Cal sat down that evening with a beer on his couch. He wasn't tired but he felt like he was. Something was eating away at him, he knew that. He just needed to figure out how to deal with it. He always figured out a way in the end. He just needed to figure out what he was dealing with.
He flicked through the TV stations until he found something he could turn the sound down on and watch the faces. He got another beer.
About an hour later he heard the knock on the door. He groaned and stood up, still carrying his beer. He moved to the front door and glanced through the peephole. His lip twitched at the side and he stepped back to open the door for her. He held it wide and she came in without either saying a word.
"Beer?" he asked, following her into the sitting room where she was looking at the TV with a curious look on her face.
"A rom-com Cal, really?" He shrugged and took a sip of his beer before holding it up in offering again.
"Reading the faces," he said casually. Gillian nodded to his offer of a beer. He moved to the kitchen to get one from the fridge.
"So, how are you settling in since you got back?" she asked as he re-entered the room handing the beer to her. He plonked down on the couch, slouching into his usual position.
"I'm fine darling, what about you?" He was nonchalant, didn't want to give anything away to her. She sat down at the other end of the couch, twisting her body slightly so she was facing him.
"It's kind of weird. But it sort of feels like you never left…" she smiled, raising the bottle to him and drinking.
"But I did leave…" he said, his voice taking on a remorseful tone that he was sure she wouldn't have missed. She said nothing but took another swig of her beer. He had made her uncomfortable. "…so how long are you going out with HR Boy?" Gillian shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
"Little over a year," she said not meeting his eye.
"Serious?" he asked, quick firing the question, not giving her the chance to think it out.
"We're going out a year Cal," she said pointedly and he nodded, looking away from her to focus on the TV again as he drained the last of his beer. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
"Sorry…" she said quietly and he looked at her.
"For what?" he challenged. She ran her tongue over her teeth under her lip.
"I'm just sorry…" she said ambiguously. She raised her eyes momentarily and caught his. The message was pretty clear. He swallowed hard and turned in his seat.
"I couldn't tell you Gill, it was too dangerous, I didn't want to put you in danger. I didn't think I'd be gone so long…"
"Cal…" she said warily.
"…and I mean, how was it any different to being in witness protection, which is a bloody paradox anyway, because they couldn't protect a cabbage patch no less say me, how was it any different if…"
"Because I didn't know where you were Cal! Because at least in witness protection I would know that you're safe. You go traipsing off across the world and I haven't got a clue whether you're dead, alive or just running on adrenaline!" Her voice had risen and sounded more hysterical than normal. She calmed suddenly when she felt his hand on her knee. He had moved closer on the couch.
"Gill, love…I'm sorry, ok? I really am. If I could have told you, I would but I couldn't, you know I couldn't!" She took a deep breath. He was right of course but it didn't make it any easier to hear from him. She nodded her head, mouth constricted in a tight scowl.
"If it helps…" he hesitated, before seeing her expectant face looking at him, "I thought about nothing other than you for the last 18 months. Well, and Emily, of course." His face was straight, no signs whatsoever of deception. But it was something Gillian couldn't hear right now.
"Cal…"
"No Gill, it's fine. Look I understand. I understand that you're seeing someone, that you weren't going to wait around for a bloody idiot like me, I don't blame you. It's probably not very fair of me to tell you even…" he trailed off, taking another deep breath. Gillian put a hand on his knee.
"Cal, I know, ok? I know how you feel about this. And, seeing as we're not being fair to each other, I thought about nothing else after you left either. But…I can't. We, I'm….it's probably better this way," she eventually went with the easy answer,, the one that was a cop out. She wasn't going to put herself in a difficult position. He nodded solemnly.
"Yeah," he agreed, but she knew that he didn't agree at all. He nodded, sighing, finally putting his empty bottle down on the coffee table.
"Cal…will you tell me where you went?" she asked quietly. He took a deep breath and looked at her.
"Some other time love," he said simply.
OXOXOXO