the courage? The courage to even face me? Please come back, will you?
[I am so sorry Takano-san. I had completely misunderstood you. Please forgive me for being so timid and afraid of facing the truth, that you might not love me anymore. I really did love you wholeheartedly in the past and I hope that you do not doubt that. Sorry for making you worried, sorry for breaking your heart. I will never do such a thing again in future. I'll stay by your side as much as I can for the rest of my life. I only hope that I will not become a burden or unpleasant existence in your life…]
ENTRY 97:
Finally did I chance upon someone who happened to know you. After 3 months of searching for you endlessly, I had a little bit more clue. You went overseas. And had a fiancée even. Even when we were dating, if you even considered it as dating and not toying around with my feelings. How could you do this to me? Were you guilty of two timing me and that was why you ran away, escaping overseas, feeling ashamed of your love for me as you realized that you did not love me, not at all. I was all rage, after hearing the news. Went to the bar and took a few drinks, drunk myself and was carried home by Yokozawa. Without him, I would probably not be alive by now. Do you know how hard it was for me to handle your disappearance? And how it was even harder for me to hear such truth? And where exactly are you, doing what? Probably enjoying yourself away with your fiancée, happy and carefree. Onodera, I really don't know to hate you or to love you. When I finally calmed myself down to enter this entry, I can't help but to feel helpless, on one hand I want to kill you, on the other hand, I want to cry. How can you torture me like this? Why can you torture me like this? Who exactly are you to do this to me? Honestly, I don't even know if I'll be able to forgive you if I ever even see you again.
[Please forgive me. I did not mean to hide anything from you but as you know, she was arranged by our parents and we did not even know about it before I left to study abroad. Do not doubt my feelings for you. I did not toy with you. I really really love you, Takano-san. I do not want to be unforgiven for the rest of my life because I'll be living in regret. I'm sorry for being extremely inconsiderate, not caring about how you actually felt and leaving without a word. But you know what; life isn't easy for me too. For you had already taken 99% of my heart back then, and still do now. Life was unbearable without a chance to meet you, or to communicate with you. But I was too ashamed of my actions to come back, to face you, and to seek your forgiveness.]
ENTRY 786:
Got myself drunk again yesterday and slept with Yokozawa unknowingly. Woke up feeling sick and guilty. No matter how much I tried to forget you, it seems impossible. Unknowingly, you've taken up too large a space in my heart for anyone else to enter. I know he has feelings for me but somehow I just am unable to accept him. I wonder if you'll ever read this but if you do, I really hope that you can forgive me for my mistakes (or betrayal) because I really don't mean to betray you, Onodera. Remember I said that I would never forgive you? I am wrong. Terribly wrong. Because I realised that I can't even bring myself to hate you, or to be angry with you. Even if you have a fiancée, I don't care. All I need is for you to be by my sight. As long as you appear before me, I'll not be angry with anything, not even your disappearance or your two-timing. All I need is you. And I really wonder how can I relay this message to you, or what can I do to make you come back. In the past, I don't believe those childish sayings of wishing upon a star, wishing at 11:11 or wishing to birthday candles. But ever since you left, I lost count of how many times I have actually wished upon all those things that I did not believe in the past. Will you make at least one of my dreams come true?
11:11, I love you, so please come back to my side Ritsu.
[I know I've no rights to say anything, but my heart broke at this entry. I really did not want to admit it but I couldn't help feeling extremely annoyed and jealous of Yokozawa-san. I know it was my fault, it was not your fault at all. I am so sorry Takano-san. It's been equally hard for me too, to live each day trying to forget you. And you know what, such childish things were what I wished everyday in the past too. I wished for an important place in your heart and memory, I wished for your forgiveness too. Thank you for forgiving me.]
ENTRY 1368:
I am still counting, even till today, how many years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds have you left me. Today, it's exactly 9 years = 108 months = 467 weeks = 3285 days = 78840 hours = 4730400 minutes = 283824000 seconds. Exactly how long more do I have to wait, or do you want me to wait before any one of my wish will come true, before you'll return to my side again. Ritsu, every single day, I count, counting exactly how long you've left me alone, all alone to face every shit in my life. I always wonder how are you doing, whether if you did fall sick, where are you, what time is it over there, who is by your side, and most importantly, who are you loving right now? Every time when I thought of these things, do you know how frustrated I'll get? Of course you don't know how afraid I am to know that I am no longer the most important person in your heart, the person you love. Anxiety overtakes me completely and there's nothing I can do but to wait, pray, get drunk and try to forget you as well. Probably you've forgotten me already, haven't you? I really want to give up on you. But I've no idea why I never once succeeded. Even after so long, you're still irreplaceable in my heart. I only wish you to return as soon as possible. I'll still be waiting, even if it takes a lifetime, I'll always be waiting for you, Ritsu. I love you
[I am so sorry. Thank you for waiting for me. I am so glad that you did not give up, or else we would not have gotten to where we were today. Thank you so much. Even though I was not worth your wait, but you waited, with faith that I'll return. Takano-san, I am really glad to have fallen in love with you, even gladder that you've fallen in love with me, even even gladder that you did not give up and continued waiting despite tough times, and most glad that we can spend the rest of our lives together.]
ENTRY 2378:
My whole mind is too preoccupied with you that I could no longer concentrate on my work. Have been struggling to meet the deadlines though I know I always appear to have completed my work on time with ease. Everyday I face you at work. Awkward. With you avoiding me with every step I took to be closer to you. How can you misunderstand my awkward laughter as mocking you, not being serious with you? If only you knew how serious I was with you in the past, would you still have left me back then? I bet you would still leave for that fiancée of yours. I can't believe it. After 10 years plus, you're still going strong with her, forgetting about me totally. That face of shock when you discovered who was I was your face of disgust, isn't it? All I felt was my heart breaking into pieces when you said you no longer love me and you no longer want to have any connections with me apart from purely being boss and subordinate. Onodera, have you really changed that much since 10 years ago? I guess I am stubborn even to not accept the change, to pretend that you were like 10 years before, to pretend that we were like 1o years ago. The one who didn't change is me. After 10 years, I am still being a fool. Getting fooled by your half-hearted feelings, or rather, no feelings at all. And yet, I am unable to move on, no matter how hard I try. I appear to be strong, yes, but do you know, I really want to have someone to share my burden with me, to have a shoulder to lie on when I'm tired, to have someone give me a rewarding kiss for my day of hard work, to have someone to comfort me when I'm feeling down, to have someone to share the warmth of a bed, a body with me. Am I even asking too much from you? God, please stop fooling around with me. Bringing someone I miss and love so dearly back to my side yet I can't enjoy his body warmth, his sweet talks and still have to suffer the pain of seeing him everyday to remind myself of being a failure. Sometimes, I really hope to simply end my life. No idea why did I even wait for 10 years to end my life, but all I know is that perhaps I shouldn't wait any longer.
[Exactly how many sorry have I said to you so far? I wish that you can feel my most sincere apologies for my childish mistake back in the past, back in 10 years ago. I did not forget you. But I did not recognize you as well because you changed your last name and your looks was different from 10 years ago as well. If only you knew how you lived inside my heart every single day for the past 10 years. I was never able to date anyone because I was unable to put you behind. You're the most important person to me. Thank you for not committing suicide. You're not a failure. You're the one who love me the most and you need to stay alive to love me. Please don't take my words to heart as I said them out of embarrassment. My truest feelings are that I love you, Takano. I love you, Masamune. I love you, I love you, I love you… I love you^n.]
ENTRY 2777:
Onodera Ritsu, I really wonder if I did anything too evil to you in the previous life. Why do you have to torture me like this… I can't help myself anymore. Yes, I can feel that you are denying your feelings for me, but I am not sure how much feelings are you denying. Yes, we had sex several times by now, yet I feel like I'm merely forcing myself on you every time, hurting you and feeling guilty every time after it. I really want to communicate with you properly, but every time I seemed to only have made things worst. I really cannot get across my feelings to you. Do you know how painful it is to see you everyday… You don't reject me, but you don't love me too. Probably love me with only 10% of your feelings. I don't want such half-hearted feelings. I can't help but to feel insecure. Insecure that your fiancée will win over you any time, and I would lose you again like before. I don't want to go through that again… If only you could read all of what I wrote and digest them and know how painful, heart wreaking and torturing it is for me to go through everything for the past 10 years. It is not that I blame you for all this. It is entirely my fault, my fault for being unable to give up on you, for being unable to forget you if at all, for not being able to control myself and making you uncomfortable… I think I should break away from you… I should let you leave your own life; I should leave the publishing company. If we were even dating, Ritsu, let's brea-
[Please do not ever say that you want to break up with me. My heart tore at the instant when I read the every last sentence of this entry. It was also when I realised how much I actually love you, so much that it was unbearable to hear the words "break up". Please promise me that we would stay together forever. I love you, I'll prove it. I'll cherish you more than before. I'll do my best to love you even more than you love me. You don't know how happy I felt every time when you whispered the sweet things into my ears during sex. You were not forcing yourself onto me, don't worry. I am very willing. I love you.]
A/N: Entry 2778 was keyed in by Onodera not long ago before he left for the business trip.
ENTRY 2778:
Dear diary, I am living very happily with my husband, Masamune Takano, right now. Thank you for the past 10 years for tolerating with his nonsense. I'll reward you handsomely by allowing you to retire early. Like now. You're my saviour. Without you, I would have missed Takano for the rest of my life, and you wouldn't know how regretful I'll feel for the rest of my life. He is the only person that can make my heart skip a beat, engulf me in every body warmth of his, and kiss me till my jaw drops. I love him to the moon and back. And I promise you that this love will never stop. Just like our happiness will never end. We'll be spending a lifetime together.
[Takano's comment: Baby, I love you. I am so glad that I met you. I am even gladder to never stop waiting for you. Even even gladder to never give up on you. But most glad to have fallen in love with you.]
The rest was history. A history that was sealed forever, no longer important because the future was much more meaningful.
A/N: That's the end! Hope that you guys have enjoyed the story thoroughly. It might be a little long though. XOXO