This chapter. Well what can I say except that when I asked reviewers to let me know what they wanted updated next this was a story that came up.
This chapter has been one I've dreaded posting and I have no idea why. It has been written for a very long time and I just couldn't bring myself to post it.
But I guess I can't disappoint you guys when you ask so nicely so here it is ...
Clary had started having dinner with the Lightwoods very shortly into her friendship with Isabelle Lightwood. Izzy had told her she wanted her Mother to see she had female friends too and ones who were a good influence.
This had made Clary confused as Izzy was one of the most popular people she knew. Why would she need Clary to prove that?
Of course Izzy had not had many female friends growing up apart from a few friends in their families circle and they had drifted apart as they grew up. Izzy spent all of her time with her brothers and their friends and her many male conquests. Even from a young age she was surrounded by the opposite sex.
And as she grew older most girls seem intimidated by her. Yes a good party, drinking and shopping buddy but as a real friend. No Izzy had very few real female friends and it was a fact that didn't go unnoticed by her mother.
Her mother had disapproved once upon a time but had given up worrying about it apart from the occasional lecture but since bringing Clary over those had been so few and far between they were practically non existent.
Clary had been so amused by the Raven haired girls excitement when she asked her so she hadn't had the heart to say no even though she felt incredibly awkward. Now a year and a half later she was part of the furniture at the Lightwood family dinners.
She didn't know how much it meant to Izzy at the time but the girls fast became best friends and Clary soon understood the importance of it. She was glad that her and Izzy had been brought together and couldn't really imagine her life without her.
Clary had been the same issue growing up with only her best friend Simon and whereas her mother hadn't worried about it or given her any grief. Clary knew she had missed out on so much once she met Izzy. Maybe this was how it was always meant to be.
Clary dressed smart casual in a blue jumper and a black corduroy mini skirt with ankle boots on because she knew Izzy's family expected it. This was as smart as she got on a Sunday night. Even Izzy dressed in non revealing jeans and a jumper albeit with a pair of heels but that was just a given with Izzy.
Maryse had greeted them both and offered them drinks in the usual manner but she seemed tense, agitated and not her usual self. She had told them Robert would not be attending this evening as he had been held up at work. Clary didn't remember the last time Robert hadn't been there so that was unusual. And Magnus, also was missing he was dealing with a work related emergency so it would just be them Alec, Jace and Jace's friend. That had certainly piqued Clary's interest although she tried not to show it.
"The boys are on the balcony if you want to join them. I'm going to ask dinner to be served in 15 minutes. I'll meet you in the dining room I just have a phone call to make." Maryse said smiling tightly. Clearly something was going on.
As they made their way to the other side of the house to join the other guests Clary heard Izzy sigh.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" Clary asks grabbing her arm to stop her.
"Dad...he's not busy at work he's just avoiding Jace. Mum is so pissed can't you tell?" Izzy says shaking her head.
"I could tell something was up. Why is he avoiding Jace?" Clary asks tentatively.
Izzy just sighs and shakes her head, "I don't even know anymore... Because he's an asshole... Jace he made a mistake a pretty big one but ... He's his son he should forgive him. A parents love is meant to be unconditional at least that's what I'm told. He can't avoid him forever."
"Well... Sometimes it doesn't work out that way ..." Clary says smiling weakly, "believe me I know."
"You're not going to tell me what you mean by that are you? As usual." Izzy says rolling her eyes. She knew now wasn't the time to go into it.
"It's nothing Iz just ignore me." Clary says shaking her head .
They make their way to the balcony and they can hear Jace and Alec laughing.
Their is a black haired girl standing next to Jace clinging to his arm and Clary feels a wrongness settle over her. She has her back to them so she can't see her face. She blinks for a second and let's out a breathe. It can't be.
"Having fun without us?" Izzy says announcing their presence. She hasn't noticed Clary stiffen beside her.
They all turn around and Clary's stomach drops out. There she is. The one person she never wanted to see again. Satarina.
"Motherfucker." Izzy growls under her breath. She turns to Clary who just gives her a look that says don't say a word.
"Did you just swear at me?" Jace asks raising his eyebrow at her.
"No... But ..." Izzy starts but Clary grabs her forearm to silence her.
"Clary ... Long time no see." Satarina says smiling at her amused as she wraps her arms around Jace's. He just looks down at her in obvious confusion before turning his gaze to Clary. She looks a bit green and he has no idea why.
"Not long enough." Izzy says dryly.
"How have you been?" Satarina asks biting her lip coyly and ignoring Izzy's comment.
"Great just great." Clary says as her voice finally returns to her, "how about you?"
"I've been good," she says amused, "better now." She says sweetly smiling up at Jace who is starting to look bewildered.
"What's ..." Jace starts.
"Dinner is being served." Maryse says sharply walking in behind them. She looks openly pissed off now.
She turns on her heel and stalks back into the house. They all follow her in quickly not wanting to piss her off further.
Dinner is a tense affair. Maryse asks polite questions throughout trying to keep the conversation going. But it is futile. There is an awkward quietness that has settled over them since Clary and Satarina's exchange on the balcony.
Jace watches Clary who is pretty much silent throughout picking at her food course after course.
"Clary dear," Maryse asks with concern when they clear away the mains, "are you feeling okay?"
"I'm fine. Sorry would you excuse me." She says standing up and walking out of the room quickly before she gets a response.
"Jace, can I borrow you?" Izzy asks fixing him with a glare.
"I think we'll skip dessert clearly everyone is tired. I might go to bed." Maryse says sighing and throwing her napkin down on the table finally giving up.
"No Mum, come on ... You don't have to." Jace says gently standing up to stop her.
She walks over to him and hugs him, "I've missed you Jace. So much ... Don't leave again ... I won't let him make you. It was a mistake I know that and it's the past now. That's all I need you to know. I love you and I forgive you, you know that right?" She says her voice full of emotion which is uncharacteristic for her.
"I know you've forgiven me ... It doesn't mean ... I promise I won't leave again Mum. I promise." Jace says hugging her back and sighing.
"Goodnight children." She says hugging them each in turn before wrinkling her nose at Satarina, "give Clary my love."
When Maryse walks out Izzy nods her head towards the balcony and walks off.
"Someone's in trouble." Alec says grinning at him.
"It never ends does it." Jace says shaking his head. Satarina stands up with him.
"Stay and keep Alec company." Jace says brusquely walking off and leaving her behind him before she can respond. She huffs in annoyance and sits down turning to Alec.
"So I hear you're dating Magnus Bane, how's that going?" She asks intrigued.
He gulps and thinks about the best way to get out of the situation.
"What can I help you with?" Jace asks tiredly as he walks out onto the balcony. Izzy is facing away from him stating out at the night sky.
Izzy turns around and shuts the door and looks up at him her expression is thoughtful. Then it changes in a flash to a look of pure fury and she whacks him hard on the head.
"What the hell was that for?" Jace asks rubbing his head, "Have you lost your mind?"
"Satarina? You brought Satarina with you to our family dinner? Are you seeing her?" Izzy asks roughly.
"I'm allowed to bring a friend. You brought Clary." Jace says curtly, "it's none of your damn business."
"A friend? Clary has been coming to these dinners for more than a year not that you'd know that since you ran away half way across the world... she's part of this family I'll tell you that now!" Izzy says angrily.
"I didn't know ..." Jace says in a frustrated tone.
"You screw my best friend then you bring Satarina with you to rub it in her face? Of all people? You bastard." She says in an exasperated tone.
"You told me to stay away from her, Izzy so yeah I thought I should make it clear that I wasn't interested ... That's what YOU wanted." He says emphatically.
She groans and says "I didn't mean it like that. I didn't want you to hurt her Jace. Why does everything you do always end in disaster!" She looks so angry at him right now and he's had enough of her.
"Well you can't have it both ways Isabelle." Jace says tersely.
"God you don't even care do you? Clary is my best friend and I told you ... And you do this? Of all people ... Fucking hell Jace." Isabelle says angrily.
"Why are you getting so worked up ... I wasn't rubbing it in her face. If I wanted to do that I would be all over Satarina and you know it." Jace asks blinking at her.
"Satarina… she's the one who Sebastian cheated on her with." Izzy says sighing, "And despite what you might think Clary isn't a whore like all those girls you usually see, she's a one man kind of girl and I bet it must fucking hurt to see another guy that she's been with end up with Satarina."
"I didn't know. Shit." Jace says his eyes widening fractionally, "I only did this because you told me to stay away from her Izzy. I swear I didn't know ... I was just trying to ..."
"Why do you need someone else to stay away from her?" Izzy asks narrowing her eyes.
"I needed a distraction … it wasn't easy..." Jace says sighing and running his hands through his hair distractedly.
"Do you have feelings for her? Clary I mean ... Real feelings?" Izzy asks quietly. Her tone isn't angry anymore it's just soft.
"What … no … Isabelle you come up with the strangest conclusions …" Jace says shaking his head vigorously.
"Don't lie to me Jace." Izzy says warningly.
"I'm not. She's nothing to me it was just ... A one night stand ... just sex. It's never anything more than that, you know that." Jace says rolling his eyes.
"You've made such a mess, Jace... I can't believe it." Izzy says in an exasperated tone, "she's worth so much more than that... you don't deserve her. You will never deserve her."
"I'll take care of Satarina." Jace says sighing, "And I'll speak to Clary ... Tell her that ... Well that I don't think it's a good idea if we're friends... It's clearly more drama and than it's worth."
"Jace ..." Izzy grumbles.
"It's what you wanted so don't tell me to back off now. Listening to you is what got me into this mess." He says firmly.
"Jace wait ..." Izzy says sighing.
"Just let me handle this and just wait here until I'm done I mean it Iz. Clary she'll come find you I just need to talk to her and apologise. Let me do this my way." Jace says sighing.
"Okay fine. You have fifteen minutes. Go." Izzy says rolling her eyes.
Jace POV
I walk back into the room and suddenly I'm furious and I don't know why. There are so many reasons running through my head that I give up trying to make sense of it. I can see Satarina is talking animatedly to Alec and he looks a bit terrified.
"Get up and get out." I say firmly pulling her upright. She looks up at me confused.
"Are we finally leaving?" She asks narrowing her eyes at me.
"No ... You're leaving. I'm staying right here." I say impatiently. Her eyes widen fractionally as she finally understands what I'm saying.
"What the hell is wrong with you Jace." She growls at me.
"I don't want you here. So leave." I say rolling my eyes at her.
"What did ... What did Isabelle say? I swear it's not true!" She says suddenly looking panicked.
"Nothing. I'm just bored of you. I don't know why I invited you over." I say coldly and she flinches.
"You asshole … I swear I'm sick of your shit Lightwood!" She screams now she finally understands I mean it.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I say in the same cold voice.
"I will do anything I swear ... just give me a chance to explain ..." She says pleadingly grabbing my arms but I pull her off quickly.
"Yeah you do and well karma's a bitch. Now get out." I say and her face turns red in anger.
"Fine. I just wanted to use you to make my ex jealous anyway." Satarina says coldly and turns on her heal and leaves me
"That was a bit much... why did you even bring her here in the first place?" Alec asks grimacing.
"You don't know the half of it ... Do you know where Clary is?" I ask him rubbing my head which is starting to throb.
"She's probably in the library ... that's where she usually goes to hide." He says hesitantly, "what do you want with her?"
I turn on my heel and walk out of the room so I don't have to answer his question.
God today has been a nightmare.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I walk into the library and she's sitting in an armchair her legs dangling over the side peering into a large old leather bound book. She's turning the pages and looking quite lost in thought her head back against the other arm rest as she holds it in front of her. Her long deep red curls spill over the side of the armchair where her head is tipped back creating a curtain of red silk.
She hasn't noticed me yet and I pause and watch her for a second. She's lounging and clearly doesn't mean for anyone to see her like this. Her skirt is hiked up from the position she is sitting in and her lovely slim legs are on full display. A thin band of porcelain skin peeks out between her jumper and the waist band of her skirt.
She looks beautiful. So relaxed and carefree.
I remember running my hands over that soft unblemished creamy skin. Her wrapping those legs around me pulling me closer to her. Her silky hair in between my fingers and I feel my face flood with heat at the vivid memories it creates. The feeling of her in my arms, how perfectly she fit. I try to shake them out of my head. Not again.
Every time I'm in her presence it's all I can see. All I dream about. This morning I couldn't even look at her. When I woke up she was pressed right against me and it took all I had not to kiss her awake and do all the things to her that I wanted to do. I try so hard to think about something else anything else. I groan involuntarily when it doesn't work. She jumps in fright and with a crashing sound ends up in a heap on the floor.
I walk over to her. The book has fallen under the chair and she's rubbing her head. Her legs are open wide and I can't help but smirk when I get a flash of her bright pink panties.
"What are you looking so happy about?" She asks grumpily as I scoot under the chair to pull out the book and deposit it on the table.
"You might want to close your legs unless ... that's an invitation." I say my gaze dropping down again.
She yelps and snaps them shut glowering at me. I hold my hand out to her regardless.
"You scared me ... You're as quiet as a cat I swear." She says sitting up and taking my hand as I pull her upright.
"Sorry ..." I murmur as she falls against me, "is your head okay?"
"I'm fine..." She says straightening up and taking half a step away from me to create some distance. I feel the loss of her warmth instantly and I don't know why but I want to close the gap between us again. I resist it though.
"I told her to leave. I didn't know … I'm sorry." I say awkwardly. I really didn't know and I feel like crap right now for putting her through that.
"Izzy told you? Shit … what is it with you guys and my discussing personal life?" She says as hurt flashes in her eyes and she closes them in frustration. It pains me to see her this way.
"Well you were quiet all throughout dinner ... You practically fainted when you saw Satarina and then you ran out. So it wasn't obvious at all." I say teasingly with a smirk. I just want to lighten the mood but I'm not sure.
"It's none of your business." She snaps at me her eyes opening and anger mixed with pain flashing in her eyes and the smirk on my face falls. We're both silent for a moment and I study her face.
She looks hurt and embarrassed. It's not what I want. I wanted to clear the air.
I reach over and take a lock of her hair in between my fingers without thinking. It surprises me and I let go quickly. What is she doing to me?
"I'm glad she did. I wouldn't want to be the one to cause you pain Clary not if I could help it." I say gently looking into her eyes and I see them soften. And as soon as the words leave my mouth I know I mean it. And it scares me more than anything ever has.
"It's nothing. I'm fine." She says shaking her head dismissively putting her walls back up. Why does she do that? Why does she push me away. All I need from her is one sign and all my hesitation would fade. But Izzy is right she's too good for me. I will never deserve her.
I take a deep breathe and remember why I'm here. What I said to Izzy. What I need to do to make this right.
"Clary if I say something you promise you won't take it the wrong way." I say quietly.
"Erm … I'll try not to." She says shrugging.
"I only brought Satarina with me tonight because Izzy wants me to stay away from you and she's probably right it's for the best. I was just using her as a distraction. I despise her … She stands for everything I used to be and I don't want to be that man anymore." I say quickly the words rushing out of my mouth before I can stop myself. I don't even know why I'm telling her this. I just can't help the need to explain myself.
"What does that even mean?" She asks me her eyes locking on mine with a confused look. With a look so innocent that it breaks me. Why can't she understand how hard it is for me to stay away from her.
God I can't do this not when shes looking at me like that. I close my eyes and push the thoughts of her down. Everything down until I am myself again.
"I just want it to be clear that what happened between us it won't be happening again ... It was just one night. I don't want you to get the wrong idea." I say coldly. She visibly flinches and looks at me with an accusatory look.
"Well if I was misinformed in any way ... Don't worry I get it now." She says equally coldly. But her eyes start to glisten with moisture and it makes my stomach drop with a sick feeling.
"Clary..." I groan squeezing my eyes shut. I don't want to hurt her but maybe, maybe this is the only way. For her to be free of me.
"God Izzy was so right about you wasn't she ... You're so full of shit." She says shaking her head incredulously as she blinks her tears back refusing to let them fall. I can see the anger coursing through her now and maybe this is how it has to be.
If I was expecting her to say anything it definitely wasn't that. I don't like the way her words hit me like a thousand little cuts.
"Clary ..." I say trying to think of some words. Any words to diffuse the situation. To make it right.
"What did you just say 'I wouldn't want to be the one to cause you pain Clary not if I could help it.'" She says mockingly, "Well you're doing a great job! I'm not trying to jump you Jace or do anything to you in fact ... you're the one kissing me in front of my ex boyfriend, turning up in my bed, bringing around girls to warn me off. Is this some sick game to you?"
"It's not like that." I say defensively. It's not like that at all. But I haven't done much to show her otherwise.
"What's is it like then?" She asks bitingly.
I look at her face despite the tone of her voice and the effort she's putting into looking like she's just angry I can see the hurt in her eyes. And she's right. I'm full of shit.
I sigh when I can't think of anything to say to that and take a deep breath and take a step towards her. How can I tell her how I feel when I know I'm no good for her. When I know that this will just end in disaster.
She takes a step back and turns on her heel walking away from me. I can't let her leave like this. I just can't.
I grab her arm and pull her back and she gasps in shock as I pull her against me. I grab her hips and instinctively pull her body against mine and her hands land against my chest. She's looking up at me her eyes wide and there is dead silence. All I can hear is the sound of her breathing and the sound of my heartbeat drumming in ears. All I can see is her. All I can feel is her body and how perfectly it fits against mine.
"Okay fine. The truth is I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about that night and you. I can't stop thinking about you. I cant stop dreaming about you. But I won't ... I can't do this ..." I say before she gets a chance to recover. Her mouth falls open in shock and I have no idea what she is thinking.
"Why are you telling me this?" She asks quietly her eyes fixed on mine, "I don't understand." And I can't comprehend the look in her eyes.
How could she understand when even I don't understand. I was meant to be pushing her away not telling her how I feel. So I steel myself removing every bit of emotion my eyes.
"So you can do yourself a favour and stay the hell away from me too. Izzy is right about one thing. I'm no good for you. I'm just going to screw up and hurt you. Just like I'm proving so good at doing now. You need to stay away from me." I say without emotion.
"I have been. I am ..." She says softly.
"But you want me." I say unevenly my voice breaking. Every emotion is bubbling through me right now and it hurts so much. Hurts to have to hide them. I take a deep breath and close my eyes only opening them when I feel in control again.
"No ... That's not ..." She says blushing.
"Don't even think about telling me you feel nothing for me... That I'm imagining it. I see the way you look at me Clary. You want me. And then you look at me like you can see past all this, all that I am and it scares me. You look at me like I could be good but everyone is right I'm messed up and I'll end up hurting you. That's the last thing I want. I meant that when I said it." I say gently.
"Jace... " she says softly one of her hands tentatively reaching for my face.
"Don't ..." I say quietly stepping back out of her reach. I can't do this. If she does that I won't be able to hold back. If she gives me that I won't be able to give her up. And that's not what I'm here for.
"You said we could be friends... Why can't we just be friends?" She asks confused as her hands clenched down by her sides as if she's resisting the urge to touch me.
"You know why ... Tell me you don't feel a thing for me Clary and I'll gladly be your friend." I say harshly with a smirk on my face.
She looks up at me and I can see the emotion in her eyes. The conflict as she decides.
It's a lie. I could never just be her friend. But it's safer this way. Safer that she thinks that.
I know what I want her to say and that is an odds with what I know I should want her to say.
All I know is whatever she says to me next will break me. For better or for worse. I just know it.
Okay so don't be mad. But to be able to post this chapter I had to cut it off here.
As in when I made the final edits this was where it had to end to make sense.
So let's make deal. You guys keep telling me which stories you want updated next because right now it is the only thing pushing me to write those next chapters.
And please leave a review because finishing this chapter, getting it ready to post nearly killed me.
And believe me I don't want to leave it here. So if I get a good review count on this I will post the next part ... finish writing it and post it as soon as possible.
I'm just so glad someone told me they wanted an update on this.
What do you think will happen next, I am always curious.