Chapter 6: Vanitas
Meanwhile back in the village, the townsfolk had gathered at the local tavern for what should have been Vanitas's post-wedding party. While everyone else was drinking and mingling happily with each, Vanitas sat in his chair brooding by the fireplace, still steamed about his cancelled wedding plans.
"Who does that she think she is?" Vanitas said out loud to himself. "That girl has tangled with the wrong man! No one says 'no' to Vanitas!"
"Darn right!" Zack said as he walked up to him with two glasses of beer in hand.
"Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly humiliated!" Vanitas rambled to himself as he grabbed both glasses out of Zack's hand. "Why it's more then I can bear!" He then angrily threw both drinks into the fireplace.
"Uh, more beer?" Zack asked.
"What for? Nothing helps." Vanitas said turning his chair around and bowing his head shamefully. "I'm disgraced..."
"Who you? Never!" Zack exclaimed as he stood before him. "Vanitas, you've got to pull yourself together!"
Gosh it disturbs me to see you Vanitas
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be like you Vanitas
Even when taking your lumps
Shoving him away, Vanitas turned his chair around and continued to wallow in self pity. Zack just walked around him.
There's no man in town as admired as you.
You're everyone's favorite guy!
Everyone's awed and inspired by you,
And it's not very hard to see why
Dragging him out of his chair and towards the crowd, all the guys cheered and lifted their mugs toward him in a salute. Kairi, Namine, and Xion meanwhile themself at his feet sighing in admiration.
No one's slick as Vanitas
No one's quick as Vanitas
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Vanitas
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick, and Stanley,
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on.
"No one's been like Vanitas!" Tom called out.
"A king pin like you Vanitas!" Dick shouted.
"No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Vanitas!" Zack said pointing at his chin.
"As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!" Vanitas said grinning smugly.
"My, what a guy, Vanitas!" The crowd cheered banging their glasses together. "Give five 'hurrahs!' Give twelve 'hip-hips!'"
"Vanitas's the best and the rest is all drips!" Zack said lifting his glass high in the air. Unfortunately he lifted it up too fast causing his drink to go flying into Vanitas's face. Realizing what he did, Zack smiled sheepishly at Vanitas, who was dripping wet and irritatingly rolling up his sleeves. Not wanting to get his butt kicked, he dove under a table as Vanitas jumped on top of it and began wrestling all the guys sitting there.
"No one fights like Vanitas." Tom said jumping out of the way.
"Douses lights like Vanitas." Dick said woozily as Vanitas nailed him upside the head.
"In a wrestling match nobody bites like Vanitas!" Stanley cried as Vanitas bit into his leg.
"For there's no one as burly and brawny." The triples fawned as Vanitas jumped out of the fray and lifted the bench over his head with her on it.
"As you see I've got biceps to spare." Vanitas said showing off his muscles.
"Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny." Zack said coming out from under the table.
"That's right!" Vanitas said dropping the girls and bench on top of Zack. "And every last inch of me's covered with hair." Vanitas then opened his shirt revealing his manly chest to all the swooning girls.
"No one hits like Vanitas!" Xion sang out.
"Matches wits like Vanitas!" Kairi and Namine continued.
"In a spitting match nobody spits like Vanitas." Zack said prying himself from under the bench.
"I'm especially good at expectorating! Ptoooie!" Vanitas then spit at the mirror which ricocheted off its surface and into a spittoon.
"Ten points for Vanitas!" The crowd called out. Vanitas then went to the bar and grabbed a jar of pickled eggs, taking one out and eating it.
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!
Eating the other eggs in the jar, Vanitas jumped onto the bar table and began flexing for the crowd. "Oooooh... ahhh... wow!" All the men looked on with admiration while the women swooned and squealed at the site of his muscular physique. "My, what a guy, Vanitas!" Jumping back onto the ground, Jet started strutting around the room while the triples followed behind, each eager to get close enough to touch his muscles.
"Kairi, Namine, Xion please!" Vanitas said putting his arms up. "There's plenty for all!" The triples touched his arms, and she would start hyperventilating and instantly faint onto the floor fanning themselves. Grabbing an empty glass, Vanitas slide it toward a large barrel, grabbed his shot gun, and shot three bullets into the middle of it. Beer instantly poured out the holes and into his glass as well the glasses of nearby people.
"No one shoots like Vanitas." Stanley cheered grabbing a glass.
"Makes those beauts like Vanitas." Tom said pointing to the holes.
"Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Vanitas." Zack said gesturing to Bakura's boots as he back walked toward his chair.
"I use antlers in all of my decorating!" Vanitas said gesturing to his wall of animal heads.
"My, what a guy, Vanitas!" The crowd cheered as they lifted him onto their shoulders and carried him around the room in celebration.
As they lowered Vanitas's chair, Eraqus rushed in with a look of panic on his face.
"Help!" Eraqus called out. "Someone help me!"
" Eraqus?" The bartender asked.
"Please help!" Eraqus continued. "He's got her! He's got her locked in a dungeon!"
"Who?" One of the patrons asked.
"Aqua!" Eraqus continued. "We must go! Not a moment to lose!"
"Whoa, slow down Eraqus." Vanitas said calmly without getting out of his chair. "Tell us, who's got Aqua locked in the dungeon?"
"A beast!" Eraqus cried out. "A horrible monstrous beast!"
Everyone broke down laughing.
"Is it a big beast?" One of the patrons asked.
"Huge!" Eraqus responded.
"With a long, ugly snout?" Another patron asked.
"Hideously ugly!" Eraqus responded.
"And sharp cruel fangs?" Zack said with a smirk.
"Yes, yes!" Eraqus called out. "Will you help me?"
"Alright old man." Vanitas sneered. "We'll help you out."
"You will? Oh thank you, thank you, thank-"
Eraqus was grabbed by two patrons and thrown out into the snow.
"Crazy old Solomon." One of the patrons said. "He's always good for a laugh."
Overhearing them, Vanitas felt an idea brew in his head and sat down to think. "Crazy old Eraqus eh... crazy old Eraqus..."
"Zack, I'm afraid I've been thinking."
Zack gasped "A dangerous pastime."
"I know." Vanitas said as he pulled Zack closer.
But that wacky old coot is Aqua's father,
And his sanity's only so-so.
Now the wheels in my head have been turning
Since I looked at that loony old man.
See I promised myself I'd marry Aqua
And right now I'm evolving a plan!
"Now If I-" Vanitas then whispered into her ear.
"Yes?" Zack asked curiously.
"Then we-" Vanitas whispered lower so the others wouldn't hear.
"No!" Zack exclaimed. "Would she?"
Vanitas then pulled her aside and finished whispering his plan. "Now guess."
Zack thought for a moment before getting it and smiled widely "Oh now I get it!"
"Let's go!" Vanitas grinned as he and Zack grabbed each other's shoulders
No one plots like Vanitas.
Takes cheap shots like Vanitas
Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Vanitas
"Yes, I'm endlessly, wildly resourceful." Vanitas nodded smugly.
"As down to the depths you descend." Zack added.
"I won't even be mildly remorseful." Vanitas said.
"Just as long as you get what you want in the end." Zack smirked.
Who has brains like Vanitas?
Entertains like that Vanitas?
Who can make up these endless refrains like Vanitas?
The two then smiled darkly at each other.
And his marriage we soon will be celebrating
My, what a guy... Vanitas!
Eraqus walked away as he shivered. "Will no one help me."
Me: OH, NO! Vanitas is going to get Aqua!
Iris: i hope he's not.
Aqua: Hope everyone like the story here.
Terra: Chaos dose not own beauty and the beast or kingdom hearts, but she owns Iris.
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