"We've been having a little chat, Peter, about what happened the night Lily and James died. You might have missed the finer points while you were squeaking around down there on the bed —"

"Remus," gasped Pettigrew, and Harry could see beads of sweat breaking out over his pasty face, "you don't believe him, do you… ? He tried to kill me, Remus. …"

- The Servant of Lord Voldemort – Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban

Chapter 7 – To Cry

Remus was pacing when Sirius returned, pacing up and down near the fireplace playing with the ends of his Gryffindor scarf. How could this have happened? How could the McKinnons be dead? Well, possibly Marlene was all right. The McKinnons had so many properties across town, there was a possibility they hadn't attacked her home – like Sirius thought.

Sirius suddenly apparated in and Remus stopped pacing. He looked to him, but he knew the news was not good when he saw Sirius's face. He had never seen him look like that before. His young face was tight and white and drawn completely from colour even in the light of the fireplace, his hands clenched at his sides.

"Padfoot—"

"Has Dora left?" Sirius cut off; his face turned away so Remus couldn't see, but he was sure what he had seen of the marauder's face showed signs of dried tears.

Remus just nodded, concerned. "Left not five minutes after you did…Sirius what happened?"

Sirius just shook his head, very slowly. "Dumbledore was right. You were right. We wait for further instructions."

Remus felt his breath hitch because now it felt even more real, Had Sirius found Marlene? How much had Sirius seen before he returned here? The werewolf instinctively reached out to put a hand on his shoulder but Sirius backed away as if that instinct burned.

"I'm going to bed. Let me know if you hear anything-"

Remus never thought he could be so surprised, so unsure of how to act in front of his friend. It was like talking to a stranger "I…of course but…are you okay?"

"Goodnight Moony." Sirius cut him off before he could really finish his question, moving toward his room and slamming the door shut behind him leaving Remus to wallow in his newly confirmed grief alone in the front room with only his imagination to solidify the truth until the report the following day and the sound of Sirius destroying his bedroom in his rage.

Remus Lupin stood tentatively outside the small brick house, his eyes glancing at the golden knocker as he steadied himself. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation and with the full moon only a day away Remus wasn't in the mood for it either. He didn't really feel he had much of a choice in the matter though as he finally took the plunge. His hand took the knocker and gave it a couple of taps.

Miranda Pettigrew, a small wiry woman with soft features like Peter opened the door giving Remus a hard stare.

"Mrs Pettigrew, I'm Remus…one of Peter's friends from school…may I come in?"

Mrs Pettigrew continued to stare at him, but she refocused her gaze as she shifted her red quarter moon spectacles, before letting him inside with a nod. The house was tiny, clearly just big enough for the two of them, but still smaller than the Lupin's cottage. It was well kept and Peter's picture stared back at him all over the wall.

"Now, how can I help you, Remus?"

"I wanted to see Peter…" Remus said carefully, he knew that Peter had refused to come out for days; he was hoping to help him out of his depression if he could.

"Peter isn't seeing anyone dear…he's really not well."

"I just…" Remus knew that his mother's fussing wasn't going to help, he needed to talk about what happened. It had been over a month now. It wasn't healthy.

"I'm sorry dear, but he is really unwell…I don't think it's a good idea…"

"Remus? Is that you?"

Both mother and friend stared up to see Peter standing on the stairs, looking down on them. He looked awful, his hair, usually a thick blonde was now so fine it was almost non-existent, he had lost a lot of weight on his face. His eyes cushioned by tired lines and were blood shot. Even his voice sounded different, shaky.

Remus knew of course that the death of the Mckinnon family had hit the Order like a ton of bricks. The Headquarters had to be scrapped because its location had been divulged and no one was safe. Now Dumbledore had to find a new location, but it wasn't all that easy to get one when they knew there was a spy within them. The Order began meeting at different homes every week and every time they met, Dumbledore was present at every meeting. Everyone was more paranoid about the other; everyone was more alert and fearful of their lives.

And even with this understanding, Remus could not being to comprehend the horror that Peter felt as he stood there on the steps of his house like a ghoul.

"Hi Peter…" Remus said carefully, not sure if he should continue to speak.

Peter said nothing, he swallowed, as if trying to speak but struggling to find words. His mother looked to him sharply, then back to Remus.

"Look, I'm very sorry but I really don't think this is a good idea, like I told you " Mrs Pettigrew explained. "I know you, and Lily, and Sirius have tried but—"

"No mum, it's alright." Peter said softly. "Can you give us a minute?"

Mrs Pettigrew looked both annoyed and terrified to leave Peter with Remus on his own. She sighed, and then nodded.

"I'll go water the pots…" and she fluttered out of the backdoor out towards the little garden, taking look backs the whole time nervously. Once she was fully out of the door Peter turned to the kitchen counter and turned on the kettle.

"Tea?" Peter smiled in a ghostly fashion that made Remus feel ill. He dreaded to think how he would feel if his girlfriend – if anyone he loved - was viciously murdered the way Marlene had.

"Teabags or tealeaves?"

"Teabags."

Remus smiled, "Sure…I'll have some tea."

Remus stood at the counter as Peter, with a trembling hand set the cups and set about a spoon. After a moment of decision. Remus took over with the kettle as it had already partly boiled and Peter brought over the small bottle of milk. They worked in silence, and once their teas, steaming and set them down.

"Lets go upstairs…" Peter said carefully, his mother's face disappearing from the window. "We can talk more up there."

So Remus followed his friend up the stairs and into the little room and before he sat down he admired the décor with much fondness.

For most who'd enter Peter's room, it would look like a normal boys bedroom, but for Remus it was quite the contrary. Around him was a map of all the exciting things that they had done together in their youth. Old banners that Remus had made for birthday celebrations and paper airplanes and folded pieces of paper that were the first drafts of the marauders map that merely only insulted people that tried to read it instead of hiding any sort of secret map. It felt very satisfying to look at the room, which Remus knew all of them but himself had a version of. James still had the lions head they had made to scare one of their professors sitting proudly in his parents house whilst Sirius's entire flat was a love letter to school, with Gryffindor colours and flags scattered everywhere.

He'd only wished he had been able to steal some of that memorabilia and put it somewhere, but he had always feared he couldn't take it with him and let the others take things home he'd have rather kept himself.

The young men sat awkwardly on the side of Peter's bed because there was nowhere else to sit cupping their steaming mugs of tea.

"How's working going? All good with the owls?"

Peter nodded, his throat tight. His grasp even tighter on the mug, his face downcast.

"I've not been to work…Delbert has understood my absence. The emporium will survive without my tending to the owls…"

Remus nodded in understanding and looked again back to his tea.

"We've missed you at the meetings."

"I've missed you guys. Is…Is Lily still doing that thing with her hair?" He freed one hand from his mug to make a swirly gesture with his hand and Remus gave a chuckle. She was also very slightly starting to show now she was supposedly 6 weeks pregnant but James is sure she has the dates wrong but just afraid to tell her.

"Yeah, suits her doesn't it?"

Peter nodded, smiling a little more.

They settled back into awkward silence. They had so much on their minds, but they were shutting it in. Remus had to sigh, James and Sirius were so good at letting loose with their emotions, having seen Sirius go to town with his grief – or rather heard it in the next room. He and Peter buried themselves in it.

"Pete…" Remus began, trying to see if there was anything he could say, but Peter was suddenly speaking.

"The last thing…she said to me was that she'd see me in the morning…and when I woke up she…"

Remus sat perfectly still, but he could see Peter's shoulders start to shake and he was so unsure of what to do.

"Peter...it wasn't your fault."

It was that that set Peter off, he dropped his tea and hit the bedroom floor and spilled his contents as his face went into his hands. A wail like nothing Remus had ever heard from anyone that made his insides turn to ice. He wasn't sure what to do, to turn and get Peter's mother or to hold him or…

But then Peter curled tighter into that ball, so Remus put a hand onto his shoulder and tried to squeeze.

"I'm…so sorry Peter...I…"

Peter was unable to get out his words, "I…I just…want to go back to how it was, I…I'm so sorry…"

Remus didn't know what he was apologising for, for crying? He was grieving for Merlin's sake. "You have nothing to be sorry about Peter. We couldn't do anything for Marlene…we just have to stop it from happening again." There was a steel quality to his voice now, his own defence mechanism. "We just need to be the best we can be…"

"How can I do…that…being like this?" Peter asked, his voice still choking between tears as he waved around his hands "How can I feel like…like this and pretend that everything is going to be okay?"

Peter's red faced looked to Remus now and the werewolf, his insides still ice and felt like they were getting worse by the second was reminded of his own mother. Of how very soon she'd be gone and he would have to fight that grief.

"I don't know, we just…have to carry on." Remus told him, "Isn't that what living is all about?"

"Just doesn't feel right…" Peter said, and the werewolf sighed, as Peter wiped his nose and set about picking up the shattered pieces of his tea cup, he noticed that Remus wasn't facing him anymore, he'd gone to stand in front of the window. Looking tall and majestic whilst Peter continued to pick up the china from the floor.

"My mum isn't very well…" Peter blinked his own tears, surprised, looking up. He paused not sure if he was going to continue speaking and then he did.

"She's…dying."

Peter continued to stare, not standing with the broken pieces of china he put them on his bedside table. "I'm sorry Remus, I-I didn't…know."

"I didn't want anyone to worry…I did it because I didn't want the fuss…why you've not been coming to the meetings recently?" Remus looked down at his shoes. "You don't want to be constantly reminded of the fact that this thing is going to happen, or happened…it's just too hard."

Peter was glad for the distraction from his own grief, he stepped toward him. "How…how long…has she got?" he asked carefully.

"The healers said four months, four months ago. It could be any day..."

Peter chewed on his bottom lip and put a hand on his friend's shoulder. The stood in silence, mourning for what they had lost and what they would lose.

"At least…you can tell her you love her, Remus. At least you can be with her…when she goes. You still have that choice."

Remus nodded, it was the only comfort he was ever going to have. He sighed. "Dad…has asked me to move back in…I wanted a second opinion but I haven't told the others. I don't…I mean I want too…but the timing was never right…"

Peter bobbed his head and nibbled on his lip as Remus turned to the teacup in pieces and tapped it with his wand. Magically put back together it stood pride and place on the side table.

"I…think you should be with your dad…I'm sure Sirius will understand why you're moving out?"

Remus gave him a small soft tilt of the head. "You know, that tea is going to stain, if you're not careful."

Peter shrugged, "Mum's good with those spells, I'll ask her to look at it for me once you've left." Remus knew this was his secret cue to leave. He patted Peter's shoulder, there was a smile on the youngest marauder's face now, and it was a turning point to make Peter come back to his friends, they could help if they he let them in.

"We'll see you at the next meeting tomorrow…?" Remus asked, slightly more chipper as he now stood at the door to leave. He hadn't realised how much he wanted to get his mother's illness out in the open with someone he trusted until now.

"I guess so…I just, you are going to tell the others, about your mum aren't you?"

"No, I guess I hadn't considered it…not until I'm ready Wormtail, you understand?"

Peter shuffled his feet and smiled gently, his eyes still tired and his face still read but he seemed better than he had been when the werewolf arrived.

"If you're sure, I promise Moony you're secret's safe with me…"