(the things you do to me...)
"shit," i say as i run a hand through red curls. i don't even wince as i pull some out. there's no pain. none at all. i'm sitting in your bathroom as you are in the other room. we're studying for our exams tomorrow. you're helping me with my gym and i'm helping you with all of your academics (such a trial really), but you fell asleep. i could not bear to wake you up. instead, i had just covered you with a blanket and made sure nothing harmful was in your way as i made my way to the bathroom. now i'm sitting here in the bathroom running my hand through my red, red curls. when did it start turning like this?
"ah! kyle! i love you! you're my super best friend!"
the words you say never mean the same to you as they do to me. they use to be so trivial, but now... i put my face in my hand tugging more red hair. i fear the love i have for you is no longer platonic, and it hurts. it tastes bitter flowing from my mind to mouth. i sit up from the toilet and walk to the bath climbing inside the tub pulling my knees to my chest. i have to think. thinkthinkthink. i'm an idiot. only fictional idiots fall in love with their best friends. not me. notmenotme. not you. never you.
the taste of this bitter love is from my mind and on my tongue as i struggle not to choke it out, to vomit out the acrid taste.
and i watched you pass my bedroom window, hair carressing your face like raven wings. your eyes were light and looking at better things than me. like her face and her hand intertwined with yours, not mine.
so bitter.
counting to nine...
i am crying all over again. in your sink, in your shower, all over your bathroom floor. you don't know it. i make sure of it. i make sure to keep quiet in your bathroom. i don't want you to ever know. this love is bitter, but it is all mine. pain is a heavy pill, and i don't want to have to share it with you. "shitshitshit," i say again, as the sobs increase. i would blame the puffy eyes on my allergies tomorrow when you ask, and the runny nose too. you would never notice. please never notice.
just like you never do.
(why can't you be mine?)