Thank you everyone who has reviewed this story - I really appreciate it and you are my motivation! Please keep reviewing. I still have lots written but I need to find an ending.

Chapter Seven

Joey opened her eyes but the world seemed to be moving very fast and there were people everywhere. Maybe she'd finally lost the plot altogether and they were preparing her straight jacket. She was on a bed and they were forcing her onto her side. Some woman was holding her down, she must have gone mad. The pain in her back was momentary before her legs became fuzzy. They were putting needles in her arms, great big plastic things in her hands with bags attached, she saw blood and clear stuff. If only her head wasn't so fuzzy and she didn't need to be sick,

'Sick,' she attempted and someone shoved a kidney shaped brown bowl at her where she managed to throw up, only the world went black again.

'It's ok,' a woman was smoothing her hair, 'it's ok,' she kept saying it making Joey wonder if it was ok.

'The baby?' she remembered the blood now, so much of it.

'It will be out any second,' she said and nodded in front of them where a large blue sheet was hung. Joey focused and could feel movement in her stomach, like people were digging in there. 'Ok,' the lady said, and Joey watched as a small, purple baby was pulled from her stomach. She watched as they whisked the baby away the room painfully silent.

'Is it ok?' she croaked. She felt ever so weak, as if she were teetering on the brink of life and death.

'They're doing everything they can,' the woman said kindly and Joey knew when to be silent. If her baby was dying they needed to concentrate and if it was living, they still needed to concentrate. Tears filled her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks. Apparently, in this room, that was nothing unusual. The lady wiped up her tears and held her hand tighter.

'Where is it?' she whispered, to her co-conspirator, but the lady stood up and spoke to one of the doctors. She returned a moment later,

'You have a little boy. The doctors are with him.'

'Is he going to die?' Joey stared at the lady.

'You had a severe class 3 Placental abruption. The placenta came away from the lining of the uterus. You lost a lot of blood. I'll tell you when I know anything.'

'I feel like I'm dying,' she tried to say but blackness abruptly engulfed her.

The world kept swimming in and out if view for what felt like hours. She hurt all over, but then it would all fade. She couldn't get her head to focus on anything. The only real thought that stuck was for her baby. Until at length there were voices, real voices and she felt like she could almost hear them except that they were so soft.

'My baby?' she mentally tried to throw the words because they were sort of stuck in her blurry world.

'Joey,' Pacey's voice, clearer this time, his hand wrapped around hers, his fingers threaded through hers like they hadn't done in so long. She wanted to take back her hand but her limbs were too heavy, her whole body was too heavy. Kisses pressed to her head, his kisses. So wrong.

'My baby?' she repeated.

'He's ok Joey, he's fine. He's in special care, but he's ok.'

'I want my baby,' she squeezed at his hand, digging her nails into his skin.

'He can't leave,' Pacey brushed hair from her face,

'You should be with him, not me,' she said with difficulty. 'Please. He mustn't be alone.'

'He isn't. My mom and dad are with him, I would never leave him alone.'

'You, please...' she begged again, but the doors burst open and a nurse wheeled in a small bed.

'Your little guy is a fighter. He's scoring perfectly on his apgar and there is no reason to keep him away from him mommy any longer. I'm Doctor Gibbs. How are you doing Josephine?'

'I need some water,' she rasped and Doug immediately filled her a cup and put a straw to her lips. She was desperately thirsty but the first sip made her feel sort of sick so she stopped. Pacey apparently was unwilling to let go of her hand.

'Let me just check you over,' the doctor said, 'would you mind giving us a moment?' She asked Doug and Pacey.

'They can stay,' Joey tried to roll her eyes at the look on Pacey's face, but then her eyes were back in the small bed.

'Ok some room please,' the doctor requested and they both moved immediately to stand by the baby, Pacey's hand in the small bed on the baby Joey couldn't see. Joey felt marginally distracted by their smiles, particularly Pacey's. She couldn't reconcile that small bed with her now empty stomach. 'Do you remember what happened?'

'I um...I woke up in agony. I thought I'd wet the bed but there was just so much blood. I crawled to my neighbours.'

'You had a placental abruption. At first we thought it was a class 3 because of the amount of blood loss, but this little guy did so much better than we expected. We normally see fetal death with a class 3, so we classed it as a 2 with excessive maternal blood loss. Did you have a fall or knock yesterday? Sometimes this is triggered by something like that.'

'There was an altercation at the diner where I work. A man was being abusive to me and a fight broke out between him and a couple of regular guys. I was knocked over, but I was ok.'

'You never said you were hurt,' Doug interrupted.

'I would have stayed if I'd known,' Pacey had also looked up concern all over his face. She turned her face from them, unable to acknowledge that.

'We may never know if that caused it, sometimes it can be spontaneous. You lost a lot of blood Joey, but we were relieved that we managed to proceed without a hysterectomy. You may have issues with future pregnancies but you should be able to have them. It is protocol to share with you that you did crash at one point. We shocked your heart to bring you back. You still have a catheter in and there's a drain in your wound. We are going to keep you and the baby in until we are completely satisfied with your progress.' The doctor took her temperature, her blood pressure. 'Could I check your blood loss, please?'

'Ok,' Joey nodded and the doctor peeled back the covers and looked into Joey's disposable underwear.

'Looks ok, I'll get a nurse to change that for you in a bit.'

'Can I get up?'

'Not yet, no,' the doctor shook her head.

'Ok.'

'Now this little guy could probably use some food. They gave him a small syringe of formulae up in special care. Would you like a bottle?'

'No,' Joey shook her head. 'Just someone to pass him to me. I haven't seen him yet.'

'Ok, we'll try getting him to feed lying down. I don't want you to sit just yet.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded.

'I'll get the nurse,' she disappeared and a nurse entered moments later, Doug and Pacey stood watching the baby.

'He's awake,' she told them and plucked the baby from the bassinet with an ease Pacey clearly envied and then placed the small baby beside Joey. Joey turned her head to look at her baby. He was small, really tiny and a little wrinkled. He had a smattering of dark brown hair, a tiny nose and small puckered lips and he was looking right at her, with almond shaped blue eyes. He didn't particularly look like anyone yet - she couldn't see herself in him and could only see a little of Pacey in his eyes.

'Hello,' she whispered and felt tears slide down her cheeks, 'I'm so glad you're ok,' she ran a finger across the fine hair on his head.

'Would you like to try and feed him?' the nurse asked after a moment.

'Yes,' she watched the baby as the nurse helped lower her gown.

'Roll on your side if you can,' the nurse said and Pacey was there then helping her, as the nurse then positioned the baby.

'Just line up his nose with your nipple and when he opens his mouth pull him forward, like so,' the nurse demonstrated and then somehow his little mouth closed onto her and she felt a strange tugging sensation. 'Does it hurt?'

'No, it feels weird,' Joey smiled. 'But it doesn't hurt. How will I know if he's had enough?'

'When he comes off by himself, change his diaper, well get one of your friends to do it and then offer him the other side.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded, her eyes on the baby.

'Just press the buzzer if you need me. The doctor doesn't want you to try sitting or standing yet, so ask for help.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded. She could feel the tears, still tracking down her cheeks but they weren't tears of sadness. They weren't tears of joy either. She didn't feel unrivalled love for her baby, or even a particular bond, but then again she didn't believe she knew him yet. She figured the tears must be relief, or something like it. And maybe shock. He didn't really look like much of anything yet, just a small perfect being, with tiny, fine eyebrows and whispers of eyelashes. She felt someone press a tissue into her hand, but she couldn't have said if it was Doug or Pacey. She pressed it against her eyes with her free hand and took a few deep breaths. Putting the tissue down she put a finger to his hair and touched it. It was so soft, like a feather, or velvet. The tugging at her chest had turned to tiny flutters and then her nipple just popped out of his tiny mouth. She stared at him.

'He's not wearing his own clothes,' she murmured, 'where are your clothes, huh?' she moved her gown across her chest. 'Pace, you want to take him?' she turned to look for her him and found him right beside her, staring at her, staring at the baby.

'Yes... Yes,' he croaked and carefully, sliding a hand under his head lifted the tiny baby. 'Do I need to pat his back or something?'

'Yeah, Bessie used to do that with Alex. I mean Alex had bottles, but I guess?' Joey frowned. 'I don't know much about babies. Where are his clothes?'

'Um.. We came to see you this morning and it looked like someone had been massacred in your apartment. We may have freaked out a little,' Doug held his thumb and finger apart and then stepping closer to Joey ran a hand across her shoulder.

'Was it really bad?'

'Remember the movie Carrie? All that pigs blood? It was worse,' Doug teased, but there was an edge to the tease. 'Pacey nearly lost it Jo. I did too. We followed the trail of blood to your neighbours and they told us what happened.'

'I think my bed, my pillows, all those things you bought me - they're probably ruined.'

'My mom's meeting Kerry there to sort it, don't worry.'

'Thank you,' Joey watched Pacey with the baby. He'd very gently put the child on his shoulder and was rubbing his back, all the while rocking. Joey hated her insides for melting at the sight. Hated that she wanted it so bad and the ache that the want caused. 'Did you grab the baby stuff?'

'Pacey wanted to come straight here. You would have wanted to come straight here. We didn't think you'd have had the baby.'

'In all honesty Joey, we didn't think at all,' Pacey kissed the side of the baby's head. 'My dad should be back any minute with that bag you had packed, the one under the crib.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

'Can I stay here tonight?' Pacey asked. The doctor wasn't entirely happy with Joey's progress. She used a lot of words and a lot of detail to say she was bleeding too much and they wanted her to bleed less. Joey wasn't able to sit up without fainting which she was finding frustrating, especially when the baby cried and she wanted to hold him. She even missed the baby peeing on Pacey as he changed the diaper, which she was pretty pissed about, even though she did see his funky pee hair do. John and Mary had stopped through. Anna and Gretchen would be up on the weekend.

'You can stay here, sure, that would probably be a good idea. It's just a reclining chair?'

'Thats fine, whatever,' Pacey smiled and looked down at the baby.

'Why hasn't Bessie been in?' Joey asked with a frown trying not to feel hurt.

'Oh crappit,' Pacey had gone pale.

'You asked me and I forgot,' Doug looked at his brother. 'When we got here, Pacey asked me to call Bessie, but then...well they came and told us you'd crashed and had just been brought back, that the baby was in intensive care...I just...'

'It's ok Doug, just please call her now. I know she's angry at me, but I need her to know.'

'Ok, absolutely,' and Doug left the room. Joey looked at Pacey holding her child, their child. From the two of them came this small person who would grow and think, and have wants and needs. It was weird.

'I thought you were going to die,' Pacey sat beside her and lay the baby next to her, 'I've never been more scared of anything in my life Joey. I am really, really glad you're ok, and I'm really, really glad the baby is too.'

'The doctors thought he would be still born,' Joey admitted and tears flooded her eyes, 'I think I would have died too.'

'He's ok Jo, see,' he wormed his pinky finger through hers until they were linked together. For the first time it didn't feel like it might kill her that he was touching her.

'I see,' she took a deep breath, feeling an overwhelming desperation for Pacey, to have him hold her and chase all her fears away.

'He's beautiful,' Pacey said softly, 'he looks like you.'

'I think he kinda looks, I don't know, like a doll.'

'Maybe, but a pretty one,' He smiled a big smile at her, a smile she returned. They looked at the baby, watched as his little nose wrinkled and his mouth puckered and he let out a cry, not a loud one, but one that grew persistent.

'What do I do?' Joey asked feeling suddenly overwhelmed. Every time he made a noise it was for her to fix and she couldn't even move.

'Try feeding him, I guess?' Pacey smiled at her gently. 'Left side, huh?' he asked and she nodded.

'I can't, not without a nurse,' she felt like she might cry.

'Hey, we can try,' he reached out a hand, she saw it come towards her face, to provide comfort but she moved back a little. She guessed she flinched away and he read the movement well enough. 'I'll help you,' he reassured verbally instead.

He carefully laid the baby next to her much as the nurse had done, and she pulled off her gown and raised her arm to make room. The baby wasn't calm this time, but crying and weirdly he was turning in to her now Pacey had moved him closer. Joey put a hand under his head and body and lined him up as the nurse had shown her and then suddenly, somehow he was quietly feeding from her.

'That's quite the most special thing I've ever see,' Pacey whispered pulling a chair up to the bed.

'Because you get to see a girls naked chest,' Joey muttered.

'Well that's a perk,' he teased, 'but obviously I'm talking about nature. He's hungry, you're his mom and look.'

'I wish I could move,' she said. 'I feel trapped. I've spent months trapped in my head, but now I actually can't move.'

'This morning was horrible. Like a scene from a horror movie and to get here and be told that you were...well that they'd managed to revive you, not even knowing you needed to be revived. That you'd had the baby and he was in intensive care. I thought I was going to lose both of you.'

'You won't lose him. Me? I'm just lost in general,' Joey closed her eyes.

'I want to be with you, I want another chance,' the words were so earnest, his eyes so open and honest.

'No,' she looked away from them, 'Not because I'm trying to punish you. I just couldn't.'

'I hope you can forgive me one day,' he touched the baby's back, his eyes downcast and Joey looked at him.

'I forgave you a long time ago, not that anything really required forgiveness. The problem is, I find it impossible to forgive myself, and it's the thoughts of me, that swirl on an endless loop. I'm trying to change the things I don't like about myself, but I find them hard to forget, especially with a blanket of darkness to lie under. I have my motivation,' she looked at the baby, 'but I'm honestly scared, scared that I'll be this way forever.'

'I wish I could touch you right now,' he whispered, 'I wish you could see yourself as others see you.'

'Stuck up, you mean? Someone who takes ages to say thank you? Someone who is mean and bullies new comers? Someone that doesn't ask questions about her friends? Someone who never knows the right thing to say, so sort of says nothing? Someone who makes others feel worthless and stupid?'

'Joey,' he protested.

'Lets not talk of this, not today. My body just drained of blood and hormones and well the status quo is bunk. I'm going to cry,' she said as tears fell.

'I'm sorry.'

'Oh I blame Hollywood. They always have reunion scenes, or even just scenes of resolution when a baby's comes. The truth is I feel terrible, I feel sad, and I feel a little happy, relieved. I'm very confused.'

'We could talk about what to call this little guy?' Pacey suggested.

'Do you think maybe we could just sit here quietly?'

'Of course,' Pacey nodded.

The room was full of Witter's and it was a little overwhelming. Joey was able to sit but not get up. She was still being given blood, was on an IV and had the catheter and drain in. She'd brushed and plaited her hair but beyond that was still in her hospital gown. Mary and John were busy cooing over the baby. Pacey and his four siblings were around her bed. Amongst the infighting, and teasing there was a bit of a conversation. Joey gathered Kerry and Mary had cleaned the apartment. Anna and Gretchen had gone to ikea and got her a new mattress, and bits on their way to Capeside. Doug had taken wine and chocolates to the neighbours. Gretchen complained about her mom hogging the baby, but Kerry stole him and held him cradled in her arms by the window, John and Mary stood at the foot of the bed. Mary, a stream of helpful hints, particularly as to how to stop the baby peeing straight up every time she changed it's diaper. John just kept smiling at her, and she thought glaring at Pacey. It didn't take a genius to know that John was a traditional guy and what he thought was right involved Pacey, her and vows. Before long, Gretchen had taken the baby, then Anna, and then Doug.

'How much did he weigh?' Doug stared at her.

'Five pounds one ounce. Not bad for a month early,' Pacey said staring at Joey with pride. She knew she didn't deserve his admiration for that given how little she'd eaten the whole pregnancy.

'Just relieved you guys are both alive,' Doug gave her a warm look.

'What did Bessie say?'

'She wanted to come last night. She'll be here as soon as she has someone to watch Alex. She was pretty upset.'

'But she'll come?'

'She will,' Doug reassured her.

'I made him cry. I'm sorry,' Anna looked terrified.

'He's hungry,' Kerry chuckled.

'Does the nurse bring a bottle or what?' Anna gave the baby to Pacey.

'I can call,' Mary offered and Joey flushed.

'I feed him,' Joey said as Pacey positioned the baby in her arms.

'Should we leave?' John shifted.

'I don't mind if you stay. Pace can hold up a cloth and then once he's eating you don't see anything,' she shrugged and looked to Pacey, who passed the baby to Joey and then picked up the baby's blanket and held it in front of Joey.

'You know this, this feels a little...' he gave her a gregarious look to indicate it felt good, as she shucked off one arm of her gown behind his screen and she saw his eyes glance over her chest. She rolled her eyes,

'You're such a pervert,' she hissed.

'Teenage boy, lots of hormones.'

'Come on little guy,' Joey moved the baby the way the nurse had shown her until he was quietly feeding. 'Ok,' she looked at Pacey who dropped the curtain to reveal his family smiling at her.

'You know that piece of material wasn't sound proof,' Gretchen teased.

'What are you going to name him?' the question came from John who shot his son a dirty look.

'No idea,' Joey shrugged.

'You know that's a bit of a mouthful,' Anna quipped and she and Gretchen snickered.

'I never thought about names.'

'Well he can't be baby forever,' Kerry smiled softly.

'No,' Joey agreed, and watched as the Witter's argued and teased their name suggestions. They were loud, so loud that nobody noticed Bessie by the door until she cleared her throat.

'Bes,' Joey's eyes lit up.

'Witters out, Potter in,' Pacey said loudly, and then everyone was saying goodbye at once, telling her when they'd next see her, and offering last words of wisdom. Given that they all talked over one another, she had no real clue. 'I'll be back soon. I'll go shower,' Pacey said and Joey nodded.

'Wow, there's a lot of them,' Bessie said when the door finally shut and silence reigned.

'Kind of emphasizes how small our family is.'

'I'm sorry Joey, I haven't really shone these last few months. I haven't know what to say, what to do. I still don't, not really. You've been through so much, and you always, well you always seemed to cope. You may have been a little withdrawn, but I've never seen you like this, like you have been.'

'You went through everything too you know Bes. I don't think I ever acknowledged your grief, your sacrifices, how much everything hurt you.'

'I had you to take care of. When you have something that needs looking after you forget about yourself a bit.'

'What if I don't?'

'What do you mean?'

'What if I go backwards? I'm scared. I take my tablets, and I work, but it's like I literally climb endless stairs every day to stay on top of things, to try and feel better, or at least ok. What happens to this guy when I can't do that?'

'Motherhood's a funny thing. Jo, you've always been a doer, a hard worker. You're diligent. If you had a different personality type I might worry, but I bet you could be drowning under a rip tide of distress and still make sure that guy was ok.'

'I hope you're right.'

'Every day do three things,' Bessie began and then smiled as the baby released Joey's nipple. 'I didn't even see him there,' she whispered. 'May I?' she asked and Joey nodded. Bessie scooped up the baby and looked at him,

'Well he's a beautiful baby Joey.'

'Obviously,' Joey smirked and Bessie laughed before putting him over her shoulder and rubbing his back as Pacey had done. 'Three things?'

'Make sure you take your tablets, every day. I mean no exceptions, by the clock. Medications, multi vitamin, all of them.'

'Ok.'

'Get clean everyday. Take your shower, and cry, cry as much and for as long as you need to. The baby will be fine. If you're worried bring him in the bathroom with you. But give yourself that time every day. You can cry at other times, but allow yourself a time where you don't feel guilty.'

'Ok,'

'Every single day you must leave your apartment. I don't care for how long, where you go, but you must leave and go outside, and preferably speak to someone.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded.

'When you get a day where you can't do all three things, you call me. I will be there straight away, whether we have customers, or whatever crisis.'

'Ok.'

'Now what are you gonna name this beautiful boy?'

'I walked to the bathroom today. And I had a shower, I smell better,' she grinned at Doug and Pacey.

'How many days was it? Seven?' Doug teased.

'I still washed,' she stuck out her tongue at him.

'You feeling better?' Pacey asked and she didn't blame him. She'd scared herself the previous night with her inability to stop the tears, with her fears and the way she became silent, the ability to talk to much for her. She'd had the baby beside her though, and she'd managed to feed him, to change him, despite the tears. She could even provide comfort through her own discomfort.

'Yes I'm sorry. I think baby blues on top of depression, on top of being stuck in this bed was a little overwhelming.'

'No kidding,' Pacey scooped up the baby and gave her a warm smile. Their fingers brushed and she flushed but somehow her heart didn't fall like it had before the baby was born. He stared at her a little.

'So when can you come home?' Doug asked.

'I don't know. It feels like never.'

'If you walked to the bathroom, that's a good start,' Pacey encouraged.

'I just want to go home,' Joey said. 'But I don't know where I'm even thinking of. I'm too young,' she looked down but didn't cry. 'I'm too messed up.'

Two weeks to the day that the baby was born Pacey and Doug took her home. She carried the baby and they carried her things. Her apartment felt huge to her, large and empty with noone at the end of a buzzer. The blood was all gone, she was relieved about that, but she didn't see the new bed Pacey had spoken of in its nook in the corridor. She looked into the kitchen and living area, her eyes slowly absorbing one detail at a time. It was clean and there were fresh flowers - probably Mary had put them there. Somebody had placed all of her cd's back as she had originally had them, leaning against the skirting board, post it attached to the front. There were no new ones she noted. Her eyes took in her rocking chair, and she moved to it and picked up the patchwork blanket Kerry had made and placed it over the sleeping baby. She sat down in the rocker because in all honesty it was a little much. That's when she saw them, all along the breakfast bar counter. An assortment of crockery. She stood up and looked at them one by one. All different animals made from different peoples finger prints. It was quite the most bizarre thing, and yet it made her heart ache, a dull almost pleasant sensation. Four mugs, another bowl, and another plate. They differed in their skill, their precision, ability even, but the message was clear.

She looked at them for a long time, analyzing the fingerprints on all of them, looking at the animals there. She didn't know if she was crying it not but she didn't really care. Carefully she moved past them, examining them one by one, one hand at a time so the baby was still supported. She appreciated the silence. Whether they knew or it was coincidental, the Witter brothers seemed to know when she needed calm. Eventually she was done.

'You father,' she said and pointed to a mug, 'your mom,' the bowl, 'Gretchen,' another mug, 'Anna,' another mug, 'you Doug,' the plate 'and Kerry.'

Pacey moved across the room and lifted each one looking underneath.

'That's quite a skill missy,' he looked impressed.

'I love them,' she touched each one almost reverentially. 'Can you do me a favour?'

'Sure, anything?'

'I need to write a list of who has done what, who's given me what. Please either start it, or help me with it. A lot of the last two weeks is a blur.'

'Ok,' he nodded. 'You should take a look at your room. It's really your room now. They got rid of my bed for you.'

'Oh,' her face fell.

'I told them to put the mattress under your new bed.'

'I have a new bed?' she smiled shyly and moved through to her room. It was a double, simple and inexpensive, she knew, but beautiful all the same with its new mattress, duvet and sheets.

'Kerry said the crib should be pushed up close.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded and put the sleeping baby in the crib. 'It's very nice. Really nice. I must pay Anna and Gretchen.'

'They chose to do it, they wanted to do it.'

Joey didn't respond but looked down at the baby, extremely small in the vastness of a crib that could fit a three year old. She knelt down and put her arm through the bars until she could put her finger in his hand. He grasped it on reflex.

'Any name yet Jo?' Doug entered the room with her bags. 'I put the cards up and the bags with gifts beside your chair - that way you can look through them in your own time. I put that basket thing for him to sleep in, the one Kerry hunted out for you, that's by the chair as well so you can have him near.

'I really don't know what his name is,' Joey murmured. Pacey dropped to his knees beside her and looked at the baby as well.

'At least you guys are home,' he said and she wondered why he put no pressure on her to name the child.

'He's sleeping. Shall we go have some tea? I feel the need for tea.'

'Wow, hospital agreed with you if it's got you wanting things,' Doug grinned, 'and the kettle is on.'

'I'm not going to lie. I'll miss some bits of being in the hospital, but I'm mostly relieved to be here. I need to get in touch with the diner, with work, with...'

'Potter, you nearly died, technically you did, so cut yourself some slack,' Pacey followed her from the room.

'You know, I don't like to say this because it could be only fleetingly true, but I feel a little better.'

'You do?' Pacey caught her hand without thinking and turned her back to face him. She snatched her hand away, it was far to reminiscent of the time at Aunt Gwen's when she finally kissed him back. He jumped as well, and looked sheepish,

'Sorry.' She chose to ignore the incident.

'You know in the middle of the night, when you wake up and the world is dark, so dark you can't see a thing. It's all absolutely pitch black?'

'Sure,' Pacey nodded as Doug made the tea. 'There were times on the boat when I'd lie on the deck and there wouldn't be a star in the sky. No moon, just all around me liquid black.'

'That's kind of how I'd describe it. I haven't been able to see where I'm going, or where I've been. The darkness just made everything so hard to get through, so hard to do. All thoughts were amplified by the darkness, made worse, made louder. Sometimes I'd get lost in the darkness and time would pass and I wouldn't even notice it happening. I'd find myself doing things, things and I didn't even know why. And now, it's not quite so dark. It's not light either, not at all. But there's shadows and shapes and I feel just a small amount of something good inside of me.'

'Maybe getting rid of the pregnancy hormones helped?' Doug suggested.

'Maybe? What I really think is that I've had a lot of support. More than I ever expected and slowly things are being put in perspective. The love and support of your family has helped me reconcile what I don't like in myself and attempt to change it. I don't know whether I'll come out of this completely, but if I do I'm not sure I'll be quite the same person. I certainly won't speak to people the way I did. Nor will I take for granted the feelings of others, particularly in relation to me.'

'I'm really impressed,' Pacey said simply and when Joey frowned at him he clarified, 'to try and change what you don't like, especially with how you've been feeling. I aught to clarify that I always thought you were a good person. I never thought you needed to change. You've always had a good heart and a really, really strong moral code. But if there are things you need to change to feel at peace with yourself, you have nothing but admiration from me. I've tried to copy it a little.'

'You have?'

'Yeah. Seeing you these last few months, well I recognized a little bit of myself, you know in senior year. I wasn't where you are, not at all, but I wasn't happy with myself, with my life. It's funny. You think you're the bad person and yet I was the one that turned that sadness and disappointment with myself and my life onto you. I didn't take responsibility but blamed you. You do nothing but blame yourself.'

'Probably why I'm depressed,' she smiled and he smiled back.

'Bub's crying, shall I get him for you?' Doug asked putting a stool beside Joey and putting her tea on it.

'Please.'

'I know you're not, but I am happy Jo. I'm not going back to that place again. Things are going to go wrong. My life will suck at times, I'll have bad days, bad weeks, bad months. But I'm not going to put it on to others again. I'm going to own it, like you.'

'Just not too much. Not too much like me,' and she smiled again. The thought of Pacey in a mental place like her was repulsive, truly repellent.

'Ahh come on Jo! I'm too glib for a full on depression.'

'Thank god,' she said and he stopped laughing and looked at her, a real Pacey look, the sort of look he used to give her, back before they were lovers, back when they were friends and he was trying to work her out.

'Here's your mommy little guy,' Doug gently lowered the baby into Joey's arms and she pulled up her shirt and moved the baby into place, brushing his nose against her until his mouth opened.

'You know Kerry found feeding nearly impossible,' Doug mused, 'she cried and cried and cried about it until mom gave her bottles. With Jimmy she had a little more success but it was never easy and then with Clara, all of a sudden she could just do it. Just like you.'

'Just like you to overachieve,' Pacey teased and she stuck her tongue out at him.

'I have a name,' she said abruptly, 'It's really the only name I can come up with. It just sort of keeps floating into my head when I look at him,' she looked at Pacey and his face had lit up.

'Do tell,' Doug encouraged.

'It's nothing in the top one hundred, or even top two hundred,' she explained, 'it's actually really old fashioned and almost unused now so don't expect Tyson or Ben, or anything like that.'

'Say it,' Doug reached across and nudged her with his hand.

'I'm not saying we have to use it either,' she looked at Pacey again.

'Spit it out girl, please, for the love of god,' Pacey was grinning.

'It was my great grandfathers name, on my mothers side. He was kind of infamous in our family for being strong willed and forthright in his views. He had, what you Pacey would term as "a moral code."'

'The name woman,' Pacey asked again.

'Oren,' she said it, put it out there. The first truly decisive action she'd made since falling into her depression. She watched their faces. It was as if they hadn't heard the name before, she could see their lips sounding it out, testing it.

'Dougy, don't say a word unless it's positive because I love it and if you say anything negative it's going to follow your ass around forever,' Pacey turned to his brother and Joey laughed.

'You really like it?' she asked and he nodded.

'I actually love that it's an old traditional name that's pretty and unique. Kind of perfect for that little miracle guy.'

'Doug? You can ignore Pacey and be honest.'

'I like it too. I think it's perfect.'

'I'm happy with just Oren Potter, but if you want a middle name Pace, please go for it.'

'Well now, aren't middle names just a way to embarrass the kid at its wedding?' Pacey asked.

'You tell me John,' she grinned.

'Sure, Lilian...actually your name is rather awesome,' Pacey shrugged good naturedly.

'Well except for the Josephine part.'

'And yet you decided to publish your column as Josephine,' Doug smiled and Pacey looked between them,

'Publish? Publish what column?' he looked blindsided.

'Well shit I'm sorry,' Doug was immediately contrite.

'Don't panic Dougy, it's a column in a major newspaper. It's not a secret,' Joey rolled her eyes.

'Then how come no one told me?' Pacey looked from one to the other, clearly surprised.

'I didn't really tell anyone,' Joey shrugged.

'And we thought...well we thought the content would upset you,' Doug explained.

'So explain you guys,' Pacey looked at them expectantly.

'When Doug came to see me, when he found out I was pregnant and he came out to me, he asked me to go to a gay bar with him - you know all that. We met Ethan there and Ethan works for the globe. He suggested I submit something as they were looking for a new columnist. He said the editor wanted to do something on depression in the new year and so...well I did. There must have been four issues so far? It's in the Saturday issue.'

'Five. Ethan said the response has been mega so I bet there'll be something from your editor when you open your emails.'

'I'll look when I've sorted bub.'

'You can call him Oren now,' Doug pointed out.

'So do I get to read them?'

'Well sure. Ethan sends me a copy each week. The ones before I went into hospital are in the top drawer of the baby's chest in an envelope. The recent ones must be in the pile of post. They're not nice Pace. They're honest, brutally so. I didn't write it as a column. It's my journal really.'

'Ok. I'll read them, but forgive me if I don't comment on them.'

'Of course.' He went off to her room as she pulled her shirt down. 'Ok diaper,' and she placed him in his basket and looked around the room. 'I think I need to organize. Like have a place in here for all his change stuff. I guess I'll just use the stuff in my back pack from the hospital.'

'Those newspaper's are gonna half kill him you know,' Doug said as he put her bag beside her.

'Living it half kills me. And what would you have me do? I can't lie to him, not anymore. Lies were to blame for what happened between us. We actually communicate and I suppose we're becoming friends again. I have to protect that for Oren's sake.'

'I know, I know. We should have told him when they first came out, but it was like a family cover up, we all knew he'd hate to think of you hurting like that, especially when he was off in the Caribbean.'

'But he was in the Caribbean, that's how it happened and it's ok.'

'Joey, I know we all tell you this and you don't believe it but he still loves you. He still loved you then, so it's going to make him feel like a shit.'

'Dougy, I just had a baby and I'm only eighteen years old. Whether Pacey loves me or not no longer matters. I'm in no mental or physical shape to even deal with that.'

'I know - sorry. Look I better head off. I'm on duty in an hour but you're ok?'

'I'm ok. Thanks Doug.' He kissed her cheek.

'You've been in here a long time,' Joey went into her room. Pacey was sat on the bed. Carefully she put Oren into his crib. He'd been grumbling for the last half hour and was finally asleep.

'I'll be honest Jo, I never realized it was that bad. I mean I knew it was bad, but...' he trailed off.

'Outwardly, well, you can't always see what's going on inside someone. Outwardly I must have seemed like a bit of an empty vessel, but I guess it wasn't really obvious how bad things were. I worked, albeit nearly in silence. I was far too skinny - not such a problem now with your mom on the case, but I was never so skinny anyone said anything. And I showered.'

'"Because in the shower your tears have company,"' he looked at her.

'Yeah...I can't shower without crying. Inside, well yeah...you've read it, hopefully it helps explain the gradual slipping away of normality, how you can just slide and reach the bottom before you even realize you were at the top.'

'Please, please let me hold you, please,' he whispered.

'I can't,' she felt tears stream from her eyes, all of a sudden, a huge wave of emotion. Her arm felt like lead but she moved it a little closer to him until her little finger found his. She allowed them to link together and when his fingers grasped at hers, she allowed her hand to rest in his.

'Do you want me to move your laptop to the stool so you can check your emails whilst you feed him?'

'Maybe, it's not like I ever seem to stop feeding him,' Joey sighed. She was tired, really tired and suspicious that both she and Pacey were putting off the moment when he would leave for the night and she would have to spend her first night alone with the baby. Diligently Pacey moved her laptop.

'I'll make some pasta whilst you do that,' he said and began rummaging around in her kitchen. Her inbox had lots of messages. She deleted anything that was spam. There were several from Jen, all full of news and questions. Pacey had obviously told the others what had happened. Jack, his were shorter but equally caring. Even Dawson sent cautious but enthusiastic congratulations. Ethan sent concern and congratulations. Then she plucked up the courage to open the one from the Globes editor.

'Oh my god,' she spluttered and her nipple fell from Oren's mouth. 'Sorry baby, I'm sorry,' she helped him nurse again.

'What is it?' Pacey was beside her.

'My editor, he says the column has sparked a lot of feedback and debate. He apparently likes that and says that I get a quarterly bonus of five grand. He said I'll continue to get the same bonus for each quarter that my column runs and generates a good level of debate. He basically just gave me a twenty grand pay rise.'

'Oh my god, you have no idea how much I want to hug you right now, I'm so happy for you. You deserve all that success Jo, you do. You're an amazing writer.'

'Thank you Pace,' she grinned up at him. Oh how she wished she still had distance, that having the baby hadn't opened up this perpetual longing for him.

'I tell you what, Potter, that little guy there, he's going to be proud of us one day. We might be young but we're showing them.'

'Are you referring to your mystery project?'

'Might be,' he grinned, 'but you...you look exhausted, so I'm not going to tell you about it today. I'm going to save it. When that little guy is done, you can eat some food, then I'm going to change his diaper whilst you go through the bathroom and then I'm going to snuggle him up in his enormous crib, and I'm going to say goodnight. The inevitable is here.'

'You're going,' she stated.

'I would stay if you'd only let me,' he told her sincerely, 'you know snuggle in that double bed. Lots of room,' he added with a grin and she flushed but shook her head.

'He's done,' she handed him the baby and took the bowl of pasta and sauce he offered her. She ate a little and then went to the bathroom. She listened to the sounds of them in the living room, Pacey talking to the baby as he changed it, saying nothing more than sweet nothing's really, words of affirmation about Oren and about her. He wanted to stay but she knew it would kill her. The darkness would descend. He didn't want to stay for her, more the baby. He wanted to be close to his son, but it couldn't go both ways. At this time he didn't get to be close to the baby because that meant he would be to close to her. She worried about the moment that door closed behind him but she knew it had to. She went to the toilet, noting how much she still bled, then brushed her teeth and washed her face. She padded through to her room and saw that Pacey was placing the baby in his crib, swaddled and asleep. She stood a little awkwardly by the bed.

Pacey had stayed every night in the hospital. He'd slept in a chair, passed the baby to her when he cried, helped her feed him, changed diapers, done whatever was needed. In the day he went to work, but he was there at night. They hadn't talked really, just supported one another. If he heard her crying he never said.

'Ok...so I better go,' he kept staring at her. Oh how she wished he wouldn't stare at her, the look on his face contradicted with the words that still ran through her head. He looked at her like he longed to touch her.

'It's the baby, not me,' she whispered. 'Don't look at me that way because you don't really feel that way.'

'You don't know how I feel,' he whispered back.

'I know that if it weren't for that baby you wouldn't be stood in front of me looking at me like that,' she stated firmly. 'Goodnight Pace.'

'Goodnight Jo,' he sighed and left. She listened until the front door shut and then she dropped into her bed and cried. Her heart was racing and her adrenalin pumping at the knowledge that she needed sleep, she was exhausted and yet she couldn't sleep, couldn't remove the burning image of him stood looking at her. She breathed deeply, in and out and then turned on her side to look at Oren in the darkness. She should think of him, focus on him, on the rise and fall of his chest. The tears that had only just ceased began again. She closed her eyes and tried to find something removed from it all. Something like an orange. She began to mentally peel an orange. The panic drained from her a little and her heart began to slow. It wasn't peace she felt but it was something. Before she realized she'd fallen asleep the cries of the baby woke her up. She looked at her alarm and realized she'd been asleep for two hours. Sitting up she realized she had to stand to get the baby. Luckily Pacey had thought to leave her the bag of changing supplies at the foot of the crib. She picked up the baby and hugged him.

'Hey, hey, it's ok,' she murmured before lying down with him and pulling her shirt out the way. 'Good boy,' she soothed as he began to nurse. She felt oddly contented, a feeling she didn't really get any more. It wasn't like she felt better, but she didn't feel worse, despite the exhaustion.

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