The corners of her eyes crinkle, her brows furrow. The early morning's lights and shadows cascade through the small window above the bed, playing off of her hair down to her eyes.
She's been unconscious for more than twenty-four hours while he's been rooted in the chair at her side since that hellish night; occasionally drifting around the room now littered with bowls and bits of food left by a visiting Jesus, checking on Carol and attempting to provide Daryl with some company. He knew that Jesus meant well, but he barely managed to give him a grunt of acknowledgment each time he passed through the door. He didn't want to talk to anyone... well not anyone.
Her knees draw up the slightest as she struggles to roll from hip to hip; a grimace spreading across her once peaceful features, fingers twitching under multiple blankets.
His eyes flit from the bolt he's inspecting. Daryl lets his left leg un-tuck from under his seated posture to rise halfway out of his temporary home. Fluttering heartbeats of hope that she may awaken increase inside his chest as he stands at her bedside, he's been dying to have her look back at him and talk to him about everything and nothing in particular. She's become such an integral part of his happiness that he'd broken thinking what if they never spoke again, can't fathom a world without her.
The pain is evident on her, still trapped in a world he can't get to and trying to curl herself into a ball while remaining flat on her back.
He lets his fingers paint down the inside of her shin over the blanket and palm his other hand on her shoulder. He'd never let himself be this close to her while they were both awake, but he felt the rhythm of his heart beating out the words he couldn't find. Gently increasing the pressure on her shoulder, he hears her murmuring things he can't understand. He moves his hand from her leg to float along the edge of her face, curled index finger slipping under her chin while his thumb rests atop of it.
"Shh, just rest. Ain't gonna let nothin' happen to ya."
Tense, coiled fingers moved underneath the blankets as he watched them migrate towards her abdomen.
Arat's boot swings and repeatedly crushes into Carol's gut as she lay huddled in the fetal position, Negan's raving laughter ringing in the air.
Instinctively and without hesitation, Daryl rushes his hand under the blanket to match her hand's placement, only remembering once there that she's barely wearing any clothing. The soft, tender skin under his touch causes him to pause for a moment; remembering the bruises that scatter her there and the warnings given by Dr. Carson, he doesn't want to hurt her more. But the feeling of spasming muscles coupled with the continuing grimace from her overrides any feelings of doubt he has, flattening his wide palm gently against the warmth underneath, circling small movements with his thumb.
Carol gradually takes a deeper breath as her expression lightens, eyes fluttering behind closed lids.
"... Daryl," the lightest voice escapes her.
She opens her eyes to the brightest of light streaming through boarded slats forming the walls around, the smell of grass and fresh soil filling her senses, a warm breeze blowing in from overhead. Looking down, her boots twist through a sprinkling of straw to the dusty earth below. She knows this place, so familiar to her it's like a piece of her soul; she's in the Greene's barn.
Another look around provides her with more surprises; she can see unobstructed from both eyes and has no visible evidence of her run-in with Negan. In fact, she's completely free of any pain. The bottom drops out of her stomach wondering if it was all over if she had succumb to her injuries and died. It wouldn't be the worst thing if it were true; finally free from the pain and hardness of how the world was now, finally free of the fear of waiting to inevitably lose someone she cared about.
Thoughts of Daryl creep in, weighing down her heart.
Movement stirs behind her, startling her around reaching for a weapon at her waist that isn't there. The air is sucked out of her lungs when she lays her eyes upon the blonde-haired, light-eyed little girl in front of her in an oversized blue t-shirt.
"Hi Mama."
Tears streamed down Carol's face looking at her little girl again, healthy and full of life, not the empty monster that had come out of the barn that day. She must be dead, gone to heaven to finally be with Sophia again; no she couldn't be, this couldn't be, heaven wouldn't let her in after what she'd done. Carol's hand trembled as it came up to cover her mouth.
"Don't be sad mama, I'm fine, see? There's nothing ugly here, we're safe. Aren't you going to hug me?"
She wanted nothing more than to scoop her up in her arms as tight as she physically could and never let go. She couldn't though. Sophia was innocent and unaffected by the world Carol had been living in ... killing in; she wouldn't tarnish her daughter with the blood that she carried on her soul.
"I love you but it's different now...the things that I've done for people, that I've done to people...I'm not the same. You'd never forgive me for the things I've done," her voice shook, not being able to look Sophia in the eye but not wanting to look away.
The girl moved towards her mother, but Carol stepped away before she got too close.
Sophia tilted her head in confusion. "Did you do it because you wanted to hurt people?"
"No, it wasn't about 'wanting' to hurt anyone," she replied.
"Were you trying to help someone...to protect them?"
Carol had never wanted to try to explain this to her, couldn't really make sense of it to herself. She had been relieved Sophia had not had to bear witness to the things she'd had to do, or the monster she had become.
"It's not that simple-"
"Why?"
A booming voice with a recognizable drawl came from the rafters overhead, interrupting their conversation.
"Geesh woman, everythang don't gotta be the end of the freakin' world!"
A sly, charming smile extended the width of his face. His graying dark hair and scruff still accentuated his strong jawline, his pooling dark blue eyes still linked him to those she'd looked into a thousand times. Sitting down on the rafter, his legs swayed causing the open dark-colored shirt to sway against a strikingly white tank top.
"What are you doin' here Merle?" scoffing looking up at him. Within an instant he had gone, reappeared inches away beside her.
"Fuck mouse... I'm here for you. This here's your little dream sequence, I ain't here unless you want me. Me and your little girl there... we're here cus' you made us," he slowly cantered his response. Walking circles around her, he twisted both his hands in her vision and chuckled. "By the way, thanks for this."
Carol looked down slightly disappointed; exhaling that it's just a dream under her breath.
"You're hurt. You needed somewhere to go to be safe, to think things through and about what you want to do next." Sophia's sweet voice chimed in.
"You's a real mess after that Negan fucker sicked his little bitch on ya, but you sure as hell showed her! Damn you were right... you ain't the woman you was back then,"
Carol shot a harsh, disapproving glare at Merle; if it were really her dream then he would not use that language in front of her daughter, real or not. He held his hands up in gesturing defense, a cool look in his eyes that cast slightly down at her.
"Oooh don't get ya nipples in a twist, ain't nothin' she ain't heard before! S'like I told ya before, we're here cus' ya made us here... we're in your brain, mouse. Ain't my mouth ya gotta watch, it's yours. Now, why don't ya answer the little darlin's question."
She turned away from both of them. No, she wasn't going to relieve this all again, she had made her choice; it was the only way she could stay alive both inside and out, the only way to stay human. Things were better off this way and she didn't need to think about anything."
"Shut up," Carol cast back at Merle.
Merle widely grinned, pursing his lips into a barely open oval knowing he'd hit a nerve.
Sophia barged in to continue "The man ... the one that hurt you, you don't like him … were afraid of him ... why?"
"He hurt people, some of them I care about very much."
"That nice man who fell down off the horse and got hurt trying to find me? He was one of them, right... you care about him?" Her daughter having intimate knowledge of the inside of her head was unnerving, no matter what form. She was still in charge though she thought, and she didn't have to say anything she wasn't ready to say.
"Yes, very much...he's my friend, we're like family."
Merle scoffed loudly, "Bullshit! Ain't gone off like G.I Jane with a rattler up her ass for just 'family'. Ya'lls supposed ta be one big happy family, but I ain't see Deputy Dawg go runnin' guns blazin' trying to save my baby brother when that fuck had him. Naw, he's too busy tryin'a decide whether he wants ta be a mother-fuckin' farmer or some bad ass machete-wielding wild man! You stepped up, and ain't nothin' wrong with that."
"I can't do it anymore!" She barked back, temper flaring, extruding droplets of tears. Throbbing pain ripped through her abdomen, dropping her to one knee.
"So you wish you could go back and not do what you did, leave the people to deal with that man by themselves?" Sophia sat before her, her knees tucked up into her chin.
"Yes ... no ... I don't want to do it, to become a monster. I'm not willing to become just like those things, killing mindlessly, pretending it's to protect people I care about." She answered in between breaths, trying to regain it.
"You like doing it, killing? Do you look forward to it?" Sophia seemed upset, spinning her fingers in the dry ground below.
"No! Sweetie, I did it to protect people who couldn't or wouldn't protect themselves,"
"So how's that wrong?"
"Kids got a point," Merle muttered.
"I went after Negan, I didn't have to be out there waiting around with a gun-" starting low in her voice before being cut off.
"That bastard cop sent ya out there ta do his dirty work ... wound you up, knowing full well what you'd do ta protect Darylina. Think he didn't know what was out there?"
The conversation with Rick in the hallways of Barrington house; Negan was bound to be out there nearby, looking for Daryl knowing he'd find his family some way... what he'd probably do when/if he found him.
The look on his face when she found him at her door outside near the Kingdom, the obvious terror behind his beautiful eyes. She'd seen the freshly healing hole in his shoulder, the collective bruises across his torso, felt his flinch under the lightest touch.
A warmth spread from one side of her belly to the other taking away the pain as it spread. Calmness took over her.
"Daryl," she uttered, hearing her words echo through the barn. Pushing herself up to come face to face with both Merle and Sophia.
"You're not a monster, mama, you're strong and you do what you have to protect the one you love. Maybe you don't have to kill everyone, but being strong enough to fight for those who can't doesn't make you bad ... you did it for me with daddy ... I'd do it for you."
Tears flowed freely down Carol's cheeks, dropping into her daughter's hand that reached up to wipe them away. She reached down to pull Sophia into her by the shoulders, finding a peace she didn't know that she'd ever felt. After a minute, she glanced up at Merle who still stood there with a grin.
"So what you're like my fairy godmother or some shit, getting me back to the murderous ball?" Trying to give him one last wisecrack.
He stood shaking his head, "Fuck woman, you ain't been payin' attention to a damn thing have ya? I told ya, I'm here for you."
Carol thoroughly confused, let go of Sophia's head and gently moved her to the side, stepping towards Merle. "What is this really about?"
"Why am I here?... I'm here for you, but why'd ya choose me? It's your brain so ya could of picked any goddamn one, but here I am; so what have I been telling you this whole time?"
"You're Daryl's brother... you may have been a jerk but in the end you did the noble thing and tried to save everyone." Still unsure of what he was getting at.
"Why'd it have ta be Daryl's brother?" He questioned, they both stood silent for what seemed like eternity. "Cus' everythin' is about him. You didn't need nobody ta tell you that ain't no monster, y'already knew that just didn't wanna believe it. But what about him... why ya gotta do everythin' to be so close ta him?"
The light started fading away in the barn, making it troublesome to see far into the back, creeping closer and closer to her with each passing moment. She looked back to the man who was barely a visible shadow.
"Remember, it's your choice... ain't gotta be 'bout nothin' that ya didn't want it ta be." His voice fading before changing completely to one she could never forget. "I love you."
Her abdominal spasms seem to subside, the pained look vanished from her face yet Daryl couldn't forget that she had said his name. She was still unconscious so it most likely meant nothing, something she was reliving in her head about that night. But what if it did?
Daryl moved his hand away and pulled the chair closer to her bed before sitting down again. He chewed at the inside of his lip, mulling over his thoughts repeatedly, trying to come to a decisive decision. She had nearly died the night before and the weeks before, hell, they'd both almost died so many times it was fucking ridiculous. And with Negan on the loose on a rampage, who knows if next time might not be almost. He swallowed hard before rambling.
"You gotta wake up. It ain't safe no more for you to be sleepin' ... can't protect you right like this, and I need to - I get it, I left you stuck up in your head when you weren't okay; should've known ya weren't even if ya said you were. I need ya to stay with me though cus' you're the only thing I can count on to hold onto; this world's so fucked and you're the only thing that's made sense for ... a while. Nothin's gone as planned, you know that more than any of us here ... probably why you ran away before you left. Don't blame ya, nobody's perfect but I miss ya. I'm so fucking tired of missin' ya and I ain't doin' it no more ya hear me? Cus you're a part of me and I'm a part of you even if ya don't like it ... you're in my veins." Daryl paused for a second, taking her free hand both of his and laying his forehead on them against the bed. "I love you."
Minutes pass, his own words and fears still twirl in his mind as moisture builds in the corners of his eyes. The sunlight outside beams through the window irking him slightly, burying his face tighter into the bedding
Small movements begin against his forehead - ignoring them briefly as more movements while she dreams - he takes in a breath. But the breath gets caught in his chest, fragile fingertips suddenly rolling through the top of his hairline and pushing wayward strands sedately off of his face.