Looking out, I want to know someone might care
Looking out I want a reason to be there
'Cause I don't know what I've done to deserve you
And I don't know what I'll do without you.
--'Nylon Smile,' Portishead
Seven: Find a Smile
I dreamt of Aeris last night, surprisingly out of nowhere.
I'd dreamt of her before, but not like this: rather than what Sephiroth does, Aeris calls gently and allows me to reach for her and come by my own will. I don't know how many times I've dreamt of her arm emerging from the light, but when I did this time, I willed myself to actually grab it. As I did, her whole body came tumbling down onto me, wrapped in a thin, white garment that didn't cover much. Her form and her breasts were visible through it, and I imagined it as some sort of thing Cetra might have worn.
Aside from that, I recalled pieces of the dream from the only time we ever had a chance to make love, shortly before she disappeared into the Sleeping Forest. It was the first time that I had truly been in control during sex, and for some reason I knew exactly what to do. Unlike how sex is normally for me, nothing seemed dirty or perverted about it all; I can't even describe it without making it seem so.
A faraway memory-dream of sex with Aeris by far surpassed real sex with Tifa, I even thought in my dream as I held Aeris close and felt her around me, though her soft cries and gasps seemed to envelope me even more. When we finished, I lied on her chest and tears rolled down my eyes and onto her breasts, as if I knew that she would die soon, and she stroked my hair as if she were confirming my fears.
--
The kids are at school today and Tifa wakes up early to see me sitting at the wooden table, but with no knife in my hand. When she comes out, I stand up, my goggles on the top of my head, and jingle my keys in my right hand.
"Ready to go?" I tell her with a smile. She wipes the sleep out of her eyes and swallows.
"What? Go… where?"
"I told you I'd take you along sometime this week."
The thought finally registers with her and she flies back into her room.
"Let me get my gloves."
My hand smoothes over the artwork on the table and I pull my goggles over my eyes as I walk out, the sun particularly blinding today. "Bring sunglasses," I call over my shoulder.
--
One thing I noticed about Sephiroth during our little escapades was that he liked my chest in particular. Later on, after Nibelheim, while tracing my fingers along the scar he put there, I would wonder if that was the reason why—perhaps while his tongue trailed along the basin of my sternum, he was actually blueprinting that area for the scar that would always mark me as his.
--
I finished basic training, but sometime prior to this, my SOLDIER trials had ceased and I hadn't been called back. I was worried only a little bit, though, for I was Sephiroth's pet, and knew for certain that he would want me at his side.
After all, I missed countless formations and classes due to his wanting to see me. I walked alongside him in my downtime, where he would lecture me in battle philosophy and various other bits of training. I could have fallen asleep listening to anyone else, but he always made it more interesting, and I fell in love with the sound of his voice. Walking next to him, I got many stares and nasty looks, especially since I didn't have to salute anyone because I was walking with the General. I'm sure other officers talked about it, but nobody said anything—how could they?
I later found that most of why Sephiroth (and really, I) got away with our affair was because everyone was afraid of him—not because of his rank.
For example, I was at the base's gym one day, working out alone, which we really weren't allowed to do, but I hated everyone, and they hated me even more now that I was always seen with Sephiroth. I had heard stories about younger, under aged soldiers being the most vulnerable targets for gang rapes, but it was one of those things where I was convinced it wouldn't happen to me. Of course, that time, it did. Nearly.
While washing my hair, my eyes were closed and I didn't see the three 108th Mountain soldiers come into the shower before they'd shoved me into the tiles, and I felt pain in my jaw. When I tried to open my eyes, soap got into them and they burned, so I was helpless as they threw me down onto the wet, disgusting floor of the shower and pinned my small arms down with their feet.
"Hey," one of them said, his thick Midgar slum accent sliding through my ears like grease. "Look. It's da Gen'ral's boy."
"You sure dat's him?" Another one said, his smokers' cough cutting through his speech. "Damn, I woulda thought he'da been bigger or something."
"Or better lookin'. He's kinda ugly, y'know?"
"Naw, just scrawny."
They'd pinned me down directly beneath where the shower aimed, so I was started to cough and drown, but the soap had cleared my eyes, and I looked to the side at the door to see Sephiroth there, fully clothed.
After a second, the three soldiers looked up too, and froze.
"Get out," Sephiroth barked. "Before I kill all of you."
One of them squeezed out a 'yessir' before they all scuttled out in a file. I stayed on the ground, blood trailing out of my mouth as Sephiroth came towards me, soaking himself.
He looked down at me and sighed, as if to ask me why I'm so pathetic.
And then he picked me up from under my arms, lifting me to the wall. Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around him and looked down as he unbuckled his pants and spat on his hand and rubbed it onto his already-wet cock. My breathing quickened as I watched him lift my hips up and fuck me. I had learned to moan loudly, no matter where we were, because it was what Sephiroth liked, and my cries echoed off of the tiles.
He fucked me harder than usual that day, for usually he didn't go much farther than half way in, but I supposed he had wanted to make a point. I became nauseous, feeling him in my stomach, but willing him to go faster so that he could finish. I watched his dick convulse as he came in me, teeth clenched, and sighed as he pulled out, come and blood oozing out of me.
When he set me down, I went to my knees, not being able to move, and watched as his cape and wet hair swished and sloshed its way out of the shower.
It had always fascinated me that had Sephiroth not shown up, the exact same thing would have occurred without him.
--
The wind whips in my cheeks as I smile, while Tifa tightens her arms around my waist.
"Where are we going?" She yells in my ear, and knowing nothing else, I mimic Sephiroth.
You'll see when we get there.
--
I had heard many threats around post that groups of men had wanted to jump me, but after the three who had attempted in the shower came back from being intervened by Sephiroth, the threats ceased to be anything more than just that.
Of course, everyone made it well known in other ways that they didn't like me. A kid that had regularly spit in my hair during formation was shocked when I turned around and decked him in the nose and returned to position of attention, and the whole platoon backed off after that, especially when I wasn't reprimanded in any way. However, an NCO had once told me, while we were alone, that he hated the sight of me, that it was people like me who are responsible for the lack of discipline in troops and the break down of the chain of command.
When I went to wash my hands in the supply closet and saw that same NCO in there fucking with a trainee, I rolled my eyes and slammed the door in their faces, feeling no qualms about it when Sephiroth would summon me to his office and have me suck him off under his desk as he finished tedious paperwork.
Had we ever been caught? Yes, of course, but it was of no issue. Sephiroth liked to fuck in places where it was even remotely possible: the infirmary, for instance, or recently emptied classrooms. One day, I sat on the instructors' desk while he played with me, my shirt unzipped and my under armor lifted high over my nipples. While my head leaned back, I looked to the door and became startled when I saw four soldiers from my platoon squeezing into the tiny slit the partially open door offered, beckoning me not to look at them because they wanted to stay and watch.
But Sephiroth saw that I wasn't paying attention, so he grabbed my chin and forced it back towards him, before disrobing.
And in front of the audience, he grabbed me by the front of my head, flipped me over on my stomach and fucked me in that classroom, holding my head down so that I looked at the boys outside while I screamed and nearly fainted from the pain.
--
As we careen around the mountain, I listen for Aeris's voice and swear that I hear it, clashing with Sephiroth's deep murmur. I try asking her if she'll be there, but she doesn't answer—their voices are more like hums, simply chords that personify the two, weaving in and out of each other in my head.
As I approach the field, I wonder who will meet me there—him or her—and Sephiroth gives me the most valuable image ever.
Playing with each other in the rooms, fucking in the public showers, giving him head in his office—these things, I felt gave me status and power, like walking alongside him in uniform and being his guide-on bearer during the runs. Everyone hated me then not because I was weak, but because I pleased him, and I drowned myself in that fact.
--
One day, after fooling around, I sat on Sephiroth's desk and swung my legs back and forth, thinking it a good time to ask about my possibility of being in SOLDIER.
"SOLDIER?" Sephiroth had said, surprised, looking up from one of the drawers in his desk. "You were trying out for SOLDIER?"
Oddly, I became upset, but of course the General wouldn't have known about it: I'd never told him. But still, I felt as though it would have been something he had known, perhaps by looking at my file.
But I swallowed. "Well, is there anything you think you could do? I mean, to get me back in the trials. I don't know why they stopped." By this time, I'd dropped the honorific 'sir,' as it just seemed silly to say.
All he said was "hmm," and I didn't press the matter any further.
That night, I snuck out of my barracks after lights out, low crawling past the instructors' desk, even though I knew they wouldn't say anything to anybody if they saw me. I met Sephiroth in his office, for connected to it was a tiny, makeshift bedroom and shower for when he needed to stay late with paperwork. I knocked on the door and entered; Sephiroth took a thin pair of reading glasses off and set them to the side. I was positive that I was the only person who knew that he wore glasses, and that made me smile.
He allowed me to drink tea while I waited an hour or so to finish with his work. When he did, he went into the side room, his arm extending after himself to beckon me to follow him.
I sat down on the bed there, quietly, and he let a out a sigh along with his long hair. As he removed the top of his ensemble, I helped set the pieces down in a nearby chair, neatly, and made sure his hair didn't get tangled in it. When he was shirtless, he hovered over me on the bed and peeled my uniform away, slowly. I had never been completely naked with him, and the sensation of his skin against mine was new and revealing.
He did more than spit on himself to make it smooth that time, and he went all the way in me with each movement. He held my wrists above my head, but when I was close to coming, his hands moved over mine and clutched them; I weaved my fingers through his as if my purpose were to crush them.
We moved to our sides, my knees curled up against my chest, legs over his shoulders. We looked in each other's eyes as he moved in and out of me slowly, and with the way his breathing slowed and calmed, I thought he might fall asleep, fucking me. But he kept his gaze steady on me.
Looking into Sephiroth's eyes is a seperate experience to speak of on it's own, which is why I try to avoid it at all costs. I didn't know it at the time, but in them I saw the Lifestream--a tainted version, even, but they churned and swirled about as if they had all the secrets of the planet to tell.
I came as tears fell, and he held me close, moving on top of me again, pumping me until he came too. When we were done, I felt dazed, the same way I'd feel if I were dehydrated, particularly when Sephiroth pulled me close and I buried my face in his chest.
I don't remember falling asleep that night, but I must have, as when Sephiroth shook me awoke, the sky was pink. I pulled myself away from him and hesitantly got dressed to leave—something was wrong, as I didn't feel like turning to say good bye or giving him a wet, slutty kiss on the way out.
That evening, I was called to my instructors' office and told that I had failed or produced inadequate results for too many SOLDIER trial events, and was taken out of the program. I had partially heard that I would be able to reapply later, but my chances to make it were unlikely, for one of the main tests that I'd failed were bone marrow and weight content—all things I couldn't help. They mentioned that it was a miracle I was even accepted into an infantry position at all. I had the nerve to ask if General Sephiroth would be able to review the results, and the NCO looked at me, disgusted, and said that it was he who gave the final order not to put me back in.
After returning to my room, I'd tried to kill myself. I pulled a cable wire out of the wall and pushed it up into my veins, but I was caught during lights out and rushed to the infirmary. I don't remember it, but they told me that even though I lost a lot of blood, I had kicked and screamed and required four older soldiers to restrain me, even when I was patched up and released to the infirmary to another holdover company. There, I was privately told that I wasn't to see Sephiroth anymore, for the benefit of my health. It wasn't said, but I was sure that it was he who had ordered such a thing, and for nights, I cried thinking about it, longing for him, desperate to hear him call me back into his office, SOLDIER or no.
--
The field and the structure come into view, and the two humming voices cease.
Behind me, a different set of arms pulls at my waist and when I let go of one of the handlebars, I touch a hand, and I know it's Aeris.
My smile widens as she presses her face against my neck, and I remember how she wanted to ride on Cid's airship before we'd met him, and ask her, "Is this good enough?"
"Hmm. It's not quite the sky, but it'll do for now." I don't want to let go of her hand, but I have to turn, and as we whip around the corner, she takes a risk and throws her hands over my eyes. Laughing, I shake her hands away and she sits back down.
I turn around to whisper her name, but as the first syllable comes out, Tifa smiles and nods forward to hear, startling me.
"What?" She asks, the prospect of me whispering to her bringing excitement to her voice.
I turn back to the front. "We're almost there," I say, and speed up around the mountain.
--
A/N: Whoo. I'm almost done with this. I know that in most cases, authors would just publish over periods of time to get more reviews, but I can't do this: I have to write it all now before I lose it, and I've never finished a chapter fic before in my life. EVER. Yeah, I'm one of those bitches.
This story has only been up for one day, but for future readers, I'd appreciate any kind of feedback possible. :3 Questions, comments, constructive criticism: anything, even if you think it doesn't need it. Thanks in advance!