A/n: Ahh, it's been awhile. But with college and all, I'm having a damn hard time scheduling everything… Plus, with three different medical emergencies in the family, I've been more than a little distracted. I won't bore you with the details…
Ah! I did what I swore I'd never do! I threatened people to review! I always hated when other authors did this and now I find myself doing it too! I'm sorry! Ah, what I hypocrite I am sometimes. God forgive me.
Disclaimer: I don't own squat. Haha, double negatives are FUN!
It's been so long since I've seen him smile. It feels like years, which is absurd, since I haven't known him for even one! If you exclude that little Augusta-shooting the moon, 2 year absence stint that Vash pulled a while back… and I do. Oh. What I'd give right now to just see him smile, even if he had to fake it, I'd be so relieved. I might even pull a Vash and cry like an idiot. Hm, now wouldn't that be a real role reversal. Me crying and him faking it.
Why is this so hard? Why is it so damn hard for us? I sigh, presumably softly. Hm, I seem to be doing that a lot these days. But I really can't understand it, how could he? How could Knives do this to his own brother, his own twin! I've heard of sibling rivalry but I seriously doubt that that is the case here. I just don't get it. How could anyone hurt a person as sweet as Vash? It's damn near impossible.
We haven't talked in days. Well, technically he hasn't talked in days. Me, I just keep babbling on. 'Vash how are you today!' Or, 'Oh look at the sky! How pretty it looks at night!' Or even, 'This soup is pretty hot, you better be careful! My mother used to make this soup for me when I was little and sick, but you're not really little, and I'm not your mother…' Oh God, the stupid things I would say just to stop from saying the things that really mattered.
Like, 'Please just say anything. Just talk to me.' Or, 'When you hurt, I hurt.' Then again there's always, 'Vash, I think I'm in love with you.'
Oh to see the look on his face if I said that. 'Vash, I think I'm in love with you.' Would he laugh? Or sputter incoherently from the sheer shock of it? Or simply just keep staring at me with those blank sea foam green eyes of his. Doll's eyes. Dead eyes. Once so full of life, now reduced to two hauntingly blank spheres.
I miss him. I miss the man he used to be. I miss that smile, that big grin he used to wear, stretching from ear to ear. I miss his laugh, if you could even call it a laugh. More like the braying of a donkey… but it beats this eerie silence that threatens to break me as it clearly broke him.
He's sitting outside now, finally. It's the first time he's been outside in a long while. I imagine the sun must feel good on his skin, which had begun to lose its healthy glow. He turned so pale for a while there. Being confined to a bed for over a week tends to do that to people.
He scared me for a while there, just lying in that bed, completely silent. It was worse when he would cry. But he seems to be getting better slowly. So painstakingly slowly… I wonder if he will ever really be the same again. I wonder if he will ever be the same carefree gunman who couldn't hurt a fly, who would spout off 'Love and Peace!' at every opportunity, who could smile and make you forget all the horrible things you've done. I wonder if he will ever be 'Vash the Stampede' again.
But he's getting better; he doesn't look so desolate anymore. And he doesn't cry out at night anymore. And I think I was him grin the other day. He's trying, he is. And he's slowly getting better.
But when Millie and I would care for him at the beginning of his healing process, he would just sit and stare. I would cook and clean, I would bandage him up, I would do anything and everything for him, but it just never seemed like enough. He seemed to be lost in his own little world. There wasn't enough room for me. And it hurt. Sure, I'd smile and laugh and try to be merry, but I wasn't. I was crying on the inside. Oh to touch him again. I can't deny it, I like the feel of his skin under my hands. It brought out something in me, something I'd locked away for years. Something primal and wild. He didn't appear to notice, he didn't seem to care. And it hurt.
It hurt because I knew that no matter what I was doing for him, to him, that he was thinking of her. Of Rem. I knew that he would never care about me half as much as he cared, and still cares about Rem. And it really hurt.
The days have been good to Vash. He grows happier with each passing day. We toil day and night, working, ever working, all for him. And our efforts are starting to pay off. The haunted look has nearly left his eyes. You have to look closely to see it now. He's getting better. Or becoming better at hiding his misery…
He is outside now, I think he likes it out there. That thought, that he likes it here, in this town with me, us, makes me smile. Nudging Millie silently towards and out the door, I close it, making sure to keep it unlocked in case Vash wants to go back inside. It's time we get to work. Now that Vash is awake and alert, and he can care for himself for the most part, I can finally go back to work. It's the only thing I really can do for him now.
The hours blurred together and ran like molasses, slowly, so slowly, as I worked my meaningless shift, at some meaningless bar, for some meaningless men. Who groped me repeatedly I might add. The nerve of some men! Just because they're drunk they think– I stop that tangent before it even starts rolling. Everyone knows my feelings about alcohol and alcoholics by now… Reaching into my pocket, I pull out my key and unlock the door; Millie would be working late today, later than I. Upon opening the apartment, I realize no one is here.
For a second white hot panic enters my chest and seizes my heart in its fiery grip. Where is Vash?! Did he leave me again! My keys slip from my limp, useless fingers. I hardly hear the clatter they create as they hit the tiled floor. For a moment I don't even know where to turn, what to do. I feel so utterly petrified. If he's left, I can't follow him, not this time. After all, look how well that turned out last time. I made him kill a man, it really was all my fault.
And yet, he still blames himself…
Then it hits me. The cliff. He's at the cliff! It's so simple, I almost laugh. But as I try to laugh it dissolves and is engulfed and overwhelmed by a sob. And I stand there in the foyer, cape hanging by one shoulder, door wide open, keys on the floor, uniform lying in a rumpled heap, forgotten in the corner, crying. Crying like my best friend has just died. And it feels right. It feels like I belong here, right here, waiting for him. And caring for him. Loving him, loving Vash like no one else could. And this brokenness that threatened to consume me before now gives me strength. I know where he is, I know what he is, and damn it, I know who he is. And I love him. I love him.
Weak ending! But life is kicking my ass, as I've stated previously. And kids, let me just say, cherish high school! Fucking cherish it! You don't know what you got till it's gone. More to come, hopefully soon. And by soon I mean like 3 weeks… Hopefully.