Author's Note: Some of the dialogue in this chapter is taken from the 'Funk' episode (which I do not own).
Puck tips his chair back onto its back two legs as he watches Rachel disappear into the stacks. He'd bumped into her on his way to lunch (never mind that he'd had to pass the cafeteria in order to do so), and when she told him she was heading for the library to do some research, he volunteered to go with her. It's been awhile since he's been in the library. Actually, the last time he was here was when he was still dating Rachel – he has some fond memories of them making out in the Biography section.
Unfortunately, there probably won't be any of that going on today. Although Mike had given him the opportunity to be alone with Rachel on Saturday, he just hadn't had the chance to tell her how he feels about her. It wasn't that he'd chickened out or anything, it's just that once she got into the truck, he didn't want to bring it up, because what if she laughed in his face? That would've made for one really awkward ride home, so he figured he'd wait until he started driving. But you can't really talk about important things while driving (hello, he has to watch the road – he's not Finn), so they talked about other stuff and before he knew it, they were at her house. Anyway, it's not like he can just come out and tell her that he likes her, right? He needs to work up to it, and he needs some time to figure out exactly how.
He's not chicken.
(Shut up.)
It's just that Puck's never been in this situation before. He was basically telling Mike the truth when he said that he'd never told a girl that he likes her; he's said the actual words before, but that was more like, "Yeah, sure, I like you, baby," as he negotiated his way to second (or third) base. He's never cared if they believed him or not, because there were always other girls.
Plus, once he tells her he likes her, what happens next (assuming that she doesn't completely shoot him down)? Like, does that mean he's her boyfriend? Because he's been a boyfriend exactly once in his life, and it pretty much sucked; he and Santana fought constantly, and they basically cheated on each other the entire time they were together. He doesn't want things to be like that with Rachel, but he just doesn't know how to do the boyfriend thing.
Damn. This really is the kind of thing that he would've talked to Finn about. But Puck knows he can't exactly call him up and say, "Hey, man, sorry about knocking up your girl, but would you mind hooking me up with your other ex?" Yeah, he's sure that would go over real well.
Puck sets his chair back down and drums his fingers on the table as he waits for Rachel to come back. Spotting her phone peeking out of her backpack, he grins and pulls it out. Might as well entertain himself for a bit. When he hears footsteps approaching, he hurriedly sticks the phone back into her bag.
Rachel returns to the table with an armful of telephone books and divides them into two piles. "Okay," she says in a low voice, "you take that one and I'll take this one."
"Sure. So what exactly am I looking for again?"
She rolls her eyes. "Oh, nothing important, just my mother. Until the lawyer gets back, all I have to go on is her name and the fact that she attended OSU in the early 90s." She sighs. "Unfortunately, Shelly Johnson seems to be a rather common name, so it will take quite some time to narrow the list down. Assuming, of course, that she's even in Ohio and hasn't married. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
Puck shrugs and pulls the first phone book off of the pile as Rachel takes a seat across from him. He copies down the addresses and phone numbers of two Shelly Johnsons and five S. Johnsons into his notebook. Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, he sets his pen down to pull it out. He hears Rachel's phone go off as well.
[Vocal Adrenaline has a message for New Directions. Meet us in the auditorium, and spread the word.] Puck doesn't recognize the number, but he's pretty sure he knows who it's from.
"Why is Jesse asking me to meet him in the auditorium? Did he text you too?"
Rachel looks up from her own phone, her left eyebrow raised. "Jesse? No. However, I did receive a text from an Assface McDoucherson." She makes a face at him. "Really, Noah?"
He smirks at her unrepentantly. One, he got her to say 'ass,' and two, she really should know better than to leave her phone unattended around him. He can't wait until she finds the other names he changed (he really, really wants to see her face when she gets a call from Satan's Hellbitch).
"Totally fits him better," he explains with a snicker.
She surprises him by grinning. "You know, I think you're right. Let's go see what Assface has to say."
Rachel tells him to forward the text to the rest of the Glee Club, in case they didn't get it, as they gather all the phone books and return them to the proper shelves before leaving the library. On their way, they see Mercedes, Tina, Artie, and Kurt heading in the same direction.
"You have to come to the auditorium! It's an emergency!" Rachel calls, barely even pausing as they pass. The others speed up, following closely behind them.
The rest of the club is already at the auditorium. They file inside to see Jesse standing on the stage with the members of Vocal Adrenaline.
"Ah, nice to you all again," Jesse says insincerely as the New Directions take seats in the front section. "As you probably know by now, I've transferred back to Carmel High. I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me. You never listened to my clearly superior ideas and you never really accepted me."
"Because you were kind of a dick," Puck says loudly.
The girl standing next to Jesse glares at Puck, but he can see a couple of guys in the back trying to hide their laughter.
Jesse shoots a dirty look in his direction. "And, obviously, some of you were just immature jerks. I'm so glad that I don't have to work with amateurs any longer."
Puck glances at Rachel sitting beside him. He can practically see the anger radiating from her body, and he suppresses a grin. Jesse had better hope that she doesn't catch him alone – between finding out about his involvement with her mother, the bullshit speech he just gave, and calling the New Directions amateurs (again), Puck is pretty sure Rachel would tear Jesse apart. Verbally, first, and then physically, with her tiny, bare hands.
Jesse continues, "Regardless, the blogs and chat rooms say that we're finished and that you guys are ripe to topple us. We just wanted to show you something we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment."
Vocal Adrenaline launches into a performance of Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust." Jesse might be a complete asshat, but he can definitely sing, and the supporting members are all pretty solid too. Puck has to admit that they are really damn good; Regionals might not be as in the bag as he'd thought.
As the New Directions glumly make their way back to the practice room, Artie explains that it's apparently a Carmel High tradition to psych out the competition. "They call it 'funkification,' meaning they show us what they've got, and we spiral into a deep, dark funk."
"Well, it worked. If we don't beat them at Regionals, we're finished," Mercedes replies with a heavy sigh.
"Guys, it's not that bad," Rachel says, trying to sound upbeat. "Once we settle on our set list, and start practicing –" She nearly runs into Kurt, who has stopped in the doorway to the practice room. "Um, Kurt?"
Wordlessly, he steps inside so that the rest of them can go in. Puck looks around and sees toilet paper everywhere; it's hanging from the lights, wrapped around the chairs and the music stands, taped onto the cabinets – it looks like a snowstorm hit the practice room. It's kind of impressive - Puck would have admired the effort, if, you know, he weren't a victim of the prank.
Matt leaves to find Mr. Schue, and they both come back with trash cans and stuff to start cleaning up. While the dejected group works to rid the room of the toilet paper, Mr. Schue throws out some really lame suggestions for retaliation (stealing the school statue? Please). Puck rolls his eyes as he pulls a long string of toilet paper down from the ceiling. He knows that it's going to be up to him to step up, because come on. Revenge is totally his domain. He can feel someone staring at him, and when he looks around, he's surprised to see that it's Finn.
Finn glances around the room, and meets his eye again, both eyebrows raised. We're not gonna let them get away with this, are we?
Puck grins and shakes his head slightly. Hell, no. It's so on.
Finn comes over to Puck's house that evening after dinner, dressed in dark clothes as they had discussed. They take Finn's car to drive to Carmel High, since they decide it's less conspicuous than Puck's truck, but Puck drives since 90-year old blind women drive better than Finn does. The ride is silent until Puck pulls on to the freeway, when both boys start to speak at the same time. Finn motions at Puck to go first.
"Look, I know I can't ever make up for what happened with Quinn," Puck begins. "But for what it's worth, I really am sorry."
"I'm not really sure if things are ever going to be the way they were before, " Finn says.
Puck nods. He can accept that (really, he impregnated his best friend's girlfriend – it's kind of hard to bounce back from that).
"But maybe we can try hanging out? See how it goes?"
Puck grins. "What, vandalizing the cars of a bunch of assholes doesn't count as 'hanging out'?"
Finn laughs, and they start discussing their next basketball game, the Indians' pitching staff, and other random topics, and it's almost like old times again.
During a lull in the conversation, Puck wonders how to bring up the topic of relationships. He ends up blurting out, "Hey, I know this is kind of random, but do you think I could be a good boyfriend?"
Finn looks at him sideways. "Uh, I'm flattered, but you're not really my type."
"Not for you, dumbass," Puck says, rolling his eyes. "Just, in general. You know, hypothetically."
"Shouldn't you ask Santana, since she actually was your girlfriend?"
"But I already know I was a bad boyfriend when I was with her. I just want to know how to be a good one, and if you think I could ever be one."
"Well, first of all, you realize that you wouldn't be able to sleep with other girls anymore, right?"
"I know," Puck says with a sigh. That would probably be the toughest part for him, but he figures it's only fair – the thought of Rachel being with some other guy makes his stomach turn. "What else would I have to do?"
Finn shrugs. "I don't know. Just listen to her when she talks, or at least look like you are, and do things to make her happy." He cocks his head at Puck. "So, is there a particular girl you have in mind here, or what?"
"Nah, I'm just wondering. You know, can't be a sex shark forever," he says. Finn looks as if he doesn't believe him, but he lets the subject drop.
Puck pulls the car over a few blocks down from Carmel High. "Alright, let's go break shit."
Finn laughs as they get out of the car to walk the rest of the way to the high school. "You know, Rachel would kill us if she found out about this."
Yeah, she totally would. Puck can almost hear her yelling about boys and violence and needless destruction.
"Yeah, well, we just gotta make sure she doesn't find out." Puck pauses, then asks as casually as he can, "Hey, so what's up with you two anyway? Now that she's not with Jesse anymore, are you gonna hook up with her again?" He holds his breath as he waits for Finn to answer, because honestly, if Finn wants her back, Puck feels like he kind of owes it to him to step aside.
Please say no, he thinks.
Much to his relief, Finn shakes his head. "I think she's a great person, and she's hot and all, but I think we might be better off as friends. And anyway, I'm pretty sure she's not into me anymore."
The two boys reach the parking lot, where they see several rows of shiny black Range Rovers parked.
Finn lets out a low whistle. "Wow. We can barely afford to rent a bus, and they get Range Rovers?"
Puck shrugs and hands Finn a pocketknife. "So let's even things up a little. You can start over there," he says, pointing at the other end of the row.
Finn nods and jogs over as Puck heads over to the first car in his row. He smirks when he reads the license plate: 1Jesse1.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
The next morning, Puck saunters down the hallway feeling awesome. He restored his Glee Club's honor (now there was a sentence he never thought he'd ever think), and he got his best friend back. He was the man.
It lasts for about five minutes, until Miss Pillsbury stops him and tells him that Figgins wants to see him.
Finn is already in the principal's office, along with Mr. Schue and a pretty, dark-haired woman. Puck takes one look at them and says, "We didn't do anything, and you can't prove that we did."
Wordlessly, Figgins picks up a remote and turns on the TV, which shows surveillance footage of him and Finn in the Carmel High parking lot slashing the tires.
Oops, must've missed that camera.
"Okay, yeah, we did it, and I'm proud! We stood up for our friends." He looks over at Finn. "But it was totally my idea."
Finn frowns. "No, it wasn't, we both –"
"It doesn't matter whose idea it was," Figgins interrupts. "You both caused thousands of dollars' worth of damage to those cars."
"They got what was coming to them!" Puck says heatedly.
The dark-haired woman speaks up. "A few of my students played a harmless prank. It was just toilet paper. You two slashed the tires on the Range Rovers of all of my students, and keyed some inappropriate words on one in particular."
"Er, guys," Mr. Schue says a little belatedly, "this is Shelby Corcoran, the coach for Vocal Adrenaline."
Puck glares at her. "Well, one of your students spied on us, and tried to seduce Rachel!"
"Yeah," Finn pipes up. "He broke her heart! We might've done a lot of physical damage, but Jesse caused emotional damage!"
Puck glances at him approvingly. Nice one, Finn.
Shelby looks taken aback. "Rachel Berry?"
"Look," Figgins says, trying to regain control of the conversation, "the fact remains that you boys destroyed private property. I'm afraid I'm going to have to expel you both."
"What?" Puck, Finn, and Mr. Schuester exclaim together. All three start protesting loudly.
"Hold on a second," Shelby shouts over the noise. She waits until the yelling dies down. "I really don't think expulsion is necessary, Mr. Figgins. If the boys agree to pay for the damages, I won't press charges."
"I agree," Finn says immediately. Puck nods as well. It might be a little tough, since most of his pool money has already gone towards Quinn's medical bills, but anything's better than being expelled.
Figgins claps his hands together. "Ah, Ms. Corcoran, you are as wise and merciful as you are beautiful."
"Um, thank you," she says.
Mr. Schue gives Puck and Finn a relieved smile. "I know neither of you have jobs right now, but I think Terri might be able to hire you at Sheets 'N Things."
"Good, good," Figgins says. "Now, you boys should get to class. The three of us will discuss the terms of your punishment, and Mr. Schuester will inform you about them later today. You may go."
Puck heads for the door, Finn close at his heels. Puck's hand is on the doorknob when he hears Ms. Corcoran ask, "Your friend, Rachel – is she okay?"
Puck turns to her. She genuinely seems concerned, so he answers honestly, "Well, Jesse treated her like sh – er, crap, but she'll be all right," Puck says. "She has us."
Finn nods in agreement. "Our Glee club takes care of each other."
Shelby smiles at them. "I'm glad," she says. She turns back to Mr. Schue and Figgins, and Puck figures that he and Finn are free to go.
"Well, that worked out better than I thought it would," Puck remarks as they step out into the hall.
"Yeah, my mom would've killed me if I'd been expelled."
"It would have served you right, you idiots!" Rachel jumps up from the bench outside the office, Matt and Mike beside her.
"And frankly, we're kind of pissed that you didn't ask us to help," Mike adds. "We could've at least gotten rid of the security cameras."
"How'd you guys know about that?" Finn asks.
Matt shrugs. "We have first period with Santana."
Rachel glowers at Mike and Matt. "You're not helping," she says. She smacks Finn's arm, and then turns to Puck, still furious.
He holds his hands up in surrender. "Whoa, there, tiger. How'd you even know what happened?"
"Well, I received this text this morning," Rachel says, waving her phone at him.
He smirks when he sees it's from Assface. The text reads: [Your hoodlum is responsible for this, isn't he?], and it's accompanied by a photo of the door of Jesse's Range Rover, which has the word 'prick' carved into it. Puck is rather proud of how well it shows up, despite the small size of the thumbnail photo, and he wonders if the other carvings came out as clearly. Rachel is still glaring at him though, so he wipes the smile from his face and hands back her phone.
"When I got to class this morning, I heard that Miss Pillsbury sent you to Mr. Figgins' office, and I put two and two together." She sends an angry glance at Finn, who cowers noticeably. "What were the two of you thinking? You could have been prosecuted! Worse, you could have been expelled! And that would not only have ruined both of your lives, but it would have left us with only ten members, which would have DISQUALIFIED US FROM REGIONALS!"
Rachel's voice has gotten steadily louder and higher-pitched, and Puck is pretty sure that she's going to start shattering the windows if her rant continues any longer. He throws an arm over her shoulder. "Look, babe, that could've happened, but it didn't. Yeah, Finn and I are gonna have to work at Sheets 'N Things for the next, like, year, but whatever. We stood up for the Glee Club and we showed Vocal Adrenaline that we're not going down without a fight. Totally worth it."
Rachel looks up at him, her expression softening. "That's why you did it? Not because he called you an immature jerk?"
Puck shrugs. "I kinda am an immature jerk."
Rachel smiles, her eyes sparkling. "Sometimes," she says. "Not always." She places her hand on his cheek, stroking it gently with her thumb. After a few seconds, she pulls her hand away abruptly and her cheeks redden. "Oops, I'd better go! I told Mrs. Gallagher I was just going to the bathroom, and I've been gone for at least ten minutes already!" She dashes off.
Puck watches her until she rounds the corner before turning back to his friends. Finn, Mike, and Matt are all standing there, staring at him with amused grins. "What?"
"You guys are adorable," Matt says teasingly.
Puck rolls his eyes. "Oh, shut up." He flips them off as he turns to leave for class, although, really, it doesn't bother him that much.
"Hey, remember what you asked me yesterday?" Finn calls after him. Puck pauses and looks back at him. "I think you'll be just fine."
Puck nods his thanks and continues down the hall. When he's sure no one can see him, he touches his cheek and he can't stop the smile that spreads across his face.
Maybe he's ready to try this boyfriend thing again after all.