Olivia was in bed that night, thinking about everything that had happened today. She couldn't believe the she had almost lost Brian. What would she do without him?
She was sad and angry at the same time. Not angry at Brian. Angry at herself. They hadn't been intimate since her attack. Brian never once brought it up, knowing that she wasn't ready and not wanting to make it a big deal. That didn't stop Olivia from feeling guilty.
If she wasn't going to give it to him then he would get it from someone else. That thought had always been in the back of her mind but, tonight, it was all she could think about. Olivia was shaken from her thoughts when heard footsteps and knew Brian had arrived.
Brian walked into their bedroom and saw Olivia lying in bed.
When she saw him, she turned to face the other way.
Brian got undressed then lay down next to her. "Liv, can we talk?"
"There's nothing to talk about Brian." Olivia was exhausted. She didn't want to have this conversation. She was way too emotional to think straight.
He moved closer to her. "Olivia, nothing happened. You have to believe me."
"I do believe you," she whispered and kept her back to him.
"Please look at me," he begged.
"I believe you, okay? Can we just go to bed? It's been a long day."
Brian can hear the sadness and anger in her voice. He knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with this tonight so he let out a sigh and nodded, even though she couldn't see him. "Yeah." He gave her a kiss on the head. He turned the other way, wanting to give her space for the night.
After ten minutes, Olivia's soft even breathing was the only sound in the room, indicating that she was sound asleep. However, Brian lay there wide awake with the events of the night replaying in his head. He felt like an ass for putting her through that. He could only imagine the look on her face, having to sit in that car with her partner, listening to her boyfriend with another woman. Although, nothing happened but a few kisses, she didn't know that. Brian hated to be put in that situation but, he had to make it seem real in case the officers were listening in on them.
The only thing she heard was his moans of pleasure. Well, what she thought were moans of pleasure. After what she had gone through with Lewis, Brian knew she wasn't ready to be intimate and he never pushed her on that subject. He never even brought it up because, to him, it wasn't a big deal. He knew she felt guilty for it and it kills him that she had to listen in to what she thought was going on with another woman.
Brian looked over her, amazed at how peaceful she looked when she slept. She had been to hell and back but, she was still the strongest person he had even known. That's one of the things he loved about her. No matter what she had been through or what she's going through, she would always find a way to push through. Olivia has faced so many challenges throughout her lifetime. Brian knew about her difficult childhood and all her failed relationships. He knew about everyone that has let her down, including her old partner. He prayed that he would never be on that list. He wanted to be there for her, no matter what happens. He loves her. He was truly in love with Olivia Benson. He never expected that the Olivia Benson he met 13 years ago would be the love of his life today. Brian smiled at the idea.
Brian scooted closer to her and held her to closely to his chest. He loved how peaceful she looks and he wanted her to feel safe as he held her while she slept.
SVU~SVU~SVU~SVU
The next morning, Brian woke up at 9 am and saw that Olivia had already left. He knew she had a therapy session before work.
Olivia sat across from Dr. Lindstrom, waiting for him to start.
The doctor cleared his throat. "Olivia, how've you been since the last time we met up? Have you talked to Brian at all about what happened?"
Olivia looked at the ground. "I didn't tell him what happened but, we talked about it. He was upset that I was pretending to be fine when I wasn't. He just wanted me to tell him I wasn't ready to talk about it instead of telling him I was fine. So I told him that I wasn't ready and he was okay with that."
"So you feel better now?"
She shook her head. "Not really."
"Why not?"
She looked up at the doctor and she really wasn't in the mood to talk about it but, he was there to help and she needed help. "I feel guilty."
Dr. Lindstrom shifted in his seat. They were getting somewhere. "What is it that you feel guilty for? Not telling Brian what happened?"
"No, well yeah but, I mostly feel guilty for holding him back."
The doctor nodded. "And how are you holding him back?"
Olivia closed her eyes, feeling the tears forming. She had kept this in since the whole thing with Lewis happened. She needed to talk about it and finally let it out. She opened her eyes but, kept them focused on the ground. "Brian went undercover for a case we were working on. My partner and I were his lookouts. Brian was assigned to the officer, who we suspected was raping women. The officer and his usual partner took Brian to a club or something at the end of their shift, and a woman took Brian to private room. My partner and I could hear him through the radio-" she paused, wiping away at the few tears that fell from her eyes.
"What did you hear?" The doctor hoped it wasn't what he thought.
Olivia took a breath and continued, "All we heard was moaning coming from both of them but, he swore that it was nothing."
Dr. Lindstrom handed her a tissue. "Do you believe him? Or do you think something more happened?"
She shrugged. "I really want to believe him but, I don't know."
Dr. Lindstrom could sense there was more that she wasn't telling him. "You said that you feel guilty? Why does that make you feel guilty?"
"Brian and I have not been intimate since it all happened. He's never brought it up but, I know that it's something he thinks about." She started picking at the dirt under her fingernails. "I feel guilty for not being able to be intimate with him. I mean, if he's not getting it from me, he'll get it from someone else."
The doctor leaned forward. "Olivia, you shouldn't feel guilty about not being ready. You have been through a lot and it's understandable that you're not ready. I'm sure Brian understands that."
Olivia just shrugged and kept quiet.
"Do you think he's cheating on you?"
She quickly looked up. "No, I just think that he'll eventually get tired of waiting for me to be ready. I know that he probably got turned on by that woman, whether something happened or not. It's been over two months and he is a guy so I don't blame him."
"Olivia, you need to be ready. Don't worry about Brian. I'm sure he's willing to wait. You just need to focus on yourself, okay?"
Olivia nodded. "I'll try."
SVU~SVU~SVU~SVU
Olivia got to work an hour after her session. It was a slow day and they were working on paperwork until a case came in. Well Olivia and Amanda were working on paperwork. Fin and Nick found more enjoyment in flicking a paper football around.
Fin flicked it in Olivia's direction, seeing that she was deep in thought. As soon as it hit her head, laughter filled the room.
Olivia looked up and glared at Fin, trying to hold back the smile threatening to escape her lips. "Will you guys stop it with this stupid thing," she said as she threw it in the trash.
"Oh c'mon, Liv, we're only messing with you," Fin replied as he leaned back in his chair. He leaned a little too far as he found himself slam to the floor.
They all busted out laughing and Fin couldn't help but laugh along.
"That's what you get," Olivia told him with a grin then walked away.
The detectives got back to their paperwork. A few minutes later, they saw Brian walking in to the squad room.
"Cassidy, my man," Fin exclaimed.
"Hey guys, is Liv here? I tried calling her and she wasn't picking up."
"She's in the locker room," Nick replied.
Brian nodded at Nick and walked in the direction of the locker room.
Olivia closed her locker and looked up when she heard the door.
"Hey."
"Uh hey, what are you doing here?" she asked.
"I tried calling you to see if you wanted to grab some lunch. You weren't picking up so I figured I would drop by."
She checked her phone. "Sorry, I just saw the call. I'm actually not really that hungry."
"Oh, did you have a big breakfast?"
"Just some coffee. I'm just not hungry right now."
Brian looked at her and saw that she wouldn't even look at him. "You want to go for a walk then, maybe talk?" He really wanted to talk to her about last night.
Before she answered he added, "It's clearly slow so don't make that excuse that you have work to do."
She let out sigh. "Brian, I really don't want to talk about this right now."
"Then when should we talk about it, Olivia?" He asked, trying to hide the frustration in his voice.
"What's there to talk about, Brian? I already told you I believe you."
"No because if you believed me you would be able to look me in eyes which you haven't done since before this case."
She looked at him, in the eye this time. "I'm not going to fight about this. I'm already having a shitty day and it barely even started so just drop it."
He walked up to her. "No, I'm not going to drop it. I was doing my job. I haven't done anything wrong."
"Your job is having sex with some slut?" she asked, harshly.
Brian looked like he had just gotten punched in the face. "First of all, I never had sex with anyone since we have been together. Second of all, you said you believed me and it's obvious that you don't." This time he didn't hide his frustration.
Olivia quickly wiped away hers. "Brian, I really can't do this right now," she said, weakly. "Can we please just drop it?"
"No, we haven't talked about anything that has happened because you didn't want to talk about it. And I've always dropped it whenever you would ask but, not this. We're going to talk about this now," he replied. He needed to know what was going on in her head. He's dropped every other subject because she had asked him too, but not this time.
Olivia looked at him in shock. He was always willing to drop a subject when she felt uncomfortable and now he wanted to talk about it. Now, when she was at work. Now, when she had a difficult session this morning.
"We can do this when I get home tonight. I'm not doing this here." She tried to walk past him but he grabbed her arm.
"You don't get to call the shots about this." He gripped her around the waist.
Olivia quickly pushed his hands away. "Get your hands off of me! I don't care that you screwed another woman! I don't care that I don't believe you! Just leave me alone!" She tried to push past him but, he wouldn't budge.
Brian held her still, even though she kept trying to get out of his grip. "Olivia stop. Listen to me; I didn't have sex with her. We kissed but, that was it. I was undercover and I had to make it look real. It was nothing more than that," he calmly explained to her.
Olivia just stood there with tears falling from her eyes.
Brian tried to wipe them away but, she wouldn't let him. "Olivia, why would I ever do that to you? Don't you know how much I love you? Don't you know that I would never let anyone get in between us?" he tried again.
Olivia took a deep breath and wiped her face. "I just feel guilty."
Brian looked at her, confused. "What are you talking about? Feel guilty about what?"
"Can we sit down?" she asked. She had to tell him before this gets out of hand. She had to be honest with him. She wasn't ready to tell him about what Lewis had done to her but; she had to tell him this.
He led them to the bench and sat down next to her. "Talk to me," he said and wiped her face. This time, she let him.
"Brian, I know that the whole Lewis thing got in the way of our relationship. We haven't had sex in over two months and I don't want to hold you back. I don't want you to feel stuck in this relationship because you feel bad for me. You deserve someone who is ready to give you everything you want."
"So you think I'm going to cheat on you because we haven't had sex in a while? Liv, you need time and I'm willing to wait until you're ready. I would never even look at another girl. I'll wait forever, if that's what it takes." He lifted her chin so that she was looking at him.
"Really?" she whispered.
"Well maybe not forever. You're too hot to resist," he joked.
She let out a small laugh. "Thanks for making me talk about this."
"Thanks for not killing me. You looked like you were ready to pull your gun out and shoot me," he joked again.
She smiled and shook her head.
Brian kissed her forehead and she leaned into him. "Olivia, I promise you that nothing happened with that woman. We kissed and that was it. I didn't feel anything for her or anyone else. And I would never even think of being with another woman, now that I have you. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would never ruin that."
She looked up at him. "Okay, I believe you."
"Promise?"
"Promise." She smiled and kissed him softly.
SVU~SVU~SVU~SVU
Olivia sat at her desk after she had walked Brian out. She knew that the squad probably heard their fight but, she hoped they didn't hear what it was about. She didn't want them to hear her insecurities.
Fin and Amanda kept their attention on their paperwork while Nick glanced at her. He leaned over his desk slightly and whispered, "Everything okay?"
She nodded. "Everything is fine."
Nick nodded and didn't push it any further, seeing that he was not going to get anywhere with this conversation.
So what'd ya think?
I would love some suggestions/advice/feedback. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! :D