Almost Lovers

I find myself turning the knob and pulling it open. Roxas has one arm hanging limply at his side. His opposite hand is holding the hanging hand's forearm. His hair is drenched and plastered to all sides of his head. Strange that I didn't notice it raining; my walls are paper thin. I should've been able to hear it. Xigbar does talk sort-of loudly, though. Anyway, Roxas is standing at my door completely drenched. His eyes are averted and I can't tell if they're wet from tears or from rain. I hear a crack of thunder and wince privately. It might be the rain. I hold the door all the way open and motion for him to come in.

He reluctantly steps in and sharply turns on his heel when I close the door behind him.

"When are you leaving?" he asks me, rubbing his arm shyly. Did you know this is the most vulnerable I've ever seen him? It's pretty sad. "I heard you talking about plane tickets. Where are you going?"

I scratch my head uncomfortably, not wanting to explain this at all. If I do, I'll have to tell him what I did to the Strife family and that is something I absolutely refuse to tell him myself. "I'm… I'm being forced to leave. I've been evicted for bitching at my landlord too much," I lie smoothly.

The only person making me leave is me.

"Why? You don't even have enough to bitch about. This place is fine," Roxas argues. "Can't you stay with Isa or Cloud and me?"

"No. I already made arrangements with family," I half-lie. It's not like I couldn't cancel.

Crying whirlpools stare up at me helplessly. "You have to be joking…"

"No, I'm really not." I continue this charade, my true thoughts speaking silently after me. Of course I'm kidding, Rox!

"Fine," he mutters. "Then go. Never come back. See if I care." Please don't leave me. I'll miss you.

"Maybe I will." I'll miss you too, but… This is for the best.

"Burn in hell, Axel!" he screams at me. The best for you, maybe. Promise to come back to me.

"I'll see you there, kid." I promise I'll come back to you.

"Fuck you." Before you leave, can we have one more night?

"Right back at'cha." Whatever you want, Roxas.

"Bastard!" I… I think I love you.

"Tight-ass twerp!" I think I can't love.

"Asshole." Way to ruin the moment.

"Pussy." I have that effect. But seriously, if I could love I think I'd love you too.

"You don't even deserve me, you son of a bitch!" And in that case I would give myself to you forever.

"I don't need your shit!" And I would enjoy it.

A starburst of anger shoots through me. I shove him against a wall with a slam and pin him by his wrists. I press my forehead against his dominantly, eyes set course on making him understand me. He can't be so ignorant that he doesn't know what I really feel. I know I could hear the true conversation. …Couldn't he?

He has to know the truth.

I blink when he suddenly sobs and buries his head in my chest, nuzzling in my baggy black and red sweatshirt. "Don't leave Axel. I've lost so much in life. I don't need to lose you, too."

I purse my lips curiously at this. He doesn't want to lose me… Someone actually… cares for me? Someone wants me? I've never felt that way before. I've never thought anyone even gave a shit, but… "What am I to you?" I ask.

He stops writhing in my grasp and attempting an escape when I ask him. "What do you mean?" he inquires.

"I'm serious," I assure him. "What am I to you? Am I a friend? Am I a fuck buddy, friend with benefits, tool, what? What am I to you, Roxas?"

And I wonder if he can hear how distressed I am. I wonder if he can hear me going crazy over this in my mind. I'm suffering inside because that stupid asshole Demyx is going to tell him what I did to Cloud's family. I'm suffering because of what I did.

So I'm hurting myself now, aye?

Fuck masochism.

"I don't know…" he whispers, demeanor changing from upset to more upset and his face paling. "I don't know what you are to me."

I knew he was fucking stupid.

"So why the hell would you need me to stay?" I exasperate, glaring into his eyes. He tries to look away, but I don't allow him to. I drop one of his wrists and cup his chin. "Why would you even need me at all, Roxas? Shit. Why would you even want me? Are you stupid?"

Roxas glares at me. "I'm not fucking stupid. You're the idiot here! I don't want you to leave. If you're fucking shocked that someone wants you than maybe you shouldn't fucking leave them you stupid fucking fucker!"

"How many times are you going to say fuck before you realize it lost its effect?" I ask him, slamming my hand over his mouth. He blinks in shock after spaz-attacking for the past God-knows-how-many seconds. "I swear you are so insane it's ridiculous. Are you a schizophrenic, Rox? Because that's the kind of thing you tell someone before you fuck three times." His face turns bright red. "So calmly, please, tell me what I am to you. Honestly."

I remove my hand from his mouth cautiously. Abruptly he starts swearing at me again. I groan in impatience. I really don't have time for this.

On the contrary, I have all the time in the world. I grab both sides of his face and capture the smaller boy's mouth with my own fiercely. He squeals, trying to push me off. Needless to say, I decline the idea of losing to him. I make sure he is pressed firmly against the wall by shoving my left leg between his thighs, pressing hard against his… well… you know. He moans loosely, not holding back at all, much to my pleasure. With much struggle, though, he manages to pull back. I frown; he holds me off so he can speak. That I accept.

"You want to know what you are to me?" he asks. Yes. I nod fervently. Finally I get my answer. He shoves me ferociously off of him. I stumble back a couple feet in startled recoil. "You're coming with me," he informs me, grabbing my hand and dragging me out of my apartment. He slams the door behind me and has me trailing mere steps behind him.

Another sudden mood swing, huh? Who knew having this kid around would be so interesting.

When he looks over his shoulder and smiles sadly at me, the after-rain sun making his hair glisten and eyes twinkle, my heart jumps. His smile illuminates the darkest recesses of my mind. For one brief moment I contemplate staying, knowing all too well my life would be ruined.

Poor Roxas has no idea that that moment will never happen again. He opens the passenger door of his Miata (which really fucking exists!) and then walks around to the other side. He speeds out of the lot and down the street.

x

He had me scale a four-story building with him.

He had me risk my life to get to the roof when we easily could've walked up stairs then the fire escape.

But no—my dear, sweet little Roxas wanted me climbing a wet ladder up the south side of a ginormous building with an dark empty alleyway beneath us.

The things I do for this kid nowadays…

So when we get to the top, we sit near the edge, looking out at the raving city beneath us, filled with life and movement. People look like ants. Ants look like amoebas. Amoebas don't look like anything because we cannot see them. The sun is setting early tonight, I notice. Roxas' face is flushed. He looks like he has something on his mind. I want to ask him what it is.

"I used to come up here with my brother, you know," he suddenly tells me, distantly looking out at the colorful horizon.

I turn to look at him. His hair is finally drying out. "You have a brother?"

"I had a brother," he corrects sadly.

I hang my head, unsure of how to respond. "What happened to him?"

"The same thing that happened to Cloud's parents," he says. I gulp. If I killed Roxas' brother too, I swear to you, God that I will jump off this fucking building right now. "He accidentally set himself on fire when he was ten. No one could save him. When we were younger our parents would let us roam the streets. We ended up here a lot." He chuckles amusedly. "He would somehow always materialize sea-salt ice cream out of thin air. I had no idea how he did it. It was part of his magical persona."

I see the emptiness in his gaze and wonder if he actually misses his brother as much as it seems. "At least you have memories of him," I say weakly, trying to make a positive out of a negative. "Not everyone gets those memories."

"No," he agrees with a forced smile. "I guess not." He sighs. "I guess I don't want you to leave because I already…" he trails off.

"What about already?" I press, curious about what he meant to say.

"I used to have this girlfriend," he begins. I snort at that involuntarily. Chicks are something else alright; especially since this kid is only fifteen. It couldn't have been that serious. Roxas looks confused as he continues. "She was a lot like you. She was overconfident and a sex-fiend and really quirky and a redhead." So he's always had a thing for redheads, huh? "Then one day I came home from school to find a note on my pillow. We had been together since the beginning of middle school and then she just dumped me near the end of freshman year. We've only been broken up a month and a half." He tilts his head and turns to look at me. "At least I think so. Time goes by so differently with you around that I have a hard time keeping track."

I smile at him. I'm flattered.

"I know it's only been… what… a week since I met you?"

I nod. "Yes, just about a week now."

He laughs, apparently shamefully at himself. I wonder why before he has a chance to explain. He turns to me and beams. "It feels like I've known you for ages. Maybe even my whole life."

I stifle a cough, trying not to give away what he might now if he really had known me his whole life. "Well, maybe not your whole life, but a couple years for sure," I recommend in opposition to his theory.

"Yeah, that works. But it's just…" He scratches his head adorably. "I don't want you to go. I don't think I'm in love with you or anything stupid like that right now, but… the more I'm around you, the more I want you around."

Which is exactly why I should leave…

"Which is exactly why you shouldn't leave," he tells me. My eyebrows shoot up. "You shouldn't go anywhere yet because you don't know where things could pan out here. And I'd miss you a real fucking lot."

Do I look sad right now?

My heart is full of regret. The things I do to people hurt them- hurt me, even. All I ever do is hurt people. I want to get away from this and start over. None of this would be a problem if Isa hadn't dragged me to church one damn time. Wait. I'm not going to blame Isa for this; it would not be fair. In the end, I started this.

I find myself enfolding Roxas in my arms. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and inhale his scent. Good Lord, does he smell fantastic. He slowly returns the embrace and kisses my neck. He whispers, "I don't want to lose you."

And it's weird because between thoughts of disgrace and shame shrieking at me, I hear him add something else to his sentence. It makes my heartbeat slow down so much I think I could die, but not in a bad way; I would die in peace.

His voice is broken and inaudible, but I hear him loud and clear. I hate myself for hearing him say it, though. I hate myself for forcing myself on him. I hate myself for being this close to him when I don't deserve it. This is why I have to leave, Roxas. Can you not see? Can you not see how bad I am for you? We could burn entire cities to the ground, which is exactly why… I have to go.

It's a shame. All these years of building up an impenetrable wall around me to keep people out and hide away where no one could touch me and no one could care for me; a world where I was the only one who had to care for me and no one else had to worry; I lived eighteen solid years of life and it took five days with one person to smash it all to pieces. Never has anyone torn me apart so much inside—not even my best friend. Isa could never make me hate myself this much. Isa could never make me feel so much. Isa could never be quite like Roxas. Roxas is something special. Obviously if he has me thinking so much that my head hurts more than it did when Isa tried cracking my skull open with a steel rod on my seventeenth birthday, there has to be something unique.

I could never let this go.

But I am going to because I am a selfish bastard.

Because when Roxas finds out… when Cloud finds out… my life will be over. Without this feeling of feeling alive that Roxas bestows upon me, I will go back to emptiness and hopelessness. He is my little light.

This is why I have to leave you, Roxas.

Because I love you so much it hurts.

ZOMG! Axel has emotions! Shocker of the century. Just kidding. Ha. I'm so funny. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! By the way, I'm threatening you guys this time. Six reviews or no update xD for five days. That's right. I'll make you wait until people are nice enough to review because this thing has fricken 20 alerts and over 1,200 views. (Which I'm very pleased about; thank you so much!) I just don't think it's fair, y'know? Not that I earned the respect or anything. I'm just being a pain in the neck. You know the drill.

I strongly recommed listening to Almost Lovers to this. I mean, go back and read it again to that song. It sort-of changes the mood; at least I think it does. .