Chapter 7: What is Love

Fili thought that the morning would never come. Ever since the realization came into his mind, it took every bit of patience to not go immediately to his mother's room, break down the door, and begin flooding her with questions. Instead he forced himself to return to his room and wait for the morning. It was long and agonizing as he laid in bed waiting for the light of dawn to peek through his window. He had tried pass the time by distracting himself with a book, but after reading the same line for the hundredth time, he flung it to the end of his bed and began to passing his room. Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, the first rays of the morning sun peeked above the horizon and Fili was headed for his mother's room.

While he had been so eager and restless all night for this moment, as soon as Fili was standing at the door, he immediately began to become hesitant. He stood facing the door with a fist poised to knock as he struggled to get his mind and body to cooperate and move. After a few calming breaths he forced his hand forward to rap at the heavy wooden door. He waited for a moment, listening closely, but there was no sign of movement within the room. He knocked one more time but after a few seconds he thought better of it and began to leave. Just as he turned, he heard the latch shift and a heavy scraping of wood against stone as the door was pulled open.

"Fili?" asked his mother. "What are you doing here? It's barely even morning." She looked groggy as if she had just woken up. She was wearing a blue dressing robe and her eyes were half open as the light from the hallway caused her to squint at him from inside the darker room.

"Mother, I am sorry I didn't mean to wake you." He scratched nervously at his beard and looked down the hall. "I didn't mean to bother you. I just wanted to ask you something, to talk…" he looked at her again tried to steady his hands at his side. "Never mind," he said, shaking his head. "It's not important I can figure it out myself."

Dis's eyebrows raised in surprise. She could not believe that Fili had come to talk with her, to share his thoughts. So many times in the past few years, in fact, since he left for the journey to reclaim Erebor she tried to get him to get him to open up but he always brushed it off telling her he was doing fine. She gave up several years ago, trusting that he would eventually have enough sense to come to her when he really needed advice. Now here he was about to brush her off again and she refused to let it happen.

"NO!" she said quickly as she reached out for his arm to stop him. "Come in, I was just about to get up anyways. Come in, talk to me son."

Fili nodded his head and followed his mother into her room taking a seat in the armchair next to the fireplace. Dis went about the room lighting a few candles and stirring up the warm coals in the heart before taking a seat opposite of him.

Fili looked at his mother, he admired the strength that seemed to always radiate from her. Ever since he could remember she did nothing but radiate that power and strength in front of him. There were only a few times in his life when he could remember that strength and power was replaced with vulnerability and sorrow. These rare occasions mostly occurred after the news of his father's death had reached them but it had been a long time since he saw her like that. He remembered watching the life seem to evaporate from her eyes almost instantly as Thorin explained what happened. He remembered her leaving without a word and locking herself in her room. Thorin stayed with him and Kili at the time, doing his best to comfort them in their mother's absence. It had seemed like an eternity that she was in there but it was only a mere few hours. When she returned to the front room, the sadness was replaced with that power and strength he admired for so many years. It was what she always wore when around him or any others except for the few times when she thought no one was around. He could count on two hands the few times he caught her silently crying over a small box she kept in her room, which contained the last few reminders of her departed husband.

As the years progressed away from his father's death, Fili witnessed these scenes less and less. Now that he thought about it, he wondered if she still did it or if she truly had healed from her loss. He always heard about love and the impact it made when a dwarf found their one, but he did not understand it. He was not sure what it was supposed to feel like, he was not sure just how powerful it was, and he did not understand how powerful the bond was. This is why he was here, this is why he went to the one person he knew and understood the power of finding love.

Dis sat across from her son waiting patiently as he looked at her. It was obvious that something was bothering him and it worried her as he fidgeted in his seat and looked around the room. It took everything within in her to keep from pushing him to start talking, worried that he might change his mind again. Finally after several minutes with nothing but the quiet crackling of the newly stoked fire in the hearth, Fili opened his mouth.

"How does love work?" he finally blurted out. "I know many talk about finding their one but I have also heard that it is just a myth."

Dis raised her eyebrows in surprise. She had several thoughts and reasons as to why Fili had come to talk, but this was not one of them. She looked at him closely in an attempt to figure out where this would go. After a short survey and no conclusion she focused more on how to answer his question.

"That is a curious question for you to be asking," she said suspiciously. "To give an answer to your question is difficult. It is true that many believe finding ones one is a myth and I can see why. There was once a time when marriage only occurred when two people claimed to be eachothers one. But as the ages have passed that tradition has changed. The ways of men and elves have sadly corrupted such a sacred thing. Marriage for gain in money and power and marriage for political reasons, have slowly been adapted into the ways of dwarves. Despite this happening, I can tell you that it is still very real and happens even during this day and age," she leaned closer to him. "I know from personal experience as your father was my one and can tell you that their is no other marriage that will serve at a better advantage that to your true one."

"How did you know father was your one?" Fili asked curiously.

"I just knew," she said with a shrug as she leaned back. Fili's face fell with disappointment making Dis yearn for a better way to answer him. "It is a difficult phenomenon to describe Fili. Every dwarf is born with a destined one but not every dwarf ever meets there one in their lifetime."

"When was it when you knew father would be your one?"

Dis smiled as she thought about the memory. "It was from the moment I met him here in Erebor. I had just come of age when his family came from the Iron Hills to visit. Your grandfather had invited them to a private dinner while they were here. It was at that dinner that we meet and the moment I looked at him, I knew. Later on in our courtship your father admitted to the same experience," she explained.

As Fili listened to her story he felt a small twinge of disappointment come into his mind. He had known Torvi since the day she was born, he remembered looking at her for the first time and wrapped up I. That moment as he looked at her as a baby but it was not what he imagined love to feel like. It was more of what he felt when he first saw Kili, an immediate protectiveness and concern for their wellbeing.

Perhaps he was wrong about his feelings, maybe he had mistaken the type of love he was feeling. Perhaps the love he was feeling for Torvi was more of what he would feel as a sister like he had always told himself. When he approached his mother's room he was dreading to find out the truth about his feelings for Torvi. If Torvi was his one, it would make everything complicated. He had initially hoped he was mistaking his friendship with Torvi for love. But as his mother spoke, he could not help but recognize the disappointment within his heart that he had not found his one. It almost felt painful as he thought about spending his life with someone else. But perhaps he was mistaken, perhaps he was imagining that these feelings for Torvi somehow felt different than the normal love of a friend or sibling.

"So it is when you first set eyes on your destined one that you know you have found your one?" he said, trying to keep the disappointment from his voice.

Dis heard the dismay in her sons voice and shook her head as she answered him. "Not necessarily." Fili looked up, his eyes brightening with anticipation, encouraging her to go on. "For every dwarf it is different, your father and I were a rarity when it comes to finding ones one. For some dwarves it can be instant but for their one it may take longer for them to get the feeling. There are some dwarves who know each other all their lives and it is not until much, much later that either of them get this affirmation. Sometimes the feeling is not instant, it is slow and gets stronger with time," she paused, watching closely as Fili's sat up even straighter and she began to form a new suspicion as to why Fili was here. "But there are also some examples, even more rare than my own." she said in a more solemn tone.

Fili's attention was fully focused on his mother's words. The feeling of disappointment that he had earlier had left to be replaced with a twinge of hope as he mother explained the different scenarios. Perhaps he had been right in thinking that he had more than a sibling love for Torvi, perhaps it was destined. "And what is that?" he asked desperately.

"There have been some rare cases in which a dwarf will find their one but the feeling is not reciprocated. These are the not so happy endings," she said in a sad tone.

Fili felt a small twinge of sickness enter his stomach. "How does that happen? I don't understand, how could someone be your one but you not be theirs?"

Dis looked at him sadly. "No one knows. But I have my ideas." She paused before continuing to explain her theory. "The Valar all have a planned destiny for us to fulfil, people for us to become. But sometimes destiny does not always play out the way it is written. For example, you uncle was the heir, the rightful king to Erebor but imagine if he had given up when Thror died. Imagine if I had given up when you father died. Do you not think that it would change the course of the future? Perhaps it would not change anything but say it could have? Had Thorin chosen to give up all hope of reclaiming Erebor and stayed content with our lives in the blue mountains, we would not be having this conversation in this room. Had Thror not fallen to greed, do you not think the dragon would not have come and Erebor would have never been lost in the first place?" She stopped waiting for Fili to think over what was being said.

Fili listened intently, it was an interesting thought and it made sense, but he was not sure how it pertained to finding ones one. He nodded his head anyway hoping she would get back on topic. "So you're saying that even though we have a destiny we still have a choice to follow it or not?" He said slowly.

Dis nodded. "Exactly. It at least explains that rare occurrence I was talking about. We are destined to fall in love with our one but what if someone did not become who they were destined to be? Then you would never really meet the true one you were destined for. It explains why so many dwarves never seem to find their one."

Fili let this process in his mind. "It still does not explain why sometimes ones one falls in love with someone else. Wouldn't they just never find their one like so many other dwarves?"

"Ah," said Dis with a small smile. "There are many answers for that. The first one being this new tradition of marrying for power or money. Some dwarves give up on finding love, and replace their destined one by marrying someone who gives them an advancement in a material or political sense. The other main reason is that destiny is a funny thing. If something is supposed to happen, then the Valar will make sure it will happen. But sometimes they have to replace the person who takes up the role to do their bidding." She could see the confusion in Fili's eyes. "Let's say Thror had not fallen to dragon sickness. But it was destined for Erebor to fall to the dragon. Perhaps later on down the line of Durin another would fall and the event would still occur, just later in time. If Thror had not been corrupted by greed, who is to say that another would not fall to the temptation. It could have been the corruption of Thorin or even you that led to the loss of Erebor."

Fili's eyes widened at the thought.

"I know it seems extreme but who is to say that even the smallest of events change the future and can change a person. Perhaps that is why some dwarves know their one is their one instantly and for others it can take years because they have not quite become the person they are destined to be." Said Dis calmly. "You are not the same dwarf dwarf that you were before we regained Erebor," she said pointing to him. "That journey changed you, it changed Kili as well. You are both different people than you were before."

Fili processed this in his mind. It was a complicated idea to grasp but he understood it, it made sense and explained so much. He had always felt something for Torvi, even though he spent his entire childhood suppressing and ignoring those feelings he could acknowledge them know. But those feeling were nothing compared to now. From that moment since he saw her for the first time in so many years standing with feeling he felt that first pull to her. They had had both changed in the years of being apart and it would make sense that now, when they had grown up and turned into different people, shaped and changed by the years that he would get these feelings.

"What does it feel like when you find your one?" Fili asked after another period of silence.

Dis's attention went to the glowing embers of the fire and an unfamiliar expression washed over her face. Fili was not certain but as he observed closely he could only interpret it as joy as his mother was lost to her thoughts.

"It was subtle at first. It was like my heart had been strained and pulled all my life but as soon as I set my eyes on your father it relaxed. As time went on it became stronger as if you were becoming physically connected with the other person. As if your hearts beat at the same time to keep you both alive. As if you yourself are dependent on every breath that they take." Her face fell into a deep expression of anguish as she went on. "When you father died I thought I would die along with him. I have never said this before but I think I already knew your father was dead before Thorin even told us. I remember the very moment, I had been hanging laundry up and I had a feeling that something horrible was wrong. At the time I had pushed it aside, ignored it because I was afraid to face the reality of it before I had to. But when Thorin told me of the news I felt my lungs collapse and my heart being crushed by them."

Fili moved from his chair and took a seat next to his mother on the sofa. He took her hand in his In an effort to comfort her. "But you got better?" Said Fili in a quiet almost hopeful tone.

Dis smiled sympathetically to her sons naivety. "No. It has never gotten better not in the numerous years that have passed."

"But you seem so well? Even just after the news it was only a few hours after that I remember you seemed to have recovered." Said Fili. "You always seem so strong and put together as if his lose made you even more stronger and determined in life."

Her hands came up and cupped his face gently. "I had you and Kili. The two of you were part of you father and it is what has kept me going." She had tears in her eyes now and quickly wiped them away and cleared her throat. "Now why don't you tell me the real reason why you are hear. Why all these questions?" She asked.

Fili looked down at his hands and thought. As his mother had described how she felt relaxed when she had first seen his father he realized that is what he felt with Torvi. There was always a sense of relaxation within his mind and heart when he was with her. he looked back up at his mother. "I was just thinking...I thought that…"

Dis listened to Fili fumble over his words then in an instant it became completely clear as to why he was here. "Do you think you found your one?" she asked excitedly, cutting him off from his muttering. "Who is it?" She asked. Fili just stared at her and it was plain as day. "It's Torvi, isn't it."

Fili just stared at his mother, shocked that she had concluded so quickly. Was it that obvious to her? How was it not to him. "I don't know...maybe," he let out a sigh and looked her straight in the eye. "Yes."

Dis's face broke out into a large, wide grin. "Oh Fili you have no idea how long I have dreamt about this day. I always knew this would happen. Ever since I saw the look on your face when you looked at her that first day she was born. How long have you known? Have you two talked about courting already? Oh wait until Siv hears of this! Does she already know? If Torvi already told her I will be so angry with her that she did not share the news."

Fili could not help but feel panic rush into his veins and force his body to respond. His hands went up waving frantically as his head shook in protest. "Mother, wait, hold up, no one else knows, I didn't even know for sure until last night when it dawned on me. To be honest I think I have known longer than I care to admit. But I was so caught up in our constant fighting as kids I let it get in the way of what I was truly feeling." He said regrettably with a sigh. "I was so caught up in my jealousy of her changing my life when she was born that I failed to notice my other feelings."

"Has Torvi shown any signs of feeling the same way?" She asked

"I am not sure. Sometimes I think there is something there but I don't know if it is because she shares the same feelings for me or if it her just being kind. Last night I ran into her and for a moment just for a moment, I thought I saw something in her eyes, but then she withdrew herself and went back to being her usual self."

Dis thought for a moment. "It sounds as if she might be afraid or nervous. Committing someone as your one is not always easy. I have heard many stories, tragedies, of a dwarrow mistaking money and power for love and married for those reasons only to find their one much later and far too late. From what I have gathered in my own observations and run ins with gossip is that Lord Ferer's son, Ferin, has been showing her signs of affection. Perhaps she is confused."

Fili shook his head. "No she is just using him as a distraction to keep her mother from trying to push her into courtships. She has no romantic feelings for Ferin. At least that is what she told me and I do not believe she would lie about that."

Dis looked astonished, alarmed, and even disappointed by this. "She is playing with fire in a wheat field during a drought. Is she not aware of the dangers of that family? Of the deceit? I fail to believe that the drive of young Ferin's pursuance is because of love."

"I have warned her but I am not sure she understands."

Dis shook her head in frustration. "Well I hope she understands soon before something bad happens." She thought on. "Well if that is not the reason why she is hesitant then perhaps something has happened in the past. Something that has forced her to become protective of her feelings."

"Her father died not too long ago and Siv lost her one. It is a hard thing to go through and a hard thing to witness. I could see why one would give up finding their one in order to avoid experiencing the pain themselves." She paused to let her mind explore other reasons. "That or she may have been hurt by someone that she thought was her one. False love happens all the time and while it is not as powerful as the love between your destined, it can still be painful" she thought out loud.

As Fili listened to this last part he had a flashback come across his mind, a memory from so long ago it felt more like a dream than an actual occurrence. Dis watched her sons face fall into a deep frown and a look of shock washed onto his face. His face drained of all color as he paled. Her eyebrows scrunched together in confusion as she witnessed the worry come to his eyes.

"Fili," she said in worry. "What is wrong."

He opened his mouth and closed it as he let out a groan and brushed a hand over his face. "I think I may know why she may be distant with me." He finally said. "It wasn't something that happened in the Iron Hills."

Dis looked at him strangely. "Was it something that happened recently?"

Fili shook his head. "Quite the opposite in fact. And I know who it was, which will not make my situation any easier."

"What was it that happened? Who was it?" She asked hesitantly. "It wasn't Kili was it?" She said sounding horrified.

"No, he would never hurt her," said Fili quickly before letting out another sigh. "It was me."

A stillness hung over the air as Dis stared at him. "What happened?"

"It was the night before her family left Erid Luin and Rorvi and I had been drinking. I barely even remember it. At the time I wasn't thinking, I was stupid. I visited her in the middle of the night, crawled through her window…"

"Fili!" Cut in Dis as she jumped to conclusions.

Fili realized what she was thinking and was quick to dissuade her thoughts. "It's not what you think, let me finish." He paused until she calmed herself and nodded for him to go on. "I climbed through her window and accused her of plaguing my mind with thoughts of her. Then I kissed her. For a moment it seemed blissful, perfect. At that point in my life I had never felt that peaceful and relaxed as I did in that moment, but then she pushed me away." He fidgeted around with the ring on his finger before continuing. "I felt rejected, embarrassed and left immediately. The next morning I brushed it off and mentioned in front of her that I couldn't remember anything from the night before. I blamed it on my intoxication. I remember the hurt in her eyes and as usual she stormed off angry. Rorvi had blamed her behavior on them moving but I have always know it was something else.I hated myself for doing it when I watched them leave but soon forgot it because I figured I would never see her again."

When he finished Dis was at a loss for words. "Has she ever mentioned it to you since coming back to the mountain?"

Fili shook his head. "No. But it would explain her aversion and quick to distance herself anytime I get too close."

Dis nodded. "Well you have changed since then, she has changed. Perhaps she needs to see that you have changed and that you don't intend to hurt her, that you mean every good intention by your actions."

"But how do I tell her that I love her that she is my one? How do I get her to see that I am her one, that is even if I am her one." He added dismally.

Dis gave him a sharp look. "I did not raise you to be the man you are now without the intention of making you who you were destined to be. You are a good man Fili, you are kind and caring. You look after your brother and fight in defense of those not strong enough to do it themselves. You are protective and you will be a great king someday. You may have made mistakes in the past, but you have changed and if Torvi cannot see that then she is a fool."

"So do I tell her and just hope that she feels the same way?"

Dis shook her head. "No. You need to let her find her own revelation just as you did. All you can do now is show her that you have changed and that you care. Telling someone you are their one is a very delicate subject, if you tell them before they feel it, it may scare them away. Even though your father and I realized we had found our one, it was some time before either of us said anything. Mostly because we were afraid that the other would reject us but also because we needed time to know for sure. For all we know Torvi has already realized this but she needs to have time to acknowledge it. It is unfortunate what happened so many years ago. You would think that the actions of a young fool confused with his feelings would not have lasting effects but it does. But do not lose hope Fili, I believe that Torvi with mend and see past that."

"What do I do in the meantime, while I what for her? Sit around and do nothing? Continue as I have been doing?"

"You need to show her you care about her, get to know her better, spend more time with her. Eventually she will begin to become more open herself." She gave him a good long look. "Find out what her true desires are, what her real fears and hopes are, what is she passionate about. Show her you are not just another Ferin looking to gain advantage that you pay attention to more than just her pretty looks and status."

Fili nodded and looked out of the window to see the sun already past the horizon. He had not realized how long they had been talking.

"I think you should be on your way, Thorin will be expecting you." She said.

Slowly he stood up, followed by his mother. He looked at her, searching her face in hopes for more of answer of what to do but it became apparent that she was done giving him advice. He wrapped his arms around his mother in a tight embrace.

"Thank you," he whispered softly before letting her go and started to leave.

"Fili," said Dis just as he reached the door. "You know as a mother, I want to carry you through life and tell you exactly what to do, but this is something you must do on your own. All I can do is give you advice but it is up to you to decide how to approach the situation. I will always be her to talk and answer questions but I won't tell you what to do. You must learn on your own."

Fili gave her a warm smile and left. As he walked on to find Thorin, he became plagued with doubt. While he was grateful for the honest answers and guidance from his mother she had also provided new reasons for worry. What if he had not become Torvi's one? What if she always keeps herself distant and protective? He gave his head a shake, no, he couldn't think like that. His mother told him to not lose hope to continue to show Torvi who he had become and that he cared about her. He needed to show her that he wanted nothing more than to always make sure she was safe and happy. With his new firmness and determination, Fili made the decision to do his best spend every opportunity to show her this.

Sorry about the slow update I know a lot of you were asking for new updates and when a new chapter would be posted and I have decided to start posting a little progress update on my profile just below my favorite books and tv shows etc. I put a date at the end so you know when I am updating my update. I have been extremely busy with work and I have to admit just after February 9 I put pretty much everything on hold and spent all my free time reading Glass Sword and LOVED IT! Also I found that my story was going in a different direction than originally planned, which is ok, but I have several ideas that I still want to incorporate so I have been doing a lot of brainstorming and revising on my layout to redirect the story. So that has been another reason why things have been slow. I know not a lot happened in this chapter and it is shorter but I have decided to make the chapters a bit shorter so I can post more often which I am sure you guys wont mind. I hope this chapter flows ok, for some reason it was difficult to write and to revise so I hope I did not leave too many mistakes. Anyways hope you are all enjoying and I will do my best to keep on track and keep my progress up to date so you know when to expect new postings.