Chapter Seven
The Gender Confusion Continues

Three days later, Alanna woke up in a tent and found Jon sitting too close for comfort. "Jon, would you mind backing up a bit? There's a little thing called personal space and you're violating it right now."

"Well I've randomly decided that I'm desperately in love with you for no logical reason," said Jon. "So let's get it on, baby." He crawled onto the bed and kissed her.

Alanna pulled away. "Do you realize that you just kissed a girl who looks like a boy and who you believed to be a boy for four years?"

"I don't care if you're a he-she! I love you!"

Just as Jon started another make-out session with Alanna, Myles stumbled drunkenly into the tent in search of the tequila that was rumored to be hidden there. "Why hello there, lads," he slurred. "Mind if I join the party? Old Myles is still quite the party animal, you know!"

"Myles, is there ever a time when you're sober?" Alanna demanded.

"Nope! I'm drunk 24-7!"

Jon beat Myles over the head and shoved him out of the tent. "I want my tequila!" Myles cried, staggering off in a daze.

One night Alanna and Faithful were out all alone, sitting on the ground and playing cards. "Have you got any eights?" asked Alanna.

"Nope," said Faithful. "Go fish."

"DAMN IT!" Alanna roared like a lion. "I hate going fish!"

Suddenly Roger came sauntering by and interrupted their card game with his powerful fashion sense. "Oh great, it's you again," said Faithful. "Have you looked in a mirror lately? That outfit went out of date last century."

"Excuse me!" tutted the king of fashion. "You're one to talk! That collar you're wearing is totally out of style!"

"Roger, what do you want?" Alanna demanded masculinely. "You're wasting my time with your sissiness."

Roger sat down beside her and smirked. "You know, Alan, I could be a very good friend."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Alanna snarled, scooting away. "If you're trying to get me to follow your fashion advice, buddy, then prepare to be disappointed! I'll never take your styling tips!"

"I was just trying to improve your look, Alan. Sheesh." Having had enough of Alanna's shenanigans, Roger got up and strolled fashionably away.

"What a sissy," Alanna muttered. "Hey Faithful, are you thirsty? I've got plenty of water here!" She took a huge swig and passed some water to her cat. "Is it just me, or does this taste like beer?"

"Definitely tastes like beer," said Faithful. "But we can't let it go to waste, can we?"

"You're right! Let's drink up!"

Half an hour later, Alanna and Faithful were both passed out.

"Oh, man…" Alanna groaned when she woke up the next day, rubbing her aching head. "What happened last night? Hope I didn't accidentally sleep with anybody." She realized that she was in a gingerbread house filled with candy and that a witch was stirring something in a giant pot.

"You're awake, dearie," the witch said with a man's voice. "I can't wait to see how you taste!"

Alanna realized that the witch was actually Duke Hilam of Tusaine! "Holy crap! Why are you dressed in old lady clothes and stirring that pot? Shouldn't you be fighting the war?"

"No, because I'm going to eat you," Duke Hilam replied. "I already ate Hansel and Gretel, but I'm still hungry for fresh child meat!" He pointed at some bones in the corner that belonged to Hansel and Gretal. "Hopefully you'll taste better than those pansies did."

"You'll never eat me, you fruitcake!" Alanna bellowed. "I'm too much man for you to handle!"

Duke Hilam laughed. "Yeah right, sonny. You're only a little boy, and I can't wait to see how you taste."

"I'll save you fair lady—I mean, lad!" cried Jon, bursting into the gingerbread house with his sword in hand. "Hand over Alan, you sissy of a duke!"

"What the deuce?" cried Duke Hilam. "How did you get in here?"

"Your house is made of gingerbread, you idiot. All my army had to do was eat the door."

Seeing her chance, Alanna shoved Duke Hilam into his cooking pot. "Ha, take that, loser! Hope your manhood shrivels up!"

"I'm melting!" screamed the duke. "I'm melting!"

"You all know what this means!" cried Jon, letting his army into the house.

"Free gingerbread! Hooray!"

"Come on, Alan, let's get on my horse and get out of here," said Jon, pulling Alanna towards his black horse. "Have I mentioned that I have a dark horse I named Darkness?"

"Wow, now that's a creative name," Alanna said sarcastically. "What are you going to do when you have kids? Name them Prince Boy and Princess Girl?"

Jon chuckled at the very idea. "No, don't be silly. I'll simply name them Boy and Girl. It makes everything simpler!"

"You're an idiot."

After the war was over, Alanna grew more gender confused by the second and couldn't decide whether she wanted to be a boy or a girl! Fed up, she snuck out of the palace and visited Mistress Cooper. "Why howdy, George's mommy. I have a problem."

"Do you have diabeetus?" Mistress Cooper asked in an old man voice.

"No, you fool of a Cooper! I've decided that I want to be a cross-dressing boy, so get me some dresses."

Mistress Cooper cackled loudly. "You're turning girly."

"I am not! Look at these biceps!" Alanna flexed her muscles. "I'm so manly that all the hottest girls in the palace are after me!"

"Like that Delia hussy," hissed Alex, who was lurking around secretively. "Worst dressed woman in Corus, if you ask me. Did you see those white gloves she was wearing yesterday? Please, nobody wears white gloves anymore!"

Alanna glared at him. "Your shoes don't match your outfit, you know."

"The horror! The horror!" cried Alex. He immediately ran off to change his shoes.

Once Alex was gone, Alanna and Mistress Cooper resumed business. Alanna ditched her manly attire and got dolled up like a real girl for the first time in her life. "Holy crap in a bucket!" she yelled at her reflection. "I look like a total sissy. Thom would be so proud if he could see me now!"

"Oh Lucy, I'm home!" George called from outside. "And I've got a very special surprise for you."

"Great," muttered Mistress Cooper. "He'd better not have crabs again or I'll skin him alive." She opened the door and found George standing outside with Jon. "What's the meaning of this, George?"

"Well, mom, you seem kind of lonely since I don't have a dad," said George, "so I brought Jon home to meet you."

Jon shot a scandalized look at George. "You said you were bringing me here because your mom's handing out free cookies!"

"Unlike you, George, I'm not a pedo or a cradle robber," Mistress Cooper replied. "Go find Johnny someone his own age."

"Whatever, mom. Just trying to give you a love life." George entered the house and caught sight of Alanna. "Whoa, who is this stylish figure who oddly resembles Alanna? It must be her sissy brother Thom, trying on the latest outfits he created!"

"Alanna's twin brother is really fashionable," said Jon, gazing at Alanna in awe. "How come he never came to visit before?"

"You idiots!" bellowed Alanna. "I'm not Thom! I'm Alanna!"

George laughed. "You can't be Alanna. You're wearing a dress!"

"I'm too wise to be fooled by your tricks, Thom," said Jon. "Try it on someone else."

George took Jon's arm and led him away. "Come on, let's go. I need to ask the Dancing Dove barman if Seymour Butts is in town." Soon they were gone.

Mistress Cooper patted Alanna's arm in sympathy. "You just can't win."