If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.
- C.S Lewis
Chapter 5
It was windy. It whipped Kira's hair around her face, stinging the skin. She could see the sky and a sly face. Her hands were covered in blood. Her throat burned, gurgled, overflowed. Her stomach felt like it had been ripped open. The girl looked down at the holes in her torso and saw white maggots crawling out from inside. They were eating her corpse. It was just a body. It was just worthless. There is no feast if there is a soul.
Kira desperately began to brush them away, pull them off. She struggled before noticing the earth coming up to meet her quickly. She hit it with a very hard thud. It shattered every bone in her body as if she were glass. She became nothing in a flat second.
She couldn't move. She couldn't do anything except feel limited, restricted and in pain. Every inch of her felt pressurised, like it would implode. Like her ribs would break if she breathed. Like her legs would break if she walked.
The Novena Espada lay there and began to rot away. She began to turn to dust, first from her fingertips. Death did creep. It just stalked, and stalked and stalked and then it took you down. It devoured you completely until there was nothing left.
Kira shot up from her sleep and clamped a hand over her mouth to stifle the gasp she made as she came up. There was a long pause before she ran her fingers through her hair and let her fingers run cool against the side of her throat. Her breathing was uneven and she could feel a tingling in her limbs.
The girl swallowed and dropped onto her back again. She was on the couch. Grimmjow as a territorial pain. The bathroom was his when he wanted it. Actually, every space was his when he wanted it. This had been established before the first night had began.
The nightmare had kept Kira awake for most of the evening. She kept returning to it. Sometimes instead of landing on the earth she landed in the faux body they had put her in. Those dreams were the worst so far.
They made it feel like she would truly disintegrate into nothing. Like her life would just fade out and she would be left with nothing at all. Not even her soul. She was a soul. This was all she had. When that was gone, where would she go?
If a Shinigami killed her, she would go to Soul Society. But if she died…she had died. She'd had to die to become what she was. She wasn't lingering in the world and somewhere deep inside; Kira knew she hadn't torn herself away from it by herself. She'd been hunted. That had been her last defeat.
It had put her in Hueco Mundo. It had put her at the bottom. Somehow, it felt like no ties had been severed, what had been…maybe it could be regained. Maybe it could make sense. Maybe that's why it didn't make sense; because it once had. Because she knew but couldn't comprehend.
No one had ever studied Arrancar. Everyone had just assumed they were Hollow and that Hollow were animals.
Kira swung her legs off the side of the couch and stood up carefully. To assume that something has no meaning or origin…surely you would never know. Because you can comprehend that there is no beginning for creatures such as herself, surely that means there is the chance of a beginning itself. It had to be paired with something. It had to have an opposite reaction. There had to be more. To feel that there had to be more must mean that there was more.
The girl walked over to the window beside the TV. It looked at the neighbours house. Their lights were off, but they had been up earlier. They were an elderly couple that pottered around. They were too old to come say hello to their new neighbours whose lights turned on and off but who they had never seen. On the other side lived a student who seemed to dwell only in one room with his computer.
The Shinigami had picked people who would not drop by to see the newcomers. They wouldn't be able to see them unless they were in their gigai.
Kira crossed her arms and glanced at the bodies that lay against the lounge wall. They had no eyes, they had no life. They were blank canvases waiting to be filled. The girl exhaled slowly and turned her sight away from the bodies. She could feel the Shinigami around. They were just letting out enough reiatsu to be known but not enough to be a threat.
The Novena padded her way to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. She didn't even notice the moonlight. It was so familiar. She was so used to it. She had to get back into shape. This whole waiting game was not good. It would have never happened under any other circumstance. Under any other circumstance, she would be stronger or dead.
Maybe that's how it should have been.
Kira put her glass down, still full, and walked to the front door. She opened it and stepped outside. The steps down to the sidewalk were easy. The concrete was firm beneath her feet. The Novena stepped further out, right to the middle of the street. The house was near the top of a long, flat piece of road. The girl walked the few extra strides to the very tip of its end and stared right down to the beginning.
A sharp movement caught her eye. In an instant, she was confronted by a Shinigami. It was a man in a captains robe with long white hair.
He did not seem like a threat at all. He didn't feel like it either. He didn't even smell of Shinigami. He didn't smell of anything judgemental of the sort.
"Sato-san, you should not be out of your house."
Kira was quiet.
"I am Ukitake Jūshirō, Captain of the 13th Division."
The girl met his eye. "I have to do something."
"You know you cannot be out of your house. It is dangerous."
"For who?"
Ukitake was silent. "Sato-san, please try to understand where we are coming from."
"I haven't been so idle in the entire time I've been..." Pause. "Since I went to Hueco Mundo. The constraint is insane."
"I apologize for the discomfort."
Pause. "Really?"
"Hai."
"I apologize for doing this then, but permit me this one freedom." Kira's tone was placid and even.
The second after her sentence ended, she took off. She didn't use Sonido, she didn't raise her reiatsu, she didn't do anything except begin to run. The balls of her feet pounded the road surface and her hair shot behind her, unkempt and unrestrained. It felt good. The girl smiled.
The burn in her muscles was nice. It mixed with the adrenaline and created a pleasant buzz. Soon though, the road ran out. Kira slowed and realized that in the few seconds she'd been sprinting, she'd forgotten that she'd been defeated, forgotten her nightmares, her pain, her scars. It had freed her from what was holding her down.
The Novena stretched her arms above her head as she started to walk back. The pull of her scar tissue took her back. But not all the way. She'd made progress. Each step was progress. By the time she reached the Shinigami Captain, she was calm. Though she had seemed so before, it was evident now.
Ukitake waited for her. He was not threatened. He seemed to understand, or at least try to. "Are you feeling better, Sato-san?"
Kira nodded. Somewhere inside her, she hoped she had not got him into trouble by leaving the house. "I hope you understand that immobility for an Arrancar is likened to death. Something has to keep us alive and we have to keep doing that something."
"What is your something?"
"I don't know yet. Right now, its finding out."
"And when you find out?"
"Then it will be that."
The man smiled. "If you don't tell anyone about leaving the house, I won't tell anyone. They were going to put a barrier up, but we decided that would make you distrust us."
"We already distrust you. But not so much." Kira smiled softly.
"I hope you find what you are looking for, Sato-san. In my experience with Arrancar, I have found you very similar in character and emotion to Shinigami. You are capable of it, just as we are."
"Thank you, Ukitake."
"Our secret?" He smiled.
"Hai." Kira found herself liking this man. This tall, thin, white haired Captain who seemed to respect anything that breathe simply because it was alive. "Our secret."
"Can I have your word on it?"
"Do you trust my word?"
"We'll find out."
Kira nodded once. "Then you have it."
Without another word, the girl turned around and headed back to the house. She was sure other Shinigami had seen what had happened. But at the same time, she was sure that their Captain would assure them of the legitimacy and safety of the occurrence. It was just a run. A stretch. Still, she hoped it would cause no trouble.
Kira opened the door to the house and slipped inside. Upstairs was quiet. The brute still had the bed. If she dared to take it from him, she'd end up on the floor. Or through the floor.
Grimmjow was going through crap too. He had to restrain himself from killing Kurosaki and any other Shinigami he came across. It was a lot of restraint. It was a lot of bottled up anger. It was a lot of undirected fun. Sometimes. The Sexta loved to fight just as the Novena loved to run. Each to their own, so long as you could accept each other.
Kira lay down on the couch again and watched the ceiling.
0
When Grimmjow walked into the living room the next morning he found the Novena Espada fast asleep, her one arm above her head and the other on her stomach. She looked peaceful, vulnerable, nearly fragile.
Not that he gave a damn.
The Sexta Espada tipped the sofa forwards sending its contents tumbling to the floor with a confused thud. Kira landed on her stomach. Her first reaction was to groan in severe displeasure and bury her face against her arm before lifting her head to glare at Grimmjow.
"You look like shit." He was grinning.
"Why do you have to be sadistic this morning?" Kira scrambled into a sitting position and gathered her blanket in her lap. "I just want to sleep."
"I could have killed you just then."
"I'd have liked that much better."
Grimmjow put one hand in his pocket. "Get up, brat."
That tone. Kira knew that tone. It meant 'meet me in the hall'. It meant he was agitated or bored or in need of a venting session or all of the above. Yet he looked like Grimmjow. Then again, he was usually agitated, bored or in need of some form of entertainment. When the Novena first found Kurosaki, she thought he'd be trouble but not so much for her directly. Or rather, indirectly.
Kira dropped onto her back on the floor and pulled her blanket over her face. "Bugger off."
The covers were gone a second later, the hand that removed them quickly reaching for the girl's collar, gripping it and hauling her to her feet. The Novena protested all the way to the front door, down the stairs and onto the street.
Grimmjow paused, her flailing figure still an arm's length away. "Oi! Shinigami! We're going to your friend's house."
Kira finally shoved him away and straightened herself out. "And I'm the brat." She breathed.
She got a mischievous smile for her efforts. Shinigami appeared all around along with the captain from the night before. They didn't say anything as the Espada moved toward the Urahara store. It was easy to find with its high spiritual pressure content. Sonido and Shunpo were both used beside each other for the same purpose. They were just opposite beings. Apparently.
The Novena Espada knew what Grimmjow wanted. She didn't know if she wanted to give it to him. He wasn't asking in his usual manner. He wasn't even asking. Not that it ever mattered anyway, but this was not a play-fight, it was not a training session, it was not a moment with a friend.
Grimmjow didn't even acknowledge anyone on his way through the store. He headed straight for the trapdoor and the open space below. He was smiling, but only because he was about to exact his frustration on something.
Kira followed him down but didn't move from the bottom of the ladder. "I'm not your punching bag, Grimmjow. I'm not your shrink either."
"No, you're a Brat. Entertain me."
"No. I haven't slept, trained, been well for a while. I refuse to be your stress ball."
"Baka."
"Just because you want to hit Kurosaki in the face doesn't mean I should break a rib."
Grimmjow's smile vanished. "Don't mention Kurosaki. Don't even think about him around me."
"Why, because he beat you?"
Kira didn't feel anything other than the cold metal of the ladder against her back and the rough hand of her friend on her throat. She hadn't moved to block the attack, not once.
"Say that again." The man threatened.
"I'm your friend, Grimmjow. I have to say it. Who else will?"
The Sexta's grip tightened. Kira did nothing to stop it.
"You lost, Grimmjow." She struggled to get the words out. "I lost too."
The man released her abruptly. His moods were giving everyone whiplash. "You're weak. Of course you lost."
"You're a soul; you can't win all the time. At least you're alive and prepared to do it again." Kira fingered her throat. It felt crushed.
Silence. "Baka." His anger seemed to seep back into him. "You can't even get into your gigai."
"How is that related? You haven't gone near yours either."
"If I can get defeated by Kurosaki, then you can get over your pathetic excuse of 'torture' here on earth."
"So you admit you got defeated?"
"I do not go down to anyone who looks down on me."
"He didn't look down on you. I never look down on you. We're just not looking up either."
Grimmjow let out an edged sigh before shooting forward at the girl again. She caught his fist with her palm, the force sending pains down her arm. Kira pulled his attack down and swung her free hand around at his face. The Sexta leaned away from it easily, quickly turning the girl's previous defense against her by inverting her grip on him and twisting her arm behind her back. He drove his weight forward and didn't do anything to soften her landing with him knelt over her.
Kira growled and struggled a bit.
"Have we got ourselves a deal?" A smug voice drifted down to her.
The girl nearly rolled her eyes. But she understood what he meant. He meant that they should forget about it all and do what they were best at. No one had to say it. They wanted to feel alive, so they did what they had to in order to maintain that feeling. They did what they could to prove their lives.
Kira lifted the hand he didn't have in his grip, aimed it over her back and shot a cero straight at the Sexta. He was gone in a flash, waiting. She came just as quickly with a kick aimed at the underside of his jaw. Grimmjow caught her foot. The Novena used his grip as leverage and lifted off the ground, swinging her other leg around at her opponent. She wasn't such a dull blade. It was like riding a bike. If either of them had ever seen a bike before.
Grimmjow dodged her attack before letting her go. He drove a punch straight into her stomach, forcing her to keel over toward him. The man took the girl's hair in his palm and lifted her head up to face him. It was usually tied up; down her hair was defiantly an advantage to an opponent.
"You got soft, Brat." He was smiling.
Kira filled her palm with a cero and drove it forward. Grimmjow did the same with his free hand. The resulting explosion was sharp and loud. The Shinigami that had come to observe the Espada turned away from the sharp light and shielded their eyes from the dust.
Out of the cloud shot a feline figure. She drew her sword as she turned to face her oncoming opponent. Even though it was not a serious fight, the reiatsu was immense. It was like watching two planets fight each other.
Grimmjow caught Kira's blade with his palm and pulled her close to him. The girl drew her sword back and put her foot in the middle of his chest, driving herself away. As she distanced herself, she saw what she had gone to achieve.
A red line covered the Sexa Espada's skin. She was able to cut him. She was truly an Espada. Kira felt like she had achieved something. Like she did her first night with her tattoo. But her attention was not so sharp and Grimmjow slammed into her, driving her into one of the many rock faces dotted about.
The Novena felt her shoulders eat into the surface, they bruised already. She grimaced and stared at Grimmjow as he held her pinned to the cliff.
"Novena." He said evenly.
"Sexta."
"Don't forget." He let her go. Kira let herself to the ground easily. She was panting. She was tired. She felt good.
No one is more like you than you are. It doesn't matter if society thinks your hobby's are weird, their perspective depends on where they stand. Maybe you have a better view. Maybe you've been denied a view. Maybe you'd never looked. But you knew which one it was and you knew who you were. If you wanted to turn around, you'd find the courage to. You'd find the way. The ability. Kira wanted to turn around. She had already come face to face with her greatest enemy and found them not quite so bad. She found them quite similar to herself.
The world had expanded. It wasn't so scary. Just parts of it.
0
Kira found herself confronted by a busty Shinigami with auburn hair. Her reiatsu was that of a Vice Captain but she appeared to be one of the unseated in Soul Society. The Novena had to stop herself from giving the woman a once-over but found that she was on the receiving end of that treatment.
"My Captain has been informed me to inform you that Soul Society has provided you with new clothes." Her voice was sweet and almost a drawl.
Kira paused. "What's wrong with my clothes?"
"Besides the horrible repair job?" Matsumoto held out a box and waited until the Espada took it.
Grimmjow was sitting against the wall, his elbow on his knee and his expression smug. His friend seemed a little out of depth. Life and death situations they could handle, sometimes it's the little things that are the most difficult to understand.
"It's not a Shinigami robe." The Novena stated flatly, denying the idea flatly. Instead she found a white jacket and a black shirt, exactly what she had worn proudly in Las Noches. There was a long silence. "I cannot accept."
"What?" Matsumoto seemed taken aback. "Why?"
"No Shinigami counterfeit of an Arrancar uniform will be suitable. I would rather wear this than that."
"But what you're wearing is nearly a dish-rag."
"What you offer me is worth the same. Please try to understand."
"Don't be ungrateful. Soul Society doesn't have to offer you anything. They don't have to consider you like they are, in fact they should probably have exterminated you already."
Kira put the lid on the box quietly. "It is the same for the gigai."
"No. You're afraid of the gigai." It was a new voice.
The Novena glanced over her shoulder at Urahara. She didn't say anything.
"Sato-san, these are just clothes. You left Las Noches and therefore no longer represent them."
"I am not human and I will not represent them, or your little work of torture, simply because of the Shinigami say-so. If it happens it happens on Espada grounds. You want me as much as I want to be away from Hueco Mundo right now so I'm going to lay down a boundary."
There was a short pause. "If we're layin' boundaries then I'm saying that no Shinigami can stop me from going out that pathetic excuse for a house" Grimmjow rumbled from his corner. "I didn't come here to sit in a room and punch a rock wall just to be in impasse with dumb-ass Shinigami."
"What did you come here for?" Matsumoto stated flatly.
Kira knew. She didn't say though. He came to facilitate the path he was walking down. He wasn't there because she was. He wasn't there because he wanted to be. He was there because he saw where he wanted to go.
The Novena walked out of the room, palming the box of clothes off to Urahara on her way out.
He said one more thing before she left. His words rang in her ears, they struck a cord. They were so simple. So seemingly meaningless. "You should explore the world."
Exploration. Exploration. It's not understanding, but it goes deeper. It goes to the heart of knowledge. It's more exciting. It's the core of every experience. To wander, to seek, to find, to meander, to stumble across, to avidly pursue. Kira didn't falter in her step or pause in the door, she just kept walking.
Already Grimmjow was ahead of her. He used Sonido to flit from place to place, racing back to the house. It was unspoken, but they raced each other. There was no '1, 2, 3, Go.' The boundaries between them had been laid. Some of them just had to be found. Some of them had to be tested.
Being faster, Kira did take the lead momentarily. Being fitter, Grimmjow took the lead when she hit her plateau and grinned at the figures of Shinigami as they tried to keep up.
0
Back again. Back in the little house with its little rooms. The gigai still lay against one wall, a bottle of sake sat on the countertop and a bag of potato chips lay beside it. Kira sat on a high stool and lifted the shiny packaging of the snack; she peered inside and picked out one of the retarded folded chips.
Too slow though. A hand from behind took it from her. As Kira turned to object, the entire bag vanished from her side. And then the sake. Grimmjow took what he wanted, whenever he wanted.
"You can't keep doing that." She was seriously considering becoming a hermit now that she knew what it was like to have a territorial, egoistic ass around all the time.
"Try stop me."
"Sharing is caring, Grimmjow."
"I don't care, Brat."
Kira turned in her chair to face him and propped her elbows on the counter behind herself. "We need to set some boundaries." She was half smiling, toying with the idea that he would actually agree.
"Eh?"
"I'm the lady and its ladies first, so I get the bed."
"You snooze, you lose. And you ain't no lady."
"If I'm in the shower, then I'm in the shower. Don't go breaking the door down, just wait your turn."
"I'll use whatever room in this house I want to when I want to. If I got to abide by the Shinigami rules that you got us into, then I'm going to abide by them for myself."
"You can leave, Grimmjow." She knew he wouldn't. The threat of Shinigami killing them when they tried to wasn't the thing holding them back, not at all. It was the threat of Aizen. If they had hackles they would rise at the mention of his name. He was worse than Kurosaki, so he had to go down first.
"This is where I'm staying. Consider yourself lucky that I'm letting you live on the couch."
"You're letting me live?" He could have killed her on so many occasions. He wasn't letting her live though, he just wasn't letting her die. Dragging her bloody body to a place where it could be put back together was proof of that. And it was mutual. "Come on, Grimmjow. You couldn't even kill me when I kissed you."
The man scowled. "Like all things revolving around me and you, you only get to do it because I let you."
"Somehow I have a hard time believing that." She paused. "What, do I have coodies or something?"
"Csh."
"If I have something as simple as coodies, then you have STD's. Everywhere."
"What?" He knew she was playing with him. It's the only reason he didn't break her ribs.
"How many girls have you been with, Grimmjow?" Kira cocked her head to one side quizzically.
The Novena didn't flinch when the man leant his arms on either side of her and brought his face right above hers. "What's it to you, Brat?"
She stared him straight in the eye. "I'm not a whore. I am not your punching bag. I am not your play thing." Her voice was low. He was right above her. So close and yet, somehow so far away.
"Oh, but you want to be." He rumbled.
Kira turned her gaze away from him. "Don't confuse me as a remedy to your cabin fever."
The Sexta ran his hand up the side of her neck and under her chin. He turned her face sharply back to his and spoke in a near whisper. "Relax, Brat. Like I said, you ain't nothing special."
The Novena lifted one of her hands and latched it onto Grimmjow's collar. She pulled him swiftly to her before turning away at the last half moment, letting the Sexta end up with his face right beside hers. "If this whole Real-World thing has taught me anything, Grimmjow, it's that everybody is special and everybody has a weakness."
"Yours is a fake body."
"Yours is the truth." She still had his collar between her fingers. The hand he had used to turn her face to him was back beside her, trapping her dangerously between himself and whatever she could be laying dead on in a couple of seconds.
Kira let him go in the same moment that Grimmjow leant away from her, his scowl dark and apathetic. He dismissed her with a seemingly uncaring gaze.
The Novenas eyes ventured across the room to the gigai. "What do you think about going out?"
"Eh?"
"Like…experience the world of people. I mean, we're people too but human people." There could be categories. Human people, Shinigami people and Arrancar people. Or rather, those who could become Arrancar people. Maybe.
"Baka. They 'ain't got nothing we haven't."
"We haven't got potato chips."
"Csh." He dismissed her as dumb. "You just told the Shinigami you wouldn't have anything to do with their clothes or inventions."
"I wouldn't so long as they were offering." The conversation had pretty much killed any chance of being offered anything besides a pass to Soul Society for research and training reasons. "The Shinigami expect something from us, but not that. We can't leave here as Espada, but we can as humans. You could get into a fist fight with Kurosaki and not kill him? Ride a motorbike. Pick up some ladies."
Grimmjow eyed her as if she were a lunatic. She was being playful. And thoughtful. Both annoying traits.
"I could pick up some handsome young men."
"Ha!"
"I could go to a store and buy something to tie my hair up."
"With what money? Idiot."
"I was half hoping you'd encourage shop-lifting."
There was an amused silence. He toyed with her idea. Beating her to a pulp was getting boring. There was only the Brat around and there was only a limited range of options if they followed the Shinigami rules.
Grimmjow tossed the packet at Kira. "So, how ya going to get over your little phobia of faux bodies?" He knew. He knew she wanted to see and taste and experience a life other than the one she had lived. She had to know that there was something different. This was the way she had discovered. This way was terrifying.
Kira didn't say anything. She didn't know about that. Her boundaries and her rules were not the same as anyone else's. She hated the Shinigami offerings. She hated the options she'd been given. But at the same time, the opportunities that had been presented suddenly seemed like grand adventures. Suddenly there was somewhere to go. Something to do.
The girl sat in front of her gigai all night long. The light touched it in the morning, changing the skin. It went from grey to a little pink, orange, clear. It looked like a body. That's all it was. That's all. That's all. That's all. That's all.
Kira exhaled slowly. She ran her finger down the cold hand. Something was pulling at her like an invisible cord. Like something had caught her and was pulling her in. The last time she'd felt that before was when she saw Las Noches for the first time. It was an evolutionary tugging, an urge, a desire. Something no one knew or understood but that was needed and wanted and craved.
The unknown is scary. But not for the Espada. It was going back to what they had been that was the frightening bit. Going back to the time they had been fighting and struggling and trying to move forward but seemingly not going anywhere. The time on the sand. The time below. The time in the faux body.
Because she felt it, she had to mean it. Because she meant it, she had to be sincere about it. It had to be truth. Kira knew it was truth. She knew what she wanted, what she wanted to do. What she needed to do. She could feel it surging through her, going against the words she's spoken earlier, against what she had turned her back on, against her nightmares. The Novena wanted to get back into shape, she wanted to be what she was.
But she'd been that already. That too was going back and the only way for an Espada to go without dying is forward. Not one step back.
The Novena inhaled shakily and straightened her spine. Very slowly, she slid her hand into the hand of the faux body. Her fingers closed and opened and wriggled. And then there was a dull thud as she pulled herself out of the body.
Silence.
The morning arrived officially. Upstairs, Grimmjow slept. Downstairs, Kira woke up.
So, another chapter posted. I hope you enjoyed it. Please let me know what you thought, all constructive criticism is welcome.
Thanks so much for reading. I hope that you do read the quote I put at the beginning of each chapter. They are relevant to the chapter they are with as well as the progression of the story. And most of them are pretty awesome quotes. ^.^
Blessings,
- P.
p.s) I'm using '0' instead of a dash to break paragraphs. If this annoys anyone, let me know. The editing section keeps removing my dashes and its a bit annoying. Apparently the number zero overcomes all though.