Chapter 7

He couldn't believe she had punched him and then disappeared into the dark. He wanted to follow, but he first had to stop his nosebleed. By the time he had contained it, he couldn't find her on the road, or where her tracks left it. He couldn't very well call Henry, who was still incarcerated.

He did the only thing he had left on his list to do that evening, make the assignation he was originally supposed to keep.

Lucian greeted him with a grunt, then peered at his battered face more closely.

"Christ on a stick! Who did that to you?"

"Vic. I deserved it."

"Moretti's work? I gotta give the gal more credit. Impressive," he marveled.

"Yeah."

"So what brings you here? I'm doubting it's the chess."

"I don't know what to do about her."

"Whaddaya mean?"

"She resigned. She won't stay on to attend therapy and let the county pay her medical bills. She's moving out of Cady's and won't tell me where."

"Hmmmm…" the old Sheriff, lips pursed, poked around and pulled out his bottle of Pappy's and two crystal shot glasses. I think we could both use some of this, tonight. Will take some of the pain outta what ails us."

"You always say that."

"And it usually works. Tonight I think it might do more. You look like hell."

"She punched me."

"No, I mean, in general. You showered, slept or eaten lately?"

"That's not the point."

"The hell it's not…that may be why she punched you if you stink as bad as you look. You're still trying to make it all about you."

"What?" He couldn't believe Lucian had suddenly turned on him.

"It really never has been, Walt. For a while and justifiably so, it was about Martha, then about grieving with Cady, then briefly that Lizard gal, then your Doctor Drab. Haven't seen when it's been all about Vic, yet."

"About Vic? This isn't about Vic!"

"The hell it's not! According to my sources, she brought down that escapee while you were flagrante delicto with Doctor D. According to the little I've been privy to, she's been your back and conscience and covered for your butt for over three years without much to show for it. Now you're panicked because she's quitting, and won't go to your therapy. Didn't you tell me once she needed therapy and as boss you didn't order it?"

"Well…" it was tough to acknowledge, and she had certainly short-circuited his tentative attempts to offer it. He had never ordered it, though.

"And you did start to date someone else, again?"

That one he could defend. "Vic was married last time."

"What about this time, Walt?"

He put his lips inside his teeth, debating. He finally sighed. "I dreamed of Martha with Donna's face. Donna reminded me of Martha."

"Yeah, she does, a little," said Lucian.

Walt started. "Wait. How do you know what Donna looks like?" He had never shared that dream with anyone—yet. His feeble attempt with Henry had resulted in his last bloody nose.

"Oh, went to see her a few times in Sheridan when I was much younger and she was just starting out. You aren't the only one to seek counseling, son. Turned me down cold, though. Not like she did with the two youngsters storming your castle. Must be feelin' her oats, or her age, for that matter."

He put his throbbing head in his hands. "What should I do, Lucian?"

"You really asking me, or just wanting me to agree with you?"

"Really asking."

The old man took a huge swallow of his Pappy's and cleared his throat.

"Maybe marry her. If she'll have you."

He looked up at his mentor in dismay. Disbelief. Possibly even fear lingered there.

"How do you figure that?"

"I figure she's the only one with tits like those who can punch the stupids out of you and keep you in line when you get too big for your britches, so, well, she gets my vote."

It took him a minute to respond to that remarkable statement.

"Lucian, with all the shit going down, the lawsuits, the scrutiny over propriety and policies stuff…Durant should probably can me if I start a relationship with someone my daughter's age…I haven't even started the therapy for the last incident…"

"And what if they do? Can your ass, that is?" asked Lucian, sitting a little straighter.

"And then, she's my deputy, she works for me…"

"A minute ago, you said she didn't. Work for you, that is. Make up your mind. And I said, what would you do to have her? Let your ass get canned? Hell, I would. Let her be sheriff for a while, and come home to you at night."

"I don't know, maybe, early retirement or something…"

He fought for ground, but felt it giving way beneath him.

"If you're serious about having her, that is."

"She won't have me. She hates me. We cheated…on each other."

"Happens," said Lucian, pouring another finger neat. "Sometimes, when you love someone so much that you try and let them find something better, they don't see it like that. They try and get your attention any way possible. Sometimes they even love you back in spite of it, anyway and forever—no matter what a dumb shit you are about it."

The turmoil boiling inside him tried to explode. He stood up suddenly, involuntarily. "What makes you think she loves me?"

"Stood by your lunkhead ass for three years. You said she saved your life from the Cartel when she could've stayed out of the fight, covered for you in the Gorski mess, chose you over her husband at the Gilbert thing,and those are just the few I know about,what more does she have to do to show you? Neither one of you says a damned thing to the other, or about the other. When she was here—"

"She was here?"

The old man jerked his head, like he suddenly remembered he shouldn't say anything about that. "Yeah. Yesterday. Wanted my advice, my advice!" he hooted. "Since she likes old guys, If I were even ten years younger, I might think of putting my hat in the ring. You're not the only bull in the pasture, after all."

"Lucian, let up, old man," he said, jaw clenching, his nose throbbing to remind him just how many of the stupids had been knocked out of him.

"You both need professional help." He began to laugh loud, as though what he had said was very witty.

Walt turned on his heel and strode out, shaking his head to clear it of the Pappy's.

He was a damned idiot, but if he followed his inclinations, he would most likely have to throw away the book that he had been so precariously clinging to for the last couple of months in hopes of keeping his job. He was terrified he just might lose it all, including Vic, before everything was all over. He saw a long and lonely future with no land, no retirement, and no Vic. It was back to the edge of the abyss all over again.

XXX

It had started raining by the time he once again found himself at Cady's, only to be told that Vic was at the Pony. He had no idea how she'd gotten there, so he drove over in case she needed a ride. He knew she shouldn't be drinking with the meds she was on, and no way was she cleared to drive.

Jess was behind the bar and he gave her a little wave, but he didn't see Vic. When he couldn't find her in any of the main areas, he walked back to the restrooms, and finally out back, where the sharp air was pleasant after the warmth in the bar.

He found her sitting down on the concrete porch, back against the Pony's wall, crying. The rain mingled with and hid her tears, but there was no disguising her distress.

"Oh, Vic," he said, and did what he'd wanted to do since she'd signed those damned divorce papers. He took her good hand and pulled her up and into his arms.

"How could you?!" she sobbed and punched at him. He captured her hands, holding them, but with respect after the earlier reminder of her prowess with them, and equal concern for her injury. "With another Lizzie, of all things…"

Her head fell against his chest, and he could feel she hadn't passed out, but she was shuddering in her grief. The rain had let up for the moment, so he didn't try to whisk them to dryer quarters.

"I haven't seen Donna since she got out on bail," he said honestly.

A pause. "How much bail?"

"I wanted to debrief you , but you wouldn't let me near. Didn't anyone tell you what happened?"

"Fuck it, I had to ask Ferg whether I killed anyone."

"Oh. Well, you wouldn't exactly let anyone sit with you, and we all knew the statement could wait until after you'd healed a little."

"You evicted and abandoned me…"

"Vic…it hurt to say no to Cady. My instinct was to take you and all the boxes to my place, but my place hasn't exactly been healthy for people, lately, and my attorney insisted I keep squeaky clean for a few months, or at least until the WD suit is settled. The first hearing on the Wrongful Death is next week. It may get dismissed. Or it might not…"

"So, you bring Donna to the cabin to stay instead, Donna who you don't know and is a recent suspect in the Zoloft case?" She sniffed, a forlorn sound.

"Not the smartest thing, but I dreamed of her, of her as Martha. She reminded me of Martha. I'm being honest here, sometimes I still just want Martha, Vic. She could somehow make the terrible things better. There have been so many terrible things, recently."

She gave a huge sigh and pushed away in resignation. "And I'm not her, either."

He wondered how much alcohol she had in her system, but refused to let her escape from the circle of his arms.

"Don't you see? I've got to get through that thing intact, or resign under a cloud, Vic."

"And your cabin thing just happened a week ago, so it well may go forward, a pattern of behavior. I know the rules, the bar in a civil case isn't a very high one, to allow it to move forward."

"There's also the fact that the evidence all points to Branch's murder, even if Martha's murder is only self-confessed."

She hiccupped. "There is that."

"Come home with me tonight, if you want. No one's there, and I had Dawn and Cassie clean up once the crime scene was cleared, except I have no front doors on until I rebuild the jamb. I just have the door set in temporarily."

She did not reply to that. Instead, "So Monte loved Dr. Donna?"

"Apparently." He took a deep breath, released her but took her hands again. "From what she and the men said, Donna had enticed both Zach and Monte, and God help me, probably others who haven't come forward, yet, but Zach refused further treatment, left, and hadn't thought more about it.

"He discovered Tai Chi to keep him in his, er, zone. Monte, however, became so deranged with Donna's rejection, that while investigating us for Barlow and seeing her path cross mine, he lost his wits, torched her van and invaded the cabin."

"Shit." Well, that statement did encompass it all.

"Yep. Hell. That's what it's been, Vic. The County Board told me to keep my nose clean, or," he paused, "given my recent choices in unstable deputies…"

She winced at that tone. She had to know her recent behavior in public placed her on that list of deputies, for Branch, Zach and she all fit that description…

"…that they would hold a special election in a couple of months to elect a new sheriff."

She froze. "So, all your jobs are in danger?"

His head jerked. "Except, apparently, Ruby's and Ferg's, but she's already said she'll retire before serving another sheriff, you included, and I don't think they thought of Ferg at all."

Her mouth grew mutinous.

"So, I've been screwing up what you've been trying to keep in place."

"I don't think you would have if I hadn't changed gears and tried to go by the book. I haven't been there for you, Vic. I haven't been there for anyone, Zach and Ferg, included. I think Ferg still misses Branch. He really looked up to him—"

"He was jealous of him too, Walt. Branch had Cady. Ferg seriously crushes on Cady."

He sighed and gave a rueful chuckle. "And I'm out of touch on that, too. My deputies keep falling in love with my daughter."

"Not necessarily. I haven't, and Ferg may get past that. He's growing up, Walt." She grimaced. "But now, you'll have to add a couple for the casino. Who knows then? But Ferg's okay."

"Yes, he did give me a talking-to about how I had mistreated you."

"Did he?" she asked, her face in a silly half-grin which bespoke too much alcohol. "I like how he is turning out…into a damn good deputy, and becoming a friend."

"Just come home with me and we'll sort it out."

"I can't, ya see," she said, the alcohol becoming a little more evident, "I accepted the Casino's offer today. My last day is tomorrow."

The breath he took in caught. No, not so soon, not yet…he needed time. Buy time.

"Not until your therapy is complete."

"You just want me to stay for your therapy."

"I just want you to stay."

She jerked out of his arms, and whimpered, forgetting her own injuries.

"You said that before, and I still have no fucking idea what that means."

"To stay...with me."

"As more than a deputy."

"Yep."

She sighed. The alcohol let her put her head on his chest. It felt so right there…

"I told the Casino—"

"I'll call them, tell them it's a mistake and you're staying."

"But I'm not."

This time, he was speechless. Silence filled the void as it began to rain again.

"But I'm not!" she said more loudly into the drops.

"Until I sign off," he said finally, but sadly.

"I don't know…"

"Until I sign off, then their HR can figure it all out."

She sighed. "Okay. Until then."

"Come home with me."

"No. I'm better than that, Walt."

"What about Eamonn?"

"What about him? He actually told me straight up that I had to figure myself out before he and I could become anything more. He's okay, Walt."

"He told me that."

Her eyes got huge. "He…you talked?"

"Yep. Cleared the air. He wants to come back, if you can work with him again."

She shrugged in his arms. "Doesn't matter, go ahead and hire him, I won't be there."

He suddenly felt numb and old inside. He had destroyed this, her, them together. To keep his damn job, and hopefully his retirement intact, he hadn't saved her, he'd sacrificed her, and everything that went with it.

"Come on, I'll take you back to Cady's then." He could hear the sadness and resignation in his own voice, and yes, the age. It was a weary-of-the-world and his own stupidity voice.

"No. I'm sleeping at the station."

"What a coincidence, so am I."

"Yeah, I noticed last night."

He inhaled. She had been at the station? He'd told Lucian to call off because he'd be there to answer in the event of any 911s.

"I get why I'm sleeping there, I'm homeless. Why are you sleeping there?"

He looked down, smacked his lips.

He finally said, "I still see the crime scene tape, even in my sleep. I haven't slept at the cabin since it happened."

"And…who needs therapy?"

He couldn't help but think it through, a long pause. In spite of Jim's prohibitions, he reveled holding her, no matter how brief the embrace.

He finally he said softly, "You got me on that one. Both of us, Vic. Both of us."