The following contains possible spoilers for the most recent episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and other Marvel Cinematic Universe films, it might also contain some (slightly) offensive jokes, though is not intended to offend or insult anyone. I am not related to the Cast, Crew or anyone involved with Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ABC, or Marvel Entertainment. With that said, viewer discretion is advised.
Episode 7: Try it Out
A Real Estate Agent goes into a "For Sale" house.
Real Estate Agent: This is the Grand Hallway.
Hunter and Bobbi follow her in.
Hunter: I can't believe me and Bobbi have to be a couple again for this top secret mission.
Bobbi: Can you scream that a little louder Hunter? I don't think all of the neighbors heard you. (Whispering) You know the mission, we disguise as husband and wife while investigating this house S.H.I.E.L.D. thinks Hydra is hiding secrets in.
Real Estate Agent: Now coming upstairs to your right there is a stash of Hydra Secr... uh, the child's bedroom.
Hunter tries to open the door. The Real Estate Agent stops him.
Real Estate Agent: You can't see in there, it's not finished yet.
Hunter: Oh, right that's bad luck.
Bobbi: That's for seeing the bride before a wedding
Hunter: Does this place have a big yard? We're expecting children. Looks at Bobbi Twins more likely.
Real Estate Agent (To Hunter): You can do some construction in the yard to expand the playarea for children.
Bobbi (To Hunter): What are you doing, we're not having children, we're not even a real couple. And did you just call me fat?
Hunter: I'm trying to add character, you've been acting like a robot this entire time.
Bobbi: What did you just say to me? I'm more realistic than you've ever been on these missions.
Hunter: Oh please, when it comes to spying missions I am the top pick, watch and learn.
Hunter puts on his cowboy hat.
Hunter (Southern Accent): 'scue me ma'am. You know where any Hydra secrets are?
Real Estate Agent: What are you talking about? And why are you putting on a southern accent all the sudden?
Hunter takes off the hat.
Hunter: Oh yeah, we were already undercover.
Bobbi facepalms.
Real Estate Agent: Undercover? You're working for S.H.I.E.L.D.!
The Real Estate Agent takes out a gun before coulson jumps threw the window, knocking her out with the back of his gun.
Coulson: Nice going you guys, you blew the whole mission.
Bobbi (To Coulson): You could've just jumped in here this whole time and knocked her out? Why did we have to do any of this undercover stuff?
Coulson: Bobbi, are you questioning my leadership?
Bobbi: No, I'm just asking why we had to pretend to be a couple, when clearly you could've just jumped in here and gotten the plans.
Coulson: You are questioning me! You're not getting an apple pie.
Bobbi: Not like you were going to take us to McDonalds anyway.
Later, at McDonalds.
The whole gang (except Bobbi) are eating apple pies, while Hunter is eating two of them.
Hunter (eating): He did.
Bobbi: I hate you.
Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Skye: I can't believe A.I.M is behind Spider.
Fitz: Or that Ward and Hydra are involved in this.
Simmons: We need our lab in order to track any of them down.
Bobbi: Someone suggests going back to the Globemaster in 3, 2, 1...
Skye: I have an idea!
Bobbi: Groan
Ward goes into the Hydra building.
Ward: What happened, looks like a tornado went through this place.
Bakshi: A.I.M. destroyed stuff and our shareholders stopped funding us.
Kara: Someone needs to get them back!
Ward: I'll talk to them.
Ward gets off the phone with one of the shareholders.
Ward: Guess we need to start some auditions.
Bakshi: Try outs start now.
May: I want us to do stuff that I like for a change.
Coulson: What do you mean, May?
Mack walks on to the Globemaster with Spider.
May puts on a chef hat.
May: Making a dinner for Agent Mack!
Coulson: This should end well.
Coulson and May make three gross meals for Mack.
Mack: Those were crap!
Coulson: I have another trick up my apron.
Coulson comes out with a trey of Fist-Print Cookies.
They all explode.
May (British Accent): Get the hell out of my kitchen!
Trip gets thrown in a cell.
Trip looks up seeing Peter Pott.
Peter: Don't, I know you?
And now...
Peter and Trip
Location: A.I.M. Facility
Peter: I do know you! You're Mack's friend, Todd right?
Trip: Nope.
Peter: Uh, well, how about Tom?
Trip: Not that.
Peter:... I think I've got it this time, Marion.
Trip: Not even close.
Globemaster Lounge
Skye, Bobbi, Mack and Hunter are all sitting at the table.
Mack: I found Spider. You know it makes people run fast?
Bobbi: Like, a reverse centipede? Instead of strength, it's speed? That's lazy.
Skye: I can't shake this feeling like we're missing someone.
Mack: I agree, but what? Oh yeah, Trip isn't here.
Hunter: Who?
Skye: Guys, we can't just leave Trip looking for Spider, we need to go find him.
Coulson comes out of a shadow.
Coulson (To Skye): And that's exactly what we need to do, Skye.
Bobbi: Ah! Coulson, where the hell did you come from?
Coulson: In the corner of the room, I'd been standing there for three hours straight waiting for one of you to bring up Agent Trip. Totally worth it.
Skye: Where is he?
Coulson: My sources believe he's been kidnapped, by who though is unknown. We assume Hydra.
Hunter: A.I.M. might have done it too, those buggers do seem to be causing a lot of trouble lately.
Coulson: How do you know about A.I.M.? That name is classified. Only level 8 Agents can know about them.
Skye: I'm Level 8, can I know?
Coulson: No Skye, you're level 7 and a half, major difference. You get to decide what color we paint the new interrogation room.
Skye: Oh, I was thinking a hot pink.
Mack (To Coulson): Since we all know about them anyway, we don't we just go after them? No need to waste time on levels and whatnot. What if they have Trip, and not Hydra?
Coulson: That's a good point Agent Mack, we'll just need to split up. Lucky for us, FitzSimmons managed to find out the general area of an A.I.M. base from Spider, before they even got in there lab.
Bobbi: So much for needing to come back here. Rolls Eyes
Coulson: Bobbi & Hunter you two will be investigating A.I.M. Skye, myself and May will go undercover in Hydra.
Hunter: Why can't me and Bobbi go undercover again?
Hunter takes out his cowboy hat.
Hunter: This guy still has a little action left in him, I think.
Coulson: No way Hunter, I'm not trusting you guys with another spy mission again. Don't you remember last time?
Hunter: Oh, right. We did kind of blow that, didn't we?
Coulson: Yeah.
Bobbi: Come on, that pre-show skit doesn't count!
Skye: Why are you complaining? You get to go investigate crap, we have to go undercover in Hydra, with Ward.
Hunter: Is that bad thing? I thought you still loved Ward?
Skye: I do, but sometimes I don't. I think I'm in the "don't like Ward" stage right now.
Coulson: You guys have an hour to prepare.
Mack (To Coulson): What about me? I want to do spy stuff.
Coulson: Right, you Mack can help FitzSimmons with their research, there's still more they need to do with the Spider technology, head to their lab for details on it, and how you can be useful.
FitzSimmons.
Location: Their lab... technically it's S.H.I.E.L.D.'s lab, but don't tell them!
Simmons plops down on a stool next to her desk.
Simmons: Ah, back to work again.
Simmons pushes all the science equipment off her desk, and starts playing Club Penguin on her computer.
Fitz: It's so weird to be working in a real lab again. I feel like Doctor Who!
Simmons: Doctor Who doesn't work in a science lab, Fitz. Haven't you seen the show?
Fitz: Doctor Who is the show with that cranky Doctor who has a cain, right?
Simmons: No, that's House.
Fitz: Really? What's Doctor Who then?
Simmons: It's about an alien who travels through time and space, doing missions.
Fitz: And I thought that was Glee.
Simmons: I have a lot of work to do Fitz, so I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Mack walks in.
Fitz: Can we help you?
Mack: Apparently I'm here to help you two actually, Coulson said I'm going to work with you guys when they're doing their missions.
Simmons: Excellent, we've needed an assistant for a long time.
Mack: I'm not going to be your assistant, I'm just here to help a little bit, we also need you to look at Spider.
Mack puts Spider on the desk.
Simmons: You found Spider?
Mack: Yeah, I did. No one told you?
Fitz: We kind of keep to ourselves.
Mack: But... it was big news around S.H.I.E.L.D.
Fitz: We really like our privacy.
Simmons: Why do I need five thousand coins to buy an igloo? Fitz is lying, we've just played games since we got here.
Mack: Not too surprising.
Mack looks around to see Simmons yelling at her computer, while Fitz plays with a yo yo.
Simmons: We should work on Spider, it is our job after all!
Fitz: Just some more play time Jemma, please?
Fitz swings the yo yo and hits the ceiling. Mack catches it.
Mack: Stop goofing around buddy, time for some real work.
Fitz and Simmons go to the table.
Simmons: Let's take a look at Spider.
Fitz: Since the three of us here together, and I kind don't want to do work right now, I have an idea.
Mack: This should be good.
Simmons: What is it Fitz?
Fitz: Instead of just studying up on Spider, and since the Director is going to be doing other things, we should have a sleepover.
Simmons: Brilliant idea, when was the last time we had this entire ship to ourselves? We can stay up late, gossip, it's going to be a blast.
Fitz and Simmons giggle.
Mack: Yeah, except I'm not a 12 year old girl. I don't want to do any of that, you need to spend your time studying Spider.
Fitz: It makes you go fast, we already know about Spider.
Simmons: Besides, we'll get to it. Why not let loose a little and have fun?
Fitz: Exactly Simmons, we were working out butts off in Captain Cook's weird lab, I need a break from science. Let my wild animal side out!
Simmons: Preach Leo.
Mack: Whatevs, I don't got anything else to do on here.
Ward, Bakshi and Kara
Location: Hydra Headquarters... the only evil organization that has it's headquarters in the middle of an urban metropolis.
Ward: Try outs are starting today. Which means we're going to get a lot of new staff here. People are going to come in through the Theatre, and try out to join Hydra, and three of us are the judges to see who can join. Any questions?
Bakshi raises his hand.
Ward: Bakshi, what?
Bakshi: Have we always had a theatre in the Hydra headquarters?
Ward: Yeah, we have. Anything else?
Bakshi raises his hand again.
Ward: Yes again, Bakshi?
Bakshi: It just seems strange an evil group bent on world domination would have a Theatre built into their base. What would it ever be used for?
Ward: Bakshi, it's there. And we're using it for auditions so we can re-stock our staff here, any other questions
Bakshi raises his hand yet again.
Ward:... that are not about the theatre?
Bakshi puts his hand down.
Ward: Good, now let's go.
Ward, Kara and Bakshi walk down to the Theatre. All sitting in their respective judge chairs.
Kara: My chair feels weird.
Ward: Check it out if it's bothering you.
Kara gets up and looks at her Cushion.
Kara: There's an old piece of gum on a seat, ew, It's all over my pants.
Ward: Oh right, staff used this room for parties. Watch where you sit, this place is probably a mess.
Kara: Why didn't anyone clean it before?
Ward: We got no staff, remember, that's why we're doing this.
Kara sits back down and the first person comes onto the stage.
Audition Guy: Hello, my name is Klaus, and I would like to audition for the role of Hydra employee.
Bakshi: What can you do that's evil?
Klaus: I can make scary faces!
Klaus sticks his tongue out, and waves his arms around.
Klaus: Evil enough for you?
The judges get their judge cards out.
Ward gives a three.
Kara gives a five.
And Bakshi gives a two.
Ward: We're done here. Next!
The next Audition comes on, a girl in pigtails.
Audition Girl: Hi, my name is thindy.
Ward: Aww, a lisp, cute.
Kara smacks him.
Kara: Cute? You're the Baron of Hydra for goodness sakes. Show a little cruelty.
Ward: Oh, I mean (Deeper voice) show me your use!
Audition Girl: I'm going to thing the thong from high thcool muthical.
Bakshi: This isn't actually for singi...
Audition Girl: We're all in thith together...
Ward: Okay, this isn't cute anymore. GET OFF THE STAGE! This isn't a singing competition! We want evil employees for Hydra, if you can't do anything evil, get out.
Audition Girl leaves.
Bakshi: Ward, That was just wrong, she's a little girl.
Ward: I can never win with you two, can I?
Kara: Hashtag, don't stand with Ward!
May & Coulson
Location: May's Cabin... one of the only three places Coulson has even spoken to her.
Coulson walks into her Cabin.
Coulson: May, you should start getting ready for our next mission together.
May: Go away, Coulson!
May throws her pillow.
Coulson: I'm sorry I was a... well.
May: Total dimwitted buffoon incapable of preforming the simplest of culinary tasks?
Coulson: I was going to say, well that.
Coulson sits on her bed.
May: You know it took me three hours to stop speaking like a 40 year old Englishman?
Coulson: I know, I was totally off with that dinner. But remember May you convinced me to do it.
May: I wanted to do my things for a change, but apparently that can't happen, atleast not with you.
Coulson: Well, how about we do this mission and maybe that can get you out of this funk.
May: Fine, let me just... who says "funk" anymore?
Coulson: You know, hip people, like me.
May: I'll do it, but no more cooking, we should go back to basic missions.
Meanwhile, Bobbi and Hunter are getting prepared for their mission.
Hunter gets on his gear.
Hunter: You think I should take the bulletproof underwear? Or the bulletproof gloves?
Bobbi: Go for the underwear, no telling what A.I.M. has in store for us. If you know what I mean.
Hunter: I do, I've seen 21 Jump Street. You keep the gloves.
Bobbi takes the gloves.
Bobbi: Thanks, now I can catch bullets.
Skye (To Bobbi): What are you guys going to do exactly?
Bobbi: We need to track down the only two known associates of A.I.M., James Cook and Spencer.
Hunter: And I'm hoping if we find them, Spencer actually has a last name. Imagine going through your life just being known as "Spencer", confused with all the people who have that name? Sounds quite bad, doesn't it?
Skye: Uh, okay. Well I have to go undercover, in Hydra. Yay!
Hunter: You're going like that, I don't think that's a very good cover.
Skye: No, I didn't get in disguise yet Hunter. Gosh, you're being dumber than usual, what's up?
Hunter: Sorry, I get nervous when we have to go on these missions.
Bobbi: You should've seen him the day the Inhumans attacked the boat, made Patrick the Star look like Einstein.
Skye: Wow.
Coulson walks in.
Coulson: Skye, I just talked to May, she's on board. Let's get into the Quinjet soon.
Skye: You got it boss.
Coulson (To Bobbi & Hunter): You two need to skydive out.
Bobbi: What? Why can't we use a Quinjet like you guys?
Coulson: We have two missions and one Quinjet Agent Morse, do the math.
Bobbi: Fine, just let me get my parachute.
Coulson: Actually, we only have one parachute, good luck.
Coulson throws it on the ground and walks off.
Bobbi: One parachute? It's a spyplane, why do we only have one parachute?
Skye: I think FitzSimmons are doing some experiment with the other ones.
In FitzSimmons' lab.
Fitz finishes building a fort with all the Parachutes.
Fitz: Finally, come on Simmons. Now we have to play Truth or Dare.
Simmons: Finally, let's go. I need to ask you guys about a shipping pair called Skimmons, why do so many people ship me with Skye?
Mack: Shouldn't we get working on Spider now? All you two have done is giggle over nothing, and now you want to play Truth or Dare after thirty minutes, they haven't even left yet!
Fitz: You can play with us. Isn't there anything you've ever wanted to ask us or action you want us to preform, now your chance.
Simmons: We'll give you a fair turn, even if you are, well, an assistant.
Mack imagines that.
Daydream
Fitz and Simmons skydive off of the Globemaster after Bobbi and Hunter.
Simmons and Fitz open their parachute.
Simmons: Atleast we did our dare.
Reality
Mack: Okay, I'll do it.
Coulson, May and Skye get ready.
Skye: We need disguise, right now.
May: They're going to apply them on the Quinjet.
Coulson goes to Bobbi and Hunter:
Coulson: You ready?
Bobbi: Ready to jump out of a plane while tied up to my ex-husband, sure.
Hunter: I'm all for doing it.
Coulson: Excellent.
Coulson opens the plane door.
Coulson: GO NOW!
Bobbi and Hunter jump out, Coulson closes it.
May: That was quite unpleasant.
Trip and Peter
Location: A.I.M. Facility
Peter: What's your story, new blood?
Trip: Don't get fresh with me, Peter. You've been in here, how long?
Peter: Three hours.
Trip: Figures, let's just sit here, in silence.
Peter: Okay.
Peter starts tapping his hands on the ground.
Peter: I wonder how the Pet Shop is doing? Did the Canaries get out? Did nobody clean up on craptime?
Trip: I said stop talking to me.
Peter: I'm talking to myself. I'm lonely in here. Just wish I had my Spider again, my precious.
Peter makes a Gollum face.
Trip (To Peter): That's perfectly normal & sane.
Peter: Why Mack, why did you take Spider?
Trip: Wait, Mack has Spider, nice!
Peter: Yes, why is everyone shocked by that? He's had it for chapters.
Trip: I've been locked locked away in my plotlines for so long, I can't even remember what my mission was. We were supposed play with Spider or something.
Peter: That's sad, you seem like a nice guy.
Trip: Nice doesn't cut it with S.H.I.E.L.D., ever since that whole debacle with the Obelisk back in season 2, no one treats like I'm an actual member of the team.
Peter: Well, you did die.
Trip: Ahem right in front of you.
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Trip: Whatever, I'm not the type of guy to feel bad for myself.
Peter: ...we have to get out of here.
Trip: How, they have guards everywhere?
Peter: Then we take them out, I know this place Trip.
Trip: Oh so, now he gets my name right?
Peter: I had to go in here and make a deal with that creep in the shadows, that's how I got Spider, well that and Captain Cook had to tell me about it.
Trip: I might be able to slip out of my cuffs if I rub them hard enough against that iron door, something about the sweat on my hands makes it comes right off.
Peter: Sweet! I'll do it too.
Trip: Don't be copying me fool, find your own way to get those off.
Peter: Really? You're doing this now?
Trip: Fine, but I get to copy something you do when we get out.
Peter: Deal, lemme do it first!
Hydra Base
Ward: Okay, next.
A kid comes on the stage with a radio.
Kara: What's your na...
He turns on the radio and starts doing the robot dance to the song.
Ward gives a one.
Kara gives a one.
Bakshi gives a ten.
They both look at Bakshi.
Ward: Next! Where the hell do all these kids keep coming from?
A man in a unitard and a hola hoop gets on stage.
Man: Hello, my name is Ben, and I will be auditioning, with the song Friday by Rebecca Black. Done with gymnastics involved...
Kara: For the last time, this is not singing competition!
The Man gets off the stage.
Bakshi: Twenty-Five auditions, not one new employee out of any of them.
Ward: You guys think we should just close this up? Everyone is either under the age of eight, physically and/or mentally, or thinks we're doing a musical.
Bakshi: Maybe, we should.
Kara: I thought this idea sucked from the beginning.
Coulson, Skye and May walk are standing outside.
Coulson: How do you guys like your new disguises?
Skye (Blonde Wig, blue contacts): I'm Jordana Smits, an accountant from Canada?
May (Short blue wig, green contacts): I'm Lola Landry, a hipster rocker from Texas?
Coulson: Get into character, we're going in soon.
Skye: Coulson, who are you supposed to be exactly?
Coulson (dressed in a beanie, sunglasses, dreadlock wig and a rainbow blanket over him): I'm a Caribbean stoner and folk-dancer named Khenan Karlton. (Accent) Now let's go inside and rock the judges a new one, eh fam.
Skye: That's so racist, I'm not even touching that.
Coulson: I haven't washed it in weeks, so you definitely shouldn't. Why is it racist though?
May: Be realistic, you're a fifty something year old white guy dressed in a rainbow blanket, a beanie and sunglasses, doing a Caribbean accent. That doesn't strike you as slightly offensive?
Coulson: No.
May: I'm not arguing with you, let's just go in.
The three of them walk into the Theatre.
Ward: And who are you three?
Coulson: He's doesn't recognize us, awesome. (Accent) Yo, man, I'm Khenan Karlton, Caribbean folk dancer man.
Skye: I'm, Jordana Smits, a like, banker or something from Vancouver.
May: I'm the hipster, name's Lola, I think.
Ward (To Kara & Bakshi): Am I the only one who thinks these guys are acting weird?
Kara: Yes.
Bakshi: He says "man" twice in the same sentence, must really know what he's talking about!
Ward: What can you do that's evil, or Hydra-esque?
Skye: We can, do scary things.
Coulson: Like scare people, you know what I'm saying fam?
May: Definitely bro, you three just watch and learn.
Coulson, May and Skye start making scary faces at each other, pretending to be scared of them.
Ward: I don't know you guys, the Caribbean one is a little on the racist side.
Bakshi: We can't kick someone out of Hydra for being racist, we were originally part of the Nazi Party after all.
Kara: Besides, who else here has been even villainous at all?
Ward: Both good points, we might have to take, I feel a strange kinship with them as well. Weird, huh?
Bakshi (To S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents): We think you're right for Hydra.
May: Really, not that I care.
Skye: Oh golly gee, that's fantastic.
Coulson: That's a wonder fam, thanks a bunch.
Ward: Three new employees, something feels odd about them, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Kara: Meh, I don't notice it.
S.H.I.E.L.D. Icon
Coulson: We'll return in a moment.
Bobbi and Hunter are Skydiving out of the plane.
Hunter: BOBBI!
Bobbi: WHAT HUNTER?
Hunter: I'M PRETTY SURE I LEFT THE FRIDGE OPEN BACK ON THE PLANE!
Bobbi: GREAT!
Hunter: I TRIED TO MAKE MYSELF A SANDWICH BUT I REALIZED MACK HAD USED UP ALL THE SALAMI AND THEN DECIDED I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO IT. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY JUST TAKING IT ALL FOR HIMSELF, OTHER PEOPLE WANT SALAMI YOU JERK! WOW, MY THROAT REALLY HURTS FROM THIS SCREAMING.
Bobbi and Hunter expand their parachute, but land into a mud puddle, which breaks their fall.
Bobbi: Gross, is this mud? Atleast it broke our fall.
Hunter checks his pockets.
Hunter: Good my Apple Pies didn't get dirty.
Bobbi: You brought Apple Pies?
Hunter: Yeah, two of them actually, from McDonalds I'm pretty hungry and didn't eat my sandwich. Decided it would be nicer for both of us to bring two though.
Bobbi: Hunter, thank you.
Before Bobbi can grab one Hunter puts both of them in his mouth.
Bobbi looks at him.
Hunter: What?
All New, Next Tuesday
Ward: I don't know who you are, or what you want, but I know you have no place in Hydra. I have a very specific skill set, that I will use to find out who you and your buddies are!
Coulson (Accent): Good luck fam.
The Agents are looking for one of their own.
Bobbi and Hunter are walking through the forest.
Hunter: Where exactly did we Skydive from?
Bobbi: I don't know, I assumed somewhere near an A.I.M. headquarters.
They see an abandoned cabin.
Hunter: Gulp.
While others are looking for some fun
Fitz, Mack and Simmons are playing Scattergories.
Simmons: Letter is F and category is a type of exercise.
Mack: I'm not gonna say it.
Trip and Peter are wondering through the halls of the A.I.M. Facility
Trip: Who's coming up to us?
Man in shadows: That would be me.
Before he can be revealed...
Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.