A/N chapter two has arrived! Woo! Thanks for the reviews people! I love you all! Constructive criticism welcome!
Enjoy :)
A breeze flutters over me from an open window. A light forces its way through my eyelids. I hear the distinct rustling as the others ready themselves for the day. Morning. Another morning. Another day. Another unerring day of cleaning windows, swipe swipe swipe. Ugh.
I savour the remnants of sleep for a moment longer, then rouse myself. I go through my morning routine slowly and languidly before heading to the dining hall. I lope into the kitchen to find the other initiates already cooking up vats of porridge. I join them reluctantly, stirring a huge pot of the goop.
When the porridge is just almost done, I spot something glinting on a shelf. A jar. A jar of golden liquid. Honey.
My eyes widen. I have never had honey before, and I doubt anyone else here has, either. What is it doing here? Maybe they use it when outsiders come to the compound?
My gaze lingers on the jar for a little longer than necessary. Should I? Am I reckless? Am I that tired of my new life and regretful of my choice?
I don't need to ask myself. I look around to see if anyone is glancing my way, but they are all intent on their own vats, or squeezing out orange juice. My had snakes up and snatches the jar from its place. I hide it from view as I unscrew the lid. Then I hold it over the pot, tipping it slowly as the viscous golden liquid drips into the porridge. Yum. I put in about half the jar, then quickly replace the cap and put it back where it belongs. And in that simple act of defiance, I know. I don't belong here. Maybe I don't belong in any of the factions, but I certainly don't belong here.
I finish up the porridge and start pouring it into the bowls. Once finished, we take all the bowls and glasses and take them out into the hall. I make sure to put all of my bowls where the initiates always sit.
When people start filing in, we take our seats. After a short grace from one of the Abnegation leaders, I dip my spoon into the porridge eagerly. I cannot wait to taste this. I don't think I've ever eaten something as exotic as this. And this is just honey and porridge, pitiful compared to the meals had in other factions.
I lift the spoon up and take a deep whiff. A distinct sugary scent overlays the gluggy porridge smell. I take a bite. The taste explodes in my mouth, all sweet and heavy and so, so delicious.
The initiates around me are looking confusedly at their porridge, but those frowns soon morph into grins. They laugh and chatter and enjoy themselves, and I see something in them that is always in me. The leaders frown at us, but we don't care. We just tasted honey, the most delicious, sweetest thing in the world. And we have never tastes anything that comes even close to the flavour. It is amazing to say the least. We Abnegation aren't always Stiffs at heart.
I see Tobias further down the table, holding back a smile just barely. He must have got one of the honeyed porridges too. I catch his eye and grin softly. A light dances in his eyes, interrupting the deep blue-black.
Whatever is inside me, it is inside Tobias too.
•••
After another draining day of window cleaning, Paul and I walk through the crumbling streets to the compound. We are definitely friends now, which was easy to do because he has not yet changed into the shallow, boring robots that the other initiates have.
We can talk about the important things, and we often wonder if our choice was the right one. Paul is so much better at being selfless than I am, but he still feels out of place. As I do.
It is so hard to just talk to the other initiates, with the exception of Susan, they won't talk about anything real. Anything that matters. They are even more Stiff than the full members, trying so hard to prove themselves worthy. But Paul and I, we don't need to prove anything. Because sometimes we wonder if the factionless sometimes choose to become so.
It is the last day of community service, tomorrow we have Visiting day, and then we start the simulations. They are supposed to replicate everyday situations, but are in simulation form because they can make it feel more real and don't have to manipulate people.
I am hoping that it will be more interesting than the last few days have been.
We reach the compound and enter through the wide doors, always thrown open to welcome anyone who wishes to go in. Tobias stands just inside the door with a clipboard, and he checks off our names.
"Dinner's in ten," he says stiffly.
He fixes me with a strange look, unblinking. His eyes shift to Paul, lingering on the space between us. I see something battle behind his eyes, and finally he looks sharply away and marches down the hallway. I try to decipher that look, that puzzling look, but cannot. It seemed almost tender, and then tinged with pain. Or anger. Or maybe even jealousy. I don't know.
We set off down the corridor and into the dormitory, where the rest of the initiates are rearranging their things or talking quietly. I find Susan folding up her socks, and say hello.
"Oh, hi Beatrice. Hello Paul," she greets us. Paul nods back.
"How was the hospital?" I ask, Susan volunteered to be a nurse's assistant there.
Susan's expression brightens, something rarely seen in Abnegation, and she replies, smiling, "It was wonderful! I helped set up all the beds and the food, and one of the nurse's taught me how to bandage a limb!"
I smile. At least Susan has a place here. "That's good. Do you think you might get a job there, later?"
"I hope so. The nurse's thought I ha good potential." She beams. And Susan very rarely beams.
Paul coughs. "Um, I think it's dinner time now."
Susan packs away her socks and we head to the dining hall.
"So what have you been doing this week, Paul?" Susan asks.
"Well, I've been cleaning windows. With Beatrice."
"At the Erudite compound? Wow. You two must be fit for Dauntless to be able to stay up there all day!"
It is a lighthearted comment, that shouldn't mean anything in passing. But to me, it means a lot more. Maybe I really am for for Dauntless? But I can't be, can I? I'm divergent. Or something. But what does that mean?
I hear a cough behind me and move out of the doorway. We start preparing the night's meal- plain chicken breast with rice and green beans.
After an hour of stringing beans and boiling rice, resulting in a nasty blister on my finger, we sit down to eat. I serve Paul, Susan serves me. Grace is said. We eat in relative silence. We clear the table. We clean the dishes. We clean the cutlery. We wipe down the table.
Typical boring Abnegation routine. I used to enjoy the safety of it. But now I feel trapped. An eagle in a cage. And right now, the bars are made of the strongest steel. There is no door.
•••
I am wandering the corridors again, in the heavy cold night. It is this time when I feel the most free, alone and unrestricted except for the lock on the front door.
I reach my old spot, the fire escape, and climb into the small space. This time, I feel braver and dangle my legs out through the bars, I watch then swing above the cracked pavement, four storeys below.
The air hangs weighting around me, just another thing tying me down. A watch a large owl swoop through the buildings, hooting and scanning the ground for mice. It spots one scuttle out from beneath a dumpster, and shots down, quicker than the mouse can realise, to catch it in its beak. The owl flies up into the clouds and disappears. The owl is free. Even the mouse was free. At least, freer than I am.
The moon is reduced to a waning sliver, and the street lamps are all smashed, but I don't think they would be alight anyway. It is so dark. It is so free. If I can't see my bonds, I can pretend they aren't even there.
A low sigh, just beside my ear, makes me jolt. I spin around and come face to face with a pair of blue eyes, shining in the dark.
"Sorry," he mutters. "Didn't mean to frighten you."
"You didn't frighten me," I feel the need to say this. "But for all I know, you could have been some kind of murdering stalker."
He notes my change into the present tense with a shift of the eyes. My statement hides a question, and he knows it.
"I must assure you, I am not an axe murderer. I'm just someone who made the wrong choice."
I take a sharp breath. I didn't really expect him to answer. "That makes two of us."
We are silent for a while. There seem to be a lot of silences between us.
"Why?" I ask, after a while. Just that one word.
His brow crinkles, and he stares up at the moon. It takes a while for him to answer.
"I had a fear that I needed to overcome. So I stayed. But I haven't found the courage I need in this place."
I consider his words for a moment. They ring true, and he says the words slowly and very carefully, like he is picking his away across a cracked pavement. I don't think this is one thing he has shared with many people.
He looks down at me, a question in his eyes this time. I take a deep breath.
"I'm trapped," I mutter. My hands clench the iron bars of the balcony so tightly the edges bite into my palms. "I'm trapped in here."
He studies my face with a mournful expression. "Freedom has a price."
"I am willing to pay," I reply. Because I am. I am.
"When you chose Abnegation, you chose safety and family over freedom. Safety is the illusion we have here. But it is just that. An illusion."
He looks at me strangely, with a kind of confused, knowing look. He knows. He can tell. He knows I am Divergent.
I flick my eyes back to the sky, my heart picking up the pace. He can't know, can he? How could he? Unless he is Divergent himself?
I stand up quickly. I need to get out of here before he suspects anything else. Tori didn't tell me much about Divergence, but I believe her strong words about keeping it a secret. I have to stand by them.
"Good night," I mutter as I squeeze back through the window. He doesn't answer. I hurry back down the hallway, but before I turn into the room I can't help but glance back.
Tobias is just a silhouette now, against the pale, thin light of the waning moon. He is gazing out into the world, watching.
He knows.
But I think I know too.
I think Tobias is Divergent.
A/N dun dun duuuun! *home alone face* Tobias is Divergent! Yes, we all knew that already, but woo, now Tris does! Next chapter is the start of the simulations. Exciting! :)