A/N: Hello again! Sorry for being so silly last chapter (thanks btw!). If you're an author yourself, you'll know how unbelievably awkward and uncomfortable it can be to write for a somewhat 'silent' (I use this term very loosely) audience. Seriously, it's such a motivation/ mood killer xD (hint, hint, quicker updates, cough cough) I don't know about you, but I find it fun to review for other stories. It makes you feel like you're part of the journey. Or maybe I'm just being weird ahah. Oh well :p
Can I just say that you guys are really intuitive?! Kudos for being so smart, and well, predicting...yeah, I'll just let you read the chapter and hate me afterwards...
The Monster Reappears:
Things have been good between Antonio and I lately. Good, with the potential to be great. It was the beginning of August, which meant that we had been dating again for close to two months now. I suppose this would explain why I had decided to visit his apartment today. He used the key that I had given to him on a regular basis, and it was about time that I reciprocated that gesture.
It had become routine for me to come home from work, only to find Antonio and Feli singing along, word for word, to whatever Disney movie that they were watching. The sad part was that Feli didn't even have to teach him the words. What's more, Antonio willingly sang the part of the princess. Well, to be fair, he was just as dumb and carefree as those airheads. Seriously though. When did accepting an apple from a strange old lady ever sound like a good idea?
Regardless, today I would be the one doing the surprising. On Thursdays, Yao typically let me off work early. The dining room was never really that busy in the first place. It was now one in the afternoon. I had a good two hours to kill before Feli's daycare ended. I thought that it would be a fun idea to join Antonio when he went to pick up Feli later. It was just like old times, I suppose. Just thinking about this made me smile warmly to myself.
It was amazing how quickly things had gone back to normal, or rather, close to normal to be more accurate. As always, Antonio still sped like a maniac after picking up Feli and Ludwig from daycare. Poor little Ludwig was suffering from a severe case of PTSD because of that bastard's recklessness. That stands for Post-Traumatic Dumbass Syndrome, if you were wondering.
Antonio's attention span was short, and his boredom usually resulted in him driving at impossible speeds. Gilbert and I nearly had a heart attack every time that that bastard returned our younger (wide-eyed, hair-ruffled, and red-faced) siblings back to us. It was beyond my sense of comprehension why we had entrusted them to him in the first place. Antonio was convenient and reliable sure, but he certainly wasn't the safest option.
Heh, speaking of Gilbert. That pasty bastard had had the ass-whooping of his lifetime the other day. On weekends, Antonio now joined us on our outings to the local park. We would all meet up at my apartment for lunch before we headed out. Little did I know that during that time Gilbert would be struck with an illness that his self-proclaimed 'awesomeness' could never hope to cure: love. Yeah, you heard me correctly all right. Gilbert had fallen in love. It's just unfortunate that the person he had fallen in love with was Amelia's twin sister, Maddie.
Maddie was a sweet girl who took after their timid-natured Canadian mother; whereas, Amelia took after their boisterous, American father. Honestly, I would have never pegged Gilbert as a guy who had a thing for shy girls.
I mean, just look at his last girlfriend. Gilbert had dated Elizabeta on and off all throughout high school. It was only until University where Elizabeta had met her future stick-in-the-butt husband, Roderich. Despite refusing to admit this, it was obvious that Gilbert was, and still is heartbroken about their breakup. At least the pasty bastard was gracious enough to be 'friends' with Roderich.
Maddie was the first girl to peak Gilbert's interest in a long time. And no, I don't mean just for sex. I'm talking about genuinely caring for her as a person.
It was because of pure coincidence that the two had first met each other. Gilbert was being his usual loud self, banging on my apartment door as he pretended to be the 'big bad wolf' for the sake of Feli's entertainment. Antonio was waiting downstairs in the lobby, and Ludwig, who Gilbert was supposed to be watching, had somehow managed to avoid detection, scampering off in the direction of the stairwell.
It was Maddie who had found and brought back the sniffling and snotty toddler back to Gilbert. The pasty bastard had fallen in love with her at first sight. Maddie was demure and soft-spoken, a sharp contrast to Gilbert's loud and brash nature. Hilariously enough, not many words were exchanged between them before Amelia slammed open her apartment door, took one look at her sister's blushing face, and made a radical assumption for the worse.
It was at this point that I had opened my door, but not before clamping both hands over a whining Feli's ears. I had cackled and rooted for Amelia as she repeatedly kneed Gilbert in the balls, all the while warning him to keep his 'fuckboy' hands off her 'virginally pure' sister. All poor Maddie could do was watch and stare in horror as her sister throttled Gilbert around like a rag doll.
Arthur didn't even bother to help. He simply watched the chaos unfold, taking notes every now and then. In the words of the crumpet fucker himself: 'What a brilliant action scene! My publisher will love this!'
You guys probably want an explanation, eh? Oh fine. Amelia saw Gilbert on occasion, and was well aware of his player-like tendencies. We also had the occasional girls' night together, where we ranted about how idiotic the boys in our lives were. I had met Amelia after my first breakup with Antonio, so Gilbert was the only boy who I typically bitched about.
My previous warnings must have worked because Gilbert had been utterly destroyed by Amelia. Antonio had just about cried from laughter when the bruised albino had silently scuttled into the back of his convertible after the incident. Ludwig, on the other hand, had had a hard time understanding why his older brother had let himself get beaten up by a girl. Gilbert justified chivalry as his reason for not defending himself, when we all knew that he was just too stubborn to admit that he had been bested by a 5'5 pillar of pure muscle and feminine will power. Gilbert now had two black eyes to match the equally black bruises on his shins and lower jaw. I told you that I would get back at him, didn't I?
Unfortunately, my violent tendencies still didn't deter the albino from acting like a first-class asshole. In fact, now, he made up every excuse known to man just to visit my apartment, hoping on the odd chance that he would run into Maddie again. Apparently he wanted to show her his 'true awesomeness'. In other words, he was looking to redeem his sorry ass excuse of a first impression. Turns out that Maddie only lived two blocks away, but you won't see me telling that to Gilbert any time soon. The last thing that I needed right now was to be whacked in the back of the head with a baseball bat. I shuddered at the prospect of running into Amelia's 'Hitman Jones' side again.
But where Gilbert's attempt at romance failed and fell short, mine and Antonio's was only growing stronger. We weren't perfect, but we were making things work, and that's all that I could really ask for in the end. He had been helping me out a lot lately, even more so than usual. For example, Friday grocery shopping was no longer a thing for me. Antonio had hired this service to deliver me groceries on a weekly basis. God forbid that his 'precious tomato' be tasked with having to take care of herself. On top of that, the bastard had also enrolled Feli in a youth art class at a nearby community centre.
And so, my stubborn reign of fending for myself had finally come to an end. There was no point in berating the bastard anymore. Yelling at him for buying me stuff would only aggravate his sadistic side, resulting in him purchasing even more pointless crap. Instead, I decided that it would be better to focus on the more important aspects of our relationship. That being, reconciling and coming to terms with our past omens.
Antonio still had his bad days, but he wasn't nearly as estranged as before. He had never been a naturally angry person, so when he did get mad, if you could even call it that, it was likely the result of pent up frustration. He was a bit childish in that manner. The bastard was also persistent in insisting that I quit my job and go back to school. Perhaps in the future I would, but not now. It was still too soon. Call me cautious all you want, but I wanted to confirm that he was here to stay before I decided to move forward with anything else.
Other than small squabbles here and there, Antonio and I were very happy. Feli was elated that we were a family again. Things had never been perfect, but like I said before, we worked with what we had. From time to time, Antonio would have an off-day and feel more depressed than usual. Those days were usually spent sitting on the couch. We spoke very little, choosing instead to let our closeness speak for itself.
It was obvious that Francis's death still haunted Antonio. He murmured and stirred in his sleep all night long. I was always quick to wake him if I knew that he was suffering from a nightmare. I found that more and more, Antonio was staying by my side. He didn't have a job, nor did he need one because of his massive bank account. And so, most of my spare time was spent catering to his loneliness.
I comforted him, and yet, I could still tell that every minute spent away from me made him nervous. Alcohol had comforted him before, and I would do everything in my will power to make sure that that never happened again. His family back in Spain wasn't his family. They didn't care about him. I was his true family, the centre of his world, and he and Feli were the centre of mine. And as long as he kept himself away from that wretched, life-ruining substance, then I would always be the person whom he could confide in.
The bright Antonio that most people knew and loved was not his true self. Deep down, my lover was hurt, lonely, and detrimentally trusting. He was naïve and had a horrible habit of letting others take advantage of him. His past in the harsh world of business had also led to him learning how to take advantage of others. I've always suspected that the primary reason he had taken an interest in me in the first place was because I didn't bow down at his feet. I'll admit, sometimes Antonio can be insufferably cocky. His pride often gets in the way of his better judgement. But, once you gain his trust, and he finally opens up to you, you'll find a person who is just as needy as I am. To be crude and blunt, I didn't let Antonio charm his way between my legs. I was his first real experience of rejection, and coming from a life full of privilege and prestige, this had struck up a chord within him.
That's why Antonio always acted so clingy around me. Feli and I were his first real family. The only people, other than his friends of course, who loved him for who he was as a person. He had opened his heart to me, and because of this, we had formed such a deep connection with each other. Even though alcohol had come between us, that connection had yet to be broken. Antonio always came back to me. In my thoughts, in my dreams, and even through Feli. She smiled exactly the same way that he did. She had been around him long enough to pick up on a few of his quirks.
Today, I would finally be opening myself up to him. I would be taking our relationship one step further. He slept over at my apartment on a regular basis. My coming to his apartment was my way of showing to him that I was matching his commitment to our relationship. More than that, I wanted to strengthen our love for each other.
I didn't realize that I had been blankly smiling to myself like an idiot until the doorman of Antonio's apartment complex gave me a strange look. He then shed me with a quirky smile, pulled the glass door open, and nodded for me to head inside. I bowed my head slightly out of politeness before walking into the front lobby.
My combat boots clacked against the smooth, marble floor. To my left was the front desk and ringing station, where both the bell boy and front attendant were nowhere to be seen. To my right was the resident's lounge, which contained a round-table of burgundy leather couches, several flat screen TVs, and a sleek, black coffee table. On the coffee table, there rested a half-full ash tray. Two of the building's residents, both of whom I unfortunately recognized but hoped to God that they wouldn't remember me, were sitting on the couches, casually slumped over as they spoke in drawling, bored tones.
It was just my shitty luck that Tim and Bella recognized me at first glance. My efforts to duck my head and hide behind my hair were futile. Everyone in the building knew that Antonio and I were back together again, no thanks to that bastard's black hole of a mouth.
The Dutch and Belgian half-siblings perked up at the sight of me. Well, at least Bella did. Tim simply raised a scarred brow at me in a half-interested, half 'what-the fuck-ever' manner. Tim was a tall, sturdily-built man, with spiked blond hair, sharp green eyes, and tightly-drawn lips. He was wearing his usual blue and white pinstriped scarf, tan coloured pants, a causal black t-shirt and inexpensive-looking loafers to match. He had one arm propped up against the arm of the couch, and balanced a premium Cuban cigar between his front teeth. Thick, putrid-smelling smoke wafted through the lobby when he took a puff from the cigar, causing me to cough a little.
Bella, on the other hand, made my insecurity skyrocket. The bright, green-eyed Belgian had cropped, pixie-length blonde hair, that of which was pulled back with a red ribbon, giving me a full view of her impish, heart-shaped face. She was wearing a red halter summer dress, which purposely accentuated her generously large chest, and black ballet flats. Overall, the two siblings dressed quite casually for their lavish lifestyle.
Their ties to each other wasn't just limited to blood, however. They were also very successful business partners, despite only being in their mid-20s. Bella owned a well-known sweets and truffles company, and on top of managing his sister's business, Tim also owned his own brand of cigars. Hence, the cigar that he was currently smoking from right now.
I typically preferred to keep my distance from Tim and Bella. They were pleasant to your face, but turn your back on them and they wouldn't hesitate to slander you. They were ruthless and cunning, as their business roles often blurred into that of their personal lives.
I had always been warier of Bella than Tim, however. Before I came into the picture, Bella and Antonio used to fuck around, and by that, I mean literally. Antonio has always dismissed their 'thing' as something that had never been serious, and since he hasn't given me a good reason to doubt him, I've never felt the need to ask him more about it. Besides, it was probably best if I didn't know the exact details of their past relationship. It's always made me feel uneasy whenever Bella spoke with Antonio, as most often enough, she had a Cheshire-like smile plastered on her face the entire time. She was manipulative and calculative, and no amount of fake pleasantries would ever make me fall for her feigned sweetness.
I jabbed the elevator button with my index finger, scowling to myself when Bella waved a languid, perfectly-manicured hand at me in hello.
"Lovina~!" she sang. "Long time no see, ma chere! How have you been?"
I tapped a boot against the ground, grudgingly turning around to face the two siblings. I stubbornly made a point to avoid direct eye contact with the smirking Belgian. "Fine, thank you," I answered in a curt voice. "And you?"
Tim, who was already bored with where this conversation was going, turned his attention back to watching the Fifa soccer match that was playing on the flat screen TVs.
Bella laughed airily, pretending to ignore my annoyed tone of voice. "I've been just wonderful. Merci beaucoup for asking~!" she purred, bending over to grab a spare cigar from the coffee table.
"So," she hummed, balancing the cigar between her front teeth as she lit the blunt end of it with a lighter.
"Is it safe to assume that you and Antonio are back together now? Hmmmm?"
If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn that I saw a tinge of jealousy flash across her face.
Bella took my blush and incoherent grumbling as her answer.
"How adorable," she patronized. "I'm so very glad."
Bella arched her back, stretching her arms so that her chest stuck out even further, if possible.
DING!
I sighed in relief when the elevator door opened. Bella's mere presence was suffocating. Her words were simple, but her facial expression and the manner in which she conducted herself was so very belittling to those around her. I could only stand her for so long.
"Make sure to treat Toni good, you hear?" she drawled, puffing out a ring of smoke.
I scoffed. "Of course," I huffed.
Obviously my compliance wasn't enough for Bella's satisfaction.
"You better," she chided. "Because if you don't, there'll be plenty of girls willing to take your place…"
I smiled and chuckled to humour her cattiness, only to roll my eyes when the elevator doors finally closed.
"Fucking bitch," I muttered under my breath.
…
"How long do you think they'll last this time?" Bella smugly inquired, tracing her index finger along her glossy red bottom lip.
Tim, who had never been fond of his vibrant, and more importantly, loud and disruptive Spaniard neighbor, simply shrugged in response. "Who knows."
"That's not an answer."
"And that's my cigar you're smoking."
Bella smirked. "Touche."
…
I took a deep breath and inserted the key into the lock. My hands shook as I fumbled with the lock, and after much struggle and a string of profuse cursing, I eventually managed to open the door. I walked into Antonio's apartment, quietly, as I was still intending to surprise him.
Much to my dismay, I was still bothered and worked up from Bella's teasing. What also didn't help with my nerves was the fact that this was the first time I was visiting his apartment since we had had our 'first date'. You see, we spent all our time together back at my apartment. Which, of course, had its own set of consequences. Between Feli's excited squeals, and Antonio's booming 'fusoso' laughter, I was growing very tired of our daily 'slumber parties.' My ears had bled to a point of no return, and I now suffer from 24/7 migraines.
I'll repeat myself again. Today was a big step for me. I was crossing into new territory, walking into a place that used to be my home, but now felt strange and alien to me. More importantly, I was walking into a place that used to be Feli's home. If things kept getting better, perhaps this apartment would become our home again. I could only hope.
I cautiously shut the door behind me and took off my shoes, silently tiptoeing out of the front coat room. I looked around the apartment, feeling reassured once more when I saw that nothing had really changed. I smiled to myself as I spotted the ever-growing pile of Feli's drawings that had been tacked onto the fridge door. I looked up at the apartment's two story glass windows, rolling my eyes at Antonio's stubbornness to not get rid of those godawful red curtains.
I chuckled to myself, inhaling the familiar and comforting smells of sandal wood soap, cumin and rosemary. One thing that I've always liked about Antonio was that he was actually a pretty decent cook. Not as good as me, of course, but his food was still very tasty. But you'll never see me admit that out loud to him. Antonio was used to accepting my grunts, in between stuffing my face like an obese chipmunk, as his approval.
I scoffed, striding past the living room. Coats, shirts, and mismatching socks were strewn everywhere. Antonio had the attention span of a flea, obviously. I made a mental note, reminding myself to berate him for his forgetfulness as soon as I got the chance.
Despite the stray piece of laundry here and there, the apartment was still relatively clean. It was going to take some time for me to overlook the bad memories that I had experienced here. If I wanted to do that, however, I would just have to focus on the good and pray that things stayed that way.
I didn't find Antonio in the kitchen or in the living room. I walked outside onto the balcony's terrace, looking down from my bird's eye view of the downtown area. I frowned a little when I didn't spot Antonio out here either. I had expected to find him either lounging on a chair or watering/ talking to his tomato plants. When he wasn't with me, this was where he spent most of his free time. The freckles on his nose and tanned skin were living proof of this habit of his.
I blushed when an all too familiar image flashed through my mind. Antonio was smiling at me, his pearly white teeth glinting in the afternoon sun, and his green eyes hooded under the worn-down trimmings of his sun hat. It was a smile that was welcoming and genuine, a smile that made me feel like I belonged here, that I mattered…that I meant something to him.
My patience was beginning to wear thin. I grumbled to myself, stepped back into the apartment, and slid the patio door shut behind me. Where could he be? My head snapped upwards when I heard the murmuring of frantic, erratic Spanish. I cocked my head to the side. How unusual. Antonio's bedroom door was shut.
"No…Dad…are you even listening to me?! I'm fine!"
"No, I haven't been wasting my time!"
"But what if I don't want to?"
"I don't mean to be disrespectful. My god, you're not even letting me speak!"
"How many times do I have to tell you this? I don't want to come back. I'm happy here."
"Well if Mom wants to see me that bad, then why doesn't she come here?"
"Because if I come, I know that I'll be forced to stay."
I padded over to the foot of the staircase, hesitantly climbing up to the second level of the apartment. I knew that things had taken a turn for the worse as Antonio's voice became more and more strained, causing me to wince on instinct. He must have been speaking to his family. Judging by the level of impatience in his voice, it was more than likely his father. Antonio never spoke harshly towards his mother.
"Yes, I'm seeing her again."
"Because I love her!"
"Of course she still loves me!"
You see, Antonio comes from a wealthy family. His parents run a successful clothing business back in Spain, and with money, comes lots of power and influence. They expected Antonio to take over the business upon their retirement. And for a good portion of his life, Antonio strived to meet their expectations. His inherently positive attitude and sunny smile had strengthened their business, forming connections and affiliations all around the world. Simply put, he was a natural people pleaser. But while the business grew more and more prosperous, much to his parent's ecstatic delight, Antonio grew more and more disconnected, from both the world and himself. Wearing suits, attending parties, catering to political puppets, and living on a tight, inflexible work schedule didn't give him any satisfaction in life. Small talk to Antonio, likewise to my opinion of it, was insufferable, meaningless, and boring.
Antonio was a bird trapped in the cage of his parents' high expectations. They basically controlled his entire life. Antonio continually let himself get trampled on by those who supposedly loved him. He had sacrificed his happiness many times for them, receiving very little in return. It took him a while, but when he finally snapped, Antonio spread his wings and flew across the world, leaving Spain behind him. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to escape from the scorn that ensued after his departure.
Antonio's parents were absolutely furious over his decision to move away, and till this day, they still express their disappointment in him. But it didn't matter in the end, because Antonio was his own person and they had no right to tell him what to do in life. It's always disgusted me how they prioritized the company more than their own son. They were his famiglia for crying out loud! And yet, they only saw him as an asset to their business.
In the few instances that I did speak with his parents over the phone, I had never received the warm, caring vibe that I've always felt with Antonio. They were cold, calculated, and conniving, but most important of all, uncaring. They didn't approve of Antonio's 'carefree' life. More than that, they were extremely judgemental. I could tell just by their tone of voice that they didn't approve of me. I had once heard his father refer to me as an 'uneducated teen with a snarky attitude.' They thought that his relationship with me would harm their family's reputation. Thankfully, Antonio was having none of their manipulative schemes.
When his parents' attempts to degrade me didn't work, they had even gone so far as to suggest that Antonio take Feli and I back to Spain. Of course, this wasn't for the sake of our benefit, but rather theirs. They would do anything to keep their business' reputation intact.
Antonio's mother was the one who had suggested this, however. In comparison to his father, Antonio's mother was far more tolerable. You could tell that she actually did care for Antonio to some degree, and that she didn't just view him as an asset like his father clearly did. On the flip side, Antonio's mother was always striving to meet her husband's approval. She too was torn between balancing business and family life.
Regardless, Antonio's decision to move away has always been a heated topic in their family. His parents didn't call him that often, but when they did, Antonio would shut down entirely. These conversations wore him out. The frustrations generated from these calls only got worse after his release from rehab. He didn't speak about them that often, but I could tell that they killed him on the inside. I didn't talk to him about it only because I didn't want to upset him further.
From what I understand, as Antonio rarely speaks to me about this, was that his parents blamed his alcoholism as the result of an undisciplined lifestyle. Fucking bullshit, am I right? What a load of self-righteous crap. They were just bitter about him living independently from their realm of control. They had no right to police his life. He was a fucking adult who could make decisions for himself. Antonio was happy living on his own, so why couldn't they just accept that?
By himself, Antonio lived in a very carefree manner. He had made enough money during his time spent as a business executive to live comfortably for the rest of his life. He wasn't as irresponsible as his parents would like to think. He was a bit impulsive, sure, but he certainly wasn't out of control. Francis's death was out of his control. Resorting to alcohol as his way of coping was a bad decision, but he had taken control of that mistake by checking himself into rehab.
And just look at him now. I honestly couldn't have been any prouder. Antonio was finally learning to forgive himself. But of course, his parents just had to have their say in things. They were too full of themselves to realize that they were causing more harm than good to their son. I almost couldn't believe it. This was such a sensitive topic for Antonio to deal with. The troubles of rehab and the stress that resulted from it were still fresh in his mind. Who knows what could trigger him. He was vulnerable, and the last thing that he needed right now was to be stressed out again.
I was suddenly furious. I stomped up the rest of the remaining stairs, walking past his bedroom to sit down on one of the couches in the upstairs lounge. I bit at my nails nervously. Antonio was so clearly distressed. I could hear it in his voice, and just the sound of it alone had caused fresh tears to spring in the corners of my eyes. I had no choice but to sit and wait for him to end his phone call. So much for surprising him.
It appeared that I would have to do a lot of damage control. Call it a concerned lover's hunch, but I was already hurting and feeling for Antonio. I just hoped that my love would be enough to insulate him from the harms that this world has done to him. It had utterly destroyed me to see him throw away everything that he loved, including myself. I couldn't possibly go through watching that again. I shuddered at the mere thought of it.
No.
I shook my head, casting away my doubts over the matter.
…
I had been waiting for close to half an hour now, my head resting in the palms of my hands. Time ticked away at an agonizingly slow pace. I didn't realize that Antonio had ended his phone call until a surprised "Lovi?!" echoed across the hallway, causing me to perk up from my previously slumped position.
I sat up straight, preparing myself for the worse. Antonio didn't look good at all. He was wearing a baggy pair of grey sweat pants and a black muscle shirt. I grimaced at his pale and haggard appearance. His curls were sticking up on one side of his head, looking as if he had raked his hands through it many times. His green eyes were tired and lifeless, despite them widening from the surprise of me showing up out of the blue.
I narrowed my eyes at him. He looked quite funny now that I think of it. His breath was shallow and sharp, and the rims of his eyes had a puffiness and redness to them that I wasn't quite accustomed to seeing…at least…not for a long time anyways.
Was he not getting enough sleep? I mean, sometimes when he slept over at my apartment neither of us got much sleep because of Feli and her annoying tendency to toss and turn at all hours of the night. But I don't think that I've ever seen his eyes this bloodshot before. His cheeks were quite red too. I bit my lip in contemplation. Perhaps the phone call had been more distressing for him than I thought. Even now, when he had just spoken to me, I could still hear the frustration lingering in his voice.
A worrying thought crossed my mind, but I quelled it back with a smile. "Looks like I came at a bad time, huh?" I chuckled nervously, my eyes darting up to meet Antonio's glazed, slightly startled expression, only to look down at the ground, and then back up again at his trembling lips.
Antonio faltered, and for a brief moment, a guilty, conflicted expression crossed over his face. But just as fast as his hesitation had appeared, it disappeared. "Well, this is an awfully nice surprise," he smirked, raising a hand to bashfully rub at the back of his neck. It was a very fooling smirk. I felt an unaddressed tension in the air, and I damn it all, I was going to get to the bottom of it.
"You gave me your key for a reason, bastard," I snorted. "It was about time that I used it, don't you think? Unless you don't want me here," I challenged in a wary, overly cautious tone. I knew Antonio well. He was hiding something. His smiles and light-hearted laughter weren't going to fool me.
Antonio stumbled forward. He was clumsy, too clumsy. "N-no, of course not. I just wasn't expecting you to use it so soon…"
"Soon?" I scoffed. "It's been three weeks. But enough about that, your parents just called, didn't they?"
Antonio avoided eye contact.
I bowed my head in sympathy. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
"Don't be," Antonio murmured in a soft voice. "There's nothing that can be done about it. Besides," Antonio looked up to spare me with a hesitant smile. "I have you here to cheer me up. How come you're off work so early anyways?"
I shrugged, making a noncommittal hum at the back of my throat. "The dining area wasn't busy, and you know how cheap Yao is. I wasn't needed, so he let me off early. I thought that we could pick up Feli together."
Antonio absently nodded his head in response, but didn't bother to say anything. It was like he was in a whole other world, losing focus and absorbed in his thoughts. Pushing through a conversation with his parents had always been tough for him.
He had always been stricken by constant guilt, going so far as to view himself as selfish for going against their wishes. It just goes to show you how overwhelmingly vulnerable Antonio was. It was my job as his partner to ensure that he lived for himself and nobody else. He had catered to enough people in his past. It was time for him to think about himself for once, especially since he was in the process of recovering from something as devastating and detrimental as alcoholism.
"Or…I can pick up Feli on my own…whatever you feel like doing, really," I quietly proposed. "You look like you could use some time to yourself." It was best not to press him when he was like this. If he wanted to talk, he knew that I would be there to listen to him in a heartbeat. But right now, his feelings were too fresh and raw. It wasn't a good time to talk. All I could do was gently comfort him.
I stood up and walked over to him, cupping his face with my left hand. Antonio unconsciously leaned into my touch. Alarm bells rang off in my head when I felt his body tense with apprehension. He still wasn't looking me in the eye.
At this point, my heart was pounding against my ribcage. I swallowed heavily, stammering and struggling to form a coherent sentence. Antonio wasn't responding to me. I was losing him again. He was slipping into another depressive episode. I wanted to cry and scream and beat some sense into his nonsensical, self-shaming mind, but deep down I knew that there was nothing I could do. I was merely the shoulder for him to lean on.
"Antonio," I repeated. "Why don't you get some sleep?" I said, dropping my hand from his vacant-looking face. "Have you eaten anything today? You look a bit pale." I bit my tongue, already feeling the stinging hot sensation of tears welling up in the corners of my eyes.
"How about I get you something to eat?" I couldn't stop the words from spewing out of my mouth. Someone needed to speak because Antonio certainly wasn't going to.
I moved to skirt around Antonio, but didn't get very far. His hand jolted forward in a burst of unexpected energy, grabbing onto my wrist to hold me in place. His eyes widened in alarm, but his lips stretched into a painful-looking smile. His actions and emotions were contradictory, helpless, and pleading. Something wasn't right. Don't ask me how, I just knew it.
"I...uh…n-no!" he stammered, slightly incoherently, almost as if he was struggling to string the words together. "T-that won't be necessary. I'm fine, ahaha! Really! We still have an hour before Feli's daycare ends. I'm sure that I'll be fine by then!"
Antonio's sudden mania was like a fatal blow to the chest. Before I knew it, he had pulled me into a hug. His arms wrapped around my back, holding me tightly. Hot breath tickled my neck as I just stood there, limp as a rag doll, both shocked and grateful to get a reaction out of him.
I numbly placed a hand at the back of Antonio's head, knotting my fingers through his thick wave of curls. He crouched down lower into the embrace, shaking and trembling, and badly at that. It was obvious to me that Antonio was not in fact 'fine'. He was far from it.
For his sake, I decided to let the topic drop. "We should still have some lunch before we go," I grumbled. "I'll make us something quick. Feli's bound to be hungry too."
Antonio pulled away from our embrace, pecking me on the forehead. "W-why eat when we can do something far more…appetizing," he purred.
Something isn't right…
I froze when a familiar sense of déjà vu overcame me. There was a desperation in his voice that I just couldn't overlook. Antonio had never been a good liar. I looked at him and furrowed my eyebrows. Antonio chuckled to make light of the situation and then…that's when I smelled it. Sweet and sickly, but I knew it all too well. No, it can't possibly be that.
Not again…oh God. PLEASE, not again.
"Antonio, have you been?-" I was cut off when Antonio crushed his lips against mine. I gasped out in shock and tried to pull away, but was quickly overwhelmed. His tongue easily slipped into my mouth. I floundered to regain my senses. I balled my hands into fists when Antonio's own hand decided to become explorative.
He's distracting you…
My eyes widened in realization. Antonio didn't want me to go in the kitchen…
He was hiding something from me.
"H-hey! Wh-aah-!" I pulled away to speak, but Antonio showed no intent on relenting. He kept on kissing me, becoming more and more desperate every time that our lips met. A bitter taste filled my mouth, and it was then that I lost all hope in life. My hands moved on instinct, shoving Antonio as far away from me as possible, causing him to sloppily stumble backwards. His coordination was off, and he swayed far more than he should have.
My heart stopped. My mouth opened, and words I thought that I would never have to say again streamed out like a thick, suffocating sludge.
"You've been drinking." The words I spoke were simple, but the anger behind them was so much more than an accusation. It represented both disbelief and complete and utter defeat.
Antonio took too long to answer, telling me everything that I needed to know. My ears rang and my vision blurred. I shoved my way past him, heading in the direction of the staircase. My feet slapped against the ground. I was moving on auto pilot. I was calm, too calm. I was calm until Antonio decided to grab my wrist again.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I shrieked, wincing as the sound bounced off the walls, surrounding our ears with the toxic effects of my lover's own selfishness. I angrily shrugged him off and bolted away. Hot, angry tears streamed down my face.
"Lovi, wait!" Antonio cried, no doubt on the verge of sobbing himself. I thundered down the staircase with Antonio quick on my heels. He swore in Spanish, only to switch back into English as he pleaded for me to let him explain. I didn't want to hear his excuses. I wanted to see his mistakes for myself. I needed to convince myself one last time that he wasn't good for me. I was finally nailing shut the coffin of my bitter, broken heart.
"WHERE IS IT?!" I shrieked, finding the answer to my question not long after. Resting on top of the kitchen counter was a half-empty bottle of wine. Next it to it, was a wine glass brimmed to the top with that sickening red liquid. It was beyond me why I hadn't spotted them before. It just goes to show you how much I had trusted Antonio. I had been aiming to fix his mistakes, not find them.
I stomped into the kitchen, grabbed the wine bottle off the counter, and held it up to the air for Antonio to see. He stumbled forward and skidded to a stop, his eyes wide, and his breathing uneven and ragged. "Lovi, please. You don't understand," he whimpered, despite not fazing me in the slightest. The bastard still wasn't able to look me in the eye. He was a coward. A dirty, filthy, and selfish coward who I unequivocally loved and hated with every fiber of my being.
I didn't want to hear his excuses. I wanted to know why.
"How could you?!" I screamed. "You know what this does to you, and yet you still decided to drink it. Don't you care about yourself? About me? About Feli? Did we really just go through hell and back for nothing?!"
"I-I trusted you, damnit!"
Antonio sniffed. Tears streamed down his face, his Adam's apple bobbing as he finally gained the courage to look me in the eye. The words that he spoke, however, weren't the ones that I wanted to hear. His last chance at redemption was gone. "L-Lo siento, Lovi. You know how hard it's been for me lately…"
Excuses….
"So your only solution was to resort to the one thing that fucked everything over?!" I slammed the wine bottle onto the table, causing Antonio to wince and tremble under the guilt of disappointing me once more.
I raked a hand through my hair, choking back a sob. I just felt so betrayed. More than that, I felt sick to my stomach.
"How could you?" I whispered again. "I'm so fucking tired of this. It kills me every day to see you suffer. How can I help you if you don't talk to me about these things?!"
How did I not see this before?
How long has he been hiding this from me?
It's like I don't even know him anymore…
Antonio bowed his head in shame.
My mind screamed for me to stop, but I just kept going.
"This is what happens when you bottle everything up! You said that you loved me, but now I'm not even sure if I should believe that!"
"Don't you dare say such a thing!" Antonio blurted out, anger leaking into the cusps of his shaky and unstable voice.
Antonio balled his hands into tight fists. "I'll always love you Lovina, and you damn well know that!"
Antonio grabbed onto a chair for support. "I'm done being afraid. I had to start somewhere, and believe me when I tell you that I'm only drinking in small amounts. I can't just avoid alcohol for the rest of my life. I'm doing this so that I can live normally! That's all that I've ever wanted from the very start! I can't live with this constant fear of fucking everything up! That's why I'm drinking again. I'm drinking to have control over my life. I can't live with the thought of knowing that one day I could snap and hurt you again. I have to make sure that that doesn't happen. Y-you understand why I'm doing this, don't you?"
Antonio took a step towards me, his eyes wide and pleading for the mercy and understanding that I couldn't possibly give to him. Not after what he had done. Not after everything that he had ruined for us. I couldn't believe how naïve I was to think that he had actually changed. He had never changed for the better. He was just as impulsive and stupid as ever, and apparently, I was just as gullible.
Some things just never change….
I took several steps back, shaking my head in disbelief.
"No, Antonio. I don't understand. If you loved me, you would have never brought that poison to your lips again. Perhaps, you're right. You would have had to drink eventually, but what you fail to realize is that you're still recovering. Alcohol has never done you any good. It's clear to me that my time spent with you has been wasted. What you've done today is unforgiveable, and I can't possibly bring that recklessness into my life again. You didn't just betray me. You betrayed Feli as well. I gave you one last chance and you blew it. Have a nice fucking life because I'm done too."
Stupid bastard. You fucked up everything by drinking.
Antonio jumped with a start when I stomped past him, heading straight for the door. My chest trembled with sobs, but my mind gave me the strength that my heart had lost so many times before. I needed to get out of here, to get away from the toxic influence that Antonio had on me. He wasn't good for me anymore. Hell, he had never been good for me. My love for him had blinded me to the psychological abuse that went on behind the scenes. We were both addicted to something that was toxic for our health. Except, I was the only one who had the balls to cut off all loose ends in my life. I wouldn't let him drag me down again.
"Lovi! Please! Listen to me! Things will get better, I promise! I-I'm doing this for you! It was always for you!" His words had zero effect on me. Excuse after excuse. He was a child who refused to take any responsibility for his actions. I was done picking up the slack for someone who couldn't reciprocate, let alone make an effort to learn from their past mistakes.
I turned around, lashing out at Antonio with words that had enough spite in them to kill.
"I'm not your Lovi, and you most certainly are not my Antonio. Goodbye, you monster. I have no interest in loving someone who's broken my heart time and time again. Some things just never change, and your selfishness is something that I refuse to overlook for any longer."
Antonio inhaled sharply. I finished us off with one final blow.
"Any love that I had for you is gone. We're done."
Lies…
And just like that, I walked out of Antonio's apartment, leaving behind the first and only love of my life. Funny how the person you love can make you feel such intense feelings of hatred. It wasn't fair, but then again when had my life even been fair? Letting Antonio into my life again was a foolish mistake. I shouldn't have expected anything different.
….
I tore through the front lobby, wiping at my face. Mascara streamed down my cheeks in ugly, clumped smudges. I received several odd looks in response to my appearance. Bella's feigned concern was the final trigger to my anger.
"Mon dieu! Lovina! What happened to you?"
"HE'S ALL YOURS!" I screamed back.
"Pardonne?!"
"DON'T TEST ME, YOU MANIPULATIVE BITCH. YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I FUCKING MEAN!"
…
Bella's eyes widened as she watched a miserable-looking Lovina stomp out of the front lobby. "What did I do?" she pouted, turning to look at her indifferent brother for an answer.
"Isn't it obvious?" Tim clicked his tongue in annoyance.
Bella's lips parted open in realization. "Oh no," she said with a questionable amount of concern in her voice. "They broke up, didn't they?'
"Mhmm," Tim nodded his head. "And knowing that idiot, it was probably his fault."
Please read the author's note at the top of next chapter. It will include a trigger warning.
To be continued...