Massachusetts
.
"Alright. This is a good one. How does your partner rate as a lover?"
Maura nearly dropped the box she was carrying. "Pass!"
"No, wait!"
She set the box down and shook her hands in front of her, "Pass, pass, pass, that's none of your business."
"Of course it's my business, hush up," Jane joked, glancing down at the grocery line magazine in her hands. She'd been asking Maura the questions all morning.
"Jane."
"You would describe your," Jane scrunched her nose, "lovemaking as A, wild animals. B, sweet and slow. Or C, at least he tries."
Maura knelt in front of the box and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, "Uhm B? A? No, no... Yes. B?"
"Okay, if you say so. Okay next one. How often to you and your partn-"
"No! Pass!"
"Why?"
"Pass!"
"This questionnaire isn't gonna work if you don't answer all the que-"
"Wait," Maura said, perking up as she recognized the song playing on the radio beside Jane. "Turn up the radio."
"You like this?"
"I love this song."
"Me too."
Maura reached for another box, laughing at Jane's failed attempts to hum the song. "You liar. You don't know this song."
"Yes, I do. You used to sing it in the shower all the time."
She pulled at the flaps of the box, pausing for a second, registering Jane's words. "You went in the shower with me?"
"Maybe."
"Jane Rizzoli!"
"Shh, this is your song, Maur." Jane turned it up and stood from the bench she'd been sitting on. She started to move her feet to the music, mock-dancing in a way only Jane could.
"You're... silly."
Jane flopped back down on the bench, "But you love me."
"I do, y-"
Ian cleared his throat behind her. There was no phone nearby. No excuse for talking to herself this time. Jane turned down the radio, but she didn't leave. And something in that comforted Maura.
"Oh hi, Ian."
"Is this more of your, uh, shedding?"
"Is what more?" she asked, hoping he didn't hear her talking to Jane.
"You were dancing."
"Oh, I was? I guess I didn't realize."
"We'll talk later," Jane said before fading out into the dull background noise of the street outside.
Ian looked around the cellar, "So what brings the party down here?"
Maura glanced at the mess of boxes she'd made. "I was just looking for my old photo albums. I thought they were in the corner."
"Yeah... Last time I saw them they were right there. God, I hope the cleaner didn't throw them out."
"No, that doesn't make any sense. Sarah would have asked-"
Ian cut her off and changed the subject. And right then, she knew for certain he'd gotten rid of her pictures. She had no proof, but for once in her life she just knew. "I ran into Carol today. She was talking about that painting class you said you were going to take."
"The drawing class," she corrected. "I don't have to go, if you don't want."
"No, no. I think it's great. You know, get you out of your... the cellar."
Maura took a step back, "Why would Sarah throw out my photos?"
"I'm not saying she did, honey. But maybe it was an accident," he ran his hands up and down her arms, trying to comfort in her a way that felt only restrictive and stiff. "What do you want with them anyway?"
"Nothing, I just wanted to show them to J-" she stopped herself. "I just wanted to look at them again."
"I'm not saying don't find them. That's a healthy thing. In fact, I can help you look for them. I have my council meeting at six, but it won't kill me to be a few minutes late."
Maura shook her head, "Yes, it will."
He smiled, clearly relieved to be shed of another small obligation. Maura knew how busy a man he was. He didn't have the time to help her look for something so trivial.
"Thank you."
.
.
New Mexico
.
Jane wiped her hands on her jeans and stepped out of the bathroom, not all that eager to get back to her game.
"Everything come out okay?"
Jane chuckled. This time she could feel it for real. "You're drunk this time, aren't you?"
"I've barely had anything to drink. But give me time, partner."
"So now you're drunk, cowgirl Maura."
"Yes, I am... I got wine on my pants, Jane," Maura slurred, squirting some kind of laundry spray on the jeans draped across her lap. Another laugh bubbled out of her. "What's Ian going to think?"
"Where is old Ian."
"Meeting." Maura climbed down off the counter and stumbled to her feet. "Have I given you the tour of my luxurious home?"
"Yeah, you have."
Maura walked toward the TV anyway, spouting out random descriptive words. "Elegant, modern entertainment center. The perfect addition of every home-"
"Did you ever find those pictures you were gonna show me?"
"Mmm-" Maura finished off her wine but kept the glass in her hand. "They're gone."
"Wait a minute, what happened?"
"They're gone." she started to climb the stairs, stopping to take a break in the middle, "I have been through the entire attractively furnished house. Maybe the maid ate them, Jane. I once watched a special about a woman who ate newspaper. Jane! We should get them to make one about my maid!"
"Your maid ate your pictures?"
Maura pushed her hand over her face, "Or maybe my husband slipped them into the trash."
"Are you serious? Why the hell would he do that?" Jane shut off the game and sat down on her bed.
"Because he knows me. Ian takes care of me."
"That's not taking care of you... that just sucks."
"He's not being mean, Jane. He knows how I get sometimes, looking through that stuff. It doesn't matter anyway. I know them all by heart. There's my mom when she's little," Maura held out one finger, "she has my eyes: hazel-green with flecks of panic. And then her teaching me how to swim. Notice how I'm grafted to her arm... Not a success."
"Yeah?" Jane smiled, wanting Maura to go on.
"And then," Maura laughed again, spinning the stem of the wine glass between her fingers, "there's this picture of a pony. I don't know why it's in there or who it belonged to, but there it is anyway... And there's my dad. The scariest man who ever lived. When I was a little girl, it amazed me that even grown ups were scared of him." She laughed once more, bitterly. She wasn't happy. Not in the least bit. "My parents... All they ever taught me was how to be afraid, and I went out and found the copingest man alive, so he could take care of me. So he could get rid of the past. Chipping away at it. All my little quirks and insecurities. Until... viola. Nothing left."
Maura looked at the glass in her hands one last time, before tossing it over the railing. It shattered on the wood floor below, but Maura seemed beyond caring. Instead, she merely pulled herself to her feet and continued up the stairs.
"Hah. Nothing like a little truth to sober you up, huh?"
"I'll tell you about my family," Jane said finally, voice low, eyes glued to the floor. "I got two brothers. Frankie and Tommy. They were with me when I got busted. It was my idea, they just came along for the ride... They got away with some community service... I didn't, as you know. And my ma... I put her through so much, by the time I got popped she stopped talking to me. Didn't even wait for the trial." Jane raked a hand through her hair. She'd never told Maura about any of this.
"I've never met anyone I didn't disappoint. Where it wasn't my own fault. I mean... the best thing, the only thing about me that I like is you."
She could see Maura's bedroom now, cast in darkness, but there was just enough moonlight to make out an outline. Maura stood once more before the floor-length mirror in nothing but an oversized blue, button-up shirt.
Jane leaned back against the headboard. "Oh, fuck."
"I wish you weren't so damn pretty, Maura." She ran her hands over her face, "I know it's dumb and shallow and, I mean, you're married, Maur, and I'm on parole... Still sometimes I think... I just wish you weren't so damn pretty."
Maura grabbed the bottom of her shirt, slowly undoing the bottom button. Jane sank deeper in her pillows, staring up at her ceiling like it was the most magnificent thing in the world because right then, it was.
"Maur-" her words died in her throat as the blond's fingers moved higher, undoing the next button, and the next until the sides of the shirt fell apart. Maura shrugged it off her shoulders and let it fall to the ground.
There she was. Just standing there in front of the mirror, perfect in a way Jane had never known.
"Fuck," she said again. She had more to say, but she couldn't find the words. All she knew was that Maura was it. Really it. "I'm in so much trouble."
Maura placed a hand against the mirror, eyes absolutely unreadable in the faint moonlight.
"I want to know what you feel like."
.
.
Massachusetts
.
Maura looked back and forth between the model and her own drawing. The object of the class wasn't perfection. She knew that. But that didn't stop her disdain from setting in and the sheer mediocrity of her piece.
"Oh, stop it. It's great. It's cool. Look at Carol's." Jane pushed a damp towel over the hood of a Jeep, no longer caring about hiding her conversation with Maura.
She glanced over at the slightly odd drawing on her right, stifling a laugh as Jane just had to input.
"That's a little abstract there, Carol."
A quiet laugh escaped her, turning half the heads in the room. "Sorry."
She turned back to her drawing, accidentally adding a stray line as someone knocked on the door behind Jane.
"Hey, Maur. I gotta go. That's my boss."
"Okay, I'll see you," she whispered as quietly as she could manage, but when she turned to look back at the model, she noticed Carol quickly turning her eyes away.
.
.
New Mexico
.
"What's going on, Cavanaugh," she asked, shoving her hands into her pockets. It wasn't everyday, her boss showed his face.
"It's not working, Rizzoli."
"Uhm, what's not? Wait, are you... are you firing me?"
Cavanaugh sighed, "If you were me, Jane, what would you do? Keep the ex-con who talks to herself all day? You frighten the customers. Look, next time you get a job, just uh, let your imaginary friend stay home. Okay? I'll give you a recommendation if you need one, you just can't stay here. I won't lie. But I'll say you were honest."
.
.
Massachusetts
One Week Later
.
Carol was right about the drawing class. It helped.
She'd been drawing that classic bowl of fruit, when the class ended and everyone began packing up, leave her and just a few others that were just as determined to finish as she was.
"Hon," Carol said from beside her, startling her into dropping her pencil, "I'm your friend."
"Oh, good- I mean, yes, of course you are."
"You can tell me. You really should."
"I honestly... I have no idea what you're talking about." She bent to pick up her pencil, deciding it would be best to finish up on Wednesday instead.
"Not at all?" When Maura gave her no answer, Carol continued, "Well, everybody's concerned. Is something going on? You can tell me."
"There's just nothing to tell, Carol. I'm fine."
Carol studied her face closely as if she could pick out a lie that didn't exist. "Have you been seeing someone?"
"Oh, god no. No, no, no, no. I couldn't. I'm married," she held up her left hand for emphasis. "I would never."
"Oh! I meant a therapist," Carol said, her eyes suddenly widening. "You're having an affair?! Oh my god."
"No, no, no!"
But Carol was hearing none of it. "You don't have to tell me who unless you want to because I'm very good at keeping-"
"Carol, I'm not. I'm not having an affair."
"Oh, and we never had this conversation," Carol said giving her a wink. "Oh, poor Ian... Oh, I didn't mean that. You don't have to tell me who, that just explains everything!"
"Explains what?"
Carol tucked her hair behind her ears, "Well, I don't mind telling you now that I know you're not crazy, but everybody's talking. Well, you must know that."
Maura reached for her jacket, "Everybody's taking about me? Why? Don't they have lives?"
"Oh, my lips are sealed, Maura. They are zip-locked. You don't have to tell me who he is, but is it someone I know-"
"Carol, honestly, I am not having an affair. I swear. I'm just crazy."
.
.
New Mexico
A Few Days Later
.
After Cavanaugh let her go, Jane had been spending the better parts of her days at Dan's, drinking a little more than she should. But what did it matter. It wasn't like she had a job to get back to.
Maura did a lot of drawing these days. She was even getting pretty good at it. They talked a little now and again, but Jane knew Maura understood the space she needed right now.
"Janie!" Tommy boomed from the back of the bar.
Of fucking course.
"Where've you been?" Frankie asked, settling into the stool beside her. "It's been forever, sis."
"I've been busy."
"We've been waiting on you."
"Have you?"
Frankie's jaw clenched, "Enough screwing around, Jane. Are we doing this or not?"
"Let's do it," Jane agreed, figuring there was that much left to lose, but a whole hell of a lot more to gain.
Frankie slipped her a folded up piece of paper, "Alright, here's the address. We're gonna need you to roll up there, check the place out, y'know? We go in Thursday night."
"Let's go do it now," she said, holding her arms out to her sides. "Let's do it now. I mean, what am I waiting for? This is what I do. I'm a criminal. Just like you two. Who am I kidding?'
"Maybe you've had enough, sis," Tommy cut in. "Head home. Sleep it off."
"Nah, I'm fine. Let's go." She said, standing up and staggering on her feet.
"Jesus, Janie, go home," Frankie said, grabbing her by the arm.
Jane shrugged him off and leaned against the bar, "You know what, I can't. I can't mess with Maur. I can't upset her like that. She lives in my head Frankie, with Ian.. Excuse me Dr. Ian. And what am I gonna do when she finds out that I'm just like everybody said. What am I gonna do then, Frankie?"
"You've got voices in your head? Is that what you're saying, Janie?" Frankie said, rolling his eyes and turning away.
"I gotta world of crazy up here, so why don't you find yourself someone a little more stable to be your wire man. Maybe I'm not your girl. I mean, burglary's a pretty tricky piece of business-"
"It's time to shut your mouth now, Janie."
She shoved his chest hard, and he stumbled back a few feet. "You don't scare me, little brother."
Tommy grabbed her at her shoulder catching nothing but air as she spun around and landed a solid punch in his shoulder. "Get outta here, Tommy. And get away from him."
Frankie yanked Tommy back over to him and shot her a serious look. He'd grown up a lot since she got locked up. Just not in the right ways. "I don't care that you're our sister. You screw this up, you're done."
.
.
Massachusetts
. .
Ian made his way out to the waiting room and scanned the chairs.
"Carol." She looked up and smiled as he walked out to meet her, "Hi, I just got the call that you were here. What's the occasion?"
Carol sighed and closed her eyes tightly. It was clear this woman had something troubling on her mind.
"What's the matter?"
"It's Maura..."
She said more, but Ian couldn't hear most of it. Certain words ignited like 'secret' and 'affair' and bother just blurred in with the rest. And as Carol walked away, a pure sense of fury washed over him.
..
.
Maura's boots crunched through the snow, each step bringing her closer and closer to the site of her childhood terror.
"Do you recognize it?"
"That doesn't even look any smaller."
She'd always known exactly where it was. Even after all these years, she never forgot the fear she felt while on that sled twenty-five years ago. "I never came here again. I was scared. I just felt like there was something here. Something too grown-up. Too real." She stopped to look at the tree, relieving every second of it with just a glance. "Do you think this is the place that made me crazy? Or does it go further back?"
"Come on. You're not crazy Maura."
"I was once. Right after college. Before Ian and I were engaged. I... I kind of fell apart. Couldn't deal with anything, so I spent some time in a hospital upstate. Rehabilitating, as they called it."
"I didn't know about that."
"Yeah, you missed that one. Probably because I missed most of it, too. I could feel anything, so I'd just lay in bed for three months, some days trying to work up enough energy to cry or think about crying... Ian was with me through all of it. He read to me and sat with me. He tried to get me through it, Jane. he probably did because it sure wasn't me." She hugged her arms around herself. "I was too weak."
"Maur, how can you say that? I mean, what you did for me?"
"Have I made your life any easier, honestly?"
"Yes."
Maura dropped down into the snow, not caring about ruining her jeans or really anything. "You know, Jane, I can't read your mind, but I know when you're lying."
"Maura, don't do this."
"I can't live like this. Jane, Ian is my husband. I know you don't like him, but I need to be with him. I need to find him again."
"Yeah, you gotta do what you're told, right?" Jane said harshly. Sharper than anything Maura had heard from her before.
"That's not fair."
"Fair? You wanna talk to me about fair? I finally, for once in my life, I could see something real, and then you tell me I gotta give it up, so how do you come at fair?"
"I can't be with you and I..." she pushed herself to her feet, brushing off chunks of snow, "I can't play at this anymore."
"It's not a game. It's not something that you play. What am I supposed to do?"
"You are going to be fine. God, Jane, you have so much. You... you blew me away. You know that, you... I'm never going to forget that."
She could feel Jane's desperation, and that alone threatened to change her mind for her. "Couldn't we just-"
"No."
"How do you expect me to just shut you off?"
"Because you love me."