This is where the shit begins to hit the fan, so you all might as well give up hope for happy feelings in this fic for a while. You've been fairly warned. =]
I hear you label me a liar…
Gojyo
I was only gone for two and a half hours. One hour to walk there, one hour to walk back, about twenty minutes of dealing with Loki, and a cushion of ten minutes, for good measure.
Not too bad. I mean, Hakkai will still be mad at me for running off on him when I get home, but right now, it's the least of my problems.
Loki wants me to help him rip off Keiun temple. I bought myself a few days, but I don't know what good it'll do. I do know that I definitely can't go through with that, or my life will get fucked up beyond repair. Even if Sanzo and the others never find out, the guilt will probably eat at me until I tell them on my own, and then…
But, no reason to freak out about it now, as long as I can come up with a plan to get out of the heist.
The smartest thing to do is go home and tell Hakkai.
Still, if I come right out and own up to working with Loki, he's gonna' be pissed off, and he'll probably lecture me for hours. It won't be like Sanzo's quick 'don't do anything that'll bite me in the ass'.
More importantly, I don't want him to know I've been working with Loki. I don't want him to know how weird things are around here. He needs to go back to school thinking I've got a handle on everything.
And most importantly, I do not want to drag him into a fight with Loki's gang
So what do I do?
I could tell him I heard about the heist on the grape vine, or that I overheard Loki's guys talking about it. He might believe that. Then, knowing him, he'll probably come up with something right off the top of his head to solve the issue—he's not going to want to start a fight without having a good reason—I'm sure he'll have some genius, non-violent solution. We could even use the idea of me doing the reconnaissance to our advantage, if I pitch it to him like it's an idea I came up with myself.
Yeah, that seems like the best thing to do. So delivering the drugs tomorrow is going to be the last thing I do for Loki, and I'm more than fine with that.
All this will get worked out at some point, so there's no reason to worry about it. Right now, what I do need to worry about is the fact that Hakkai's going to be angry when I get home, and he'll want to know where I went, so on my way back, I put some thought into how I can deal with that. First, I grab a pizza, and that takes up my last eight-hundred yen, but he'll be glad he doesn't have to cook. Now, I'm thinking of an excuse. It's easier when I'm alone and it's quiet and I can actually focus.
Here's the story, Hakkai:
Today when I got that note, it was from Rong, who as you know, wants to kick my ass and put me in my place—that's why it got me all freaked out—the note said to meet him in a half hour so we could work shit out, and when I didn't go over there right away, he got pissed off and came to beat me up. That didn't work out for him, and now I feel bad about the whole thing, because Rong and me have been running buddies a long time, and it's not cool to let that fall apart over some stupid comment I made when I was drunk. But I know he gets off work at eight, so I had to hurry to catch him, because I didn't want to show up at his house and have to talk to him and his girlfriend. I didn't want Hakkai to go with me, because that might look too intimidating, and, the only truth in the story: I told him I didn't want him to come because it was the only thing I could think of to make him stay behind.
It's not a perfect story, but it's good enough, and if there are any gaps in it that he has questions about, I'll just have to make up answers for them in the spur of the moment.
On the other hand, it's close to perfect, because he'll be happy I'm trying to make amends with Rong, and he'll think I'm acting like an adult, and he'll completely understand why I had to rush off and why I was distracted all night, and why he wasn't allowed to come. We'll move past it like dudes, have some pizza, drink some beer, maybe play a little more cards, and go to bed feeling like everything is cool, then tomorrow, I'll tell him Rong and his girl invited me to lunch just so we can really clear the air, and that's how I'll get to Kumotte to make Loki's drop.
Hell, let's go the extra mile. I'll sleep in my bed tonight, just so I can grab the drugs that are stashed under my mattress, and he won't think that's weird either. In fact, he'll be thrilled, because even though he hasn't said anything about it, I can tell he's not cool with me sleeping on the couch every night.
Then, when that's all over, and I've got the money for delivering the heroin, I'll lie to him and tell him I overheard about Loki's heist, he'll come up with some plan or other, I'll suggest the recon idea, which will fit in perfectly with setting Loki up, then I'll probably even get paid the four million yen, which I can definitely use if I'm going to be looking for a new way to make money, and then we can shut Loki down before Hakkai goes back to school. It's perfect.
Who knows? If this all goes right, maybe Hakkai will leave at the end of the week assuming I'm doing just fine. And why not? I am doing just fucking fine. Everything is totally, totally cool.
Things will be even better after I make that drop tomorrow—I really don't want to be caught up in the middle of a gang war.
The house is in sight, and I'm whistling and smoking a cigarette. The pizza is still hot, and it smells fucking awesome, and I'm starving, and Hakkai's around. I'm not drunk for the first time in weeks, I've got it all worked out how I'm going to fix the mess I made, and this could be the best night I've had in months.
Loki's gonna' be sorry he even thought about ripping off Sanzo.
It all starts right here with making up with Hakkai and convincing him I went to see Rong.
I just have to remember, even if he's mad when I go in, as long as I stick to the story and make him hear me out, things will work out perfectly. He's going to listen to me, I know that, because he's going to want to listen to me. He's going to want to believe things are as cool as I say they are, and as long as I'm convincing, he will.
On the front step, I take a deep breath, run through my story one last time, and then go in. "Heeey, I'm back."
The house looks even cleaner than the way I left it, so he probably went into some neat-freak cleaning frenzy after I went out, because he was mad as hell. It smells like candles are burning somewhere, but it doesn't smell like he's been cooking, so my pizza is going to be more than welcome, whether he's annoyed or not.
Hakkai's sitting at the kitchen table with Jeep roosting on his shoulder, not moving, just looking at me. He doesn't say anything.
I grin at him, "I picked up dinner."
He still doesn't move. In fact, I don't think he's even blinked yet.
There's a weird, tight, little frown on his face that I can't understand at the moment, but it'll clear itself up when he starts talking to me, which should be any second now.
"Supreme, like you like. With all the onions and mushrooms and peppers and healthy crap you're into." I set the pizza on the table, right in front of him, smiling my absolute best.
He still doesn't move.
"Um." I sit down across from him. Then I bite my lip, just a little. "Look…I know you're mad… Will you just let me explain what happened?"
He's staring straight into my eyes without flinching. It's really kind of freaky. His expression…I can't figure out what it means.
I wait for him to say something—he's got to want an explanation. He's got to be planning to lecture me. He had to have sat here for the last two-and-a-half hours, going over and over how he's going to yell at me and what he's going to say, just like how I went over and over the story I'm about to tell him. So why isn't he doing it?
"Damn, I'm tired." As soon as I say it, I realize it's true. I got plenty of sleep, so I have no right to be, but I am. I'm definitely exhausted. Maybe it's just all this drama I keep having to put up with; I've never been good at dealing with drama.
I scrape the hair out of my eyes and rub my neck, but he's still being weird and quiet, so I figure I better kick things off. "Hey, I'm sorry I ditched you—and I was gone longer than I meant to be—but I had to take care of some business."
Finally, he speaks. But it's that deadly serious tone that usually scares the shit out of me. It's not his normal angry voice. Not at all. He's way angrier about this than he should be.
"What sort of business?"
I'm not ready for that level of anger, and it totally derails my train. "Uhh…it was…"
He slides up out of his chair, smoothly, goes to stand at the sink for a moment, bracing himself there, hunching over, almost like he's going to hurl.
"Dude, you okay?"
"What sort of business?" He repeats, but his tone doesn't change at all. It almost sounds like he knows something he shouldn't.
He didn't follow me to Loki's brothel, did he? Just the idea of that scares the living shit out of me.
Hakkai turns to me, giving me a long, narrow-eyed look. It's his scary face, and that's a face no one wants to see, ever.
"Man, how pissed off are you? I wasn't gone that long-"
Suddenly, he throws something down on the table, and it hits with a loud, smacking sound.
I stare at it.
It's that fat baggie bulging with white powder. It's a half pound of heroin. Loki's goddamn heroin.
Oh. Shit.
Shit.
"Would you mind explaining to me…what in the fuck that is?"
I think it's probably the first time in my life I've heard him say 'fuck' like that, so he is beyond pissed, and now I understand why.
My mind races. Everything I was just about to tell him isn't even important now. He probably couldn't care less where I went or what I did—in fact, he probably assumes he knows exactly where I was and what I was doing. I try to find a good excuse, but I don't have one, because he wasn't supposed to find that. He wasn't supposed to find it, ever.
"Dude." I glare at him. "Not cool. You weren't supposed to go digging through my room-"
"Oh! Is that the excuse you're going to give me? Shift the blame at once? How typical. How in character. And why is that, Gojyo? I wonder? Is it because I might find your stash of illegal substances?"
"No. Because it's my fucking room." I cough.
"Believe me, I couldn't care less about that at the moment; I demand to know what this is."
What should I tell him now? Even my pizza can't fix this.
I sit back in my chair and drag off my cigarette, not answering for at least five minutes, and he just waits. I know he'll wait all night if he has to, but I'm not getting out of here without telling him something, so I try to figure out what the best thing is for me to do. If I tell him the truth, that opens a huge can of worms that I don't even want to begin to deal with, because the truth is, I've been doing a ton of illegal shit lately. Probably the only thing I haven't been doing is the heroin on the table. But I don't want him to know I'm doing work for Loki. I really, really don't.
Especially now with this heist hanging up over my head.
Shit.
Depending on how I handle this, it could wreck everything.
Is it worth it though, to let him think I'm on drugs? Could that be any worse?
If I lie, he's going to think I'm a junky, and he's probably going to freak out.
What about the truth anyway?
Originally, I thought that if Hakkai and the others knew I was working for Loki, they'd be pretty mad about it, but probably not mad enough for it to be a huge deal; now, there's no way I can tell him I deal drugs for Loki and lie about overhearing Loki's plan to raid Keiun. Hakkai's a smart guy. He's going to know Loki asked me to help raid the temple.
What's worse, if I don't help Loki with the recon, he will go up there and shoot everyone who gets in his way, just so he can walk away with whatever it is he wants.
I'm pretty sure if the whole truth comes out, about everything I'm doing, the guys won't believe I'm not intending to do the reconnaissance. If they know what an illegal fuck I've been acting like—and Sanzo knows at least part of that—they're going to figure I've turned on them, and that's going to suck.
Far be it from Sanzo to intervene in my crappy life, but Hakkai and Goku are definitely going to insist that I stop; bailing on Loki will be easier said than done. When I agreed to start working for him, I told him one of the conditions was that I could stop whenever I wanted, and I'm going to stick to that, but I know he'll probably try to kill me when he doesn't have a use for me anymore, and I still don't want to drag Hakkai into a huge, bloody gang fight.
So what about a lie?
Hakkai's going to think I'm doing drugs, and then he's going to freak out, and then he'll probably quit school, move back here to watch over me, or, if he doesn't have time for that, throw me in rehab, or some crazy thing, until it all blows up in my face, and that'll be just about the same as telling him the truth right here and now.
I think what scares me the most about that is that the guys might decide I'm just not worth all the hassle.
Fuck.
He was not supposed to find that.
I'm an idiot for keeping it here in the first place: Loki's pissed, Hakkai thinks I'm depressed and on drugs, and I didn't even get paid for taking it to the buyer. I really wish I'd just dropped it off like I was supposed to.
How do I keep making these incredibly stupid mistakes?
"What is it?" Hakkai demands, harshly.
"Um. I'm gonna' guess heroin." I poke at it. "Could be cocaine though. I'm not really sure-"
"Is this funny to you?"
"Absolutely not." Nothing's ever been truer, because there's nothing funny about this situation at all.
"I don't care what particular substance is in that bag, all I care to know is what drugs are doing hidden in your room."
I sigh and stand up. "All right, look-"
Hakkai gets right in my face the second I'm on my feet, like he thinks I'm going to run or attack him or something, "Don't you dare give me some flippant, stupid, childish excuse for this, Gojyo. I want a full explanation, right now, so sit down and give it to me."
"Dude, what're you, my mother?"
He looks like he could break my neck.
I stay standing, but I do take a step back, "This isn't how it looks, Hakkai."
"Care to clarify what it is you mean by that? Because to me, it looks as if you're either using or dealing narcotics, and in either case, it's not a good conclusion to arrive at."
"See? No. No conclusion-jumping. Like I said, it's not how it looks, so I'm not using or dealing drugs."
"You certainly seem to have a lot of them for not taking either of those actions."
"I know, but I swear to you, it's not like that."
From the way he glares at me, I can tell he's not happy with my answer, and he doesn't believe me at all."
Desperately, I try to think of a way to talk my way out of this. "Isn't that enough, Hakkai? Don't you trust me?"
"Trust you?" He sounds totally outraged, so maybe that was the wrong direction to go.
Nothing to do but run with it now.
"Yeah. I mean, here I am, your oldest, closest, best friend, telling you, promising you, that I'm not taking drugs, and I'm not dealing them, and you don't believe me."
"This is not an issue of trust!" He practically screams, jabbing a finger at the heroin, "This is not an issue of how long we've known each other or how close we are! Do not even begin to attempt to back-pedal out of this by guilt-tripping me and attempting to turn this around and make me look like the one who's acting in the wrong! That, whatever it is, was in your room, and by all means, you should have absolutely no good reason for that, so unless the answer to my question is 'someone else planted it there without my knowledge' do not accuse me of mistrusting you, especially not when, these days, you're the one who's acting as if he can't trust me!"
"No, no, no." I feel panic starting to swell inside me. I don't want him to not trust me. I don't want him to freak out. I don't want things to start falling apart, because I'm not in a good place for putting things back together right now. "That isn't—" I break off suddenly into a coughing fit, which goes on way too long, and is super awkward, because the whole time, Hakkai is just standing there, glaring at me, politely, and angrily, waiting to hear what I have to say.
It finally ends, and I manage to gasp out, "T-that isn't what I meant, okay? I trust you. Yeah, of course I trust you."
"Then tell me what's going on."
"It's a misunderstanding." I'm still wheezing a little, trying to catch my breath.
"This is more than a misunderstanding, Gojyo."
"They're not my drugs, okay? I'm just holding them for somebody."
"Who?"
"That's none of your business."
"Then you have yet to convince me that these are not your drugs."
Suddenly, I sit back down, feeling even more exhausted than ever, and almost light-headed, rub my face, "Oh my God, dude, this is so messed up." I can't tell him the truth. I really, really can't. "They're not my drugs, okay? I don't know how to make you believe that—I can't—you just have to trust me, Hakkai. Please."
Angrily, he grabs the collar of my jacket—that's happening way too often tonight—"I do trust you. I trust you with my very life, Gojyo, and that's the only reason I'm giving you this exclusive opportunity to explain this to me and be honest with me, before I really, really lose my composure."
That sounds like super bad news.
"Again, my trust in you is not what matters in this situation. I found drugs in your room; how is that supposed to make me feel?"
"I-"
"It's bad enough that I've come back here to find you in a state of utter disarray: the house is trashed, you're trashed, there's no food, there's no money, and now this stash of drugs. What am I supposed to think?"
I could definitely see his point there. Hakkai already thinks I'm acting weird, and now there are drugs in my bedroom—I know exactly what he's supposed to think, if I can't give him a good alternative.
Too bad I don't have one.
I try one more time.
"I'm not doing drugs."
"Why do you have them?"
"I'm holding them for somebody else."
"Who? And why?"
"Because."
Apparently he's had enough. He shakes his head and grabs the baggie off the table, turns toward the sink. "I'm going to dispose of this."
I get up again, fast. "Wait, wait, don't do that."
"Why shouldn't I?"
"Shit, why do you think? We can't just go pouring someone else's drugs down the drain, Hakkai."
He studies me a long moment. "Where did you go just now?"
I used to have a great answer to that, and I used to have it figured out exactly how I'd say it, but now all of that is gone. I just stutter, "T-to see Rong."
"Rong? Rong whom you've been feuding with? Remarkable."
"We-"
"Do tell, why have you been fighting in the first place? I seem to recall that you didn't want to disclose that information earlier."
"Nothing. Something really stupid."
"Stupid?" He holds the baggie up. "Stupid like this, perhaps?"
"No."
For some reason, it looks like he's angrier than ever. He throws them down again, and this time the bag bursts along the seam, and some heroin spills out. "Fine. I'm not your parent, and it isn't my responsibility to sort this out, nor is it my job to force you to act responsibly, but keep in mind that when this blows up in your face—because it surely will—I won't necessarily feel inclined to come to your rescue: you may have to deal with the consequences of your carelessness by yourself, for once."
Something…
Something about hearing him say that makes me feel like I'm sinking.
Like I'm drowning.
Maybe it's because those are the exact words I never wanted to hear him say, not because I think I can't deal with the consequences of my carelessness by myself, but because it sounds an awful lot like the first step toward giving up on me completely.
Weird, I never thought before that Hakkai even could give up on me, but right now, knowing everything, being so close to the brink of him knowing those things too…I'm really scared that he might.
I practically fall back into my chair and stare across the kitchen, not answering, not sure how I should answer in the first place. The desperation and the hopelessness in me feels heavier than it ever has before.
Hakkai waits a moment, then he sighs, takes the drugs, and turns away without another word.
Heart clenching, I call after him, "Dude, Hakkai…" But I have no idea what to say, so I stop there. It's just that I can't believe he's walking away from me like that, and it hurts. Fuck. It hurts so much.
"I'll be holding onto these, I believe."
My eyes get huge, and I whip around, but everything I could possibly say gets caught in my throat, and nothing comes out of my mouth.
He goes into my room and shuts the door.
I just told Loki I'd deliver that heroin tomorrow.
Barely thinking about it, I go after him, but the bedroom door is locked. I pound on it, "Hey, man, not cool."
"I don't know what you're referring to, seeing how there are a lot of things that are 'not cool' right now."
"That's not yours."
"Apparently it's not yours either, so I can't see what difference it makes."
"I have to fucking give it back to the person who does own it."
"Oh, I'm sure. You'd love for me to believe that, wouldn't you?"
"Dammit, Hakkai! Give me my heroin!"
The door flies open, nearly hitting me in the face, and I'm looking into flashing, angry, green eyes, "Your heroin now?"
"Slip of the fucking tongue. Give it here."
"Ha! Why would you even ask me to do that? You must know that's absurd."
"Look, you sonnova' bitch, that shit is not mine, and I don't want the asshole who it does belong to coming here and breaking my legs over it, got that?"
"You know, for all the things you've said in the last ten minutes, not one of them has convinced me that this isn't your heroin."
"Use your fucking head, Hakkai. Look how much damn heroin that is—how could I possibly pay for that? I told you over and over I have no money."
"Obviously this is why you have no money."
I could just about rip my hair out. Or his face off. "You have to listen to me. First of all, this is none of your business, Hakkai, whether that's my heroin or someone else's-"
"How is this not my business?"
"How is it?!"
"My best friend may or may not be ruining his life with the most addictive drug known to man, and you're telling me that's not my business?"
"Even if it is your business, that doesn't matter, because I'm not ruining my life with any drugs! And if I don't take that back to the person it belongs to tomorrow, it's going to be a big fucking mess!"
He gives me a long, stern look, but instead of screaming at me, he suddenly asks, "Tomorrow?"
"Yes, tomorrow."
"When?"
"Noon. Why?"
"You're honestly taking this out of here tomorrow and returning it to someone who's asked you to hold onto it for them temporarily? You're not selling it?"
"No, I'm not selling it." It's not really a lie. I'm not getting a yen for the heroin, just my delivery fee.
"Very well then, if that's true, I'll make a deal with you."
"Great. Anything." I cough again, and my throat is starting to hurt from all this damn coughing.
"I'll hang onto this until tomorrow, and then tomorrow, you and I will go together to return it to this person of yours, and that is the only way I'll believe you're telling me the truth."
I can barely stop myself from rolling my eyes.
"Anything less than that, and I'll assume that's a lie, and you're either using or dealing this filth."
"Fine. Deal. Whatever you want, man. Just do not flush it down the fucking toilet."
He cocks an eyebrow at me, and then shuts the door in my face.
I watch a moment, kind of wishing he'd come back, and then I go into the kitchen.
Well fuck. Fuck. Fuck me dead. Now what? If I take Hakkai with me to Kumotte tomorrow and he sees me exchanging money with some asshole he's really going to think I'm a drug dealer. Or else Loki's going to show up—because that dick doesn't care about whether or not Hakkai knows I'm working with him—and then the cat's really going to be out of the bag.
I can't take Hakkai to Kumotte. That will never work out right. No way—if anything, it's going to be even worse than this, if that's possible at all.
Hakkai knowing I'm working for Loki is definitely worse than Hakkai thinking I'm a junky, I decide suddenly. If he thinks I'm a junky, he's going to worry about me and nag at me and do everything he can think of to try to help me get clean, because he's my buddy, and he's like that.
If he knows I do shit for an asshole like Loki, somebody I know he despises, he'll be pissed. If he finds out about the heist…
I'm not sure what he'll do, but it's going to suck a lot. He's probably going to stop talking to me. Maybe he'll just stop associating with me completely.
Does it really matter, Gojyo? Be real. You haven't even seen him or talked to him in a whole year. What difference does it make…? What difference does it make now?
Furiously, I pick up the pizza I brought home and sling it across the kitchen, and it plows through some glasses that are sitting on the counter, drying. They all go flying, and glass scatters across the counter and the sink and the floor.
I put my cigarette out and slink back into the living room and stretch out on the couch, and I think.
There is only one answer I can think of. It's not a great answer. In fact, it's probably a bad idea—a really bad idea—but it's the only thing I can think of. Maybe if Loki wasn't involved, like if the creep wasn't going to just pop up out of nowhere, I could take Hakkai to the meet, and that would be okay. But I can't even risk that someone Hakkai knows is associated with Loki might be there, and that's almost guaranteed, because I fucked up the first meet, and now Loki's going to be keeping an eye on me to make sure that this meet goes off without a hitch, so he'll definitely be sending someone to supervise.
If I can get over this speed bump though, and Hakkai never finds out about Loki, I can get back on track to stopping the heist before it happens, and with any luck, without bloodshed.
All of that leaves only one option.
I have to get back the heroin tonight, without him noticing, and then sneak out early tomorrow, before he figures out what's going on—maybe even before he wakes up—hide out until noon, get to Kumotte on time, do the thing, get my delivery fee, and come home and face the music. The music of my buddy be super annoyed with me, the lecture that always comes with that, no matter what I tell him, and the possibility of winding up in rehab when I really don't need to be there.
Still, even if I do wind up in rehab, I can still tell Hakkai what I overheard about Loki trying to rip off Keiun. Kumotte is the perfect place to accidentally overhear shit like that.
I could still make this work out okay. Not as perfect as before, but at least okay.
The only thing I definitely can't do is miss the meet tomorrow, because that will turn into a huge, huge problem with either Loki or Rashii. Maybe even both.
I wait until it's good and late: three A.M, dead of night, when he's definitely asleep, and he's definitely not waking up for at least another four hours, and I don't sleep a wink, because I'm way too wound up, and then I get up, take off my boots, and sneak, as quietly as I possibly can, down the hall, to my room, praying the whole way that he didn't lock the door.
Lucky for me, he didn't, because he didn't think he needed to.
That makes me feel guilty, because that means he's trusting what I told him, and that means he's not totally convinced yet that I'm a junky or a dealer.
I really hate that I'm about to betray his faith in me.
I took the curtains down a long time ago, and moonlight is coming through the windows, so I can see well enough. Hakkai's lying flat on his back, like he always does, perfectly still and peaceful, breathing evenly, with Jeep curled up next to him, fast asleep.
I don't see the heroin anywhere, but I can probably figure out pretty easy where it is. The bedside table would be too obvious. He's not going to stick it back under the mattress, because that's overkill. I know he wouldn't go putting it anywhere else in my room, because it doesn't belong here, and Hakkai is a 'a place for everything and everything in its place' kinda' guy.
I figure it's under the pillow, where it's just secure enough, just close enough that he won't lose track of it, but easy to access too.
If it's not under the pillow, I'll have to deal with that, but it's definitely the first place to check.
Holding my breath, I ease my way across the room, moving slowly and taking measured steps, from heel to toe. I know this place well enough that I know the spots that creak, so I can work my way around them, and he cleaned my room while I was gone, so the floor is spotless and there's nothing to trip over. As I go, I keep my eyes fixed on his face. He can probably sense me in his sleep, but he knows who I am, and he expects my presence to be nearby, so he won't be able to pinpoint whether I'm here or in the living room. Still, I expect him to open his eyes and look at me and say 'what are you doing' at any given second.
My heart is slamming. My lungs are aching. I can feel a cough coming on, but I have to suppress it, whatever the cost. I can't risk waking him up.
I'm close. Just a few more steps to the bed.
I exhale very slowly and inhale again, freeze to make sure he didn't hear me and wake up, but he's still not twitching.
Painfully slow, I start to move again, creeping a few steps closer until I'm at the foot of the bed. I stop there to get my bearings, still fighting the tight feeling of the cough that's building in my chest.
Carefully, I start to sidle along the edge of the bed, skirting around it, making my way to the head of it.
Jeep rustles his wing and chirps quietly.
I stop dead again, counting seconds as I wait for something to happen, the tightness in my chest worse than ever.
Hakkai doesn't move. I don't think he woke up.
I still wait an extra moment, heart pounding, before I move again.
Before I know it, I'm at the head of the bed, looking down at his unmoving, sleeping face. His eyelids aren't even shuddering. He's definitely asleep. He definitely trusts me not to be doing exactly what I'm doing now.
It probably didn't even cross his mind that I might do this, because he believed what I told him.
That makes me feel so horrible, I almost turn around and walk out of the room, Loki be damned. Hakkai's trust in me is way more important than what Loki's going to do when I rip him off for a half pound of heroin.
But if I don't take it now, I won't be ripping Loki off. I'll be taking Hakkai to Kumotte, and things are going to go down the shitter, and it'll be worse than what'll happen if I get the heroin out from under his pillow.
Silently, I apologize, and then I reach out my hand, so slowly I almost feel like I'm not moving, closer and closer to the pillow.
It feels like I stand there for hours, barely moving, reaching across one little millimeter of space at a time, hand descending at a rate so slow, it probably looks like I'm just standing still.
Jeep wakes up and looks at me, but he doesn't make a sound. He knows who I am, and he knows I'm not going to hurt his master, and he has no idea what I'm doing, so there's no need to raise an alarm. He just watches with glinting, red eyes as I keep reaching, little by little, toward the pillow.
Finally, I'm there. My fingers brush across the cool texture of the fresh, clean sheets, and then I slip my hand, as slowly as possible, up under the pillow, again, barely moving, not even breathing, in case he feels my breath on his face, eyes always focused on his, until finally, I feel the plastic of the baggie, right at my fingertips.
Bingo.
A little further and I can get a grip.
I take my eyes off Hakkai for one second, just to focus on what I'm doing.
I grasp the edge of the baggie—it feels like the opening, where the zipper is—and I start to pull it, so slowly there's no way he'll feel it moving.
This is going to work. Things are going to be okay. No gang wars for me, thank-you.
An iron grip catches me by the wrist, tight.
I yelp and jerk back, stare down at Hakkai with my mouth hanging open.
He's staring up at me, smiling pleasantly. "Hello. Just what do you think you're doing?"
"I'm…"
"That was rhetorical. I know what you think you're doing."
"Dude, listen…"
"Unfortunately for you, you're looking in the wrong location." He sits up and flips the lamp on, without letting go of my wrist, turns the pillow over, and there's a baggie there, but it's got a couple washcloths in it, not heroin. Maybe he didn't trust me like I thought he did.
"This is not your heroin."
I try again to pull loose, but he's got me tight enough to bruise bone. "Yeah…well…"
"This." He gets the heroin out of fucking nowhere, and holds it up. "Is your heroin."
"It's not mine, okay?"
"Good. Because now that you've gone out of your way to prove to me that I can't trust you with it, I'll be disposing of it."
"Don't do that."
Hakkai stands up smoothly, still gripping my wrist, forces me to the side firmly, but not violently, so he can step past me. He begins walking up the hallway. "You know, earlier, I must admit I may have handled the situation incorrectly; it's really not my place to scream at you, is it? Never-the-less, the fact that you would sneak into where I'm sleeping and attempt to steal something out from under my pillow, when you already agreed to one solution to this problem, really does irritate me."
It looks like he's heading right for the bathroom.
"Hakkai!" I dive after him, making a grab for the bag as I go. He pulls it away, and it slips through my fingers.
"Wait!" I catch him by the arm.
Hakkai looks back at me with infinite patience and calm.
"Don't, dude." I pant, coughing a little now that I finally can. "You don't understand."
"That may be true, but I can't risk the possibility that you're lying to me."
"Alright, I fucked up! We'll take the drugs back tomorrow, I swear."
He just shakes his head at me, "It's very clear that that solution is unacceptable to you, and I can only think of one reason for that."
"Look." I shell my jacket off and show him my bare arms. "See any track marks?"
He's unfazed.
"I know you think you're helping me, but you're not. I need you to back off of my shit and listen to me and believe me, Hakkai."
"I'm sorry, Gojyo, but I don't."
He pulls away easily and goes into the bathroom.
"Goddammit!" I slam against him and we both stagger into the wall, scuffling and fighting over the bag. He pushes me off and I fall back into the shower curtain, ripping it down, jump back up and rush him just before he can drop the heroin into the toilet. We fall over the sink, knocking over all the shaving cream and toothpaste and hair gel that's sitting on the counter, then we're flopping around on the floor, wrestling over the bag, clawing at it and tugging it back and forth.
Hakkai manages to scramble up and stand at arm's length from me, holds up his hand like he's going to keep me back, and he looks all strung out with his clothes stretched and his hair disheveled. He's holding the bag up in the other hand, suspended directly above the toilet. "This is absurd!"
I get up, a little slower than him, holding my wounded side and cursing. "Damn straight…so give that back!"
"The fact that you so badly want it only serves to prove that I'm right."
"You're not right, Hakkai! Why won't you just believe me?"
"I believed you earlier and look where we are now."
"You really think I'm lying to you? Why would I lie to you about this?"
"I don't know, and I can't afford to find out."
He tears the baggie and dumps the powder.
Screaming, I dive after it, but it's too late. He's already flushed, and I'm left grasping at nothing. I watch in disbelief as every last speck disappears down the drain.
"Shit!"
Hakkai stands over me a moment, watching, before he says, "Now we're bound to sort this out: if you don't go into withdrawals tomorrow, I'll believe you."
I'm furious. I'm so pissed I can barely stop myself from standing up and trashing his ass. I can't even think of one good reason not to. I surge to my feet and spin around, using every fiber of willpower in my body not to punch his face in, but I grab both his shoulders and slam him as hard as I can into the wall—so hard the wall cracks where his head hits—and Hakkai gives this surprised, pained, little shout, then looks up at me with wide, shocked eyes, mouth falling open as he stares at me.
For a second, we're right there, face-to-face, the tips of our noses just a hair's breadth from touching, and I'm shaking with fury. I barely recognize my own dark, low voice as I grate out from behind my teeth, "You. Just fucked shit up for me. Really. Really. Bad. Hakkai."
"I-"
I don't care about what he has to say. I throw him to the side, and he almost falls down, then I storm out of the bathroom, back through the house, and outside into the night.
Goku
It's like the fifth time I've knocked, and still nobody's answering me. "Guys!"
Maybe they're not even home.
I knock again, "Hey, guys!"
It's only like eleven. Gojyo's probably still asleep, but Hakkai's gotta' be up by now.
"Hey! Guys!"
Finally, the door swings open, and Gojyo's standing there looking kinda' annoyed. "What?"
"Oh, hey. Sorry…" I have no idea why I'm sorry, other than he just looks and smells so annoyed.
He turns around to walk back in, "Come in."
Inside, it smells like eggs, so I guess Hakkai probably went back to the market at some point. He's in the kitchen cleaning up, with Jeep riding on his shoulder. He looks back to smile at me when I come in, "Good morning, Goku. We weren't expecting you."
"Yeah." I laugh and scratch the back of my head, "Sorry."
"Not at all. It's always a pleasure to have you." He looks at Gojyo, who's just sitting down at the table, like he wants him to agree with him, but Gojyo barely even glances at him, and he just sort of huffs.
"Isn't it?"
"Always."
In those three words they just said to each other, I immediately feel how wrong everything is. Not wrong, maybe. Just off. Like really, really super off. It's even worse than it was yesterday. Hakkai never pushes Gojyo to agree with him, he just accepts his opinion. And Gojyo should at least try to joke about it, even if he's been weird lately. What's with that pouty one-word answer? Like he said it just to get out of the conversation.
Hakkai smiles at me again and echoes, "Always. Would you like some breakfast?"
"Actually, the reason I stopped by was ta' see if you guys wanna' go have lunch with me."
"Oh. Lunch… Yes, well, we've just finished eating breakfast."
"Okay, maybe coffee or tea or somethin' then? See, I was goin' to town ta' meet Dai, and I thought I'd invite ya' along. It'd be cool if ya' met her."
"Dai? Your girlfriend?"
"She's not really my girlfriend. We're just friends." I say, feeling my face turn a little hot. "She really wants ta' meet you guys."
Hakkai shrugs, "Well, of course, that sounds lovely."
Gojyo's at the table, leaning on his fist and staring into space, but he mutters under his breath, "Lovely."
"Do you wanna' go?" I ask him.
"Do I want to go? Sure, I guess. I don't have anything else to do today."
Hakkai shoots him a disapproving look, "You're fortunate in that, I think."
"Yeah." Gojyo laughs, then coughs, "Thanks, buddy, for always making sure I keep my schedule clear so that I can get the really important stuff done."
"As if you have a schedule." Hakkai says dismissively.
"Who needs one? Schedules are a serious waste of time, especially if you're just gonna' wipe the whole calendar clean to run off on some spontaneous, pointless vacation." He gets out of his chair and flicks his cigarette into the sink.
Hakkai gives his shoulder a light push, "You know I don't like it when you do that."
"It's my house, ain't it?"
Without a word, Hakkai slants a glance at him from the corner of his eye.
Gojyo doesn't grin or flinch like he normally would, and he doesn't back-pedal or try to cover up what he just said. He stares at Hakkai. I dunno'…defiantly, I guess.
Eventually, Hakkai smiles at him, really, really nicely, and even chuckles a little, "Then I suppose you can clean it yourself from now on."
"Sure, if I feel like it."
This…is so wrong. It's so wrong and so messed up, I really wish I didn't just invite them to go with me. They're way, way off. I mean, they're sayin' normal stuff, almost, but the way they're saying it, and the way they're looking at each other, and the tension in the air, shows me that stuff is super weird with them today. I almost wanna' know what happened, but I'm not sure.
They stare at each other a little while longer, and Hakkai's still smiling. Finally, he says, "Gojyo, I suggest you change your shirt, or perhaps even take a shower. You don't want to look disgusting if you're going to be making the acquaintance of a pretty, young lady."
"Maybe I should snort something too, while I'm at it. You know, just in case."
I have no idea what that means, but whatever he's talking about, the smile falls off Hakkai's face like an apple falling off a tree, and he frowns and opens his mouth to say something, but Gojyo's already walking away.
When he's gone and the shower's running, I wait for Hakkai to say something to me, but he just goes back to the dishes without a word, and I stand there, awkwardly, really, really wishing I could just run out the door.
Going into town with them feels even worse. If I thought they were out of sync yesterday, they're not even playing the same song today, or somethin' like that. Instead of talking about the weather, it feels like they just ignore each other, and that's weird because I've never seen them ignore each other. If they've got nothing to say to each other, it's that comfortable, easy silence. If they're mad, they bicker. I walk a few steps behind them and watch them go. They're side by side, but there's this…distance between them. Not a real distance, since they're right there, shoulder to shoulder, like always, but it feels like they're miles apart. Like they're isolated. Like neither of them even notices that the other is there. When they do talk, it's just to me.
Gojyo coughs, and that seems worse than yesterday too.
"Are ya' sick?" I ask him, trotting up to walk on the other side of him.
"Naw. I don't think so."
"That cough sounds kinda' bad."
"Is there such a thing as a good cough, monkey?"
"Nn. No, I guess not." I lock my hands behind my head and try to think of something I can say that will make all these bad vibes go away. "Did'ja' guys finally get some groceries?"
"I went this morning and picked up some essential items." Hakkai tells me casually. "But the house is still poorly stocked."
"Yeah? That sucks. How much longer are ya' gonna' be here, Hakkai?"
He looks at Gojyo, and Gojyo purposely looks away from him, staring across the road into the trees.
"I suppose that depends."
That's weird.
"On what? I thought you were stayin' all week."
"It depends on a lot of things."
I wonder if they talked about all the stuff Hakkai wanted to talk about and that's why they're being so awkward and tense.
We go a couple more minutes without saying anything, and suddenly Hakkai seems nervous. He doesn't do anything to show he's nervous, 'cause he's real good at hiding that, but I can feel it and smell it.
After a while, he turns to Gojyo and asks, sincerely, "How do you feel?"
Gojyo's answer is callus and irritated, "I dunno'. Kinda' like I spent all night arguing with some twat monkey who stole something really important from me and flushed it down the toilet."
Hakkai gives him a long, annoyed look. "I don't feel much better."
Yeah. It's definitely worse than yesterday.
We get to the café kinda' early and pick a table outside, 'cause it's a warm day, and we all sit down. Hakkai orders a water, and Gojyo asks for an ashtray as he lights another cigarette.
"Perhaps." Hakkai's voice is a little more cautious than normal. "You should cut back on your smoking, since you do have a nasty cough."
"You're really concerned with my health lately." Gojyo takes a long puff.
It's the first thing they've said to each other in about twenty minutes, and it's the last thing they say to each other for another ten. It's hard for me to make conversation with just one of them, 'cause I don't like feelin' like I'm leaving the other out, and I don't want them to think I'm taking a side. It's also hard to know what I can say, 'cause it feels like they're one bad word away from arguing with each other big time.
It sucks, 'cause I already told Dai about how awesome and cool and funny my friends are, and now Hakkai and Gojyo are being anything but cool and funny.
I wonder if, maybe if I can get them to talk about whatever it is they're mad about, maybe they'll make up real quick and this's'll be more normal.
Sitting back in my chair, I look at both of 'em real hard, one, then the other. Hakkai's stirring the ice in his water around with his straw, looking out at the street, absently, and Gojyo's toying with his lighter, staring down at the table like he's thinking.
"Did'ja have a fight?"
Both of 'em look at me, way surprised, like they didn't think I'd ask that, and then they look at each other.
"Not a fight, necessarily, just a disagreement."
"So, what're ya' mad at each other or somethin'?"
"I dunno." Gojyo drawls, unhurriedly, puts a cigarette out and starts another right away. "You mad at me?"
Hakkai frowns. "No." He taps lightly on the table, glances over at Gojyo a few times before asking, "Are you mad at me?"
Gojyo takes a long, slow drag off his new cigarette and exhales and ashes. "No."
That's a load of crap. It's gotta' be.
"See?" Hakkai's frown turns into an uncertain smile, "No one's angry."
I got no choice but to believe them.
"I told Dai you guys're fun."
"We are fun, monkey. We're just warming up." Gojyo grins at me.
"'Kay. I just don't want this ta' be weird."
"It's not. We're just grabbing coffee right? What's weird about coffee?"
Go figure he's playin' dumb again.
"Not to worry, Goku." Hakkai speaks up. "I assure you we'll all do everything we can in order to make this experience as fun and as light-hearted as possible."
"Yeah, sure. Hey, how'd you meet this chick anyway?"
"I told ya'. I met her when I was walkin' around outside the temple. She lives a couple miles away from there."
"Do you guys hang out a lot?"
"Not a lot a lot. Sometimes I go see her, or we meet up down here."
Hakkai scratches Jeep under the chin, "It seems a long walk for a young lady to make by herself, doesn't it?"
"Dunno'. She always acts like it's cool. She's pretty tough."
"Heh. She's gotta' be, if she's gonna' be with you, Goku-sensei."
"We're not together, stupid, like I said. We're just friends, an' I kinda' like her. I dunno' if she likes me or not."
"She's gotta', if she comes all the way down here just to see you and meet your friends and have a crappy cup of coffee."
I think about it a sec. I guess that makes sense but I dunno', 'cause it seems like it's not that big a deal, comin' over here and havin' coffee with me and my friends. But Gojyo knows a lot about women—at least he acts like he does—so if that's what he thinks, maybe he's right.
I've never had a girlfriend before, so I don't know what's normal.
There's not a lot of time to think about it. I see her come around the corner across the street and head toward us.
"There she is." I smile.
Gojyo and Hakkai turn around in their seats to look, quiet a sec, and then, "Damn, Goku, you do have good taste in women."
I dunno' what he's talking about. I mean, Dai is really pretty, I think. She's taller than a lot of girls. Her long, wavy hair is brown, but it looks red in the sunlight. Her face is really, really pretty, even though she never wears make-up, and she's not super skinny, like the girls Gojyo always chases, but she's not fat either. I dunno' what it is. She's got some meat on her, I guess, 'cause I know she likes to eat.
"She does look lovely." Hakkai says quietly.
Grinning from ear-to-ear, I get up and wave, "Hey!"
Dai smiles too and laughs, then waves back, skips across the street. Today she's wearing this flowing, orange dress with tall boots, and she's got a little backpack on that she always carries when we come down here. She comes over and hops the patio fence, "Hi!"
Dai hugs me quick. She smells like sunflowers in an open field. She's got beads in little braids, and a couple tiny, yellow flowers tangled in her hair, and I could stare forever into her deep, hazel eyes.
I point to the guys, "These're my friends."
"Hi, friends." She waves at them too, smiling still.
"That's Hakkai, an' that's Gojyo."
"Good morning, Miss Dai. We're happy you could join us."
"I'm happy too, Hakkai-san!" She swings her backpack off and drops it at her feet, and I see her little stuffed panda sticking out of the back of it, then she basically falls into her chair. "Goku talks a lot about you guys, so I really wanted to meet you."
"Oh, how nice of you to say. He's told us some wonderful things about you as well."
Dai smiles up at me, squeezes my hand, "Yeah? What a sweetie."
I feel myself blushing again.
She giggles. "We should all get something to eat! I'm starving."
"Yeah, me too! I so wanna' eat right now!" I sit down right next to her.
I hear Hakkai laughing to himself. "How delightful."
Gojyo still hasn't said nothin'. I glance at him; he's keeping his mouth shut, but he's definitely looking her all over, from top to bottom, with that look he gets when he sees a girl he likes. He smirks at me.
I try to smile back, but that look of his bothers me.
Dai's looking at him too. "Gojyo-san? You're quiet—Goku never told me you were quiet."
He's way pro at hiding the way he was just eyeing her, and he puts on his charming 'ladies man' smile. The smile he uses so they won't know he's huntin' them. I don't like that look either. "I'm just stunned. He didn't tell me how pretty his girlfriend is."
She giggles again, and I watch her face turn red, and it's totally cute. "Oh. Um, thank-you."
"She's not really my girlfriend yet." I tell him again.
"Yeah?" Gojyo raises an eyebrow at her. "What's with that?"
Dai's still blushing. "Oh. I don't know… We haven't known each other very long."
"Takin' it slow, huh?" He winks at me. "Don't take it too slow, kiddo', she might get away from you."
"There's nothing wrong with a little discretion, of course." Hakkai takes over, thank God.
"Discretion." Gojyo snorts and kind of snickers, "Sure. Ever heard of doing something just because it feels good, Hakkai?"
"I like to think I do many things purely for pleasure. Never-the-less, there is something in this world known as propriety." Hakkai smiles at Dai and me.
I stammer, "Oh. Uh. It ain't really about that." I glance at Dai, and she looks like maybe she's embarrassed. "It's more that…"
"You don't have to explain it." Hakkai tells me, matter-of-factly, then takes a sip of his water.
Gojyo agrees with him for once. "Yeah. Whatever. It's your life. Propriety's great and all, just sometimes it can be a real hassle."
"How come?"
"Kinda' depends, I guess. People do a lot of dumb shit just 'cause they think it's the right thing to do."
I frown at him, "Yeah, but we ain't-"
"He isn't talking about the two of you." Hakkai tells me quietly.
"Then what's he talkin' about?"
Gojyo shrugs and puts his feet up on the table, and from the glare Hakkai gives him, I get the feeling he did it just to get on his nerves. "Some people are really nosey."
"Some people merely can't help being concerned when they come across something they genuinely need to be concerned about." Hakkai shoots back.
Dai and me look at each other for a sec. She shrugs a little and goes back to the menu.
"In any case, we digress. Miss Dai, have you made the acquaintance of Sanzo yet?"
That gets her to look up at him again right away, "No! It's terrible! Goku talks about his Sanzo all the time, but I never get to see him because he's so busy!"
"His Sanzo." Gojyo mutters under his breath. "Priceless."
Hakkai elbows him, "Would you get your feet off the table, please? Yes, well, Sanzo is indeed a very busy man, but he did practically raise our Goku, so he's not all bad, I assure you. Still, he can be rather rough around the edges."
Gojyo still has his feet on the table, "He can be a straight-up dick, Hakkai."
"I'm sure he'd never behave that way towards Miss Dai."
"Why? I've seen him be a dick to all kindsa' chicks. Bein' Goku's girl isn't gonna' keep him from being a total jerk."
"Yeah, she's not really my girl. We're just friends." I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't believe me.
"Perhaps Sanzo has mellowed out some now that he's gotten a bit older."
"Ha! Yeah right! He's not that old."
"Yes, but being nearly thirty-one, I should think that he might-"
"The hell do you know? You haven't even been around lately, so you don't know shit about who's turned out how."
Hakkai shoots him a look that seems both outraged and hurt, one eyebrow cocked, eyes shadowed and dark, lips curled back a little, like he wants to shout.
Gojyo blows a few smoke rings.
I realize I've been biting my thumbnail for a couple minutes now.
Next to me, Dai is sitting totally still, staring at them.
A few tense moments pass, then Hakkai takes a deep breath, "Would you get your feet off the table now? People eat here, you know."
Gojyo just ignores him.
Dai speaks up, a little loudly, "I'd love to meet Sanzo, really. He should have come with us today."
I take the opportunity to change the subject, gladly, "Yeah, yeah, I tried ta' get him ta' come, but he said he's got lotsa' stuff ta' do, so maybe next time."
"Oh well!" Dai throws her hands in the air, "We should all order some food. Aren't you boys hungry?"
"I'm starvin'."
"Me too! Want to share something with me? We could each order separate plates and then try each other's food. That way we wouldn't have to just decide on one thing."
I smile at her, even though stuff's way awkward right now. "M'kay. Hey, we should do that thing we do."
"Alright, pick something for me!"
I'm laughing too as I check the menu again and choose something I think she'll like, then I turn to her, grinning, "What'dya' choose for me?"
"It's a surprise, Goku-chan!"
"I ordered ya' some-"
"Don't tell me!" She hits my arm lightly.
"Oh, yeah, sorry."
Smiling more, I turn back to the guys, hoping they've cooled down again.
They both look really annoyed now.
I try not to let it bother me, "What're you guys getting?"
"I think I'll just stick with my water for now." Hakkai murmurs faintly.
Gojyo doesn't even answer, just coughs.
Dai makes a sad face at him, "Are you sick, Gojyo-san?"
"What? No. I just-"
"He smokes too much." Hakkai jumps in. "Far, far too much."
"Don't listen to Doctor Know-It-All. I'm cool. Yo, girly, how'd you meet Goku exactly? All he'll tell me is you guys live near each other."
"Well, that's all it was really. My family lives close to the temple, one day I was taking a walk and ran into him. We started talking and just hit it off, then I asked him if he wanted to come down to town with me and have lunch."
Gojyo looks straight at me, "Dude. Seriously?"
"Nn, what?"
He laughs, "She beat you to it?"
"Beat me ta' what?" I don't care if he's gonna' tease me now. Anything's better than watching him and Hakkai fight.
"The 'I'm hungry, let's eat' line, duh! I didn't think that was even possible."
I grin back at him, "I was distracted, I guess."
"Hey, that reminds me." Gojyo turns to Hakkai again, who still looks pretty upset, "That girl you were supposed to have lunch with this week. Did she ask you out, or did you ask her out?"
"What does it matter, Gojyo?" Hakkai asks tiredly.
"Just curious. I guess it's not important though, huh? Since you skipped it to come here anyway."
"What?" I stare at Hakkai, "Ya' passed up a date ta' come here?" I've never even heard of him dating somebody since his old girlfriend died, so it's a huge deal.
Hakkai looks more irritated than ever, "I agreed to lunch arrangements with a young woman, yes, and it slipped my mind that I'd be out of town on the day we agreed upon, that's all."
That really sucked. I mean, obviously he made plans to hang out with a chick and then had to cancel 'cause Sanzo called him back here.
Gojyo rolls his eyes, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. But did you pick that date, or did she?"
"I suppose it was me." Hakkai snarls a little. "What on earth does it matter?"
"I just wanted to know, 'Kai. Damn. Don't get your panties in a bunch."
"Perhaps if you weren't sitting there, with your filthy boots on the table, purposely saying things to get a rise out of me-"
"I'm not trying to get a rise outta' you, I just wanted to know about the fucking date!"
"And now you're shouting at me. That's unnecessary to say the least."
"Well you're bein' a brat about it."
I exchange another nervous look with Dai, who's eyes are wide like she can't believe what's happening.
"For heaven's sake!" Hakkai cries, suddenly, "Gojyo, we're at lunch with Goku and his girlfriend, can't you put what happened last night on the shelf for an hour or two?"
"She's not really my girlfriend, guys. We're friends."
Both of them ignore me.
"It's got nothin' to do with last night."
"What happened last night?" I blurt out, before I can think about whether or not I really want to know.
Dai shakes her head at me, expression horrified.
Anyway, it shuts them up, and they both study me a moment. Gojyo rolls his eyes again and grinds his cigarette out, "Nothing. Hakkai acted like an asshole, that's all."
"I did nothing of the kind!" Hakkai looks angrier than ever, and his voice is exasperated. I don't know if I've ever seen him so ruffled, "I did what I did for your own good!"
Gojyo glares at him, lighting another cigarette, "Shaddup about it, would'ja'? Like you said, we're trying to hang out with Goku and his girl-"
"She's not my girl." I snap.
"Then what the fuck are we all here for?" Gojyo demands suddenly. "Goku, if she's not your fucking girlfriend, I'm gonna' ask her out myself, 'cause she's hot, and she deserves a guy who'll actually man up and ask her to go out with him, instead of dragging her down here so we can watch you guys play patty-cake. Christ, I thought you were on this 'I'm all grown up now' kick."
"Shaddup, moron. It's none of your business if I ask her out or not."
"All I mean is you got a cute girl, and if you like her you should date her."
"Gojyo…" Hakkai says softly, "This isn't the appropriate time for you to be giving Goku advice on women."
I glance at Dai out of the corner of my eye and see how embarrassed she looks.
"Yeah, well I wouldn't even be here if you'd just minded your own business last night, Hakkai."
"What're ya' sayin'?" I snap, "Ya' don't wanna' be here? So scram. You're bein' a dick."
"I'm the dick?" Gojyo whirls around to look at me, mouth falling open, cigarette nearly dropping out of it. "Hey, I'm not the one who invited two unlucky single guys to watch me flirt and eye-fuck with a pretty lady."
"That ain't why I invited ya', dumbass! I just thought it'd be fun!"
"It's not." He sniffs. "Especially not with Doctor Cho over here, riding my ass about every little thing."
"Gojyo." Hakkai tries again, more firmly, "Don't start taking what happened last night out on Goku."
"What the heck happened last night?" I ask again, and this time I really do want to know.
Dai's face is beet red by now. I get the feeling she's getting kinda' upset, and I don't blame her—this is way awkward.
"It's none of your business what happened last night, monkey. Just siddown and keep flirting with your girlfriend."
"For the last time, dick-head, she isn't my girlfriend!"
Dai jumps up suddenly, grabs her bag, hops back over the rail, and starts to walk away.
I get to my feet too, "Dai! Hey, wait a sec!"
She doesn't even glance back at me.
I turn to glare at Gojyo, who's watching her go, about as shocked as me.
"Way ta' go, asshole. Ya' just ruined ev'rything."
"Me? No way, she's pissed at you, Romeo."
"For what? You're the one bein' a jerk."
"You keep saying she's not your girlfriend when she obviously is."
"But she's not!"
"You hurt her friggin' feelings, idiot. Way to go."
"Yeah, well if you weren't bein' such a shit in the first place, about what happened last night, or whatever-"
"Oh, get bent, monkey. You don't know dick about last night."
I practically scream, "I know you're all pissed off 'cause Hakkai moved away, an' now you're bein' a jackass to everybody! That's what I know!"
Gojyo cuts off in the middle of whatever counterargument he was gonna' give and gawks at me with his mouth still open, like he can't believe I just called him on that.
"I dunno' why ya' won't admit it, but I ain't stupid! I know that's what you're really pissed about!"
His eyes turn mean, without warning, "You back-stabbing pieca' shit! It's not my fault your stupid fuck buddy just ran outta' here without a word to anybody! Learn how to handle your goddamn women, Goku, how's that sound? Don't take it out on me that you're too fucking stupid to see that you hurt her feelings, and in the meantime, know what? Don't invite me to chaperone your shitty play dates anymore! Take your goddamn precious Sanzo with you to the playground from now on, 'cause he's your daddy, not me!"
Hakkai grabs his arm and jerks him forward, so his chair's level again, and his feet are on the ground.
Gojyo whips around to glare at him.
For about five seconds, they stare daggers at each other, until I think they're gonna' start throwing punches.
"That's enough." Hakkai growls.
Gojyo keeps glaring at him, but he doesn't say anything else.
It's too late though. I'm already totally hurt.
Hakkai stands up, "Goku, he-"
"I don't give a shit." I go over the rail and run after Dai.
It's easy to catch up to her, but I can't make her stop, and she's walking so fast, I have to jog a little to keep up, "Hey, hey, wait."
Dai doesn't look at me. She's frowning, eyes cloudy, and she looks really beautiful, but I hate to see her angry and humiliated.
"Dai, listen, please?" I try to take her hand. Sometimes she lets me hold it.
Today she just rips away from me.
"What am I? A joke?"
"What? No. No, you're not a joke."
"What did you tell them anyway? I haven't slept with you yet?"
"I didn't tell 'em nothin' about that. I just-"
"Obviously you're not dating me, right? Obviously you're not fucking me. So what am I? I must just be a joke. It's like he said—"
"Don't listen to him." I reach for her again, but she still won't let me touch her. "He's just actin' crazy t'day 'cause-"
"I don't care about what that asshole said!" She yells. "it's you, Goku, saying over and over that I'm not your girlfriend. I mean, just being friends is one thing, but you act like you don't want anything to do with me!"
"What?!"
"'She's not my girlfriend, guys, she's not my girlfriend, we're just friends'. I see how it is—you can be all sweet and nice when we're alone, but as soon as you're around the guys, I'm nobody."
"I didn't mean it ta' seem that way. He was pissin' me off-"
"Look." She stops suddenly, some auburn hair falling across her face, and she glares at me, "If you don't want me to be your girlfriend, fine. I don't have to be your girlfriend. Just tell me to my face!"
"Dai, I didn't mean ta' make ya' feel like you don't matter, I just…I dunno'. It wasn't important ta' me, what kinda' relationship we've got."
"According to you, we don't have any relationship."
"I never said that."
Dai shakes her head.
I look at her a moment, then I whisper, "I'm so, so sorry."
She scrapes the loose strand of hair out of her face, and frowns down at her boots, lips pouty, and it makes me really wanna' kiss her, but I know I can't.
"I need to think."
"'Kay. Can I…come see ya' later?"
"Maybe. Give me a few days."
"'Kay… I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."
She lifts her warm eyes to meet mine again, "Think about what you want so you can tell me next time I see you." Then she walks away.
I watch her go, and I'm so confused and hurt and angry, I don't know what to say or do. I really want to call after her, but it won't do me any good, and I feel pissed at Gojyo for being such a jerk about nothing, and at the same time, I can't believe he was right. Dai really was mad at me over what I said. I didn't know. I didn't think she'd get mad about that. I mean, we really aren't dating officially.
Women are way confusing. I think sadly, as I watch her go.
But that jerk, and the stupid stuff he said to me, and to her… Why? Why would he say that stuff?
He's always been like a brother to me. Sure, we bicker a lot and stuff, and in some ways, what just happened is almost normal, except this time, somebody got hurt 'cause of it.
"Stupid jerk." I wipe my nose and start to walk home.
What the heck anyway? The guys said they weren't mad at each other, but then they started fighting. And what happened last night? It didn't have nothing to do with me, right?
Suddenly, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Yesterday, I felt really sure that Hakkai could fix everything that's been wrong here, but today, Gojyo totally ignored him, like it didn't matter.
That gives me a really bad feeling.