. not alone .
One more night of your company
I know where to find you
I know where you go
(Wild Nothing)
Rey, 11:57 PM
This day has left her shattered.
She can use the Force, yet sometimes she doubts she has the strength to actually carry this bargain.
Living like this is like running with all the energy she's got, but wasting it foolishly in getting stuck in something tacky and suffocating.
She collapses on the bed after the shower's she's taken, an extremely cold one that has left her with shivers running up her spine – her simple shirt night robe climbs up her knees but she feels like she doesn't care about anything as she stares at the white aseptic ceiling.
Her heart is pounding wildly into her chest, but the blood in her veins seems a dense unmoving liquid at the same time.
Finn worrying for her, Poe being charming and kind, Rose trying to get to know her and looking at her as if she was a hero, Leia putting all her faith in her – it's like all of this can sometimes barely touch her, sometimes violently crash her under the weight of expectations.
She feels alone – and there is nothing she can do about this.
Nothing, except for the most wrong thing ever.
She holds her breath and turns to her side, now facing the shut automatic door of her deserted room and the scattered linens on the void part of her bed.
She tries to stop herself – there are countless reasons while she should not do it, and she doesn't want to ignore them, doesn't want to pretend they don't exist.
Because they do exist.
Ben Solo killed his own father.
Ben Solo attacked his own mother.
Ben Solo confronted Luke Skywalker, his own first Master – and let a whole army fire against him, not even blinking.
Ben Solo killed Snoke, the man who wanted to make him his second in command and spent years training him to be the best.
Ben Solo is evil – because he's always had a choice, and always chose the worst, knowingly.
Rey bits her lip and swallows the lump in her throat as she looks helplessly at her own hand now stretched out on the pillow, her fingers tensed into the void.
This is not going to go the way that you think.
Luke's voice plays back in her head, like a distant melody – she doesn't try to stop it, because there would be no point.
Luke was definitely right – but she just never learns.
For a moment – it will be just for a moment.
Ben Solo is not the only one who chooses the worst, knowingly. She's there, too, right in that moment, his name in her head.
Ben.
She has to shut her eyes for a moment, the feeling of wrongness too overwhelming – but when she opens them again everything has collapsed into their unreachable suspended space, and he's there in front of her, in his own bed yet in hers, his eyes the same deepest black of his dishevelled hair.
His pale fingers are inches from hers, there on the pillow, and she looks at them moving so ever slowly towards her – and it's like a torture.
Maybe they can't touch each other again, maybe she's alone, maybe there is no way to fill up the nothingness she feels in every atom of the universe, maybe –
Rey.
She can feel every invisible line that forms his fingerprints on his skin under her own fingertip – and it takes her breath away.
She doesn't know why this connection still exists.
Maybe as long as it's here, it means there is something good deep down Ben, somewhere.
Maybe as long as it's here, it means there is something bad deep down her, somewhere.
Maybe it just doesn't matter, because that's not the point.
She doesn't care if this will fade into nothingness, like all the other times – she needs this moment, for herself.
"You're not alone," Rey whispers – she can't state if she's talking to herself or to him while his thumb caresses her knuckle and drags her deeper into that place none can reach.
None but them.
"Neither are you."
. the end .
Author's Note
Okay so, a few last words to celebrate the end of this brief yet outstanding adventure I had with this fic ^^ I will never have enough of thanking you for the incredible support! It was very fun chapter after chapter to get into this great fandom and talk with you about the topics I proposed in my notes! Would never have expected that!
Also, what I wanted to tell is: I know that some of you might be disappointed by my open ending, but... even if I'm a non-canon shipper, I prefer to stick with what canon actually gives me; in this case, I didn't feel like setting up myself a plot for episode IX, or evolve Rey and Ben relationship in my personal way. I just wanted to give a little snippet of one single day, focusing on introspection. I hope there is someone of you who feels like me about this and doesn't hate me or feel let down ^^ as for the other ones, I'm sure they'll get their dose of additional Reylo in the many great other fics out there which go further than mine!
Last but not least, great 2018 girls! Hope you all have been celebrating, let me know! *-*
S.