The nurse—who I discovered is named Rina—leaves after the eleven p.m. check in. Ella is peacefully dreaming away in her bed. She looks happy. I shame myself that I ever saw her cry. Happiness should always be her sole emotion. Maybe love or hope can get mixed in there too, but I'll kick the ass of anybody that makes my daughter sad. I grimace as I realize my ass should have been kicked a long time ago. Paige comes back into the room from her run downtown to get takeout. We sit down at Ella's coloring table to eat our Chinese. Sesame chicken never looked so good. My hunger has been amplified significantly by the satiating of my need to see Ella. I'm sure the "barely eating for almost two weeks" didn't help it much, either. Paige and I sit silently as we devour our food, hardly taking our eyes off of the angel in the bed.
"She's very special," Paige murmurs, angling her chair towards the bed. "With the way she loves you, it's hard to believe any court would have the heart to take her away." We sit in silence a little while longer. I take a deep breath and begin again.
"You remember when I told you that Caroline lied to the court to keep her full custody?" Paige nods slowly. "She didn't lie. I couldn't come to terms with my problems. My marriage was falling apart and work was hard to come by." The words begin to tumble out. "So I began drinking. It became an addiction really fast. Why face my problems when I could drown them in alcohol? I lost control of myself, Paige. I lost who I was for a while. I did crazy things." I shudder in loathing. "I think I even hit her once or twice. I hate myself every day for it. Not facing my issues created more. I lost the most important thing to me in the world because I was a coward." Paige stares at me with cryptic eyes. Their iciness is unnerving. I shift in my seat.
"Why did you lie to me, Mike? Why did you lie to all of us?" She asks after a moment, sounding wounded.
"I was afraid. I was afraid of what you would all think. You know, ex-alcoholic who lost everything because of his own stupidity… not exactly a great first impression. Graceland was my opportunity to start over, to have no record or reputation. When I went back to Quantico, it straightened me out, taught me to face my problems head on; I realized today that by not telling you, I was just running from my problems again, and I can't do that. But I guess I wasn't ready to admit that to myself until now. I needed to tell you, to tell someone." I swallow the lump in my throat and look away from her in shame.
"Mike, you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You recognized the problem you had and you reinvented yourself. You have to give yourself credit for that. I get why you lied, but you can't lie to us, Mike. We are your family. You don't lie to family. We would have understood. You're one of the most amazing people I know. Be strong. Be strong for Ella." She looks me dead in the eye and I nod. "I'm glad you told me."
"I am too." We sit in silence for what feels like an eternity to me.
"Ella said you could be her new mom," I say softly, chuckling. Paige locks gazes with me, looking a little lost. "It just means she likes you, Paige." She doesn't look mollified. "Don't feel weird about it."
"But how do you feel about it?" Her stare is fiery, her expression intense. I don't exactly know how to respond. "How do you feel about a….an 'us'?" My heart beat quickens in my chest.
"An 'us'? Paige, what I feel for you is different than anything I've ever felt before." A stab of guilt plagues me. "It's different from what Caroline and I had. It's so much more… like a drop of water compared to an endless sea. I'm only sure of one thing between us right now, and it's that I don't want to lose you." My heart wrenches at the thought. Paige has been my fallback. She listens to me and understands. She's been a saint throughout this whole process of grief and worry. She stands strong for me because I can't.
"You're so sweet, Mike, and you're such a good father. You do what is right without hesitation. You're tender and kind and sensitive. You aren't afraid to cry." Boy have we demonstrated that one. "Losing you scares the hell out of me, and I worry about what might happen here if…" Paige trails off, knowing she's treading in hot water. I move from my seat to clean up our empty cartons. "I just need to be with you. No games or tricks. Because… Because I love you, Mike." My heart skips a beat.
"And I love you, Paige. More than my own life." Takeout cartons forgotten, I cross the room and envelope my love in a tight embrace. She returns the physical connection and lays her head on my shoulder.
"Tell me again," She whispers seductively.
"I love you," I whisper, short for breath. She pulls back and our eyes meet, tender gray to intense blue. We move our faces closer, our lips nearly touching, until we can go no further. I feel her hot breath on my face. I take her head in my hands and our lips meet. The electricity is all there, the love and passion expressed by the motion. Our tongues intertwine as I begin to feel whole again. But the kiss means more than a kiss. It is the connection of our two souls, the holding of each other's hearts. I wrap my hands around her waist as she fists through my hair with her hands. Something blossoms inside of me that I haven't felt in a while. My insides beam as I bask in this thing called love.