Years of practice meant no outward signs showed of the skin crawling irritation that flooded him as soon as Daniel began rifling through disorganised heaps of papers on his desk. He was pretending to look for his notes, but Charles knew that he would have been planned the session with pin-point attention to detail so all the bloody play-acting wasn't fooling him for a second. Like a great many of the things Daniel did, it was purely for effect not to mention bloody annoying.
"Ah ... now ...yes ... Kabul?"
There was just the tiniest hint of impatience in his voice as he raised his eyebrows and looked at Charles over the top of his glasses. It sounded as if he was getting tired of looking at a poker face and was definitely getting tired of Charles' determination not to talk to him about what had happened in Kabul.
"You told me during one of our earlier sessions that you should have stopped him, that it was your responsibility"
"Did I?"
"Yep.. " Daniel looked down and read from his notes "Those were your exact words"
All Charles wanted to tell him was to back the fuck off and leave him alone. He didn't care what Daniel thought, he was buggered if he was going to sit there and relive the moment he'd scooped what was left of his best friend into a body bag. It was all still too fucking raw. He wasn't sure he'd be able to talk about it without crying his eyes out the same way he had when he'd finally been alone after it happened and there was no way he was going to do that and feed Daniel with material for one of his fucking annoying notes.
Time wasn't lending any distance to the whole thing, the slow motion replays of that day were still haunting his dreams even now, more than a year on, it was still as if he was watching it happen in front of him for the first time. Remembering wasn't the difficult part, forgetting was the luxury he craved.
"I don't know what it is you want me to say, there is nothing I can say, what happened that day speaks for itself"
"Maybe ... but... tell me, would he have obeyed if you had issued him with an order?"
"I really couldn't say" Charles ran his hand over the back of his neck "And he's not here to ask is he?"
But he was lying. The one thing he knew for certain was that Elvis would have taken absolutely no bloody notice at all. He'd have laughed and gone up there anyway. That was Elvis, convinced of his own immortality.
"No ... sadly he's not, but you are ... tell me, was he in the habit of obeying orders?"
Charles shrugged and muttered something under his breath as Daniel leaned back in his chair and began to twirl his pen in his index fingers. It was a tactic Charles knew only too well from when he'd done the same thing himself.
"Tell me Charles what do you know about survivor guilt?"
Charles shrugged again and bit back the sarcastic comment that was on the tip of his tongue. He had no doubt that Daniel was about to share his pearls of wisdom on the topic regardless of whether he said he knew all about it or not, and of course he'd heard of it, had just never considered it in relation to death on active service. He had some vague notion that it was about feelings of shame or guilt if you escaped a train wreck or walked away from a hostage situation unscathed when others weren't quite so lucky. But it was irrelevant in this situation because this had been none of those things and hanging a label on it, giving it a name, didn't change what had happened. It had been as a result of a massive error of judgement on his part. He'd made a mistake of epic proportions when he put his trust in someone he thought he knew well but hadn't seen for years, and Elvis had paid for it with his life.
"I understood the enquiry didn't find you in any way culpable" Daniel began to rifle through the papers on his desk again "If you hang on a second, I've got a copy here somewhere"
"No need ... it didn't ... not as such ... but that doesn't mean it wasn't my fault. You know as well as I do it doesn't follow that I wasn't responsible, and anyway they made a point of telling me they went easy because he was a close friend of mine ... but it doesn't actually matter what they said Daniel, they knew and I knew that it was indeed my fault, it was my job to keep everyone safe, not to get them killed"
"Would you like to explain exactly what you mean by that?"
"What?" Charles shrugged and looked down at his hands.
"It was an interesting choice of words, in what way exactly did you ... get ... him killed? You've told me Harte wouldn't have listened if you had ordered him not to go up on that roof ..."
"I don't remember telling you anything of the sort"
"Don't you? I think you did, maybe not in so many words but ... well in that case maybe you'd like to clarify it a bit for me..."
There was a prolonged silence as Charles contemplated just getting to his feet and walking out. It was either that or giving into temptation and hitting something, or someone, but hitting Daniel wasn't an option however much he'd like to at that moment, well not unless he wanted to lose the little bit of his career he had left. Walking away wasn't an option either. There would inevitably come a point when he'd be forced to return and face it all over again, if not with Daniel then with someone else, and anyway he couldn't just walk out on the crushing weight of guilt he had at the vivid memories of that day.
"It's been almost a year now, so who else have you talked to about this?"
Charles shook his head as Daniel thought, not for the first time, just what a solitary person he was.
"I don't think any of my family would be ... interested" He snorted a sceptical laugh down his nose at the thought of the way that little scenario would play out and considered telling Daniel that they wouldn't give a shit, that they would shrug and say how sorry they were and then change the subject, but even he could see what a sad git that would make him sound "And before you ask I haven't talked about it with my wife either, not that she's my wife anymore of course"
"No, I remember you saying" Daniel looked over the top of his glasses "That strikes me as quite a lonely way to live"
"Not at all ..." Charles was tempted to tell him that it was his choice, that he didn't get emotionally involved because that inevitably meant things ending up messy and painful "It's hardly something I'm going to share over a couple of pints in the pub is it? I fucked up big time and now my boss thinks I need my head looking at so I have to see a shrink a couple of times a week to save my career going completely down the shitter ..."
"I know you find this difficult to believe Charles, but it's not a question of your career being ruined, no-one is suggesting anything like that"
Daniel watched as Charles took a deep breath and made a conscious effort to relax his clenched fists slightly and try to regain control of the emotions he worked so hard to hide from the world, but which just occasionally broke through his iron reserve.
"Sorry ..."
"No need ... you have nothing to be sorry for ... but we do have to talk about it, you know that ..."
Daniel watched as Charles looked down at the floor between his feet before looking up and nodding, his hooded eyes were masked and wary.
"How's everything else, how's that little nurse of yours? Molly isn't it?"
"Fine" His voice was clipped and brusque "She's fine ... and she's just a casual friend, that's all, not even that really, and she is definitely not "my little" anything" He made inverted comma signs with his fingers "She doesn't deserve to be patronised"
The words 'by you' hung unspoken in the air between them as Daniel pulled a wryly apologetic face which was pure theatrics on his part. Once again he'd used whatever he could to successfully deflect the conflict that was building between him and the man with the stern face who was so determined to shoulder the blame for what had happened in Afghanistan.
"Of course not, it was a slip of the tongue, it wasn't my intention at all" Daniel was a smooth liar when it suited him, he'd had every intention of getting a reaction.
Charles shook his head unwilling to talk about her. The minute Daniel mentioned her name there was this vivid picture in his head of her face and the way she'd smiled at him when he'd told her he'd been having a bad day the day they met. What he should have said of course was that he'd been having a bad life. But no matter how beautiful she was or how much he liked her he had no intention of getting involved in any relationship that would inevitably end in tears. Even his marriage to Rebecca had been a ticking time bomb, he was always going to be better off on his own.
-OG-
"I'd of been okay on the bus you know ... there's no need for ..."
Molly felt the need to say something to fill a silence that suddenly felt all awkward and bloody uncomfortable. The friendly chatting seemed to have fucked off somewhere and she hadn't got a clue how that had happened, it was obvious she'd done something wrong, she just didn't know quite what. Every time she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye she could see how his face was all stern as if he was really pissed at her, not like when they'd been laughing together in the bar when she'd felt like she'd known him bloody ages, that they were friends and that he liked her, a lot, so it had come as a bit of a reality check to realise that she'd been previous, that she didn't actually know him at all.
"I know .. but the car's a bloody sight more comfortable ... and a good deal safer"
"What?"
"Molly ..." He glanced over at her with a look of irritation and a frustrated tone in his voice as if she'd just said something remarkably dumb "I'm going to see you safely home, I don't like the thought of you catching a bus so late on your own ... and it's raining"
"Yeah I can see that but ... I can look after meself you know, I'm well used to getting the bus ... 'n this is Taunton not the Bronx" She wasn't sure whether to be pissed that he seemed to think she was some helpless little girly girl who couldn't look out for herself, mind you she had a bit of a track record for that as far as he was concerned, or to like the way he seemed to think she needed looking after.
"I know all that ... but it doesn't mean I have to like it so just humour me, okay?"
He relapsed back into silence shaking his head and keeping his eyes firmly on the road and she glanced at him a couple of times before turning to gaze out of the window at the rain lashing down and wracked her brains trying to think of something to say. Preferably something sensible. Even though he seemed to have gone right off her and to have gone back to being the miserable sod she'd first met, it didn't stop him from being one of the best looking blokes she'd ever clapped eyes on. And it didn't seem to matter either that he was so much older than her, he was well out of her league on all sorts of levels, he was posh and she wasn't, but he was still bloody sexy so it was a shame she seemed to have pissed him off. She couldn't read him at all so didn't have a clue what was going on in his head whereas earlier she'd have put money on him asking if they could do it again sometime, now she just felt it was another example of what a fuck-up she was when it came to men.
"Thanks, that was ... ummm ... quick ... thanks for the lift, 'n sorry if I seemed ungrateful just then, didn't mean to be .. 'n thanks for the drinks 'n that" Oh god, now she was babbling and needed to shut up "And anyway thanks for the lift, oh yeah said that already didn't I?"
"You did indeed, and you're welcome"
"Well, goo'night then ... and drive careful won't you?"
Her seat belt was already undone as she scrabbled for the door handle, suddenly desperate to get out of the car and into the safety of the house before she did or said something stupid.
"I thought for a moment there you were going to invite me in for coffee"
"What?" She heard the sheer surprise in her voice "Did you? Sorry ... I mean, yeah course, if you want ... ... only it'll 'ave to be tea ... not sure we got coffee"
"Tea? No thanks ... but despite your gracious invitation I don't actually want a drink" The smirk on his face turned into a laugh out loud at the expression on her face, it was obvious she didn't know what the hell he was talking about "I'm sorry ...you should see your face ... it was a joke ... a pretty poor one admittedly ... but sometimes asking someone in for coffee is a euphemism"
"If I knew what one of them was, I'd tell you ..."
"A euphemism? Of course you do ... it's when you say something but what you're really trying to do is not say something too harsh or ... or too blunt ... or you don't want to get your face slapped ... a bit like you asking me who'd pissed in my Coco-Pops when what you were trying to find out was whether something or someone had upset me ..."
"Nah I wasn't ... I knew something had upset you ... bleeding obvious, I was asking who it was pissed in your breakfast" Molly pulled a face and giggled "I knew someone had to have done something to make you yell at me ... I mean, it couldn't be me, I knew I 'adn't done anything" She shrugged and tried to paste her best wide-eyed innocent expression on her face and then grinned "I was just sitting there minding me own business"
"Trying to freeze to death ... and I'd had a bad day" He was laughing almost in spite of himself "Sorry about that ... but you lied and told me your name was Meghan Markle"
"Yeah ... could of been though, couldn't it? ... except for the ginger ninja probably wouldn't of let me drive 'ome when the weather was shit like that .. he would of let me stay in one of his dad's palaces ... look, you can come in if you want, but I'm really not lying this time, we 'ave only got tea bags ... 'n all you'd be getting is tea ..."
"Shame" He smirked "Its okay thanks ... Bella told me all about you having a bad day that day as well"
"Did she? Well it was a bit, but it didn't stop me being full of charm and magnetism did it?"
"Nope ... if you say so ... and by the way Bella is busy watching us through the gap in the curtains"
"Oh shit is she?" Molly turned to look at the window and was just in time to see Bella duck out of sight "What did she tell you anyhow?"
"Not much, just that you'd been to a wedding .." He was suddenly aware that it probably wasn't a great idea to relay everything Bella had told him about just how difficult that wedding had been for her so opened his door instead and walked round to her side to hold the door open for her, jerking his head indicating she should get out "Well come on then ... "
"Yeah alright ... 'ave you changed your mind, you coming in then?"
"Nope ... just seeing you safely to your door ..."
"Oh ... right ... "
She began trying to find her key, then waved it triumphantly at him when it eventually surfaced from the crumbs and debris at the bottom of her bag.
"Well, goo'night then ... Charles ... and thanks again"
"Goodnight"
She slung the strap of her bag over her shoulder and looked down at her feet for a minute before putting her thumbs up to tuck her hair back behind her ears, for some reason she was amazingly reluctant to just put the key in the door and go in and let him get off. It was like not wanting to be the one who hangs up the phone first. What she'd of really liked was him to give her a little kiss and then ask if she wanted to do it again sometime, but he didn't do either, just stood there and smiled at her.
"I 'ad a really nice time tonight"
"Ditto"
"Ditto ... ditto? What does that even mean?"
"It means ... thank you, I had a really nice time as well"
Even as the thought entered his head he knew it was a really bad idea but gave in and did it anyway. He'd wanted to kiss her ever since they'd been in that bar and she'd been laughing at him and teasing him and had made him forget everything except how much he was enjoying being with her. Daniel's words about life not having to be all or nothing kept coming back to haunt him as he put the palm of his hand on her cheek and gently pulled her face towards his, fully intending to peck her on the other cheek. But instead his lips met hers in a soft kiss that started as tentative and slowly became very sensual, a kiss that made her stomach turn over as if she was going down in an express lift. A kiss that definitely felt as if it was leading somewhere. As soon as they broke apart she dropped her bag on the floor and wrapped her arms round his neck and he stepped back to look at her face before leaning forward to kiss her again, a kiss that was harder and deeper and had far more purpose until he stopped suddenly and stood back to create a space between them. He looked down at the floor before looking back at her face.
"Sorry ... I'd better go ... I'll call you"
There were a whole lot of things she wanted to say but those three words bought reality crashing back in. She knew exactly what they meant. If he'd had any intention of ever seeing her again he'd of said straight out, so now all she was glad was that she hadn't got carried away enough to proposition him. The words that had come out of his gob were the ones that people said just before they fucked off out of your life for good, they were the last words the tosspot had said to her before he'd headed off to be part of Donna's life not hers.
"Okay ... " Molly couldn't quite believe that she hadn't bloody learned anything from the last time, the only thing that mattered now was showing him she actually gave zero fucks one way or the other "See ya"
"Molly?"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing ... goodnight"
"Night"
He waved one hand over his shoulder in a sort of farewell salute as she fumbled around and tried to get the key in the lock the whole time pretending she wasn't waiting for him to go before she went in. As soon as the tail lights disappeared she almost fell through the door in her haste to get inside. She'd got no idea what had just happened, but there was this tiny worry that maybe there was something wrong with the way she'd kissed him. No-one had ever criticised her technique before, but there was always a bloody first time and she could of sworn he liked her but then he hadn't been able to get away quick enough.
-OG-
Bella was pretending to be totally engrossed in some late night political debate on Channel 4 as Molly went in and sat down heavily next to her. It was obvious she hadn't realised she'd been busted spying or maybe she thought she could brazen it out, but she didn't seem to realise that her audience consisted of just her sister. The act was a total waste.
"You're late ... thought you said ..." She looked around "What you done with 'im, where is he?"
"I'm not ... 'ere, turn that bloody thing off Bels and go 'n put the kettle on"
"I'm watching it" Bella was still looking at the door hopefully "Come on, where is he?"
She was peering at Molly as though she expected to see him hiding behind her but then looked at the doorway expectantly as if she was waiting for him to appear like a jack-in-the-box.
"He's gone ... 'n you're not watching it"
"I am ... Gone? Gone where?"
"I dunno do I? 'ome I s'pose ... why?"
"Thought you'd at least bring him in so I could say hello" Bella switched the television off and got off the sofa and began rooting around under it looking to find the Garfield slippers she'd hidden when she thought he was coming in because she thought they were too unsexy "Wife waiting was she?"
Molly noticed the eye make-up and the straightened hair and sniggered "What you all tarted up for? As if I didn't know ... nah, he's not married ... I asked him, he's divorced or separated or something"
"And you believed him?" Bella giggled as Molly nodded, suddenly worried that could be an explanation of why he'd gone all weird and fucked off the way he had "Then why the fuck didn't you ask him in?"
"Did ... but he said nah, don't think he likes me ... not like that"
"Not like what? Oh shit, he's not gay is he?"
"Nah ... well, don't think so" Molly stopped for a second and thought about how he'd kissed her and held her "Nah I'm sure he's not, he kissed me, a sort of proper kiss, but then he just went ... so I dunno do I?"
Bella shrugged "Well his loss then innit? So you're not gonna see 'im again then?"
"Nah don't look like it" Molly pulled a face "Said he'd call ... but... he won't"
"You don't know that"
"Yeah I do"
"Shame"
"Who for, me or you? ... And what did you tell him about me going to that pissin' wedding?"
"Nothin' ... I don't think" Bella was suddenly in a tearing rush to get away to the kitchen, her sister had always had the uncanny knack of knowing when she was lying, had done ever since they were kids "Can't really remember now, but think I just said you'd been to a weddin' that's all... why? What did he say?"
"That's what he said 'n all"
"Well there you go then, what you asking me for?" Bella tried to sound nonchalant but succeeded in sounding truculent "He's still good looking though inne?"
"He's alright, I s'pose, bit tall" Molly paused and swallowed and looked at her sister "He's what Nan would call a long streak of n'owt ... and I thought he was nice, Bels, but he's not, he's a sodding giant who enjoys playing bleeding games... got a crick in me neck from just looking at him"
"Got a really nice arse though" Bella giggled.
"'as he? Didn't look ... 'n how do you know anyway? But it don't matter does it, seeing as how I'm not gonna see him again"
"Liar ... course it does" Bella put her head round the door and sniggered loudly.
-OG-
Molly was warm and comfortable lying in her bed listening to the rain on her window trying to get to sleep. But even though she was exhausted like she always was at the end of a spell of nights, she couldn't seem to drop off. She was tired to the point where she kept going over and over it in her head as she tried to work out what had gone wrong when her phone lit up and started vibrating, rolling around on her bedside table. She didn't bother to sit up or put the light on, just grabbed at it to check caller I.D. before she answered because if it was, as she suspected, an emergency ring round from work like it usually was at that time of night, she was definitely going to be out. But it wasn't ...
-OG-
A/N: My thanks to everyone who kept encouraging me to return to this story .. and for the kind words ... I know this chapter got a bit long but my fingers kept running away with me – I hope you enjoyed this - chapter 8 won't be far behind as I am already well into it ...