Author's note: (Wait what?) Yeah, hey. Sorry I've been missing for a really long time. I just haven't had the time to update. Well here it is! Thank you for all the reviews, seriously, knowing that people actually read my story makes writing fan fiction worth while. Thank you.

Remus lay in his four post bed staring at the ceiling. A million thoughts raced in and out of his mind. When he tried to focus in on one and catch it, it slipped through is fingers. He rolled over on his side hoping to find sleep, but the thoughts followed him and it made him unable to get comfortable. Two feelings that stuck out were the lifting sensation of euphoria. The other was the sinking feeling of guilt. Would his emotions be forever caught in a balancing act? Would every happy moment be tinged with an underlying tone of betrayal?

Only when Lily is involved. So that's it then? I just find someone else? I can't just turn around and start to love someone out of the blue. Especially right now. I'm so absorbed with her. She's pretty much all I think about! Maybe right now isn't the best time. Maybe I should wait until James is over her and onto the next. And what, what if that NEVER happens?

He began to feel tired, both mentally and physically. He assumed the fetal position and wished so badly that his thoughts would somehow leak from his ear and get absorbed into his pillow. The following day the house elves would wash his sheets and his conflicting thoughts would finally be gone.

Somehow he managed to fall asleep. When he awoke the next morning the dorm was quiet. James and Peter had apparently gone down for breakfast already. He sat up and his eyes caught ahold of Sirius sitting cross-legged on his bed he was reading a book.

"You're up early," Remus teased.

Sirius looked up and closed the cover of the book and snorted, "You mean you're up late."

Remus rolled over and grabbed his wristwatch from the bedside table. It was almost one in the afternoon.

"Bloody hell," he grumbled and rubbed his eyes.

"What's it like?" Sirius asked quietly.

Remus turned his attention back to his friend, "What?"

Sirius inhaled, held the air within his lungs for a few moments and exhaled closing his eyes, "What's it like to be completely mad about someone you can't have?"

Remus froze for a second. He clenched his fists against his bed and gathered the sheets in between his fingers. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Sirius sat up and approached Remus's bed and leaned against one of the posts, "You've been really distant lately. I suspected girl problems since you're generally pretty even-keel. You got in late last night Remus. Later than usual. I suspected you had finally resolved whatever shit you had going on with her. Naturally I expected you to be excited, to wake up and tell us all about it. You haven't."

Remus stared wide-eyed at Sirius for a moment, "How could you possibly pick up all those signs? Unless-"

Sirius squinted at him, "Unless what?"

"You're going through the same thing!" Remus sat up straight.

Sirius scoffed, "Really mate? We've been friends for what? Six or Seven years now? I'm sorry I can tell when something's up." He obviously saw the confused look on Remus's face. "Yeah, okay. I saw you snogging Lily last night."

Remus stood up quickly. "You were spying on me?"

Sirius shrugged, "I was on my way down to the kitchens. I heard talking. Went to investigate. BAM you snogging Lily."

Remus grabbed Sirius's arm, "You can't tell anyone okay? Not Peter, and sure as hell not James."

Sirius grinned, "Don't worry Mooney, your secret's safe with me." He patted Remus's shoulder and walked past him to go down to the common room.

Remus sank back into his bed. What the hell was I thinking? Oh God. Now Sirius knows. I don't think he'd purposefully tell James, but when push comes to shove, he's loyal as hell. I doubt his loyalty toward me is anything compared to his loyalty toward James.

He buried his face in his hands. If only he could transform right here, right now. Everything was so much simpler as a wolf. He didn't have love and he sure as hell didn't have a conscience. He sat there for a few moments before he decided that it was all out of his hands now. He would have to act natural. He changed into a sweater and jeans and was on his way to leaving the dormitory when a sudden thought possessed him. Sirius doesn't read. What on earth could he have possibly been reading?

He turned and made his way over to his friend's bed. He picked up the book that was laying there and instantly realized it wasn't a book at all. It was a photo album. He opened the cover and the first picture was of James and Sirius clad in twin Gryffindor quidditch uniforms. They were both laughing and exchanging high fives. He shut the cover and replaced the book back on the bed.

He didn't want to go to the great hall. Instead he decided to take a walk around the grounds. The grass was still damp as he strolled down the lawn. He stared off into the distance and saw the Whomping Willow. He stuffed his hands into his pockets. Only three more days until the full moon and already he was feeling drained and irritable. Something told him that it had nothing to do with his condition. He continued walking until his was on the edge of the lake. He stared off into its depths. His mind was drowning. He just wanted to get away. He kneeled to pick up a stone and he hurtled it as far as it would go toward the center of the lake. It skipped a few times and then sunk into the blackness