"Oh my God, we gotta help them!" exclaimed Real Joker, turning desperately to Batman. "We gotta call somebody! Future Me, or Harley, or the police, or Batman, or…wait not those last two."
Real Joker started forward, but Batman seized his wrist. "Hey, what gives?" he demanded. "I gotta protect my future kids!"
Batman released him suddenly and Real Joker marched over to where Robin and Nightwing were examining the trapdoor. "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!" he shouted, raising his fist. He brought it down to collide with the back of Nightwing's head…and it went right through.
"Aw no, we're back to that shadow rule!" cried Real Joker, continuing to futility try to punch Nightwing, who obviously didn't notice him. "With people not being able to see or hear me! This is all your fault, Bats! Pammie was willing to let me slide in the hopes of me learning my lesson! Should've known you'd be more of a stickler for rules than she is, like the Order Nazi you are!"
Batman grabbed his arm again, pulling him away. "Y'know, Bats, that's real low," said Real Joker, scowling at him. "Sending your kids to kidnap my kids on Christmas Eve! What kinda sick mind thinks that's a good thing to do? Where's your festive spirit?"
Batman ignored him, nodding over his shoulder. Joker turned to see that the scene had changed to a pet store, with his future self standing in front of the counter arguing with a salesperson.
"Listen, if I don't get my hands on a real unicorn for my little girl, Christmas will be ruined, and it'll all be your fault!" shouted Future Joker.
"But…Mr. Joker, sir…there's no such thing as a real unicorn," stammered the terrified shop assistant. "They don't exist…"
"Oh, you're one of those!" snorted Future Joker. "If it don't exist, it's not real! You small-minded, insignificant, hide-bound chump! I'll be damned if my kiddies are bound by stupid limitations like that!"
"My word, that sounds almost like nonsense," said a voice. They turned to see Jervis Tetch standing behind them, petting a white rabbit.
"Beat it, Hatty – unless you can make these people find me a unicorn, you're useless to me," retorted Future Joker.
"I admire your optimism in trying to achieve the impossibility of acquiring a real unicorn," said Tetch, nodding. "I personally make it a habit to believe in six impossible things before breakfast. But it is after breakfast, you know, so I daresay your attempt is rather futile."
"Do you think a hamster or a gerbil would be better, Jervis?" asked Jonathan Crane, appearing from an aisle carrying two cages. "I confess I can't really tell the difference."
"Better for what?" asked Harley.
"Oh, I promised I'd buy my daughter a pet for Christmas," sighed Crane. "Katrina specified a pony, but there's no way I'm getting her that."
"So you're going to pass her off with a rodent, huh?" asked Future Joker, glancing into the cages and making a face. "Not aiming for Father of the Year, are ya, Johnny?"
"It would be ludicrously impractical for me to buy Katrina a pony," snapped Crane. "We haven't any place to keep it, so we'd have to pay for a stable, and then we'd have to get her riding lessons…"
"Oh, blah, blah, blah," said Future Joker, waving his hand. "If I can get my kid a unicorn, you can get yours a pony."
Crane stared at him. "How are you getting her a unicorn?" he asked.
"Well, not with the help of these shop assistants, I can tell you," retorted Future Joker.
"I'm buying my goddaughter a white rabbit," said Tetch, nodding at the animal in his arms. "Perhaps your daughter would settle for something more practical like that…"
"My daughter doesn't settle!" interrupted Future Joker. "And she ain't practical – she takes after her Daddy!"
"And her mother," agreed Crane, nodding.
His phone rang at that moment. "Excuse me," he said, answering it. "Hello, love? Yes, I'm at the store now. I thought a hamster or a gerbil or…no, the pet store. No, of course I'm not…but my angel, it would be utterly impractical to buy her a pony! We can't possibly afford…yes, love. Yes, love. Yes, love, but…yes, love. Yes, I'll go…find a stable, love. Yes. All right. I love you too. But are you sure…yes, love. Ok. Bye."
He hung up the phone and cleared his throat. "Lovely seeing you all," he said, putting down the cages. "But I'm afraid I must be off to peruse some ponies and stables."
"Got the whip cracked over ya, huh, Johnny?" asked Future Joker. "Your kid don't need a pony – she could just put a saddle on you! I tell ya, I'm glad I ain't under the thumb of some pushy broad…"
"Puddin', we should call Rocco," interrupted Harley. "We've been gone a whole ten minutes and I'm worried about the kids."
"Ten minutes, you dumb blonde?!" retorted Future Joker. "What could possibly have happened in ten minutes?!"
"Just call him!" shrieked Harley.
Future Joker sighed, reaching for his phone. "He's not answering," he muttered.
"Why not?" asked Harley, instantly panicked. "Do you think something's happened?"
"He's probably just busy looking after them," retorted Future Joker. "You of all people know what a handful they can be – he probably don't have time to answer his phone."
"No, he'd answer his phone – he ain't like you – he don't like to see me worried," continued Harley, her panic increasing. "Something's wrong – we gotta head back right now…"
"But we ain't got this unicorn!" exclaimed Future Joker. "Or the gun, or Bud and Lou…"
"Puddin', right now!" shrieked Harley, rushing out the door.
Future Joker swore and raced after her. He turned at the door. "If you ain't got a unicorn when I come back, it won't be funny!" he shouted.
"Gotta admire my determination," said Real Joker, beaming. "Now let's go save my kiddies!"