A few days later

Red was still recovering from the gunshot and Liz had too much time to think about him and her feelings. She didn't know what to think about her own actions and she didn't know what they meant. In fact she didn't even wanted to explore why she did, what she did. But her mind kept traveling back to that night no matter how hard she tried to forget. She still could remember the softness of his skin. It was maddening. She was more confused than ever. How could she step over so many lines? It didn't helped that Red once told her that lines in the sand disappear with a breath of air. Lines were important and some lines should never be crossed. She was drunk when she tried to seduce him but that didn't made her feel better. It was no excuse. Usually she never behaved like that. Liz had no idea what has gotten into her. Was she really attracted to him? How could she be? She shouldn't even care for that man and yet she knew there was no point in denying it. Liz cared for Red more than she wanted and much more than she should. But she couldn't go down that road. After all Reddington had killed her father and to be honest she had no idea what his agenda was. She needed to distract herself from Reddington and from her confusing feelings. She needed a time out. Time to clear her mind and to pull herself together. But here in this tiny dark apartment she couldn't do that. She needed a chance of scenery. Liz took her phone and called Cooper before she could change her mind. A moment later she heard him saying "Cooper."

"It's Keen, Sir... I would like to take a few days of."

He was quiet for a moment and considered it. Reddington said that he need some time to recover. Right now there were no cases and Agent Keen deserved a time out.

Liz got impatient and asked "Sir?"

"How many?"

"Only a few days... a week maybe."

"Okay a week. I expect you to be here Monday morning seven o'clock."

"Thank you."

"Take care of yourself, Keen."

"I will, Sir. Goodbye" and with that she hung up. Ten minutes later she had booked a flight to Nebraska. She would leave in three hours and she immediately felt better. It was a good idea to get away, she thought to herself.

Three hours later Liz entered the airport and then her phone rung. Her display showed her that it was Red and she grunted in frustration before she answered it with "What do you want?"

"I am much better, Lizzie. So nice of you to ask. How are you?"

"What do you want, Red? I don't have all day."

"Are you busy?"

"Yes."

"Busy doing what?" She didn't answer and a moment later she heard him saying "Lizzie." in that damn deep voice. She breathed deeply and answered "I have a plane to catch."

"And I have new information for you."

"Well.. it has to wait, Red... I will be back next week." Now his voice changed and he asked in a serious way "Where are you going, Lizzie?"

"I really have to go now." she said in a rush and hung up.

Five hours later she was sitting in a small diner in Nebraska. It was a lovely place. Every time she went home, she and Sam ate there and talked. Now she was sitting here all alone. She paid the bill and went outside. It was cold but it was good. She finally could breath. The snow was lying upon the trees and on the streets. It was a perfect picture. It was simply peaceful. Tonight she would sleep in a hotel, tomorrow she would rent car and visited the cabin she used to go with Sam, when he had a sudden desire for fishing in the spring.

It was early morning when Liz arrived at the cabin. It was as beautiful as ever. It was so peaceful around hear. All she could hear was the shallow bicker of the lake. Liz went inside and opened the window. A moment later the entire cabin smelled like the world outside. Snow, coldness and the nature. She needed fire wooden badly. There was no heater in the cabin, all she had was the fireplace. So she went outside again and chopped firewood and took it back inside.

Liz placed it beside the fireplace and glance around. She was all alone. She had no husband. No father. No family. A sudden flash of sadness rushed through her veins. It was all too much, Red, her father, Tom, Meera`s death. The only lead she had to Berlin gone. All she had now was her job. Nothing else was left. There were only a few times in her life when she felt like this and back then Sam was always there to catch her. After he was gone she had Tom and she desperately wanted her marriage to work and when that was messed up too, Red was there to catch her but right now, she had no one. Now she realized how lonely she was. She had no family, no real friends who stick with her through moving and growing up. No one to trust enough to tell how she really felt. Liz was a total mess. She placed herself on the old couch and asked herself where she went that wrong, where was the mistake, she made that leaded her and made her end up, where she was now. Liz sighed deeply put her head back and closed her eyes. She hoped that she would calm down but all she could think about was Reddington.

It was so wrong. She still couldn't believe that she tried to seduce the man who killed her father. How sick can someone be? Red was a criminal, a murderer and he had certainly no interest in her. It was pathetic that she even had such thoughts. She felt ashamed and kept asking herself what was wrong with her.

A moment later Liz stood up and went into the small bedroom. She could still smell him. It was like he was still there. In moments like this, she missed Sam even more than usually.

He always knew what to do and he always made her believe that everything would be okay by the end of the day. He made her strong and made her believe that she could survive everything but now she hadn't the strength in herself, she needed him. She needed him to tell her that it was okay. That it was okay to be weak sometimes and that he was here to catch her. Now she had no one.

Tears were silently running down her face and she didn't go to the bother of washing them away. Her heart and her mind were troubled more than usually and she really needed to breath. A moment later she decided to visited his grave. Half an hours later Liz was at the graveyard. With fresh flowers in her hand she walked to his grave. It looked like the day the funeral was. Her aunt was doing a good job. The flowers on his grave were as fresh as the one Liz has bought. She couldn't help it but the tears were falling again. There were so many things she wanted to say to him but all she could mange between sobs was a whispering "I miss you, Dad."

An hour later she didn't felt much better now she even felt ridiculous. What would it help talking to a stone? Maybe there was nothing after but she had no intention to go down that dangerous road, too. She has been on too many, too dangerous roads these last days. It had to stop right here, right now.

She walked along the streets and a moment later she reached a cozy bar. Sam had spend a lot of time there and when she had visit him, they often went into that bar. They had a few beers and talked about everything. Liz entered the bar and placed herself in a booth. A moment later Meg, the waitress, greeted her, they had a brief chat and then she took her order. Two minutes later the waitress bought Liz her beer. The first sip was really good and while the beer was running down her throat, someone she knew entered the bar. Liz couldn't believe her eyes, when a man with piercing blue eyes, a fit body and very dark and short hair walked straight to her. Liz stood up and the man said in a deep voice, while he pulled her into a hug "Liz. You look beautiful as ever."

"Jason, it is good to see you." Liz placed herself on the booth again and smiled at Jason who placed himself right besides her and asked "What are doing here?"

"I was... visiting the graveyard."

Jason softly took her hand and said "I am sorry about Sam... I heard a few weeks ago."

"Yeah me too,..." Liz paused, shook her head and smiled while she continued "How have you been? I thought you moved to Californian."

"I was there but it was too hot. I missed home." Liz studied him for a moment and smiled while she continued "Too hot? I don't buy it. I bet you got yourself in a lot of trouble." Jason laughed and his eyes were shinning. A moment later he admitted "A bit trouble, but it was also too hot." Liz took another sip of her beer and Jason watched her hand. He waited till she placed the beer back on the table and then he said "I thought you were married."

"I was."

"What happened?"

"Inconsolable differences."

Jason cleared his throat and in a serious tone he said "I am sorry to hear that...Are you okay?"

"I am getting there... I am trying to start over."

"That is good." They smiled at each other and then Jason ordered two beers. A moment later he raised his bottle, smiled at her and said "To new beginnings then."

"New beginnings."

"Do you remember the last time we met."

"How could I forget, Jason?"

It was before she met Tom, Jason and she broke up but yet they had a stormy night in his trailer before she moved away. It was one of those nights you never forget and one of those you think about when you need to remember yourself that life isn't that bad at all. They made love all night the only verbal exchanges were breathing and moaning, but they didn't exchanged any words. They didn't needed to. Jason was insatiable that night and he cherished her body with all he had. Jason was always the handsome guy. Every girl felt for him. He was charming, funny and knew what a woman wanted and yet he was a daredevil. It was exciting yes. But Liz could never imagine starting a family with him. Jason was always flighty.

Jason smiled had her and said "It was fun, wasn't it. It was before you met your husband, before you move to New york and before you became so found of the law..." Liz smilingly shook her head and replied "Yeah, we had a lot of fun and a lot of fights because you simply ignored the law." Jason was still smiling, he completely ignored her sentence and complained "You sneak out in the morning."

Liz gave him an outraged look and explained "I didn't sneak out. You knew I was leaving, Jason... We never were a great couple. We never worked because of my fondness of the law... and your incapability of making commitments."

"I was young."

"And you were a lot of trouble and I guess you still are."

"I am older and wiser now, Liz."

"Are you?"

"Yes, yes I am..." They were still smiling at each other, till Liz's phone rung. She took it out of her pocket and before she even saw her display, she knew that it was Red. She ignored the call and put her phone back in her pocket. Jason watched her the entire time and he didn't missed the concerned look on her face. A moment later he asked "Everything okay?"

Liz sighed and answered "Yeah, it is nothing. Just work."

Luckily this was the only interruption. Jason and Liz talked for hours about old times. Liz was thankful because now she felt much better than before.

For a moment Jason was quiet and simply looked at her dreamy-eyed. Liz caught his distraction and asked "What are you thinking about?"

"It is nice, you know.. like the old days. You and me. No husband. No work."

But Liz interrupted him with an admonitory voice while she said "Jason."

"I am just saying that it is nice. Being with you was always easy and it still is. I haven't had that in a long time." He cleared his throat and a moment later he continued with that irresistible smile of him "I can chop firewood for you, if you want."

Liz smiled at him and said proudly "I did that already... but I found a bottle of a fine wine ….want to drink it with me?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

Half an hour later Liz and Jason entered the cabin, but someone was already sitting on the couch. It was dark in the cabin but Liz could see clearly Red's silhouette sitting on the couch. She met his gaze and in an angry way she asked "What are you doing here?"

"Lizzie, I was..." Red paused a moment and eyed up the man Liz entered the cabin with. He breathed in deeply and continued in a serious tone .. "concerned. I needed to make sure that you are okay."

"Well, as you can see I am fine, you can go now." Jason was still standing behind Liz and asked after he stepped beside her "Who is he?" Liz looked at Jason and said as neutral as possible "A colleague." Red chuckled and asked in an outraged way "That is what I am?" Liz gaze shifted to Red when she answered annoyed "What else would you be?"

"I would like to elaborate that topic but first your... friend should leave."

Jason watched him and said in the same serious tone "Why don't you leave. I am pretty sure that you weren't invited here."

Red chuckled again and said hectoring "I am not the one who is leaving." Now Liz had enough and interrupted him angrily "What is wrong with you?"

Red hold her gaze and asked "What is wrong with me? I am not the one who left." Red shifted his attention back to Jason and threaten him awesomely "If you don't leave, I will make you leave and believe me.. you don't want that." Now Liz was more angry. She move a little close to the couch and almost screamed "You don't get to decide who stays in my cabin. This is none of your business. "

"Very well, but I am not leaving until I am done." was Red's answer and she knew there was no way that he would leave. Liz turned to Jason and said with a softer voice "I am sorry... I... Can we reschedule?" Jason looked softly at her and asked in a concerned way "Are you sure? We could go to my place and he can sit here all night." That was a temping thought but Red would be here tomorrow. There was no way out.

"I call you tomorrow. Okay?... I make it up to you, Jason."

"Okay..." Then he kissed her cheek and a moment later he was gone. Red heaved a sigh of relieve when he observed Liz. She was like a lion in a cage. She paced back and forth and tried to steady her breath and her pulse but all the attempts were in vain, when she looked at Red and met his judging eyes. A moment later she demanded "Stop looking like that."

"Like what... Lizzie?"

"Like I am doing something, I shouldn't. You came here... I don't want you here."

"Why? So you can be undisturbed with that idiot."

"What is that suppose to mean?"

"You knew what I mean."

"It is none of your business, Red... And he is not an idiot."

She poured herself a drink and placed herself on the couch as far away as possible from Red. After all that was her cabin and not his. He was the intruder, not her. She stared at him, her mind was running and a moment later she asked in an annoyed way "What do you want?"

"Talk."

"About what?"

"Us."

"What about us, Red?"

"You tell me. If I remember correctly you left, not me."

"There is nothing to say about us. I just came here to visit my fathers grave...Is it forbidden to visit a grave?"

"No, it is not."

"Well good. You can go now."

"Lizzie, I am not leaving until I am convinced that you are okay."

"Why?"

"Because I care about you."

"Why on earth do you care? Hmm... I am not your wife... I am not your daughter." Red interrupted her in a serious tone "You are neither of that but that doesn't make me care less. I want you to be okay."

She stood up and all the anger and hurt discharged in that moment "How I am suppose to be okay, Red? My life is a mess. You ruined it all. You took it all away from me. My husband..., my father..., my life... everything. Everything I loved is gone... All I have left is my job and even that is because of you." Red was silent for a moment. He bite his inner cheek and apologized "I am sorry for your pain. Hurting you was never my intention... If I could have spare you any of that, I would have, Lizzie."

"Coming odd from the man who killed my father."

He looked at her with a shaking head, before he said "Are we back to that now? I thought we were over that." Liz looked away and almost whispered "Well, we both were mistaken." Red sought out her eyes and a moment later they looked eyes. They were silent for a long time. Both hurt, both at their wits end and both filled with so many emotion and yet unable to admit them aloud. They were lost in each others eyes, in the comfort of being close and in the awareness that they both were in pain. Where could they go from here? Whatever he would say it wouldn't change her behavior, he just didn't knew why. He didn't even mentioned the hickey because he didn't wanted to provoke her anger further and yet she was angry with him. He had done nothing to piss her off. Right know he didn't know anything but that he wanted to gain back the comfort, the closeness and the easiness that was between them when they were at Ricardo`s villa. Right now they were standing so close and he knew that he could feel the warmth of her skin if he would only reached out his hand. But he didn't do that. All he did was asking with a husky voice "What changed, Lizzie?"

Liz turned away from him and said defeated "Just go red. Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk. Just go."

Red went to the door and hesitated. A part of him told him not to push her but the other part couldn't leave. He turned to face her and said "To be honest I was given the impression after Ricardo that you were actually trying to forgive me."

"I was drunk. People do make mistakes."

"Fair enough... What about when I got shot? Was it all a dream? Everything you whispered into my ear?"

"I was scared, overwhelmed with emotion, mostly likely drunk."

"So none of the things were true, Lizzie?"

She didn't answer and so he continued "I think you do care much more about me than you are willing to admit to yourself or to me. You are confused about your own feelings and that is why you make me responsible for everything that went wrong... You want to hate me, but you can't and that is maddening you."

"Bite me."

"It would be my pleasure, if you let me." That was the straw to break the camel's back and Liz throw a glass after him. She missed him but the glass hit the door and burst into thousand pieces. Red smiled sadly at her and said softly "You could hurt someone with that."

"That was my intention."

"Of that I have no doubt but I think we have hurt each other enough. don't you think?"

"I don't know what to think."

"Lizzie..." that voice send shivers through her spine and that was driving her insane. He had to leave before she would repeat her actions and throw herself at him. Liz breathed deeply and almost pleaded "Can you just... I need some time and space."

He stepped closer to her but Liz withdraw herself and Red gave in "Okay... if that is what you want. I will leave... Are you sure that is nothing I can do to make you feel better, Lizzie?" She shook her head he walked to the door and placed his hand on the door knob. A moment later he heard her saying "Red, I am sorry about the glass. I didn't mean to..."

"Oh you did and we both know it." With that he was gone and she already regretted to send him away. But she couldn't rely on him. For more than one reason. He didn't wanted her and she shouldn't want him.

Red deeply breathed in and his mind was troubled more than usually. Why was she like this? She avoided every attempt of him. Did he imagined that she desired his attention? No, he was sure, she truly does and yet she denied his affection every time. He would give her everything he could. Deep down he know that he shouldn't want her. There were many reason why they could never work. He promised Sam to take care of her, not to fall in love with her and yet he did. He couldn't help it. He wanted her and a moment back then he thought that she wanted him too.

Maybe he was interpreting to much. Maybe she didn't care as much as he hoped maybe he was all imagine that. Maybe he couldn't think straight and see clear, when it comes to her. Why would she even want him? He did nothing but hurt her in almost every way he could. Maybe she was better of without him, maybe that was what she wanted all along. He walked along the snow covered road and tried to clear his mind. But it didn't worked.

For the first time in years he wondered, if he made one mistake too many.