A/N Once again, thank you to all of my reviewers and favorit-ers.

A WARNING TO THE WISE - If you're easily offended by gender-bender issues or cross dressing, you probably don't want to read the next four chapters. The story works in such a way that you can skip these chapters without losing too much of the storyline. The humor is a little coarse, but of course, it's humor, so please view it as such. My intention is to make you laugh while reading a good story, so as I mentioned at the beginning of this story, I may veer from true canon or characterization for the joke. But then again, these are fictional characters based on fictional characters, in other words, fiction about fiction, so who's to say Hisagi wouldn't wear heels? Okay, maybe he wouldn't in Tite Kubo's world, but in my universe, it's entirely possible. Enjoy and don't take it too seriously. ;o)

"Ha! Take that, Hisagi!"

The hard wooden clatter of bō staffs cut through the air of the gymnasium.

"Countered! That the best you can do, Abarai?"

Kira and Ikkaku watched their friends spar from the sidelines.

"Twenty bucks says Hisagi takes one to the head."

"You're on, Ikkaku. An extra five if Hisagi gets Renji first. Come on, Shuuhei! Knock his block off!"

"You're costing me money, Abarai! Kill that sucker!"

Spurred on by Ikkaku's yelling from the sidelines, Renji bore down hard. "Take that, Nanao-lover." The hard staff swung through the air, only to be met half-way by Hisagi's staff.

"Don't call me that, you jerk. I'm only doing this because you guys don't have the guts." Hisagi's next attack was ferocious. He forced Renji backwards, making his opponent search for a useful countermeasure in stemming the attack. Luckily, for Renji, but maybe not for Hisagi, that countermeasure walked in the door.

"Oh, Hisagi!" sang Yumichika Ayasegawa, "I have it!" He walked up to the warring men and waved some papers in front of Hisagi's face.

"Yumi, knock it off. Renji, take a break," ordered Hisagi, easing up on his attack. "Have what?" he asked the feathered man.

Sensing an opportunity in Hisagi's distraction, Renji replied, "I'm not ready for a break!" His bō slashed towards Hisagi's head, only to be stopped by Yumi's Fuji Kujaku, which splintered the bō into several pieces. "Watch the merchandise, Abarai. We can't damage our money maker."

"Pay up, Kira."

"You didn't win."

"Neither did you."

"Split the difference? I'll take your twenty-five and you take my twenty-five?"

"That's fair."

"Will you two shut up?" scolded Yumichika. He turned to Hisagi, "Good news, Shuuhei. I know how we can take care of two of your tasks: 'A wise man walks a mile in another's shoes' and 'a wise man conquers with beauty.'"

"I'm for that. The sooner we get these tasks done, the better."

"I'm so glad you said that! I've entered you in the Miss Warrior Queen Pageant in the Rukongai. See? The papers are right here. Aren't you excited?"

The blank stare on Hisagi's face was soon replaced by indignation. "Yumi, I can't enter that contest! It's for women," he protested, grabbing the papers away.

"So? We dress you up as a woman."

Kira elbowed Ikkaku, "Fifty bucks, he wears a miniskirt."

"He's got the legs. Twenty, and you're on."

Renji burst out laughing, "Hisagi, your fondest wish come true! OOF!" Hisagi's bō staff rammed him hard in the stomach. Papers scattered everywhere.

"I can't pass as a woman. Can't someone else do it?" he said, continuing to ram the staff into a prostrate Renji.

"But it has to be you, Shuuhei. I'd enter it myself, but it wouldn't be fair to the other girls, and Kira's too skinny, Renji looks like a series of lightning bolts about to strike, and let's face it, once an Ikkaku, always an Ikkaku."

"True," agreed Shuuhei.

"Damn straight!" crowed Ikkaku.

"That's debatable," Renji snickered, as he picked himself up off the floor.

"Hey! What'd you mean by that remark!" yelled Ikkaku, running from his place on the sidelines. He grabbed the bō from Hisagi's hands and reignited the battle with Renji, who had grabbed two pieces from his shattered staff.

Yumichika led Hisagi over to where Kira stood watching the new combatants. "Now do you get it? To 'conquer with beauty,' you enter a beauty pageant for women and win it."

"Can't I just take Nanao out to watch a sunset or something romantic like that?"

"Don't be ridiculous. You can't have the girl until all of the tasks are completed. It's in the rule book."

"What rule book?!"

"The rule book for romantic quests."

"Yea, Hisagi," added Kira, "everyone knows that."

"And while you're competing in the pageant, you'll wear a pair of women's high heels and 'walk a mile in another's shoes.'"

"Are you sure I can't just wear Renji's sandals for awhile?"

"Why would you want to?" asked Kira, making a face.

"It can't be that simple," said Yumichika, as if it should be obvious.

"Well, why not?"

"Because, Sempai in the sky, it's too easy! Kyouraku would not set you up with such a ridiculously easy solution to these riddles. There's a catch."

"There's always a catch," agreed Kira.

"The catch is we have to figure out what the catch is, 'cause then Kyouraku can't catch us without the catch, see?"

"You're giving me a headache. Okay, Genius, here's another question for you. Don't you think they'll notice my scars and tattoo?"

"They don't call me the 'Kabuki King' for nothing. A little pancake make-up and you'll be the prettiest boy in the pageant." Yumi smiled confidently at Shuuhei who just shook his head.

Kira, sensing an easy victory, challenged, "A hundred bucks says you get kicked out on your ass before the first high heel sets foot on the stage."

Hisagi rose to the challenge, "Don't think I can do it, Kira?"

"Not a chance."

"I'll accept for Shuuhei. You're on," smirked Yumichika. "Double or nothing that he walks away with the crown."

"Deal. What's the grand prize any way?"

"The grand prize is an unopened cask of sake."

Kira's mouth flew open. "An entire cask?"

"Yea," said Shuuhei, "and if you think you're getting any, think again. After what you guys are putting me through, I'm going to need it!"

As evening drew closer, so did the time for the pageant. Yumichika had put Hisagi through his paces all afternoon, teaching him how to walk, talk and act like a young female in a beauty pageant. By the time of the pageant, Yumi was relatively certain that he had at least a slim chance of retaining his one hundred dollars. And Shuuhei, ever the epitome of Shinigami toughness, had mellowed and even seemed to be embracing his feminine side.

The five men flash stepped to the pageant venue in one of the smaller districts of the Rukongai, each one carrying a supply of pageantry paraphernalia from make-up cases to evening gowns and swimsuits to shoe boxes borrowed from Rangiku.

The only way that Rangiku would loan Hisagi her shoes was if he told her why he needed them. After he explained about the tasks and the attempt to woo Nanao, he had sworn her to secrecy. He had also wondered how long that would last. Rangiku wasn't known for her discretion. Half the Seireitei probably knew about this by now. He just hoped that didn't include Nanao.

"Hurry up. I don't want anybody to see me like this."

"I wish we had had a chance to try some of these things on you beforehand, Shuuhei. We'll just have wing it," sighed Yumichika as they neared the stage door of the tiny auditorium where the contest was to be held.

"Don't worry about it, Yumi. I trust you," said Shuuhei. He was dressed in a bulky sweater and short skirt (much to the delight of Kira's wallet) with high heels which he had changed into once they had arrived. He was managing to walk in them quite admirably. His dark hair had been hidden beneath a sassy auburn wig styled into a traditional pageboy with bangs and a head band.

Yumi had been right. With the pancake make-up and false eyelashes, Shuuhei's scars and tattoo were completely concealed unless you were right in his face. The blue bandage remained, but had been extended across his entire face in what Yumi called 'Warrior Woman Chic.' His eye make-up and lipstick had been kept light in order to avoid Yumi's definition of 'Warrior Woman Tramp.'

"Renji, do be a dear, and open the door for me, won't you? There's a love. MWAH!" Shuuhei blew Renji a kiss with a manicured hand as he breezed past the red-head into the building.

"You're creeping me out, Hisagi," complained Renji.

In his best Mae West imitation, Hisagi oozed, "Deal with it, Big Boy." Returning to his normal voice, he said, "At least, you're not the one wearing heels."

As they headed back stage to the dressing area, a squat little security guard stopped them. "You boys going some place?"

Quietly to the others, Yumichika said, "I'll handle this. Keep your mouths shut." He regarded the guard with an appreciative eye. "Hello there, Mr. Security Guard, sir. We're here for the contest. Did we miss the rehearsal?"

"What rehearsal? You get dressed, you go on stage, you show your stuff and you get off. Ain't no rehearsal for this stinkin' little pageant. But you boys can't be back here."

He peered at the guard's name badge, "'Dave,' is it? Why ever not, Dave?" asked Yumi innocently.

"Cause you're guys and they're girls, and this is where they're dressing, that's why," stated the guard emphatically.

"Oh, but David, we have a girl here, too. Come here, Honey," Yumi pulled Shuuhei forward. "This is Shirley. Shirley Hisagi. She's entered in the pageant."

"How do you do, kind sir?" asked Shuuhei, politely dipping in a slight curtsey.

"Sorry, Sweetheart, didn't see you. Wait here. I gotta check my list." As he passed Renji, he muttered, "Kind of big boned, ain't she?" The guard reached for a clipboard hanging on the wall.

As he did, Ikkaku snorted back some laughter. "He didn't see you, Shirley."

"Must have missed those big bones of yours, Sweetheart," teased Renji.

Shuuhei stood with his hands on his hips. "What did he mean, 'big boned?'"

"It's okay, Hisagi. They say size doesn't matter," Ikkaku howled merrily.

"Which reminds me of you, Ikkaku." Kira rubbed his fingers together, "'Sagi's in a mini. When do I get my money?"

"You're betting on me?"

"Well, betting against you really."

"Shut up, all of you. You'll ruin everything." Yumichika eyed the guard nervously. "Here he comes."

As the guard returned, he said, "I found it. She's on the list, but I already told you, you fellows can't go back there."

"We have to!" cried Yumichika, at a loss for words. It was a new experience.

"That's right," said Renji, quickly stepping in. "We're her body guards and he's her dresser. Are you familiar with the royal family?"

"Me and the royal family? That's a laugh!" snorted the guard. "Them ain't my kind of folk."

"Well, sir," blustered Renji, "you are in the presence of royalty. You see, Dave," Renji put an arm around the guard's shoulder, "Shirley Hisagi is the king's second cousin's aunt's sister on his father's side, thrice removed. We are here to escort Miss Hisagi safely to and from the pageant. We are not to leave her side at any time. Do you understand?"

"You're guarding her? She's big enough to be guarding you, don't you think?" said the guard, giving Hisagi the once-over, since in heels, he towered over them all except for Renji.

"Look," Yumi had regained his composure, "all we need is someplace private and secure for Shirley to change. A men's room, perhaps. And that way, the other ladies in the contest won't be disturbed by strange men in the dressing room. Okay?"

"Strange? You guys? Kind of an understatement, don't you think? Well, I suppose there's a broom closet on the second floor you can use if Her Nibs doesn't mind not getting the royal treatment."

"Not at all," Yumi assured the guard.

"I'm used to it," smiled Hisagi. "I'll see that the king offers you a commendation or something for your kindness."

"Yea, yea, up the stairs and to your right, Queenie."

As the men ascended the stairs behind Shuuhei and Yumichika, Renji laughed, "He has no idea how right he is."

Shuuhei, who was in front of him, kicked at him with his heel. "Shut it, Abarai. And what did he mean, 'big boned?' 'She's big enough to guard you?' Come on, how insulting is that?"

"Turn your frown upside down, Shirley," laughed Kira. "You're smearing your lipstick."

Ikkaku, last in line, added, "I can see up your skirt."

An amusing side note: I decided to change the security guard's name from Buck to Dave, so I did a Control F. Not only did the guard's name change, but Kira and Ikkaku were now betting differently:

"Twenty Daves says Hisagi takes one to the head."

Kira elbowed Ikkaku, "Fifty Daves, he wears a miniskirt."

Kira, sensing an easy victory, challenged, "A hundred Daves says you get kicked out on your ass before the first high heel sets foot on the stage."