"Commander?"
Markus turned his heard in the direction the voice came from.
"Miranda?"
"ETA at the Omega 4-relay in about two hours."
He nodded slowly. "Thank you."
The elevator door opened in front of him, and he got into the small room of metal walls, pressing the button to take him up to top floor of the ship, to the Captain's Cabin.
This was it. Do or die. Nobody even knew if they'd actually survive going through the relay. It was all just numbers and educated guesses. For all he knew, the Normandy could get torn apart as soon as they got through. And even if they got through in one piece, they had no idea what was on the other side. Collectors, yes, but what else? What if there was a Reaper waiting for them on the other side? They wouldn't stand a chance.
Markus sighed. He shouldn't think like this. It wouldn't help him thinking about dying. And…
He chuckled, shaking his head.
And no matter how small their chances of success were, no matter how much anyone doubted they'd return from this, he would do it.
If there was the chance to stop the Collectors, it didn't matter how small, he would do it. For humanity. For Kaidan.
The door opened in front of him and he got out from the elevator. Pressed the button to open the door to his cabin.
iKaidan…/i
He pinched his nose while walking into the room, then running his hand over his short stubble of a hair, leaving his hand to rest at his neck.
Shepard just couldn't seem to get over him. Not even after what he said on Horizon. Maybe because of the message he sent him after, apologizing, though he knew he would've forgiven Kaidan even if he didn't. Knew that he wouldn't get over him that easy.
He sat down on the couch, shutting his eyes for a moment, trying to clear his head.
As much as he knew he needed to go into this mission with a clear mind, he also knew he needed a reason to do all of this. He wanted to know he was doing this for someone. And even though he knew it was hopeless, that he didn't return his feelings, that someone was still Kaidan.
Markus opened his eyes. Saw the PDA lying on the table in front of him, where he left it the night before.
He picked it up, knowing exactly what the screen would show once he turned it on, because it was always the same thing. The message he had received from Kaidan a few days after their meeting on Horizon.
The recorded started playing.
i"Shepard…"/i
Markus leaned his forehead into the palm on his hand when he heard the voice. His heart was racing, from just hearing a recording of him saying his name.
i"I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon."/i
He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but knew it wouldn't work. He had listened to this recording dozens of times already, and he still felt flustered listening to it.
i"I spent two years trying to get over my guilt for surviving."
Two years… I lost two years./i
Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose.
i"For two years I've been going over that day in my head, wishing that I could change what happened. And then I saw you on Horizon… You were standing right in front of me, but you were with Cerberus."
I know, I know./i
He hated that he were. That he still was. He knew better than that, but he had to. Because nobody else would believe him.
i"Everything just pulled hard to port."/i
Markus could hear a soft sigh in the message. He imagined Kaidan recording this. Did he record this in his home, in his apartment?
i"Look, I know I said some things I shouldn't have and… A lot of things has changed in the past two years. I guess I don't know who either of us is anymore."/i
His heart was beating so hard, like it was trying to get out of his chest.
i"I did trust you."/i
Those four words still broke his heart.
i"But I can't understand how you can work with Cerberus, Shepard, after everything they did, after what we saw. What they did to your squad on Akuze."/i
To hear that him say that, to hear that Kaidan couldn't trust him anymore because he was with Cerberus…
i"Please be careful, Shepard."/i
Markus took a deep breath, trying to calm himself again.
i"I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon. On the Normandy. I-"/i
He wondered how close Kaidan considered them to be now. Were he still his friend? Or just his former Commander? Was he even that?
i"If you're still the one I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted."
I know.
"Watch yourself. When things settle down a little… maybe… I don't know."/i
He still wondered what he was going to say when he recorded the message. If he really didn't know, or if he just didn't want to say it because he was with Cerberus now.
i"Just take care./i
And then the recording ended.
Markus held onto the PDA for a few moments longer before slowly putting it down on the table again.
Even after listening to it all those times he still didn't know what to think. He still didn't know if this meant that Kaidan didn't consider him a traitor anymore, or if he just wanted to…
Shepard groaned, burying his face in his hands.
He wondered if he should send a message to Kaidan. In case he wouldn't come back. To finally confess his feelings, even though he probably already knew.
He picked up the PDA from the table again, pressing to reply. Watched the record button flash in front of his eyes.
"No…"
He was going to come back from this. Alive. And when he did, he could tell him. When he came back, he would tell Kaidan that he loved him.